Unbearable (the TORQUED trilogy Book 2)

by Shey Stahl

  Breathing in deeply, I stare at the truck, my 1976 Ford F150 I bought when I was seventeen with my own money.

  Raven notices my anxiety for the situation and the consequences I’m facing. She runs her hand over the stubble on my head. “I miss the hair I can pull.”

  She’s trying to distract me and it works. I lean in, my body pressing to hers. With my hand on her hip, I run it up her spine to the base of her neck. Taking a handful of her hair in my fist, I grip it and tug. “I miss pulling yours while you’re wrapped around my body,” I whisper in her ear. I’m hard instantly and I know she feels it.

  “Stop it, Ty.” She breathes out unevenly. She can’t stop her body from reacting to me. “If you keep this up, I’m leaving and you can go to dinner by yourself.”

  I drop my hand immediately and take a step back. She stares at me and I want to kiss her so fucking badly, but I know it might push her away. “You started that,” I point out.

  She nods and takes my hand, walking toward her car. “I know. And I’m sorry.”

  VALENTINO’S IS THE only Italian restaurant in Lebanon, and quite frankly, the best in the state. It’s owned by Nevaeh’s father, Tony Valentino, and we’re frequent visitors here. I’d say I eat here at least once a week.

  I’m not sure what I’m expecting to happen when my parents arrive and we’re all sitting together. It’s the first time in nearly a year I’ve sat at a table with them and I hold back a frustrated sigh, but underneath my annoyance, I’m glad Raven’s here with me.

  “I’m glad you could make it too,” Mom says, hugging Raven before she sits down. Her hand finds mine on the table. “You look better, Ty.”

  Taking the glass of water already on the table, I take a slow drink before saying, “I’m feeling better.”

  “I hear you’re going to University of Oregon. What are you majoring in, Raven?” My dad asks, breaking the ice with her.

  “Accounting. Numbers are my thing.” Her eyes drop to the glass and the water condensation pooling beneath the glass. Taking her napkin, she wipes it away before taking a drink herself.

  I know Raven’s a numbers girl. She’s very black or white. There’s no gray. There can’t be. In her mind, there’s always an answer. In numbers, you always have an answer, something, a conclusion to a problem.

  Maybe that’s why she had to have a definition to us for so long. She couldn’t handle the gray.

  Dad smiles at Raven. He’s always liked her. It’s then, right then I notice this is a look they never gave Berkley. Maybe they knew from the beginning that the love I felt for her was never going to be the forever kind. The kind I feel for Raven.

  We make small talk around the table as we order, the topic of why I ignored my parents for so long never surfaces and I’m glad. I don’t want to talk about it.

  Raven excuses herself to the bathroom and immediately my mom is asking if we’re dating.

  “We kinda are,” I tell her, not knowing how else to put it. “We’re definitely not dating anyone else.”

  Mom smiles tenderly. “I’ve always loved her. She’s great for you.”

  I know I didn’t need my mom’s approval to date Raven, or anyone else’s for that matter, but strangely, it’s reassuring because they never liked Berkley and certainly never told me they liked her.

  I look at my dad. “How’s work?”

  With a heavy sigh, he runs his hand over his clean shaved jaw. “It’s going pretty well. Slow this time of year but it’ll pick up.” My dad’s a custom-home builder and I think in some ways, he was bent by me choosing cars over construction.

  Mom leans forward in her chair. “Tyler, we both just wanted to let you know again how sorry we are about everything.”

  “I know you are and I’ll admit, it’s going to take me some time,” I tell them honestly. It’s not something that’s going to change for me overnight. But I also want them to know this, me being here is me trying.

  They seem relieved by my words and both smile.

  When Raven returns, Tony makes his way over to the table. “How’s the Hemming family doing tonight?”

  Mom smiles. “We’re good.”

  Scooting her chair in, Raven points over her shoulder at a drawing on the wall near the restrooms. I can’t make it out clearly, but it looks like three people holding hands and a woman in the clouds. Then beside the little girl is what appears to be a baby. “Is that from Nova?”

