Finding Perfection

by Cassandra Giovanni

  “No how was your day, honey? No love for your fur children?” West asked as he turned from the stove where he was cooking dinner. The man loved Italian food and the whole house smelled of garlic and red sauce. If my mind hadn’t been frozen on Adam, I’d of noticed. I probably would have seen the three fur babies West and I shared clawing at my pants, too.

  I swallowed, looking at him and placing the package on the island. West’s gaze lowered to it and his arm tattoos contorted as his fist tightened around the spatula he was holding.

  “Oh.”

  I blinked at him as he stared down at the package.

  “I should try to explain,” he said, eyes coming up mine, shadowed by his brows. He paused, leaning his palms against the counter. I raised an eyebrow as I waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. Instead, he turned back to the stove and shut it off. He grabbed the package from the counter and nodded to the door. “But I think it’s best if I show you.”

  West didn’t explain where we were going, and we sat in silence as I stared at the yellow package between us. My fingers itched to rip it open and reveal the contents. Instead, I looked away, shoving my hands under my thighs as the trees rushed passed us. My throat constricted as the Audi slowed, the blinker clicking and the sound of the engine thundering in my brain as the cemetery came into view. West reached over and took my hand, squeezing it as he turned in the driveway. He seemed to know the cemetery by heart. A sad glaze came over his eyes as he slowed the car to park a few rows down from Bobby’s plot.

  West nodded to the envelope. “You take it.”

  I pulled my jacket tighter against my body as I followed him to a heart-shaped headstone, and he kneeled down. He pulled a rock from his pocket and kissed it before placing it at the base with a pile of other ones that formed a ring around the entire stone. They were beach rocks, in an array of colors that seemed carefully chosen. Among the stones rubbed smooth by ocean waves were only the most perfect seashells.

  “She loved the ocean,” he said as he kneeled there with his arms propped on his thighs. “It didn’t matter what season it was — she loved it. So each time I come I bring a little piece of it back to her to let her know I still go and relish the things she loved.”

  I nodded even though I knew he couldn’t see me and my eyes rose to the dates April 21, 1987 – July 9, 2010.

  Twenty- three. Bobby had four years more than she did. Both were too young to die. West turned to face me.

  “I was never strong enough to visit frequently. The emotions are still so raw. I miss my best friend, and I wish it could stop, but I feel him everywhere– which should be good, but sometimes it hurts so much to know he’s really not there.”

  West’s fingers came up, catching tears I didn’t even know formed. His green eyes deepened as they flicked across my face. “He is there.”

  “I’ve had a few dreams… They’re so vivid I feel like he’s alive again. Usually, he’s chastising me, which is odd because that was my job when he was alive. It’s like death suddenly gave him wisdom in my brain.”

  I waited for him to laugh, but his eyes remained serious and trained on me. When he spoke, his voice was stern, as if he needed to convince me his words were true. “It’s him, Riv. He’s your guardian angel.”

  I forced my lips up even though my head spun. “Yeah, I guess so.”

  Bobby’s words echoed in my head, and I swallowed hard.

  You’re going to break Brighton.

  I fought the angry waves of fear washing over me. I didn’t want to break West, and what did Bobby allude to with Adam?

  That this wouldn’t be good for him either.

  My stomach clenched as West nodded to the package I clutched in my hands.

  “Open it.”

  I struggled with the plastic pull that would quickly open the envelope but finally got it. Inside were guitar picks, in all different colors. West held his hand out for me and guided me through the granite markers.

  Was I destined to hurt every single person I loved? I fought the urge to run back to the car– to slam it in gear and drive far away from anywhere there was a human I cared about and would eventually destroy. Instead, I kept walking, pacing my erratic breaths as I tried to gain control of my emotions. We stopped in front of Bobby’s grave, and the ground around his headstone was a rainbow of guitar picks.

