by Mia Archer
“She told you about that?”
This Samantha girl shrugged. A fatalistic shrug that told me everything I needed to know. A shrug that made me even more infuriated with Claire than I already was. It wasn’t enough that she would try to seduce me that night and leave me so fucking confused for five years every time I looked at a girl or thought about her. No, she had to go bragging to her friends about it too. Just like a guy.
“That night was supposed to be a secret,” I said, really talking to myself more than anything but I suppose Samantha could hear every word. Not that it mattered if she already knew everything. “She wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about us, but of course she’d go and blab to her best friend about making out with another girl!”
The last bit was a whisper. Maybe this girl knew the secret, but I wasn’t about to advertise what happened to the rest of the world. The fewer people knew the better, though now I was looking at the room through a freshly renewed lens of paranoia. If Claire told this girl then who’s to say she didn’t tell someone else? Who’s to say that everyone in the room wasn’t in on the secret and laughing at me behind my back talking about how ridiculous it was that I was trying to hide my open secret from the world?
Coughing and spluttering brought my attention back to Samantha. I reached out and slapped her on the back as she seemed to be choking on her beer.
“Careful there,” I said. “You’re not supposed to inhale that stuff.”
“Sorry,” Samantha said. “Must’ve slipped.”
“I can’t believe her,” I said. “She has the gall to get mad at me when she’s telling the world.”
“Oh I wouldn’t say she’s telling the world about that night,” Samantha said. “You’d be surprised at how secretive she’s been about it. Hell, I haven’t talked to her much at all since that night. It seemed like she just disappeared after that party and showed up five years later for the reunion.”
“Well still, she doesn’t have to act like a total bitch to me.”
“Really? I mean what did you do to her? Obviously it was something that messed her up pretty good if she stopped talking to everyone,” Samantha said.
If I didn’t know any better I’d say this girl was digging for information. No, more likely she was just upset that I’d upset her friend. Apparently upset her to the point that she withdrew from life that last summer before we all went off to college and no one had heard from her since. If anything that just added to the sense of guilt and the confusing jumble of emotions that were threatening to overwhelm me.
“You know she really does like you,” Samantha said. “And it seems like you like her.”
“I’m not like that,” I said, perhaps a bit too quickly.
Samantha shrugged again. She seemed to be good at putting a whole lot of unspoken stuff into a shrug. Like this shrug told me she didn’t particularly believe me, but at the same time she wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it. It was infuriating. I wondered how Claire could stand to be friends with this girl if this is how she acted. Like she always knew what was best.
“I’m not saying you are,” Samantha said. “Just that maybe you should try to patch things up with her. Maybe all she’s really wanted after all these years is an apology?”
Yeah, that definitely sounded like a friend looking out for her friend. Even if it wasn’t a friend she’d talked to in years. I sighed as I looked at Valerie. I wish I’d had friends like that. Then I glanced over to Claire who was smiling and laughing and seemingly having a grand old time and I realized I had a friend like that once, and I’d tossed her to the side because I was afraid of what getting close to her might mean for me.
Yeah, I was feeling like a piece of shit since I came over to the bar. It probably didn’t help that I’d been drinking this strong fruity whatever-the-hell-it-was while I was talking with Samantha and I was starting to feel buzzed, but it was a guilty sad buzzed rather than a happy fun lightheaded buzz.
I wanted to get rid of that sad guilt.
“You’re right,” I said. “I should say something to her.”
“Attagirl!” Samantha said. She slapped me on the back which very nearly sent my drink flying, but I managed to save it at the last moment. “Clear the air at least. Doesn’t have to mean anything more than that.”
Only there was something about the way she said that, something about the twinkle in her eye, that had me on guard. Did she really want me going over there and apologizing to her friend because she thought it would be good for both of us, or did she have another game in mind?
I was getting too buzzed to tell. Or to even care, for that matter. No, all I cared about was that I’d felt like a piece of shit ever since I spoke with Claire. I wasn’t going to be able to end the weekend without clearing the air between us. Or trying to, at least.
“All right,” I said, taking a deep breath and letting it out in a long low sigh. “Time to go make things right with Claire.”
Make things right with Claire. That’s all I planned on doing, but I couldn’t deny that there was a small warmth running through my body at the thought of making things right. There was a not insignificant part of me that wanted to do a hell of a lot more than apologize to make up for everything I’d done.
Hell, it wasn’t just to make up for everything I’d done. I was lying to myself if I thought that was my only motivation. Only it was easier to think of things in those terms. That way I didn’t have to confront questions about myself and my sexuality that I’d been avoiding answering ever since that night with Claire had opened the floodgates of confusion.
Either way the steamy thoughts tumbling through my head weren’t happening. I viciously ignored that traitorous part of my mind. This was just an apology, and nothing more, but that warmth was still there.
Hiding.
Waiting.
Damn it.
13: Overdue Apology
"So what happened then?" I asked.
