Hummingbird Heart

by Robin Stevenson

  I held my breath for a few seconds, then let it out in a long steady exhalation. “Yes,” I said. “Yes. You can.”

  Mom was out on the porch, scraping the peeling paint off the wooden bench.

  “You know, I was thinking I might paint the porch. These railings…green, do you think? Or purple?”

  I ran my hand along the peeling wood railing. “You’ve been saying that forever.”

  She laughed. “I know, I know. I think I might though. And wind chimes, don’t you think? There’s a hook there already.”

  I glanced up at the overhanging roof. “It’d be beautiful, Mom. You should do it.”

  “Well, I think I will.” She put her arm around me. “Oh, Dylan. Just look at that sky.”

  I looked out into the night. The lights of the city faded the stars, but they were still visible, a scattering of faint pinpoints of light. A full moon hung low and orange in the sky. “Yeah. It’s beautiful,” I said. I let myself lean against her, just a little bit. “I could help you with the porch. If you wanted, I mean.”

  “I’d like that.” Her voice wobbled slightly.

  “Mom? I just talked to Mark.”

  “You did?”

  “I’m having lunch with him tomorrow.”

  “He called you?” She stepped away from me.

  I looked up at her and nodded. “Did you know he was planning to get in touch with me anyway? When I was eighteen?”

  She shook her head. “No. Did he tell you that?”

  “Yeah.” I was quiet for a minute, half expecting her to say something skeptical, but she didn’t say anything. “I want to get to know him.”

  “I know you do.”

  “Is it okay? I mean, are you okay?”

  “I’ll be fine.” She blinked and smiled at me. “I found the photos for you. The ones I didn’t send. They’re in the living room. In the shoebox on the coffee table.” She cleared her throat. “If you want, you could give them to him tomorrow. Save you the postage.”

  I took the pictures into my bedroom and spread them out on my bed, from oldest to most recent. The first five were school photos. There I was at eight years old, with a nervous smile and shoulder-length hair tied into two limp braids. Age nine, ten, eleven, twelve—getting older, taller, thinner; my hair longer each year, growing out the bangs; the plastic barrettes being replaced by plastic headbands; posed stiffly against that same blue background every year.

  Age thirteen, the first family photograph, with me squeezed between Karma and Mom on the couch. I remember taking that one. It was only a month or so after Karma came to live with us, when I wasn’t yet sure if she was family or not. And the last two pictures, at fourteen and fifteen, with Karma and me laughing as the camera’s timer went off. I hadn’t noticed before, but Mom’s face in those last photos was sort of sad, her eyes shadowed, her smile forced. I wondered if she’d felt guilty, knowing she wouldn’t send the pictures. I wondered if she’d regretted letting herself get trapped in her own lies.

  I hadn’t got this year’s picture printed yet. I picked up my camera from my bedside table, turned it on and studied the photograph. Even on the small screen, I could see Mom’s stiff smile, Karma’s bored expression and my tense grin. I pushed delete. I’d give Mark the others, but I wasn’t going to print this one. I’d bring my camera tomorrow, when Mark took me out for lunch.

  If I wasn’t too shy to suggest it, he could take this year’s picture himself.

  AcKnoWLeDGmenTS

  Many thanks to the Canada Council for the Arts for their generous financial support during the writing of this novel. Thanks also to my hardworking and talented editor, Sarah Harvey, and to all the friends and family who read countless drafts, shared their thoughts and encouraged me to keep writing, especially Maggie Bird, Michelle Mulder, Cheryl May, Holly Phillips, Pat Schmatz, and Ilse and Giles Stevenson. I am so very lucky to have you all in my life.

  ROBIn STevenson is the author of many books for teens and children. Her young adult novels, which include Escape Velocity, Inferno, A Thousand Shades of Blue and Out of Order, have been nominated for numerous awards, including the Governor General’s Literary Award and the Sheila A. Egoff Children’s Literature Prize. Robin was born in England and now lives on the west coast of Canada with her partner and son. For more information about Robin and her books, please visit robinstevenson.com.