Begin Again (Bound To You Book 1)

by Jane Henry

  "Geez, Mer, you must be starving," Robbie said, as he grabbed a bottle of beer from the six pack he'd brought along with the pizza. He took his keys out of his pocket and used an attached bottle opener to pry open the lid.

  "You want one?" he asked Paolo, offering him a bottle. Paolo shook his head. His current medication prohibited any alcohol. Robbie offered one to Meredith, and she shook her head no.

  What about alcohol? If I had a Dom, would he have restrictions as to what I could and couldn't drink? How much?

  She polished off her pizza, as her mind continue to roam.

  Would he punish me if I drank and drove?

  She felt heat suffuse her core. She tore off another bite of pizza with her teeth and swallowed it down. She chided herself. She never drank and drove. What kind of games was her mind playing on her?

  This has got to stop, she thought. I'm going out of my damn mind.

  Her phone buzzed in her pocket. She took it out and glanced at the screen. It was an email notification. She could read the subject line from the lock screen, and as she did, her heart gave a great leap.

  Membership approved.

  Chapter Three

  For what was perhaps the first time ever, Meredith welcomed Paolo's habitual descent into solitude. Solitude was something she wanted for herself tonight as she couldn't wait to get online and peruse the forums. She had so many questions and so few answers.

  Were there people who would know she was there? But how could they? If she chose an anonymous name, and didn't tell anyone where she lived, how would they ever know her true identity? She had no idea how these things worked. She did know that there were regular news reports of internet stalking, and worse, but didn't those people tell people their names and where they lived? She wouldn't be stupid. No, she'd have to be careful not to share too much information.

  As she heard the television turn on and the familiar voice of an announcer, Meredith went into the den to get the laptop. Paolo was just sitting down to watch a soccer match, and she knew that would last a few hours. Since he'd been out on disability, he didn't have to go to work the next day, so it was likely he'd stay planted in his chair in the den until the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes he wouldn't even come to bed anymore; spending the entire evening in his chair, dozing on and off. Though normally it angered her—or worse, hurt her, that he would spend the evening ignoring her, she figured it was just as well this evening. She just wanted some time; some time to be alone and familiarize herself with 'Loving Servitude'.

  He didn't even turn around when she picked up the laptop, tucked it surreptitiously under her arm, and brought it out of the room. She felt like a child who'd just slipped a candy bar in her pocket in an attempt to shoplift. She imagined the conversation she'd have with Paolo.

  "Where you going, Mer?"

  "Oh, just going to spend some time on an internet forum, getting to know real live dominants and submissives, and talk about things like spanking and collars and cages."

  Aware of the nervous excitement pulsating through her and not wanting to attract attention to herself, she fought back a giggle. Making her way past the kitchen, through the dining room and down the hallway to their bedroom, she shut the door behind her and climbed into bed with her laptop. With trembling fingers, she opened up a new browser. In the background, she pulled up her favorite cooking website. She'd hear if Paolo was coming, the telltale sound of his wheels in the hall telling her he was coming before he arrived. But still, she wanted to be able to have an alibi.

  She entered her name and password. The screen lit up, as she logged on. Her eyes widened, taking in what lay before her. She was glad she'd have several hours to spend here. She'd need it.

  Large, bold headings lined the left side of the page; so many, she felt overwhelmed.

  Introductions: Welcome! Tell us about yourself!

  Starting Out: Where to begin?

  Rules and Consequences

  Fiction Discussions

  Personal Ads

  She realized most of the categories were broken up into two main sections, divided by capital letters and bold print.

  HOW

  WHY

  How and why what? She continued to read. The categories under the 'how' section all had to do with practicalities. She read through BDSM sections, advice on beginning a D/S relationship, and her heartbeat quickened when she noticed an entire section dedicated to spanking. Though the specific details of things like that excited her—and she promised herself she'd spend a good deal of time there later—it was the 'why' that caught her attention. She spent far more time perusing that section. Under the 'why' category were discussions with titles like Why do I crave submission?

  Why should I allow myself to be punished?

  Why indeed?

  Did she crave submission? She wasn't sure. She hadn't really given it much thought. She knew she had a primal, uncontrollable surge of arousal with the thought of being spanked. But even then, she wondered if it was something that would be far better in fantasy than reality. Her whole life she'd been told she was strong, and capable, and independent, and the thought of obeying the authority of another frankly confused her. But a mere glance at the forum here showed that there was far more to it than she'd thought.

