by Mia Archer
“Do you think she’ll tell anyone?”
I sighed. Were we really going to do this again? Were we really going to continually do this dance where she almost seemed to have a real human moment with me only to pull back at the last minute because she was terrified of what everyone would think of her? I knew I wasn’t going to stick around long enough to let her have another one of those moments.
They were getting exhausting, and I had better things to do.
“Do you really care, Allison? I know I sure as hell don’t. Have fun in your closet back here.”
I turned to head back into the meeting room. I figured I’d go and yell at Samantha for her meddling just a little, good natured of course since I’d run out of shits to give about Allison and her own personal drama at this point, and then I’d head out.
I figured if I left early enough I’d be able to stop by the ancestral home to have a chat with my little sister who wasn’t so little now that she was home after her first year of college, and then back to the big city where I could go back to my regular life where I didn’t have to worry about beautiful but maddeningly terrified closet cases with an inexplicable ability to tug at my heart strings from across the years.
Yeah, that sounded really nice, only it wasn’t to be. I felt a hand grasp my arm and then I was wheeling around and trying to ignore how nice it felt to have her touching me like that. That was the second time she’d touched me since that night and it disturbed me just how much a single touch like that could drive me to distraction. I tried to jerk my arm free but she had a surprisingly strong grip.
“What do you want Allison?”
“I want to apologize, damn it! I want these thoughts to get out of my head! I want…”
She held off on that last bit as she held my gaze. I hated myself for it, but once more I found myself daring to hope. I found myself wondering what she held off on saying she wanted at the end there. I found myself desperately wishing that she wanted me even as the more rational side, the side of me that was quite happy with my life now sans Allison thank you very much, was screaming at me to cut my losses and get the hell away from this basket case.
This gorgeous, sexy, vulnerable and confused basket case.
“Allison, you can’t apologize to me with one breath and then act terrified about Samantha telling the world about what happened between us with the next breath,” I said. “Hell, if you want to stay in your closet then that’s fine. You do that. I understand. It’s a scary world and coming out can be terrifying, but I’m also not going to get involved with that crap. I’m not going to be pulled back into the closet. Do you understand?”
I was trying to sound angry, but the anger was having a hard time bubbling to the surface because Allison had started tracing her thumb up and down my bare arm. It was a subtle motion, but I was so hyper aware of everything, particularly in that spot where her hand was grasping my arm, that there wasn’t a chance I was going to miss something like that.
And I found myself being thrust back to that night. Thrust back to that moment by the bonfire when it had taken nothing more than Allison’s touch to send me over the edge. To give me one of the most intense orgasms I’d felt ever if I’m being perfectly honest. I’d been with plenty of girls since, but nothing ever came close to that first magical moment of exploration.
I’d always chalked it up to that being the first time I actually came with another girl helping me out. Only now that I was standing here with Allison staring up at me in the meager light filtering from the front of the bowling alley I was starting to think the intensity of that moment had more to do with that moment being with Allison and less to do with it being my first true time with another girl.
It felt as though fire was dancing from her fingertips.
“I’m afraid, Claire,” she said. “I’ve been running from this, trying to ignore it for five years now and…”
Allison paused. She squeezed her eyes shut and took in a deep breath that came back out in a series of shuddering gasps that made me wonder if she wasn’t having her own orgasmic moment. Then it was her whole hand moving up and down in a gentle caress that was setting my body on fire. That had me staring at her in disbelief. Disbelief that this was happening again. Disbelief that we were coming together after five years and I was thinking exactly the sort of thoughts I’d hoped wouldn’t go running through my mind when I decided to come to this reunion.
And then to my surprise she let out a growl, grabbed me by my shirt, and pulled me close. Her face was moving forward, she was filling my vision, and then our lips were pressing together and once more I was transported to that delicious past that I'd spent the past five years trying my best to forget. Only it all came rushing back to me as her lips pressed against mine. The taste of her, the smell of her, the feel of her body pressing against my own, so soft and yet so tight and firm at the same time.
I knew this was a mistake, especially considering everything that had happened, but for the moment my brain was on autopilot, my body took over with a roar of satisfaction, and I didn't give a fuck about the past or being pulled into her closet. No, all I cared about was kissing her. Was wrapping my arms around this beautiful goddess who seemed to finally be giving into a temptation she’d been doing her best to forget.
Maybe we’d both tried to do some forgetting in the past five years. Not that it did a damn bit of good for either of us. Of course I was more than happy it didn’t do a damn bit of good for either of us because fuck was this so fucking hot!
I wanted to stay in that moment with our mouths pressed together forever both because of how intense it was and because I was terrified that if I pulled away the rational part of her mind that was terrified of what kissing me meant would seize control from the lust-fueled parts of her mind that knew exactly what she wanted.