  Tony smiles at the picture he tells us Nova drew last week. “Lenny and her came in the other day. I just adore Lenny. Such a nice girl for Red, but yeah, Nova apparently asked Nevaeh to send her a baby.”

  Everywhere you look in the restaurant are reminders that Nevaeh held a special place in everyone’s lives and though she’s gone and Red’s now with Lenny, nothing will ever completely stop the pain inside of Red, Nova, and Tony. It wasn’t easy seeing Red lose Nevaeh. I tried so hard to help him through it but there wasn’t much I could do to help him.

  Lenny, she helps him in ways no one else could, gives him hope at a future, like Raven does with me.

  Raven laughs at the drawing and the baby. “I wonder how Red feels about it?”

  Tony grins. “Knowing Red, he’s probably okay with that.” Tony glances at me and shows me a bottle of wine. “You look like you need a drink.”

  I’d love one… but then my truck flashes in my head and the tarp covering it.

  “Nah.” I lean back in the chair, shaking Tony’s hand. “I’m good.” It’s rude to pass up the wine, but I’m not giving in. I might not ever drink again after the accident.

  Raven stares at the bottle, then me. “You can still have a drink or two.”

  With my arm around her chair, I shake my head. “I don’t need one.”

  “You’re not drinking anymore?” Dad asks, watching Tony pour him a glass of wine.

  “No.” I didn’t tell my parents I had been drinking that night. I actually assumed they knew. It wasn’t that I was trying to keep it from them.

  I look at Raven, and then my parents. “I had been drinking the night of the accident. I think it’s best I don’t anymore.”

  My dad, being a man of very few words most of the time, stirs uneasily in his chair. “Did you get a DWI?”

  “No. I was under the legal limit and it didn’t cause the accident.” Raven’s hand finds mine under the table. Awkwardly, I clear my throat. “It was the seizure that caused me to crash.”

  I’m sure they were aware of what happened since they’d been at the hospital, but I felt the need for them to hear it from me.

  “Tyler,” Dad begins and I take in another deep breath trying to relax. “We all make mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

  The double meaning doesn’t go unnoticed by anyone. I remember when I was eight years old, I threw a stick at a girl and it hit her eye. I didn’t mean to but for a month she had to wear an eye patch and sleep sitting up because of the damage to her eye. I felt like a complete asshole and my mom sat me down and said: Remember that the greatest lessons in life are usually learned at the worst times from the worst mistakes.

  At eight, I had no clue what she was talking about but thinking about it now I finally understand the meaning of what she was trying to tell me.

  Yeah, I made a huge mistake driving drunk and not taking my medicine but it didn’t mean I had to stop.

  WE TAKE OUR time with dinner and talk with Tony for hours. The sky is black, stars out and glimmering above as Raven and I walk up the street to the car. She’s staring straight ahead, her focus contained to the pavement. I choose then to finally speak. “Can I hold your hand?”

  She watches me warily. “That feels like dating.”

  “But you let me hold your boobs the other night when we were watching the movie.” I’m desperate to hold her close and let her know how much I appreciated her being there for me tonight.

  “Oh hell, why not.” Her sense of humor surfaces and she smiles. “But don’t you dare kiss me on the cheek or open the
door for me.”

  “Got it.” I chuckle. “No acting like a gentleman.”

  It takes me a moment, but I slide my hand out of my pocket and reach for hers. A warm smile tugs at the corner of her lips. I wonder then if she likes the feel of my hand in hers as much as I do.

  I can’t help it. I want her closer so I pull on her hand, then wrap my arm around her shoulders.

  “You’re pushing it, Ty.”

  “I know I am.” Drawing in a deep breath, I don’t let her go. I can’t. “Want me to whisper something dirty?”

  “No.” She sighs, her eyes on the pavement. “Though you’re extremely good at it, I think it’ll make it worse, Tyler. I really need us to take it slow. I don’t want us to fall back into friends who fuck.”

  As frustrated as I am that I can’t have her now, and the noticeable way the word fuck hits my groin, I understand why, partly. There’s a big part of me that just wants her to see I want to be with her and there shouldn’t be anything stopping us. But she’s right. There’s a lot about us that we haven’t worked out.

