Unbearable (the TORQUED trilogy Book 2)

by Shey Stahl

  Our gaze locks and then falls away as he deepens the kiss again. Thrusting inside me, I can understand what he’s trying to do. Make me see that despite me not getting what I wanted, he’s giving me what he can. He cares. It’s just the place in his life where it’s not right. I get that.

  Threading my fingers through his hair, I try to give him what I can. My understanding.

  His tongue slides across my collarbone, my legs lifting to wrap around his waist.

  He shudders, his hands in my hair. Kissing down my neck, he rocks into me with slow languid movements that set my nerves a blaze.

  Drawing back, he swallows, his chest heaving with a breath, the muscles in his throat working. “God, Raven.”

  He doesn’t last long and I’m not surprised. All I can do is lie there and feel him because it’s the best fucking thing I ever felt, being with him like this.

  “Raven,” he whispers again, his lips close to my ear. It’s two more thrusts inside me before his body shakes, his mouth returning against my lips as we share breaths. His hands, his lips, the ones that have touched me so intensely over the last few months, hold me in place.

  Breathing heavily against my ear, he holds himself still, gripping my hips so hard they begin to hurt.

  I let my hand drift up to the side of his face, running my fingertips along the edge of his cheek. For a spilt second, his eyes open to me. I want to see warmth and connection reach his eyes, and when I don’t see it, a hint of fear pricks at my skin because all that’s there is sadness. His lids fall shut again as he kisses me harder.

  He slows it down and he kisses me softly, pouring emotions he says he doesn’t have into them. Under the sadness, there’s vulnerability he doesn’t want.

  Rolling off me, he lies on the bed, breathing heavily.

  I sit up, curling into myself and then he’s sitting up too, his hands resting on his bare legs. That intense stare lingers on me, as does the confusion. Running his hand over the back of his neck, there’s hesitation in his movements. “Raven,” he whispers, the lowness hitting my stomach with the fragile way I’m holding onto his expression. “I know when you leave this room you’re going to pick apart everything that’s been said and in doing that, you’re going to focus on me telling you I didn’t want anything but sex.” He leans in enough for his lips to meet my forehead, his grip around my waist tightening. “But what I want you to understand, no, I need you to understand, it’s not that I can’t fall in love, it’s that I don’t want to. Yeah, another time, another place, maybe things could’ve been different and believe me, hands down, Raven, it would have been you, but it’s just not who I am. What we have right now, this is all I can give. I’m sorry if that’s not enough.”

  Reality crashes down on me like a wrench straight to my temple. A wave of heat hits me, this one humiliation because like it or not, I’m emotionally invested.

  Stupid girl.

  I turn away, my eyes on the wall because I’m about to cry. I know he cares about me but what we’re doing doesn’t matter to him in the same way it does to me.

  To him it’s sex. Always will be.

  He kisses the spot between my shoulders and then the back of my neck.

  Goose bumps shiver over my skin. “I have to go. I’m heading to Eugene in the morning. My classes start tomorrow.” My voice breaks apart, much like my heart. “I’ll be back on Friday though.”

  Blinking at my words, he turns me around, his eyes on mine. I don’t recognize the expression on his face. It’s one I’ve never seen before. Regret? Doubtful.

  “I’m looking forward to it.” A smile plays at his lips, and though it’s a familiar sight, one I’ve seen often these last few months, something seems different about it. He leans toward me, kissing the shell of my ear. With his hands on my shoulders, he pulls away.

  Removing my hand from around his neck, he kisses the knuckles of my right hand and touches my face with the other.

  My stomach twists the moment I’m out the door because I know what’s happening, I’m falling for him and the gutting reality is he isn’t, nor will he let himself.

  “So….” Lenny begins. Her eyes widen when I glance over at her. “Red knows about you and Tyler.” Lenny is Red’s girlfriend and she’s quickly become my best friend. I tell every single shitty thing about my life to her. Naturally, she was the only one outside of me and Tyler who knew we’d been hooking up.

