Finding Perfection

by Cassandra Giovanni

Jesse chuckled, not believing me. “So what did they ask for? Was it reasonable?”

  “Makeshift Chemistry tickets at the Palladium,” I said as I tapped my fingers against the desk.

  I heard typing on the computer, followed by a pause.

  “River…” Jesse said, his voice tinged with concern.

  “Jesse…”

  “Fade Burn?”

  I cleared my throat. “What about them?”

  “You’re supposed to go with the team.”

  “I figured we could do dinner and rent a limo too since the tickets are so cheap,” I replied, tipping my head back as I turned away from the door. No one could see the way my face had turned red if I wasn’t facing them.

  “That’s fine, but River–“

  I cut him off. “I’ll be fine. It’s been a long time.”

  Jesse heaved a sigh, and it reverberated through the phone. “I’ll trust your judgment on this.”

  “Thanks,” I replied.

  I just wasn’t sure I trusted my judgment. I’d eradicated Adam from my mind, but now his name was on replay.

  Adam…

  Adam…

  Adam.

  Chapter 16

  I’ll be fine.

  Ha. I laughed to myself as I ran my hands through my hair for the millionth time that day. At that moment, I wasn’t okay. I couldn’t concentrate on a damn thing. I’d turned my music off in hopes I’d be able to think about work and getting my job done and not Fade Burn.

  I figured it would be easier if there weren’t the chance one of their songs would come on the radio. Normally, I would just skip them, but with the concert looming ahead of me in a few days, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to. I swallowed hard as I gripped the steering wheel of my car. The weight in my chest increased with each passing mile. I knew West would be waiting for me when I got home, and he’d ask how my day went.

  Oh, just dandy. You know the usual. Looked at adverts, picked a winner for the competition, and I have to go to a Fade Burn concert.

  I parked my car and looked up to see West letting the pups out to greet me. The tightness loosened a bit. I loved coming home to all of them.

  “They sure do miss you,” West said as our three dogs jumped on my legs. It was a bad habit, but I couldn’t bear to bring myself to break it. “I get it, though. I missed you, too.”

  The weight from my chest seemed to sink into my stomach as I tried to smile at him.

  He narrowed his eyes at me. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, totally. It was just a long day,” I replied as we headed into the house. I dropped my purse onto the entryway table and slipped off my shoes.

  West nodded up the stairs. “Go on up and change. I’ll start working on dinner. Cesar shrimp tacos, okay?”

  My stomach growled the answer. As I headed up the stairs, my eyes moved to the guitar hanging on the wall. West’s eyes followed, and his Adam’s apple rose and fell before he headed into the kitchen. I took my time changing, guilt washing over me in hot waves. I had to tell West.

  When I got downstairs, West was putting dinner on the table. He looked up, and I sat down looking at the food.

  “Looks great,” I said, my voice cracking without my permission.

  “Yeah.” West cleared his throat. “So, what’s going on?”

  “What do you mean?” I asked as I piled a taco with condiments.

  “First, you hate hot sauce on anything.” He nodded to my taco which was mostly red from how much I’d dumped on it.

  I swallowed and handed it over to him. “I was making it for you.”

  He pursed his lips, and I sat back. “We announced the competition winners today.”

  “And?” He took a bite of the taco and coughed. It was even too spicy for him. He placed it down before wiping his lips with a napkin.

  I picked at the edges of my tortilla. “They asked to go see a Fade Burn concert that’s next week.”

  “The one with Makeshift Chemistry? It should be a good one.”

  My eyes rose, and his eyes had darkened despite his casual tone.

  “I’ll have to go with them.”

  His gaze dropped, and he pursed his lips. “I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself. You like that kind of music.”

  “But–“

  West cut me off with a shake of his head. “You can handle yourself, and if you see Adam, maybe it will be a good thing. Your families are tied together, so you’re going to have to rip off the band-aid at some point.”

  He took another bite of the fiery taco I’d made and swallowed it without coughing. His eyes watered at the edges.

