Finding Perfection

by Cassandra Giovanni

  One year today.

  My head pounded, and I covered my face with the cool cotton fabric of my pillow. I’d worked late every single day since Christmas in an attempt to forget my thoughts about Bobby, the dress sitting in storage somewhere and Tara’s ability to so easily ignore me. Today, was just too much.

  My skull felt like it was going to split. I rolled over and grabbed the bottle of pills, swallowing them without water. Maybe it was the fact I was holding in an ocean of tears. I squeezed my eyes shut.

  365 days.

  It felt like an eternity since I’d really seen Bobby.

  The dogs’ ears perked at the sound of the front door opening. It was only 1:00 in the afternoon, and West shouldn’t be home. Their tails wagged signaling it was definitely West, and I hadn’t just forgotten to lock the door.

  “Hey,” West said as he walked in and sat on the edge of the bed. “I went to see you at work, and they said you’d gone home.”

  I tried to swallow the lump growing in my throat down, but with his kind eyes flicking across my face filled with worry, I couldn’t. The lump was too big, the weight on my chest too heavy, and the tears too thick to hold back. West pulled me into his arms as I finally let it go.

  Bobby was never coming back. One year would turn to two, then three, then ten — twenty — thirty. The pain felt as raw as it did 8,752 hours ago.

  I clung to West like I wished I could’ve with Adam when it happened. I did exactly what I did in my head, and a year’s worth of pain poured out of me into his arms. He rocked me, rubbing my arms and kissing my head. He never said it was going to be okay. At some point, the tears were spent and we laid back in bed without speaking. His fingers ran over my arms as my head lifted and fell with his chest.

  “Thank you,” I finally said, my voice raw.

  It hurt to talk.

  West kissed the top of my head. “I will always be here for you. You could’ve texted me, and I would’ve come home sooner.”

  “You came home. That’s all that matters.” And I knew he always would. I closed my eyes. “I love you, West.”

  “I love you more,” he replied, his voice fading as I drifted into a dream.

  Bobby faced away from me with his feet hanging into the water. The leaves on the trees around us had changed, but there was still a perpetual warmth, wherever here was. I sat down next to him and put my head on his shoulder, snaking our fingers together in my lap.

  “A year isn’t a long time in the scope of things,” Bobby said, and his voice was hoarse as if he’d been crying.

  Could angels cry?

  I looked up at him, and his eyes were red around the beautiful blue. He had been crying.

  “Tara remembers everything now. I was hoping she never would,” Bobby said, looking at our hands. His eyes came up to mine. “I should’ve left her alone…now she hates us both.”

  I scoffed. “She already hated me.”

  Bobby put his head in his hands, running his fingers through it until they reached his neck and laced together. He looked up, his eyes racing over mine. “You were on the right track and I went and fucked it up.”

  “I don’t get it,” I replied, following him as he stood. He towered over me, jaw tense.

  “You told me not to hurt her, and I did, Riv. And now I’ve hurt you because of it. I know how badly you want things to be better with her…and she’ll only hurt you more if you try to fix it.” He tipped his head back.

  “I can handle it,” I replied.

  Bobby’s gaze came down to mine. The blue of the sky had darkened through our conversation. He exhaled through his nose.

  “You’ll have to confront her alone. She’s too afraid of what Adam will do if she says the things she wants to in front of him,” he replied, stepping forward and taking my face in his hands. “You’re strong, Riv. But if she breaks your friendship, then know you tried and move on. Everyone needs that. You’re all alive. You need to live. I need to stop interfering.”

  He closed his eyes, chuckling to himself. “Adam was right. He’s a good man.”

  I narrowed my eyes on him, and he smiled.

  “He’s perfect for you. Even if I was alive…I could never have competed.” Bobby wrapped me in his arms, kissing the top of my head. “I love you, River.”

  My eyes fluttered open as the light of the sun setting cascaded over my face. It was as if Bobby was giving me one last hug, passing through the dream into my reality. I sat there for a moment in the embrace as the feeling sunk in that I wasn’t going to see him again for a long time. Something had changed.