  Instead of being serious, I pop off with, “We’re not fucking so… it’s not anything like what we had before.”

  She elbows me. “You know what I mean.”

  I stop walking and look over at her, turning her so we’re facing one another. Cupping her cheeks, my thumb touches to her bottom lip and I want so badly to part her lips against mine, but I don’t. Because of her. “We’re different, Raven,” I whisper, my voice carrying with the wind. She closes her eyes as if my words hit her suddenly like a heavy weight. “I don’t want friends with benefits, so when you decide you want more, I’m all in.”

  When her eyes open, her smile is patient, tender, and fucking beautiful. “I’m not going anywhere, Tyler. I love you and you don’t know how much it means to me that you’re willing to wait for the both of us.”

  She probably doesn’t understand how torturous this is for me, but I’ll take whatever she’s going to give me.

  It certainly wasn’t easy taking things slow with Tyler once his intentions were clear, but I think we both knew for it to work between us, we had to. Even though it was a mutual decision to not define what we have between us, I know we’re both on the same page with our commitment. And considering my personality, I’m surprisingly okay with that. I’m relaxed with where Tyler and I are in our lives, and it only assures me he’s the right person, because contentment sits in my chest.

  We talked endlessly about what the future held for us as a couple and separately. I think both of us wanted everything out in the open so there wasn’t anything like, “Well, I don’t want the same things as you,” conversation later.

  We’d both been burned by that already.

  We even talked about what happens when I graduate in two years. All my life I’ve been raised at Walker Automotive and my intention has always been to have a career there. My dreams were my families and not because they had to be, but because I wanted them to be. My plan was to get my degree in accounting and use it by making sure Walker Automotive always ran as a successful business. Red had the shop under control but Mom couldn’t do everything in the office. That’s where I came in.

  Tyler, well, he’d always seen himself working with Red. My dad and Colt started Walker Automotive together and originally wanted Red and Rawley running it when he passed away. We all knew Rawley had no interest in working there so that left Red and Tyler, two people who shared the same vision and level head. Well, for the most part.

  Tyler’s biggest fear about our relationship, and the reason for us taking it slow, was me eventually wanting a child of my own. He wanted to know without a shred of a doubt, I wanted a future with him regardless of us having a family together or not.

  And like I explained to him, carrying his child inside of me wasn’t what was most important. Being with him was. And he understood that, in part.

  “I get that you want to knock me up, but there’s more than one way for us to make a baby,” I would tell him.

  It was months of discussion that finally led us to today.

  I’m finally out of school for the summer and I’m running on Tyler time, which means I’m about an hour late returning from the grocery store. We’re not living together, but I’d say I spend more time at his apartment than I do home.

  We’re heading over to my mom’s house this afternoon for our annual Fourth of July party but I had to run to the store to pick up the salad dressing I forgot earlier.

  As I pull up to the shop, Tyler’s new F250 truck is parked outside but he’s yet to drive it. Technically Tyler should have had his driver’s license back but when the judge read the toxicology report, they made him attend drug and alcohol classes and be seizure free for three months before he could apply to get his driver’s license reinstated.

  Unfortunately, he was just about at the three month mark when he had one while we were watching a movie. Scariest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Up until then, I hadn’t seen one, just the aftermath.

  While it was scary, I think in some ways, it brought Tyler and me closer together. To witness him so vulnerable and out of control of his own body was scary as shit, but it still managed to bring us closer together because it allowed me to see that side of him he desperately tried to hide from me.

  I’m upstairs cooking the pasta for my salad when Tyler comes out of the bathroom having just gotten dressed. He watches me preparing the salad, his hands on the counter as if he’s preparing himself for something.

  I stop what I’m doing and stare at him. “What’s wrong?”

  “As long as you’re in my future, having a baby doesn’t matter,” he tells me right away, as if he’s been holding those words in for months. “I just want you to be happy.”

  His meaning hits me, my heartbeat thumping in my ear. He truly does want me to be happy. All along, it’s what he’s wanted out of this despite his own hesitations.