One perfect moment. After five years of anger and frustration I figured I’d take that moment and enjoy the fuck out of it. All the more so because it might just be that one moment.
Allison pulled away from the kiss, her eyes closed and her face looking absolutely beautiful, and then she looked up at me and for a wonder she smiled instead of looking terrified. "Does that tell you I'm sincere about my apology?"
I shook my head, still confused. Still unsure as to exactly what the hell was going on here.
"Maybe. Depends on whether or not you’d be willing to tell anyone else about what you just did. I was serious when I said you can do what you do, but I’m not going back in the closet with you."
Allison sighed. “I don’t know Claire. This is all so new and confusing. I just don’t know how to process it.”
I snorted at that and she shot me a warning glance. I couldn’t help myself though. She’d had five years to deal with this. She’d had five years to “process.” It’s not like these feelings were new, though I suppose the could still feel new enough if she’d kept them in the original packaging for five years, terrified to let them out.
And so I decided to back off. For the moment. To just let things go where they may. She needed time to process things? Fine. I read the online itinerary. We had a whole weekend of reunion activities where she could process to her heart’s content. Maybe if things kept going the way they were right now she’d finally figure some things out. Maybe she’d decide I was worth being true to herself.
I wasn’t going to hold my breath for that and I certainly wasn’t going to force her into anything, but a girl could dream.
It’s not like I had that much to lose by burning a weekend at the ancestral home. It was almost enough to make me sigh in frustration. Almost. Here I was being pulled into Allison’s orbit again and it was like there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I knew this would happen when I decided to come out here.
Still, considering how hot I felt after that kiss it’s not like I was being pulled into Allison’s orbit kicking and screaming. All I could think about was the way my body was reacting to her. Was feeling her against me again. Feeli
ng that kiss again, the taste of her, the feel of her body, after so many years.
I was drunk on the idea of finally being with her again even if it might only be for a weekend, on how incredible it felt, and that drunkenness was maybe putting me in a more forgiving mood than I had been earlier this evening. I was claiming her for my own, even if it was temporarily. Even if she did decide to disavow all knowledge of that kiss at the end of the weekend.
I could give her that weekend though. See what happened. I told myself I was doing it for her, but deep down I knew I was doing it for me too.
Allison moved a strand of hair away from her face and looked down, suddenly hesitant. “So I was thinking…”
“Hm?”
She looked up and she was staring at me with an intensity that surprised me. That intrigued me. That sent a rush of excitement raging through me.
“The back of the bowling alley really isn’t the best place to talk. What would you think about continuing this at my parents’ house? They’re down in Florida anyways.”
Yeah, that warm feeling was only getting warmer. It seemed that letting her off the hook for the moment was going to lead to some interesting things. Maybe. It could also be that she just wanted to talk in a spot that wasn’t muggy with the ever present danger of biting insects turning us into dinner.
“Yeah, that sounds fun.”’
So we made our way to the parking lot. I figured I could kill Samantha for her meddling later. If this all came crashing down around me. The jury was definitely still out on that, but I couldn’t help but be captivated by the sight of Allison walking in front of me.
If it did come crashing down then at least I was going into it with both eyes open this time, and it looked to be one hell of a ride.
It wasn’t until I got to my car that I realized she’d conveniently sidestepped my question about whether or not she’d be willing to tell anyone about what we just did. So much for her “sincere apology,” but I figured the night was still young.
14: To the Lake House
What the hell was I doing? How the hell had I gone from worrying about everyone finding out about my secret past with Claire to kissing her and then inviting her out to my parents’ house to “talk some more?”
I think we both knew what it meant to talk some more. At least I figured it would be blindingly obvious to her. Presumably she had some experience dating women, though now that I thought about it I didn’t know all that much about her dating history.
All I knew was it was unfair how the simple act of touching her arm could set me on fire and ignite feelings deep inside me that were nothing like what I’d ever felt with another guy. It was unfair how I completely lost control when I was around her.
I stared at the signs going past. At the fields that lined the road leading out to the lake. At all the familiar sights I’d seen time and again making the drive into town to go to school.
Usually there was something comforting about those sights. It was comforting knowing that no matter how much I changed, no matter what happened while I was off at school, home was still waiting for me and home was the same as it had always been.
I looked in the rear view mirror. Two points of light following at a safe distance. Claire was back there, and I wasn’t sure whether knowing she was back there following me was more of a turn on or terrifying. I felt that same warmth I’d felt when I was kissing her running through me when I thought of her following me out to the house, but at the same time deep down there was still that worry.
More than anything I was relieved that I’d decided to leave Kyle at home where he could enjoy his video games. He was definitely the last sort of complication I needed on a night like tonight.
I was holding the steering wheel in a white-knuckled grip and I forced myself to calm down. I forced myself to try and relax. I thought about everything that had happened tonight, how I’d gone from thinking Claire hated me to more or less making out with her out behind the bowling alley where nobody could see.