  “One for every show he’s played.” West nodded to the package in my hands. The paper edges dug into my palms from how hard I held it. “Adam was struggling with going on the road again, and I mentioned what I did for Soph, and maybe he could do something similar. I agreed to take them here each time he sent them. This way Bobby’s always with him.”

  He gave me a soft smile, reaching out and touching my cheek. “Want to do the honors?”

  Tears filled my eyes, and I nodded, kneeling down and tipping the package over so the picks bounced over the ground against each other. West had thought of this; a way for Bobby to always be with Adam. A sob racked my body. I didn’t want to break West. I wanted to make him as whole as he made me. Who he was, his kindness and caring, Bobby-like humor and his presence that was so uniquely his, a mix of strength and pain and warmth, made me feel like me.

  Why hadn’t Bobby come back since that dream? Was it because he was disappointed I hadn’t listened? That he thought I was fine breaking everyone I cared about?

  West kneeled down next to me, pulling me into his arms and rocking me back and forth. I remembered coming to this place and telling Bobby about my broken dreams, seeing Adam here as my shattered dreams and now new dreams I didn’t even realize I had disintegrated in front of me.

  I just wanted to be happy with West. I wanted to live and love him without all the burden and pain, but if Bobby was an angel he had to know that wouldn’t happen.

  “Shh,” West said his voice rough with his own emotion. “I’m sorry I suggested this. I didn’t realize it’d be so hard for you. I’m so sorry.”

  I pulled away and looked up at him. “I don’t want to break you.”

  “What makes you think you will?” West asked as my hands moved to his shoulders.

  “When we first met — that was the last time I had a dream with Bobby in it. He–” My voice cracked. “He said I didn’t know you. That I couldn’t understand and that I’d break you. He had to have known what happened with Sophia. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  West’s gaze dropped from mine, and his hands went up to cover my own.

  “I don’t think guardians can see the future. They know the past and the present– but things change, River. Maybe he never thought you’d let me in. Hell, I didn’t think you would, and he knows you better than anyone in the world.”

  “Then why hasn’t he come back to tell me he was wrong?” I asked, my breathing calming at his words.

  “I haven’t heard from Soph in a year. Guardians come when we need guidance. If we’re on the right track, there’s no reason to come. Do you think you’ll break me?” His eyes were set on me now, lips in a line of tension as he waited for my response.

  I closed my eyes. “I’m afraid I break everything I love.”

  West’s lips touched mine, a kiss so painfully sweet I never wanted it to end. He pulled away and kissed my nose and then my forehead before speaking again.

  “You haven’t broken anything, and if you have, it’s within your power to fix it. And I’ll be by your side to help you– even when it’s Adam.”

  I opened my eyes, and a tingling rushed up my back. It was a warm embrace I missed so much, followed by the faint smell of Twilight Woods; the cologne Tara hated, but I loved. The one that was Bobby, and I knew he was here.

  I was never alone.

  “Thank you,” I said to West and Bobby.

  Chapter 5

  West and I fell into a comfortable pattern. Some nights we stayed at the condo, while other nights were spent at his house, and since my work was so close, we carpooled on most days. On days West had filming I made dinner because he so exha
usted and the remaining nights he’d make dinner. I smiled at the thought of how well we meshed together. I didn’t even have to ask for space on Saturdays to hang out with Dad. West woke me up with coffee, already in workout clothes and let me know he had planned something with his family or his tattoo team. He always let me know where he was going and when he planned on being back. I never realized how much easier open communication could make things. It was simple, and I never needed to worry about him.

  Wednesdays meant the film crew was at the shop. West hadn’t been able to text me all day other than a brief snapshot of the corner of his face and the other guys from the shop on the floor playing with the puppies. I smiled as I grabbed my empty coffee mug to go fill up, but stopped at my door when I heard the sound of women squealing and then the distinct tink-tink of puppy toenails on tiles. West careened down the hallway grabbing for the leashes of our beagle crew. Even with his long legs, he couldn’t keep up with them once they caught my scent.