  You need to live. I need to stop interfering.

  “Hey, sleepyhead,” West said, as he leaned against the doorframe. I sat up, and he came in. “How are you feeling?”

  I swallowed. My eyes and throat were like sandpaper. “Like I cried a year’s worth of tears.”

  “I think you did.” West tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and cupped my cheek.

  I stood up and sank into him, inhaling the comfort of his scent. “Thank you.”

  He sighed, looking down at me. “I have something planned for you, but I get if you just want to stay in.”

  I looked over my shoulder to where the sun had disappeared over the horizon. I shook my head.

  “No, I’m ready to live,” I replied.

  ~~~

  “So where are you taking me?” I asked as we climbed into West’s Audi. It had snowed, and the car’s bright orange color screamed that it should be garaged, even though it was all-wheel drive. It was nice to have something so cheery when the snow felt so bleak to me. My teeth clenched, at least it was snow and not freezing rain.

  West put his arm around my seat as he looked over his shoulder to back out. “It’s a surprise.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “I don’t care that you don’t like surprises,” he replied, narrowing his eyes on me before putting the car into drive.

  “Can we at least stop for coffee?” I asked with a yawn.

  “You know I’m always up for coffee,” West said, his eyes flicking to the time. “Even at seven at night.”

  I fought the urge to take my hand from his and cross my arms over my swirling stomach.

  Two more hours, eleven minutes, thirty-six seconds.

  West squeezed my hand, seeming to know where my mind went without me even saying it. I settled deeper into the seat as the street lights reflected off the snow. West ordered my coffee by heart, and then two extras. He handed me the carrier, and I took his coffee out and handed it to him.

  “You’re really that in the mood for coffee?” I asked as we headed in the direction of Ashland.

  “Yeah, that’s it,” West replied and then took a sip of his. He tapped his hands against the steering wheel as the familiar scenery began to pass.

  Even covered in five inches of snow, I knew where we were going. I crossed my legs and uncrossed them as my body tingled.

  The ice rink.

  There were a handful of cars parked in the lot and my jaw went slack when I saw Tara and Adam standing in front of the statue symbolic of my childhood with the Beckerson boys. I glanced over at West as he parked the car, and he swallowed hard.

  I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “He’s right. You’re perfect.”

  West shook his head. “Who’s right?”

  I smiled at him, and then got out of the car without answering.

  “I figured instead of being sad about what happened a year ago, we should get together and do something that Bobby would actually want you to do. A game of hockey,” West said as he came around the car.

  I leaned up on my toes, wrapping my hands around his neck and kissed him slowly. The tension in West’s body melted away, and his hands came up to my face, sending warmth shooting through my body.

  “I’m taking that as you’re not pissed at me?” he asked, breathless as he pulled away.

  “Not at all,” I replied as I leaned back into the car and grabbed the carrier for the coffee
s.

  “Larger than life,” Adam said as we came up to the statue.

  Tara’s eyes were glued to it with her body tensed.

  “It’s very Bobby, don’t you think?” I asked, cocking my head at it.

  Adam laughed. “That’s for sure.”

  “Coffee?” I asked, holding out the recycled brown paper holder.

  Adam took one of the styrofoam cups. “Perfect.”

  I held out the other for Tara, the holder tipping precariously with only one drink in it, but her eyes remained locked on the statue.

  I cleared my throat. “Tara, coffee?”

  She shook her head, her eyes never meeting mine. Finally, she looked away from the bronze and down at her feet. She was wearing thigh high brown boots. Only she could pull off something like that. Her long tunic sweater hung only a few inches higher, showing a minimal amount of the grey leggings she wore.

  “I think your parents are already inside,” West said, nodding over his shoulder.

  “This is really cool. I think Bobby would love us having a pick up game,” Adam said as we headed towards the entrance.

  I smirked as I held the door open. “You realize our team is going to kick your ass, right?”