  I’m not shocked by the conversation because like I said, we’ve been having these talks a lot. Only I’m not okay with that statement because to me, he’s settling and what if we tried in vitro or something where we used someone else’s sperm. It all seemed silly to discuss now but in reality, we had to.

  He was visibly upset the first time in vitro was mentioned by me, because the idea of another man’s baby inside of me was upsetting to him. That’s when I realized the severity of this for Tyler. Most women want babies. It’s in our DNA to nurture and want children.

  Men, they can go either way. Some want them, others don’t.

  Tyler, coming from a small family of his own, wanted lots of kids. Imagine when he’s told he can’t. And then on top of that, a man, a possessive man, would need to allow his wife to carry a child that wasn’t his. He’d never look into our child’s eyes and see himself.

  Leaning into the kitchen island, he watches me as I continue with making my salad. “I’m okay with adoption, or that thing where we use a donor”—he waves his hand around—“should you, you know, want that someday.”

  I want to both laugh and cry at his expression it’s that adorable.

  Though we haven’t declared a relationship, all our talks are based on us being together.

  I stop what I’m doing and look up at him. His brow creases. He’s waiting for me to say something. “So you’re okay with another man’s baby in me?”

  He groans, shaking his head as he drops it forward. “Don’t say it like that, but yeah, if you decide you want to carry the babies, then yeah. But we should use someone we don’t know. I might punch the dude if we know him.”

  Moving around the kitchen island, I stand in front of him. “They have professional services for that, Tyler.”

  “Well good.” Twisting, he moves his hands to my hips. “He can’t be a part of our lives.”

  “You do realize we’re like five years from that, right? You have to date me first, marry me, and then we’ll get to kids.”

  He smiles. “I know… and I’d like to mention
here I’d like to start having sex with you again. I’ve got a constant hard-on around you. It’s frustrating. It’s been five months.” In case I didn’t hear him right, he holds up his hand, fingers spread apart to indicate the number five, and then repeats it again, silently moving his lips around the word.

  I step back away from him. “I have to finish the pasta salad.”

  He knows this is me pulling back, but only because I need a couple minutes to think of how I want to approach this.

  Well those couple minutes turn into like two hours, and Tyler’s moving about his bedroom in a pair of gray cargo shorts and a white Hurley T-shirt that clings to his muscles in the most delicious of ways, I’m reminded of how sexy he is and that I know what I want. Not to mention I’m in his room, sitting on his bed. There’s that reminder.

  And then I scan his face. His hair has grown back about an inch and he just shaved the sides, a reminder of his previous hair cut where I had hair to pull on top. Okay, maybe I’m just missing sex with him. Have I mentioned since the accident we haven’t had sex?

  It’s fucking torture.

  “I’d like to start having sex with you again. I’ve got a constant hard-on around you. It’s frustrating.”

  I should just give in. There’s no real reason why we shouldn’t be.

  “You look deep in thought,” he says, sitting beside me.

  I smile at him. “When did you know you were in love with me, Tyler?”

  With his eyes on our hands, he nods. “Thanksgiving. I was watching you eat mashed potatoes.” His eyes find mine, humor dancing in them. “Then you mouthed the words ‘fuck off’ and I fell, right then with gravy drippling down your chin.”

  Laughing, I shake my head. I knew he wouldn’t take it seriously but maybe after the teasing I might get some truth.

  Tyler’s quiet and I’m nervous as to what he might say next. His head drops forward and he shakes it back and forth like he’s gathering courage. “I met a girl when I was fourteen,” he says warmly, taking my hand in his and squeezing it. “But she was a little sister, someone I couldn’t love because of an age difference. And then life got in the way and shit changed.” His lids lower and he sighs, his focus on the ground leaving me nothing but lashes. “Nothing you can say or do would ever make me stop loving you.” His eyes find mine again. “I’m forever. Yeah, I didn’t fall in love with you like I should have. I staggered my way into it and tried like hell to avoid it, but when it happened, I knew there was no going back from there.”