  “Did Daddy let you lose?” I asked as a bent down, and they clamored over me, fighting for pets as I laughed. West came to a stop in front of me with his face red and flustered. My breath caught in my throat as I realized it was something more than the puppies getting away from him that was bugging him. “Are you okay?”

  West rubbed the back of his neck, eyes lids fluttering. “I just…I needed someone to talk to, and I was so in my head that when they started pulling, I lost my grip. I’m sorry. I couldn’t leave them with the producers being the way they were.”

  I stood, putting my hand on his cheek and his shoulders slouched as he leaned into my touch. “It’s okay. There’s no reason to be sorry. My employees love an adorable distraction.”

  West’s eyes opened, and his eyebrows rose. He knew I was insinuating more than just the dogs. He looked over his shoulder and let out a frustrated sigh. “This place is a fishbowl. Is there anywhere people won’t be able to see us?”

  “Yeah…the firing room– AKA our conference room. It has blinds,” I replied, and West’s brows came down over his eyes as I shrugged. “When people get fired they tend not to react so well. I haven’t had to do it, but HR wanted to make sure there was someplace private for that because while open glass stimulates teamwork, open firing doesn’t.”

  West chuckled at that, and he stepped aside so I could lead the way. Charlie was at her cubicle, looking at her computer, but her eyes kept flickering our way.

  “Charlie,” I said, and she perked up. “Do you like dogs?”

  Her eyes widened with her smile. “Of course! Would you like me to watch them for a few minutes?”

  I nodded, and she stood, coming over and going into my office. She closed the door behind her to keep them in one place and winked at me.

  I rolled my eyes before slipping West’s hand into mine. “This way.”

  We went into the room where the blinds were already drawn. The employees often used the room to make private phone calls, which right now I didn’t mind at all. It would be pretty suspicious if I came into the room with my boyfriend and drew the blinds. I turned and sat on the top of the conference room desk. West paced in front of me, his hands running through his sexily disheveled hair.

  “What’s going on with the producers?” I asked.

  He stopped pacing and looked at the ceiling. “It’s not easy owning a tattoo parlor. These places open and close all the time. Artists tend to be drama all the time. That’s what makes it good for reality TV.” His jaw clenched. “I put a lot of work into getting the team I have. We’re a family. We get along, and there’s none of that drama shit. I signed onto this show because it was easy marketing and would keep the business flowing in.”

  I smiled, reaching for his hand. “It is excellent marketing.”

  “Yeah.” His voice became hoarse, and his chin dipped to his chest as he wove his fingers through mine. I could feel him shaking, and I pulled him towards me. “But the producers are trying to start drama. The guys love it when I bring the pups, but the producers want to make it look like they’re little devil dogs.”

  “It worries me.” He shook his head. “The network wants me to sign another two-season contract, but if the producers are starting this now, I don’t want to. Once this show is done, I need to keep my team together. If we split, they’ll start asking them for their own shows. I know it’s selfish, but I need to hold us together. It’s a vicious cycle, once it starts the producers will keep going until we’re at war with each other — owning different shops– until we all fail– and we will if we split. I love being a tattoo artist. I don’t want to end up having to design clothes or makeup.”

  His eyes lifted to mine. They were that dark green that showed he was upset, but they were also enhanced by makeup. I reached forward, running my hands over his highlighted cheeks. “Speaking of makeup.”

  West’s jaw clenched underneath my hands, and I slid my hand to his neck, pulling him to me. He put his hands on either side of me, and I moved my legs to wrap around him.

  “Another ridiculous part of this show, but in the end, it’s helped all of us. I just don’t want it to turn around and destroy us.”

  “You may not know this,” I said, letting my hands drop to his shoulders and rub the tense muscles there. “But I’m quite the contract reviewer. Why don’t you bring home the paperwork you have? I’ll make sure there’s a clause for ‘filming may not interfere with normal operations.’ Meaning no drama shit, and then I’ll add one in that they can’t take one of your employees. We have that clause in all of the contracts we have here.”