Darcy turned to Valerie and grinned. "So then she tells me she thought I brought the batteries, and all of a sudden we’re stuck high and dry in a cabin in the middle of nowhere with no assisted fun for the whole damn weekend unless we want to drive fifty miles to the nearest store!"
I slapped the table and laughed. Valerie wrinkled up her nose, apparently she didn’t approve of the conversation, particularly when it came to her own sex life being discussed, but she did giggle in the end. It didn't hurt that we’d been drinking just enough that the table was well lubricated, socially speaking.
I glanced back across the room towards the bar where Allison had been sitting on a stool talking to Samantha of all people. I don’t know why that worried me, but there was a part of me that was suddenly nervous seeing the two of them chatting even if it was probably just small talk while Allison was waiting for a drink.
Something told me that a conversation between those two could only end in tears for me. I wasn’t sure why I felt that way, but it was a certainty that had me worried.
Wondering what Allison was up to was an instinct with me tonight, no matter how much I shouldn't be pining over her. I tried to think about the circumstances under which we'd parted, the things she'd said, but it was harder for me to think of that now that I had her in front of me again. Now that I could look over and drink in her beauty in person. A beauty that, if anything, had gotten even hotter over the years even if it was a beauty that was hiding a black heart.
Only I blinked this time as I glanced at the bar. Her beauty was walking straight towards me. Her eyes were fixed on me. There was something intense about that gaze, like she was a woman on a mission. And was there a hint of something else there? For just a moment I thought I saw something resembled when a girl was obviously into me, but that had to be crazy talk considering who this was.
I glanced past Allison to Samantha who raised her glass and winked at me. As soon as I saw that it was as though there was a chill in the room. Allison walking in my direction with that determined look could mean anything
, but Allison walking in my direction and Samantha saluting me with her beer and winking?
That could mean nothing good for me. Damn it. Damn Samantha and her meddling. What had she done?
Allison came to a stop right in front of me. She looked down with an uncertain smile on her face, and I saw her glance over her shoulder to Samantha. If I knew Samantha at all, even considering I hadn’t talked to her in nearly five years, that smile meant she was meddling in my life thinking she was doing good but ultimately just being a pain in the ass.
Business as usual.
Darcy and Valerie quieted down when they saw Allison standing there looking down at me expectantly. It was obvious they were waiting for something. Hell, I was waiting for something. Waiting for some reason why she’d be back over here when I made it abundantly clear with a few not-so-thinly veiled jabs that I wasn’t interested in anything she had to say.
"Can I help you?" I asked.
I tried to keep the heat I was feeling out of my voice. Hell, I tried to keep some of the coolness I was feeling out of my voice. To say that I was a confusing jumble of emotions when it came to anything that had to do with Allison would be the understatement of the century. The understatement of the millennium. Only she was still staring down at me, showing none of the uncertainty that I was feeling with her standing so close to me.
Or if she was she was doing a very good job of hiding it. What the hell did she talk about with Samantha? I would’ve given a pretty penny to know that.
It wasn't fair that she could stand there looking so goddamn beautiful and just by virtue of being so hot be able to threaten all the barriers I'd erected over the years to keep thoughts of her out. It was unfair that knowing she might potentially be coming to the reunion was enough to make me drive a couple of states over so I could attend on the off chance that I might get to see her again.
No. That was not why I was here. Felicia and her speech about showing the flag was the reason I was here. I most definitely was not here because of Allison, damn it!
"I was wondering if we could maybe talk?" she asked.
I gestured to the table. "Plenty of room here if you want to have a seat and catch up."
"Actually I was hoping we could find someplace to talk alone?"
I immediately suspected a trap. A trap that Samantha was behind somehow. I glanced over to the bar where Samantha was still nursing a drink and avoiding looking at this table so hard that it made it pretty damn obvious something was going on. I just didn't know what.
I mean I knew what she was probably doing. She was probably trying to get us crazy kids together. My heart leapt at the thought of getting with Allison again and I viciously stomped down on that hope. It wasn’t happening, and the sooner my traitorous heart, my traitorous body, got used to that idea the better.
Still, I was intrigued and curious what was going on here. What could she possibly want to talk to me about after what happened?
For the moment I was more curious than I was pissed off.
"I guess I've got time if you do," I said.
Allison smiled and held out a hand. I blinked and looked at that offered hand in much the same way I might regard a venomous snake that just popped out of the brush to say hello and start shaking its rattle at me. The damn snake was probably less dangerous.
Sure enough as I reached out and took her hand it was as though there was electricity flowing between us. I thought she could feel it too from the way she jumped at that touch, but maybe that was just wishful thinking. Still, her mouth opened slightly and I thought I even heard a quiet gasp.
Valerie and Darcy were staring in complete silence. I could imagine what was running through their heads. Nothing I could do about that though. They were going to think what they thought. Hell, as I stood I could see other people in the room turning to look at us. I hated being the center of attention in this room of all places. I had the feeling this brief touch was going to fuel gossip or months. It brought back too many unpleasant memories.