  “Red knows?” I gasp, my hand over my heart. It’s pounding so hard, so fast, I think it’s going to pop out of my chest. “Is Tyler still alive?”

  When I left the apartment this morning I went back home to get the rest of my clothes I’ll need for the week and then over to Red’s house to talk to Lenny. It’s been something like five hours since I saw Tyler; he could very well be dead by now if Red knows.

  “As far as I know, for now,” Lenny tells me, digging through the cupboards at Red’s house for the tequila. Nova’s at her feet asking if she can have some. “They’re apparently at the bar. He heard you arguing this morning and I did my best to distract him but he’s not stupid.”

  She’s right. Red is far from stupid. Red’s my older brother by eight years and me thinking I could hide anything from him was a dumb thought.

  “How did he hear us arguing?”

  “He was helping me grab the last of my clothes and you two were in the bedroom.”

  “Shit.” I throw my hands up in the air. “He’s going to poison Tyler and make it look like a suicide.”

  She doesn’t say anything for what feels like minutes, like she’s seriously thinking about it. “Nah, he wouldn’t do that.” When she finally pulls the bottle down from the cupboard, she holds it above her head and looks at Nova as if she’s crazy when she reaches for it. “No, you can’t have any. It’s alcohol, Nova.”

  Her hands are immediately on her hips. “So? What’s that mean?” Nova is Red’s daughter from his marriage to Nevaeh, his wife who died three years ago. Nova, who’s almost six now, acts like she’s about thirty most days.

  “It means you have to be twenty-one to drink it.”

  Nova scowls. “That’s ridiculous.”

  “So how did this morning go? What did you guys decide?” Lenny asks the moment Nova takes off to her room. Lenny knew my intention this morning was to tell Tyler how I felt.

  “I’m pretty sure his dick made love to me this morning, but the rest of him, yeah… not so much.”

  Lenny frowns and hands me a shot glass and then the tequila. “Here. This will help.”

  We’re just getting started with drinking when Nova reappears, her hands on her hips. “Can we talk about kindergarten?”

  Lenny pushes her shot glass away and faces Nova. “Why?”

  “I don’t want to go anymore.”

  “You kinda have to.”

  “No, I don’t. You’re technically in charge of me. Just call them up and tell them I’m not going anymore.”

  “It doesn’t work like that.”

  “It does if you’re Rawley. I heard Daddy talking about him not calling when he doesn’t show up. And kindergarten is like prison.” Nova dramatically puts her hands on her hips. “I have to ask to go to the bathroom.”

  I place my hand over hers on the table. “They’re teaching you manners.”

  “Screw that,” she mutters, walking away.

  Lenny’s eyes widen watching Nova flip her brown curls around. She probably can’t believe she just said that. Nova has a bad mouth and Red’s been fighting it since she learned to talk. None of us should be surprised by it. Much like me, she grew up with a bunch of mechanics as her role models. Her language should be the least of his worries.

  “What’s all this?” I motion to the piles of clothes and two boxes sitting in the dining room.

  “Red asked me to move in.”

  “I’m so happy for you,” I lie, trying to smile at Lenny. I think I did a pretty good job, because the excited look on her face tells me she’s close to buying it.

&nb
sp; “Really?” Lenny beams with my words and I almost refrain from my next comment.

  “No.” I roll my eyes, throwing back my head to down the last of my drink. “I hate you. Don’t talk to me about your perfect life.”

  “I do not have a perfect life,” Lenny reminds me, and I know that. She doesn’t. No one does. “I know Holden is an asshole and cheated on you Valentine’s Day and you agreed to this fuck-your-friend arrangement, but let’s be real, you knew going into it there was a good chance things would go bad, right?”

  “First of all, thank you very much for reminding me it was Valentine’s Day. I wish that day would burn in hell. I don’t ever want to see another Valentine’s Day ever again! And second, I think it’s obvious I didn’t think this whole thing through or I wouldn’t have done it. No. Never mind, I totally would have done it. The sex is amazing.” I look down at my hands on the table. “The truth is I took a risk and I lost.”