  West’s eyes opened to lock on mine, and his muscles finally relaxed underneath my hands. “I’m the luckiest man alive, aren’t I?”

  I leaned up and kissed him lightly before pulling away. “I tend to think I’m the lucky one.”

  “We’re both lucky,” West said, and his eyes returned to the tired, stressed look. “I kind of want to go home after this filming set.” He looked down at his watch. “I should be done by like two, two thirty.”

  “Okay, I’ll be sure I’m ready to leave by then. I’ll just work from home, and it’s my night for dinner,” I replied as West stood up.

  “It’s my house tonight,” West said, his lips twitching.

  “I know.”

  He leaned down again, teeth running over his lips.

  His voice was deep when he replied, “My house is home?”

  I put my hands behind his neck as he tilted my chin up with his hand. “Yes.”

  His lips met mine, and heat spread through my body. Where he was felt exactly like home no matter where that was. As his mouth moved over mine, a small shudder ran through him, and I pulled him tighter to me, wrapping my legs around his. When we kissed it was more than just a physical sensation, it ran through my body to my heart and soul, deepened with an emotion neither of us admitted out loud.

  Chapter 6

  I heaved a sigh as I closed my laptop, yawning as I leaned back in my seat. The whole floor was dark, and the only thing illuminating the building had been my laptop. I flipped on the desk lamp before looking down at my cell phone. West was filming late, and he had the puppies, so there was no reason for me to rush home. I stood and stretched. It had been months since I worked this late. With West around, I had a reason to go home and rest. It was only seven, and I didn’t know how I used to work well into the early morning. I smiled as I tucked my laptop into my purse.

  I hadn’t had anything to look forward to when I went home, but now I did. My stomach growled, and I wondered if West had eaten. He’d told me to avoid the shop during filming because of the drama the producers made, but I’d nipped that in the butt with the contract changes. Or at least I hoped it had. I chewed on my inner lip before deciding to go pick us up burgers and fries. I missed him, and I was sure it had been a long day since he hadn’t text me since lunch.

  When I pulled into the parking lot, my chest clenched. I hoped he wouldn’t be mad I was there, and I didn’t want to be on film. I’d
had enough exposure with my ice rink tribute. It had been three weeks, but views had been doubling each week. I figured it would calm down, but for some reason, it hadn’t. I squeezed the steering wheel before giving into the fantastic scent of the fast food from our favorite spot and heading into the shop.

  The puppies started howling as soon as they saw me, and West looked up from the tattoo he was watching his newest teammate, Temp, do. The camera fixed on them didn’t move, and I was glad for that. West smiled as he came towards me, pulling me into a hug.

  “Just the face I wanted to see,” he said, kissing me lightly. His hands remained on my face, his green eyes lightening.

  “I brought some dinner,” I replied.

  He smirked. “Any reason to come see me, huh?”

  “Cocky man in front of the camera?” I teased, and his eyes flashed as his smile slipped. I leaned up and kissed his cheek. “Yes, I was looking for an excuse to come see you. I miss you with all this filming.”

  The smile regained its strength just as Bagel let out a howl of irritation.

  “You too, Bagel,” I called over to where our fur children were attempting to climb over one another to get over the plastic gate separating them from the tattoo shop floor.

  “Shall we?” West asked as he took the food from me and put his hand on the small of my back. He carefully navigated us, so he blocked the camera’s view when we passed by Temp. Any other time I would’ve been interested in seeing what he was working on, but the camera deterred me.

  “Just a few more weeks,” West said as he closed the door to the backroom, locking us away from the film crew. “It couldn’t go fast enough.”

  I looked up from where I was kneeling to give the puppies love. “How do the other guys feel about it?”

  “They’re ready for it to be over, too,” he replied, running a hand through his hair as he sat down at the table. “I feel bad for Temp. I just recruited him, and he comes into all of this. I mean, he’s from a busy shop in Boston, but having a camera shoved in your face while you work and are trying to learn is a different level of crazy.”