Where nobody could see. That had been just fine with me, but that seemed to be a major sticking point with Claire. It seemed to upset her every time I mentioned not telling anyone about what was happening between the two of us. She’d been pretty explicit with that whole “not going back in the closet” speech that had stung like a slap to my face.
Though I guess I could sort of understand where she was coming from. She’d been so brave when we were in school. She’d come out and she didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought of her. More importantly she’d had to put up with a lot of shit because of coming out. Because our small town wasn’t ready for that sort of thing.
Sure you heard about people coming out after they went off to college, but that was nice and safe. Townsfolk could say that was just the outside world influencing people in the wrong way and call it a day. I knew people said that sort of thing because I’d overheard it myself. It was amazing what seemingly sweet little old ladies at church would say about kids who’d moved away.
Most of them never came back either, and I was starting to see why this place wouldn’t hold any appeal.
Of course that also had me thinking. Was this place really home for me? Was I really as safe and secure as I felt when I came back here? Was it really home if the only reason the little old ladies at church with their wagging tongues weren’t talking about me was because I’d chosen to live a lie for the past five years?
Was I even living a lie? I looked back to the headlights for Claire’s car again. She certainly seemed to think I was living a lie. She seemed to think I was some sad closet case who should be pitied more than anything.
I thought about my relationship with Derek. I thought about the lack of passion there. I thought about the string of guys I’d dated that never really went anywhere in college because of the same lack of passion. I thought about Kyle and how it annoyed me more than anything when he wanted to start getting hot and heavy. How there were times I felt like I was getting intimate with him more out of a sense of obligation than anything else.
And I thought about Claire. I thought about that kiss we’d shared behind the bowling alley. I thought about that moment of passion in one of the lounge chairs by the beach down in front of my house so long ago. A house we were returning to now.
Was I going to feel that passion, that heat, again? Did I want to? I suppose in a way it was just an experiment. Just a way of seeing if I really was into girls or if I was just not all that interested in sex.
Either way the answer would be mildly terrifying. Not to mention that after years of running from other women, after the sparks that flew between me and Claire tonight, I had a pretty good idea of what that answer was going to be.
I turned onto the road leading out to the lake. A road I’d taken so many times before, but I’d never been shivering with anticipation when I made that turn before. Not even when Derek was taking me back home after our first date and I was pretty sure he was going to try and find a spot to make out with me somewhere along the way.
I was right. He had. It hadn’t been very good, unless your idea of a good kiss was having someone slobber all over your lips. That definitely wasn’t my idea of a good time.
No, this was a completely different experience. I was ready for something to happen. I felt my body twitching and jerking and it was everything I could do to keep control of the car as I went down the now familiar path to the lake. The lake where I’d been on less than satisfying dates with Derek. The lake where they were planning on having one hellacious party tomorrow for old times’ sake.
The lake where I’d had that forbidden experience with Claire. Where it looked like I might be having another forbidden experience if things went where I thought they were going.
Claire was going to expect things when we were at my house. There was no way she couldn’t. Not after the hints I’d dropped. Did I want something to happen? We were out in the middle of nowhere. We were the only two people who would be at my house. My parents were s
afely out of the state and so we could “experiment” to our hearts content and no one would ever know.
I sighed. Here I was going back to worrying more about whether or not people would discover my secret than I was worried about how I truly felt. How Claire felt. What was wrong with me? Was Claire right to be so pissed off?
How would I feel if I was in the reverse situation? If it was a guy who was ashamed to be with me, since that was more in line with what I was used to never mind what my body was telling me. I suppose I’d feel like shit and think that whoever did that to me was a first rate piece of shit.
And yet there was that terror that gripped me almost as strongly as lust seemed to grip me when I thought about what might happen. When I thought about what that might mean for me, about me. When I thought of how everyone would react when they found out, even if it was a bunch of people I hadn’t talked to in so very long.
For a moment I considered just going ahead and being the asshole. I considered calling everything off. Sending Claire back into town or maybe back to the city where she could tell all her friends about the crazy bitch from back home who’d thrown her aside on two occasions now.
I didn’t do it. For one I didn’t have her phone number. Sure I knew her home phone, I suppose I could call and wake somebody up and ask them for Claire’s cell and then call her that way, but that was likely to raise more questions than if I just turned Claire away when we got to my house.
I also knew once we got to the house, once I was standing in front of Claire again, that there wasn’t a chance I’d be turning her away. Not because I didn’t want a confrontation, though that probably entered into it just a little, but mostly because of what happened to me when I was with Claire.
I knew what was going to happen. I could see the future stretching out in front of me with a certainty that almost made me think I was having visions. I’d get out of my car at my place, look at her, and immediately I’d be lost. I wouldn’t be able to turn her away.