  “How did you know about the concert?” I asked, and his shoulders tensed. “Jesse told you?”

  West shook his head. “You know Jesse doesn’t get involved in our personal shit.”

  “He kind of does–“

  West’s eyes lifted. “Not directly. He gives advice, but he wouldn’t get involved by telling me something you should.”

  West took a swig from his root beer, staring at the bottle as he swirled its contents. My face burned as I waited for an explanation I didn’t need. I knew they were friends. Bobby’s grave, decorated with guitar picks flashed in my mind. Good friends.

  “He wants to see you?” I asked.

  West swallowed the final bite of the taco. “He mentioned another tattoo.”

  “When?”

  He ran his hand through his hair, letting it fall to the back of his neck. “The day after the show.”

  “Did you plan on telling him about us?”

  He scoffed. “How would I bring that up? By the way, I’m in love with your ex, and we’ve been dating for a while. Hope you’re cool with it.”

  It sounded ridiculous. It was ridiculous, but was there any right way to tell Adam?

  “It doesn’t matter if he’s cool with it,” I replied, locking eyes with him. His brows shadowed them, and it was obvious he was fighting conflicted emotions.

  I stood and went to sit in his lap. “Maybe you just say you fell for some girl you gave a tattoo.”

  “What if he wants to know who this mysterious girl is?”

  “He must know. I mean he had to of seen the video of me performing at Bobby’s memorial? You were right there,” I replied, and West sighed, putting his forehead against mine.

  “You’d think so, but maybe it was too hard for him to watch.”

  I swallowed as my throat thickened. Aside from that one video I’d clicked, I avoided listening to Fade Burn in any way I could. I never gave them a thumb’s down on my radio app, but I did go so far as to change the channel if I was out of skips.

  “Either that he’s going to try to knock me out when he sees me,” West replied, and his body relaxed underneath my hands.

  I imagined Adam going up against West. West was like Bobby, towering over Adam in height. While West wasn’t as sturdy as Bobby, he was more muscular than Adam. Not that it mattered. Adam gave Bobby double black eyes.

  Adam’s voice echoed in my mind, ‘I love her more than anyone in this fucking world, including you.’

  “You have to try to stop doing that,” West said, his hand coming to my face and bringing me back from the memory.

  I tried to laugh it off, but it sounded more like a gag. “What are you talking about?”

  “I can tell when you’re thinking about them. You get this distant look in your eyes, and your body tenses up as if you’re waiting for someone to sucker punch you,” West said, his eyes racing over my face.

  “I don’t think it’s ever going to go away, West,” I said standing and putting my hands in my hair. My stomach rolled. It wasn’t fair to him, though.

  West pulled me back into his arms from behind, fitting me perfectly into him. “No, it won’t, but I’m doing my best to try to make you forget.”

  I turned to face him. “Do you think that’s going to be possible with Adam always somewhere in the background?”

  West flinched but kept his eyes on mine. “That’s our de
cision to make, River. I get he’ll always be there, but how that effects you, is up to you. Same thing with Bobby.”

  “With Bobby?” My stomach fluttered.

  “He may not be here, physically.” West pressed his lips to my forehead. “But he’s in here, always.”

  “Is that the way it is with Sophia?” I asked as he pulled away.

  “She’s always in my heart, but I don’t let her, or my past with her, control my life anymore.”

  “How did you get past it?” I asked as we sat back down to dinner. I stared down at my plate. I wasn’t hungry.

  West cleared his throat, and I looked up to see him with his brows raised. I didn’t need to hear the explanation. It showed clearly in his eyes.

  Me.

  “I fell in love,” he finally replied.

  I smiled at him, and he waited for me to respond, but instead, I started making another taco. We ate in silence and then watched our typical weeknight shows. We kissed one another goodnight, and I curled into West’s arms. He was tense, and I didn’t blame him. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but for some reason, I couldn’t get them to come out.