Small town life. What can I say? There was a reason I got the hell out of here and didn't look back.
At first I thought maybe we were going to head to a quiet corner of the room where we could chat, but no. We went straight out the door and then she was leading me out of the bowling alley and around the front. It took a moment for me to realize exactly what was going on here.
"Wait a minute Allison," I said. "Are we going where I think we're going?"
Her voice was strangely neutral as the next words escaped her mouth. "What if we are? Is there something wrong with that?"
"I don't know," I said. "You're the one who would be able to tell me considering you were the one who was so worried about what everyone else thought about you."
There. It was out. The first real acknowledgment of what happened five years ago. The first time I’d actually let a little bit of my anger bubble to the surface.
Allison sighed and stopped. Turned and faced me. "Look, would it help anything if I told you I was sorry about what happened? I was young and stupid. Everything just sort of happened so fast and those feelings might have been normal for you but they were new and scary for me and then…"
"Well that must've been nice for you," I said, some heat coming to my voice even though she seemed sincere in her desire to apologize. It was too little, too late.
"I always knew what I wanted, I went through hell for two years for being who I was. It seemed like you wanted the same thing for one glorious shining moment, and then you took that and tore it away from me in the nastiest most humiliating way possible! And why? So you could avoid having a bunch of people you probably haven’t talked to since you left for college talking about you behind your back?"
I was trying to keep my voice down, but there was no mistaking the heat there. Allison flinched away from my words as though I'd actually reached out and smacked her. Seeing that was almost enough to make me feel bad about doing that to he
Almost, but not quite.
"Look, I was afraid, okay? I was feeling things I'd never felt before, and it scared me…"
I rolled my eyes. "Being with me scared you? That's a great way to make me feel better about that night. So now not only were you terrified of people finding out you got a little hot and heavy with me, but you were also scared of me? Thanks, that’s great for my ego."
Was I laying it on a little thick? Maybe. But I couldn’t help it. All of the pent up anger and frustration I’d been holding in for five years was washing over me and I didn’t like it. I needed to spew out all that hatred and bile at someone, and what better target than the girl who’d created all of it in the first place? I felt like a piece of shit for doing it, but I figured it was the least she deserved for making me into that piece of shit in the first place with what she did to me.
She’d created the monster. Now she could deal with it.
“Yeah, fat lot of good it did asking you to keep quiet anyways,” Allison muttered, some heat coming to her voice. “I ask you to do one thing and you couldn’t even keep your mouth shut for the rest of that summer! Everyone probably knows now and they’re laughing at me behind my back tonight!”
“Well maybe you deserve…” then what she was saying hit home. I blabbed that summer? What the hell was she talking about? I hadn’t told a soul. Well, I told my little sister Amy, but she sure as hell wouldn’t tell anyone. For one I trusted her completely, and besides I had so much dirt on her that letting our secrets out would result in mutually assured destruction that neither of us wanted to mess with.
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about! You told your friend Samantha all about what happened with us. She told me all about it in there at the bar!”
I blinked. What the hell was she talking about? I hadn’t told Samantha…
Shit. Suddenly it was all starting to come together. Samantha sitting there at the bar talking with Allison. Suddenly it hit me exactly why I’d been feeling s
o nervous when I saw the two of them chatting over drinks, and I realized I’d been all wrong. I’d been worried about Samantha revealing something embarrassing to Allison when what I really should have been worried about was Samantha tricking Allison into revealing something.
Damn it. And yet at the same time I couldn’t help but smile. I couldn’t help but chuckle just a little at what Samantha had just done. Meddling like she always did. Trying to push things in the right direction.
Somehow that meddling had gotten me out here alone behind the bowling alley with Allison. Away from prying eyes. I suppose for Samantha that would be a win, but I couldn’t help but feel a stab of irritation.
“Samantha pulled a fast one on you Allison,” I said.
Some of the heat drained from her eyes. For a moment there was something else there. Confusion. Good. Let her feel just a little off balance for a moment. Let her know what it felt like to have the rug pulled out from under you. I could see the wheels turning and her eyes went wide.
“That bitch!”
It probably would’ve sounded nasty if not for the tone of her voice which held more grudging respect than anything else. I smiled just a little at that. It definitely broke the tension of the moment. That was a tone of voice that came very close to how I felt whenever I was thinking about Samantha and her meddling shenanigans.
“I never told Samantha anything about that night. She had her suspicions, but I didn’t really hang out with anybody from town after that night so there wasn’t anybody to tell,” I said. “I’m pretty sure she suspected something, though, and I think that’s where you come in.”
“When she started talking to me I assumed you’d blabbed and I gave away the whole thing,” Allison breathed out in a half sigh, half frustrated growl. “That sneaky bitch! I’m going to kill her!”
Then her eyes went wide. She looked up at me and I thought it was odd that she was suddenly looking to me for comfort. Then again I suppose I was the only person out here. I was the only person other than Samantha who was aware of our situation. Who else was she going to talk to about this?