  My chest burns at the memory. It’s like any break when you’re reminded of why it’s there. Like a glass that breaks on your kitchen floor, and for weeks afterward you keep finding little shards of it that cut the shit out of your feet. Not just any cut either, the kind of cut that burns. Like a sharp clean line.

  Being cheated on is the same deal. My mind drifts back to Holden and why it hurts. The gut ache and confusion that somehow it was my fault. That I drove him away with my social awkwardness and overbearing demeanor. I mean, is it wrong to be so obsessive all the time? I didn’t think so but then again, it’s not like I have much of a choice. It’s who I am, who I’ve always been.

  I’m a planner. I just feel safer when I know what’s going to happen and when it’s going to happen. For example, when I was three, I told my mother I would be married when I turned twenty-five and I’ve stuck to that plan until now. I’m not exactly on the right path to that particular goal, now, am I?

  The correct answer is no.

  And if I think about Tyler and how wrong it went.

  Why couldn’t it have been just sex for the both of us?

  Because I’m a stupid girl with emotions and the ability to try and see something where there’s nothing.

  Stupid fucking girl.

  If you think my having to have a plan at all times is bad, then the question of whether I’m too controlling is a disaster. If I’m being honest, in some ways I can be. Did I see the signs early on? Yep.

  When I was in kindergarten, I used to get pissed when the teacher would be even a minute late or if we wouldn’t go outside at the exact moment we were supposed to for recess. I like people to be precise and detail oriented. What’s wrong with that?

  When I’m at a doctor’s appointment, if the doctor is late coming into the room, I’m not pleased and insist he tells me why I wasn’t worth being on time for.

  If my desk at work is a mess, I freak out. Obsessive-compulsive disorder?

  That’s an understatement.

  By some standards, I should be on medication. Okay, maybe most standards but hey. I’m not as bad as I used to be. Sadly, I haven’t improved enough to, let’s say, keep a relaxed attitude and let a relationship run its course. Clearly.

  Sometimes I think I’m having a midlife crisis at twenty.

  I’ve taken about four shots, maybe more when Lenny looks over at me, waiting for me to say more. “It doesn’t matter anyway. As far as he’s concerned, nothing has changed. I just need to figure out what I want.”

  “And that is?”

  I groan.

  “Raven, do you think you could continue with the fuck-your-friend agreement without falling deeper?”

  “That’s the million dollar question now, isn’t it?”

  Truth is, I don’t know if I can. My heart is already invested and I don’t know if I can just turn it off.

  I DECIDE TO stay here tonight, get up early and leave for my morning class. Lenny and I are on the couch watching a movie around midnight and I hear a rumble. My stomach drops when I realize it’s Red’s car pulling into the carport. “Shit!”

  When his car door shuts, Lenny and I scramble to hide the bottle of tequila. I’m not sure why because it’s not like it matters we’re drinking on a Sunday night.

  Lenny flips the blanket over her face. “Shhh. I want to hear this.” And then she darts behind the couch out of sight.

  I’m not sure why she’s hiding because it’s not like Red wouldn’t talk to me in front of her. I can only assume she’s hiding because she’s drunk.

  Red comes through the door a moment later, his keys dropping to the floor as he kicks the door shut with his foot and turns the alarm off.

  I count the footsteps until he’s standing before me in the living room. His hands are on his hips and he’s watching me with the protective hardened brother look he’s had a time or two. He’s certainly perfected it over the years and it’s kinda scary. “He was fucking you behind my back. Friends don’t do that.”

  “Lighten up.” I groan, resting my head against the back of the couch. And then I remember Red and Tyler have been best friends since they were kids. Surely Tyler might confide in him, right? I sit up and stare at him. “Were you with him? Did he say anything?”