  I closed my eyes and found Bobby waiting for me at the dock by the lake. He sat down next to me and put his arm around my waist. I wanted to breathe in his scent and close my eyes, but instead, I just sat there, my stomach flipping with how short this moment might be.

  “I haven’t seen you in awhile,” I said, interrupting the silence and breaking of waves against wood.

  “You didn’t need me.” He kissed the top of my head. “But you’re having a hard time again.”

  I pulled away so that I could see his face, and his eyes were that sapphire blue I loved and hated at the same time. It was a beautiful color, but it was also full of emotion; usually sadness or anger.

  “I have West,” I said.

  “For how long if you keep this up?” Bobby asked, and my head jerked back. “I thought you’d have figured it out by now. All this guilt you’re having isn’t because you still love Adam. Did you ever think about why you dated all those guys that looked like me?”

  “They were safe,” I replied, and he raised an eyebrow. That obviously wasn’t the right answer. I shook my head, and he leaned forward, pushing his forehead against mine. “I’m not supposed to do this, but I don’t think you’ll understand until I do.”

  “Do what?”

  He laughed, tilting my chin up with one finger. “Being dead gives you a new whole perspective instead of just you’re own. Quite enlightening.”

  I was about to ask what he meant, but suddenly his lips were on mine, and my whole body was on fire. I didn’t push away, I deepened the kiss, and he pulled my body over his. His hands tangled in my hair as my own slipped around his shoulders. Bobby was the one who pulled away, and his eyes examined mine, looking to see if I understood before he winked and faded away.

  I sat straight up in bed, and angry tears fell down my face as my whole body shook. West pulled me into his arms as the angry sobs took over my body.

  “I don’t get it,” I said, shaking my head as if it would knock some sense into me. Instead, it pounded.

  West’s hands moved to either side of my face. “What?”

  How could I explain it? Bobby kissed me.

  He kissed me, and I didn’t pull away.

  I didn’t want to pull away. Bobby was in my head, and I hated it because the person I knew I wanted was here in front of me right now.

  “He…” I began, but the words trailed off as I struggled with the whole idea.

  “Bobby?” he asked.

  My stomach clenched and I pulled away, putting my head on my knees. I couldn’t say it. I didn’t want to say it.

  West’s fingertips ran up and down my spine, and we sat in quiet for a moment.

  “Did you ever think you were just in love with the idea of being in love with Adam, so you never actually gave the idea of Bobby a thought?” West said, and my head shot up.

  My face burned as I stared back at him, my mouth open. I shook my head. I was going crazy. Was I still asleep? I pressed my fingernails hard into my palm, and a sharp pain ran up my arm.

  I was awake.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I managed to say.

  Because he’s dead.

  “I’m glad.” He cursed as I looked up at him. “I didn’t mean it like that, Riv. I swear. I–“

  I shook my head, and my eyes fell to the tattoo on his chest, the one that still made my chest tighten. “I get it.”

  He sighed, pulling me into his arms.

  I stared up at the ceiling as I asked, “Do you think Adam knows?”

  “I think Adam always knew.”

  Chapter 17

  “Hey,” I said as I walked around the stairs to find West sitting on the couch, forearms against his knees and eyes locked on my guitar. “You okay?”

  He stood, and his hand went the back of his neck. “I’m torn.”

  “I’ll be fine, I promise,” I replied as I stepped forward and put my hand on his cheek. “He won’t even know I’m there.”

  West’s eyes snapped open, locking on mine. “He’ll know.”

  “It won’t matter,” I replied as my stomach twisted.

  His chest rose up, and when he spoke his words were a pained whisper. “That’s what I keep telling myself…but there are things you haven’t said.”

  I love you.

  My blood rushed in my ears as I stared at his green eyes, flashing back and forth over mine. The color deepened as the moments ran into one another.

  Words. They were just words, but while West said them, I hadn’t returned them. West looked down to my forearm, where the tattoo that brought us together was and then brought it up to his lips. My chest ached as I felt the trembling of them against my skin.