  Adam chuckled. “Who says we’re going up against each other?”

  “We always go up against each other. And I always kick your ass,” I replied, playfully elbowing him.

  Tara’s head jerked towards me, and I instinctively put my hands up.

  She scoffed. “That’s right. You have to make everything a stupid competition.”

  West stepped in front of me. “We’re here for Bobby. You need to put your shit aside. You agreed you would.”

  “That was before,” she said, her voice so quiet I wasn’t sure she meant to say it out loud.

  “Before?” West pushed.

  Adam put his hand on Tara’s elbow. “For Bobby, T. Okay?”

  Tara flinched at Bobby’s name. She shook her head as she replied, “I’m here to support you, no other reason.”

  Adam’s brow furrowed, and Tara bit her lip, shifting on her feet.

  I slipped my fingers between West’s. “Let’s go get some skates?”

  “Remind me why you want to be friends with her again?” West asked as we walked up to the equipment booth. There wasn’t a line since it looked like there was a select few here for the memorial game.

  I glanced at the ice. My parents, along with Adam’s, several of Bobby’s college buddies and some of his past students were already gathered there with sticks and skates on. Alec held two colorful bags of pullover jerseys in Bobby’s two favorite colors — black and yellow for the Boston Bruins.

  “Same reason we’re here: Bobby,” I replied.

  West told the staff member our sizes, and then we walked over to put our skates on. West’s eyes followed Tara and Adam as they went up to the equipment booth as well. Both of them looked tense.

  He shook his head before tying his skate. “Do you think Bobby would really want you to be around someone who treats you like she does?”

  I leaned back on the cold bench, letting the does bite into my palms. Bobby said I needed to get her alone, or my subconscious did.

  “I think she’s just afraid to say what she’s feeling in front of Adam,” I replied, and West quirked an eyebrow at me.

  “That’s her being afraid of what Adam will think? In that case, I would advise you’re never alone with her, especially anywhere there are sharp objects.”

  I laughed as he helped me stand. “You’re probably right, but I think I should try.”

  West’s jaw clenched, and I pouted up at him. His chest rose, tightening the soft cotton of his shirt.

  “How long will you keep trying?”

  I glanced over at Tara tying her skates with a bit too much zealous as we got to the door to the ice. “I think one last time is enough.”

  “Second question.” West stepped out onto the ice and smoothly turned to face me. “How the hell are you going to get her alone?”

  “That’s where you and Adam come in,” I replied.

  Chapter 24

  I chewed my lip as I paced the living room. West and Adam were hanging out today, giving me the perfect opportunity to head over to Tara’s. Adam said she was pretty engrossed in keeping the band’s social media relevant while they were recording, but that she would be at her parent’s house. I looked down at Sadie, and she cocked her head at me.

  “I know I should just go,” I said as I leaned down and scratched under her chin. Her leg banged against the floor, but despite how much she was enjoying the attention, she still gave me a look like I should get going. I groaned, standing. “Fine. I might as well get it over with.”

  It had already been two weeks since I brought the idea up to West and Adam, but I’d wanted Tara to have some time to cool off from whatever she was pissed about during the hockey game. My team whooped Adam’s ass, and that only seemed to make her even more sullen. Alec had ordered pizza after the first game, and Tara had snuck out, having her mom pick her up. I ignored it, instead concentrating on memorializing Bobby through game after game of hockey with friends and family. I couldn’t walk the next day, but I was also smiling the whole time. It felt good to be happy about Bobby’s life instead of depressed it no longer existed.

  I closed my eyes, tipping my head back as my stomach knotted. I was doing this for Bobby. The light in the room shifted, and warmth moved over my face. It was like one of Bobby’s hugs. I opened my eyes to see Sadie had pushed the curtains open and was staring out the window at my car.

  “Fine!” I said, throwing my hands up. I grabbed my coat, slipping on my gloves before turning to face Sadie who had now hopped onto the couch. “You be good. I’ll be back soon.”