  “Yes, I was with him. He said plenty.” Red dramatically tosses himself on the couch Lenny is hiding behind. He’s definitely been drinking and grabs the pillow beside him holding it over his face. After a moment, he removes it and stares at the ceiling. “You’re not a brother. You’ll never understand.”

  “You’re right, I won’t. I don’t have a dick. Which is good because dicks just seem inconvenient to me. But you’ve never been a little sister and you’ll also never understand. I care about him.”

  He takes my words in. They settle over him and he stares back at me, his eyes softening. “I get it, I do, but I’m going to stay mad for a little while.” And then he stands tossing a pillow at my face. It hits me and then falls to my lap. “The fucker deserves whatever shit I throw at him so don’t even try to make me be nice.”

  He walks away after throwing another pillow at my head, into his room where he probably assumes Lenny is.

  When he’s out of sight, Lenny pulls the blanket from her face. “I think Tyler is about to get all the shit jobs now.” She seems pleased by this, the corners of her mouth raising up. She’s probably just glad she won’t be getting them anymore.

  Sliding out from behind the couch, she crawls down the hallway on her hands and knees. “Why are you crawling?” I call out after her.

  She grins over her shoulder. “Just saving some time. Red likes me on my knees anyway.”

  I take the blanket she was under and throw it over my face. “Gross!”

  I don’t fall asleep right away. Instead, I go over the conversation with Tyler in my head and him telling me if he had been in the position to fall in love, it would have been me. There’s a good part of me that’s hopeful that might still happen someday.

  Little sisters are off-limits. It’s a bro-code that any good friend would follow.

  Too bad I’ve never been good at following the rules. While my head got the message, my dick didn’t. The sex overruled any other thought I could possibly have as to it being wrong. Truth be told, while Red is my best friend and I would do just about anything for him, when it came to this, I just didn’t give a fuck.

  Raven fell into my life at a time when everything I thought was true in my life, wasn’t. Everything I thought I knew about relationships and commitment, fucking life in general was a lie. The people I thought I could trust, I couldn’t. With Raven, I had all that. We had it, until we didn’t anymore and I wasn’t sure what it had become besides a mess.

  I’ve learned, a lot like diagnosing a car with an oil leak, things are never what they seem at first glance. Girlfriends you thought would always be faithful aren’t. Parents you thought always had your best interest at heart and would always protect you don’t, and your friend with benefits you thought was on the same page, isn’t.

  I’m not sure wha
t exactly happened this morning but I think it’s obvious Raven and I are of very different opinions where we should take our relationship from here.

  Relationship? Is that what we have?

  I guess some would call it that, but not me. No. A committed relationship is the last thing I want and I thought Raven and I both agreed we weren’t headed that way when this whole thing started. It was one of the few rules we agreed on for Christ’s sake.

  The thing is, I do love Raven, just not in the way she wants me to. Being Red’s younger sister, she’s been a constant in my life for as long as he has. I care about her and if I was being completely truthful with myself, part of me does love her, but I can say with certainty that I’m not in love with her. The extent of my romantic feelings are expressed in the satisfaction of making her scream my name when she comes. At the same time, I care about her enough to never want to hurt her.

  I’m not sure I was successful in making her understand my unwillingness to let this arrangement take on a greater meaning has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. After Berkley, I decided I was better off staying away from love and relationships all together. Like I told Raven, it’s not a matter of can’t, it’s a matter of won’t. Nothing and no one is going to change that, even if she is the first person to make me feel the good and forget the bad all at once.

  Staring at the door, the one she just walked out of, I knew I couldn’t stay here. Not with the memories of this place—and her—and how it’s all changing.

  Grabbing my keys off the counter, I head to the bar, the one place I know I can at least try to forget what’s happening.

  You know when you’ve had someone in your life for a long time and you just sense when they’re around, well that’s how it is with Red and me. I know the moment he steps into the bar, and turning to see him take a seat on the stool next to where I’m standing, it’s obvious he knows. It’s written all over his face.