  “You know, don’t you?” he said as his mouth lifted.

  That he loved me? I felt it with every fiber of my being.

  If I loved him or not? I swallowed hard. I did know. A knock on the door pulled us apart, and his hand raked through his hair.

  “It has to happen sometime,” he said to himself more than to me. He nodded over my shoulder. “Go have fun.”

  I leaned up on my toes and kissed him, my lips lingering over his as I pulled away.

  Words. They were just words, but they stuck in my throat.

  “I’ll be home soon,” I said, and he nodded.

  I froze with my hand on the doorknob, staring at the wreath on the door.

  “Are you coming, or what?” Charlie called as I was about to open it back up. Instead, my feet propelled me towards the car while my heart tried to drag me back.

  I tried to have a good time, but all I could think about was the desperation in West’s eyes. He should know how I felt. The words stuck on repeat in my head, making me sick to my stomach. I closed my eyes, and Bobby’s face found its way there. I could feel the heat of his lips against mine, hungry in a dream that was all too real. Adam wasn’t the problem, was he? My palms went slick against one another as the Palladium came into view. I’d know as soon as I saw him.

  “I can’t believe we’re here!” Charlie said, bumping shoulders with me and giving me a soft smile. She cocked her head as I forced my lips to tilt upward. “You okay? You look a little green.”

  “Yeah, sushi isn’t sitting well,” I replied as the limo stopped.

  “I can’t wait to see Adam Beckerson. I wonder if he sounds as good live?” she asked, and my body tensed because I knew he did.

  “I’m sure he’s great,” I replied as the door opened. Charlie squealed, and I stepped out into the cold December air. The rest of the team poured out after me with broad smiles on their faces. I shook my head as I trailed behind them. They were so excited for something so simple. It wasn’t like the tickets were impossible to get, or wicked expensive. I wished I could be as enthusiastic as them, but all I wanted to do was call West and have him pick me up; to talk to him about the things going through my head
.

  But I couldn’t.

  I needed to face this on my own. I needed to see Adam. I needed to straighten out the mess of feelings rioting inside my brain and messing with my heart. We pushed into the room, already buzzing with activity, and I kept my eyes on the pointy tips of my red pumps. Sweat dripped down my back as I fought back waves of nausea.

  I didn’t want to do this.

  I didn’t want to know.

  Charlie grabbed my arm. “Ah! There he is.”

  Of course, Fade Burn was opening. I turned slowly, and my body flushed cold.

  Adam.

  There he was on the stage, only twenty feet away, but as the crowd crushed against me, the tightness in my chest loosened. He wouldn’t be able to see me amongst all these people. My jaw dropped as I fought the barrage of emotions coming over me.

  He looks amazing.

  His right arm was filled with tattoos now. They were ones my boyfriend put there. The lyrics spiraled from his wrist all the way up until they disappeared underneath the sleeve of his t-shirt. I didn’t know what song it was, but my head pounded to remind me I knew someone who did.

  Charlie leaned over, fanning her face. “He’s not West, but he’s hot, right?”

  He’s not West.

  The thought rammed into me, and I found my body shifting backward as if someone physically hit me. Neither was Bobby.

  No one was West.

  “Just different,” I managed to say as Charlie squeezed my arm and looked at me with dilated pupils.

  “I know you love, West, but I mean, come on! You still have eyes, right?”

  My breath caught in my throat as I looked over at her.

  Love.

  Just a word.

  Adam’s voice boomed through the room, and my eyes darted back to the stage as my body began to tremble. “Good Evening, Boston!”

  The pieces of me I lost found one another, colliding with my heart before disintegrating as I stared up at him. The sound of the drum crashed into my skull, and at that moment, I knew why I needed this. The guitar began to play, and the room spun. Adam’s voice joined, echoing through the speakers, and I gripped my arms to my chest.

  “So I break you…Until you shatter.”