  She gave me a bored look before turning her attention to the television, which was set on WBH Boston. My favorite cooking show’s introduction played, and I huffed. Sadie looked back at me as if to say you need to leave.

  “Okay, I get it.” I headed out into the chilly January weather, happy that West had an electronic starter installed in my car as a surprise. I’d started it twenty minutes ago, so it was already warm.

  “You can do this.” I put the car into gear. My jaw clenched, and I turned up the radio. “You can do this.”

  I parked in front of Tara’s parent’s house, and my pulse thrummed in my ears. My knuckles went white against the steering wheel as heat flushed over my body. I turned off the ignition but still couldn’t manage to get my ass out of the car. Tara had made it clear she didn’t want to be around me, and now I was walking right into the lion’s den alone.

  “You can do this,” I said to myself yet again, and this time my breath came out in a puff against the cold that was already settling into the car. I could freeze or go inside the house. That was if she let me. I inhaled through my nose and finally forced myself out of the car and up to the front steps. I knocked two times before I could chicken out.

  Tara pulled the door open slowly, crossing her arms as I came into view. “Seriously? Did you guys plan this?”

  My eyebrows lifted without my permission, and the scowl on her face deepened, showing creases where I knew Tara wouldn’t want them to be.

  “You should smile more often if you want to avoid wrinkles,” I said, and she started to shut the door. I put my hand out to stop it, hoping I wouldn’t break my wrist from the force of her slamming it. “Wait, we need to talk.”

  Tara rolled her eyes before heading into the house without inviting me in. The door was still open, so I followed. She flopped down on the couch and pulled a pillow to her chest. The smell of chocolate chip cookies permeated the air. My jaw clenched. It was just like when I told her I was leaving Adam. I hoped this time it ended better.

  “What do you want?” Tara asked, looking at me standing awkwardly in front of her. I took a seat in the chair across from where she was. At least if Tara tried to strangle me, I’d have a chance at getting away. Her lips twitche
d, almost into a smile, as if she knew that’s what I was thinking.

  “We’re never going to get back to where we were, are we?” I asked, and my stomach did angry flips as she stared at me.

  Her jaw popped. “No.”

  I tilted my head back, rubbing my temples. “I’m trying here, Tara. I truly miss you. The you that didn’t spit venom at me.”

  “It’s not going to happen, River. Too much has gone on,” she replied, and her words cut into me.

  “Like what? I didn’t leave you. I left Adam. You chose him over me,” I said, and my head jerked back as I realized I was the one who should be pissed. She chose my ex-boyfriend over me. An ex she was never truly friends with; one she never showed any interest in — one she felt wasn’t even good enough for me originally.

  She looked away, pulling the pillow tighter to her. “It’s not about you leaving Adam anymore.”

  “Then what is it?” I threw my hands up.

  Her face paled as she picked at the strings on the edge of the pillow she held. Tara’s chin trembled. “I remember everything now. Every single second of that crash. I wish I didn’t, then maybe I could get past it all.”

  Bobby’s words rolled in my head, sending chills up my spine. Part of me always felt like I’d just been talking to myself, despite West saying that Bobby was my guardian angel.

  “I don’t understand. Please,” I said, my voice cracking. “I want to understand.”

  Her chest rose, and the words came from her lips in a pained whisper, “Bobby said I love you, River. And then he said Adam’s name…and then everything went black.”

  “He could’ve–” I began, but she cut me off with the shake of her head.

  “He didn’t, Riv. I know he didn’t.”

  My body rushed with uncomfortable tingles. There was nothing I could say to change Tara’s mind or to fix it.

  She tossed the pillow aside. “Don’t you get it? I was never going to be you for Bobby, and I’ll never be you for Adam.”

  Cold sunk into me as I stared back at her. “Both of those relationships were destroyed, Tara. You shouldn’t want to be what I was to them because it fucked everything up.”