  And the list went on. She hardly knew where to begin. She figured she'd begin with the question that first brought her here, the link with the discussion of the caging in the novel she was reading. After some searching around, she found it, eyes widening at the number of threads that contained the words 'caging'. She finally had to narrow it down to 'Caging, Tanner, Sylvia'.

  I hated the caging scene! It was so wrong, so bad!

  She clicked on the title. Post after post after post, hundreds of comments, she couldn't even differentiate from one user to the next as she immersed herself in reading the discussion.

  I tried to be open-minded about this. I really did! But when I came across this scene out of nowhere in the book, I was horrified! So I googled, and that made me even more horrified!

  Well, at least she wasn't alone.

  What is it that horrified you? I think caging is sexy.

  Sexy? No. No, no, no! What horrified me was that someone would subject themselves to such depravity! I can hardly even believe you find it SEXY.

  Careful now. This is a nonjudgmental forum. One person's depravity is another person's kink.

  Meredith giggled. She glanced at the username who'd made the last comment. It was the moderator, Ms. Fire and Ice. Meredith raised her eyebrows as she read the brief description of the person's profile. Female. Domme. Partner: Undisclosed.

  Very interesting. She hadn't yet considered the fact that women could be dominants as well. God, she had a lot to learn. As she continued to read the discussion, she noticed the next comment was written by someone named 'Master Winston'. She continued to read the discussion.

  Here at LS, we encourage an open mind. Please try not to form prejudices about caging. Although Little Lady and I do not engage in caging, we have good friends, in a consensual, happy, monogamous relationship, who do. For some submissives, the desire to be caged is an almost overwhelming craving, similar to those who desire collaring or kneeling. It is an outward display of trust that, like many other acts within the power exchange, can bring freedom and quiet to the mind of a submissive. There is ultimate trust. A good dominant seeks to meet the submissive desires of his submissive.

  Meredith paused. Well, now. This wasn't some kinda freak. This guy sounded articulate, educated, and kind even. Meredith read the response again, and when she was done, she went back and read it a third time, not sure what about the response intrigued her. Why did 'Little Lady' ring a bell? She glanced to the left. Master Winston, the man who'd made this comment... Ah, yes. The Moderator Dom. This was someone who knew what he was talking about, and could articulately explain his perspective.

  Although Meredith had no desire to ever subject herself to the level of servitude caging would require,
she felt her initial horror at the idea begin to dissipate. Something stirred in her, but she wasn't sure what. Clicking back on the main screen, she noticed links to current popular discussions at the top of the page. One immediately caught her attention.

  How D/S Saved Our Marriage.

  She closed her eyes, trying to quell the shaking in her hands, and the lump in her throat. It was so close to home, so personal.

  Never did she imagine she would have a marriage that needed saving. She hesitated as she looked at the screen. But she couldn't not read it. She clicked on the link to the discussion.

  Again, page after page of comments filled the screen. She looked at the person who'd begun the discussion, and when she saw the name, her eyes widened.

  Little Lady

  Oh, gosh. So Master Winston and Little Lady were married? She didn't even know them. But something drew her to them, and she was taken in by the conversation in front of her. Most members were asking questions.

  How did you start? How long have you been doing this? But others were relating, inserting their own desires and struggles into the conversation. How I wish my husband would do this with me, and Our marriage needs saving.

  Meredith paused, and looked away from her computer. She couldn't imagine what would happen if she ever brought this to Paolo. She laughed mirthlessly to herself. No way in hell. She was so afraid of the distance between them already. How could she ever broach a subject that had the potential of driving them even further apart? Not a snowball's chance in hell. Shaking her head, she went back to the conversation. A comment made by Master Winston caught her attention.

  We'd grown apart. We'd begun living two separate lives. When Little Lady made plans to vacation with friends, and didn't even consult me about it, I knew things had to change, but I had no idea where to begin.

  Shit. Vacationing without her husband sounded miserable. But Meredith thought of the many meals she'd eaten alone in the dining room. She thought of the times she'd gone to sleep alone, so often now, it had become the norm. She thought of the other night, when she'd brought herself to climax under the privacy of her covers, and her cheeks burned with the memory.

  Were she and Paolo destined to be driven further apart? Would she be looking to vacation without him? A year ago, she couldn't imagine even eating a meal without him. And now…

  She looked back at the screen, and scanned down the page to another comment made by Little Lady.

  It isn't very difficult to understand why a dynamic like this may cause couples to become closer. It's based on trust. The submissive allows herself to become vulnerable and transparent. In many cases, she embraces what is inherently part of who she is, the trusting part of her that longs to be protected and cared for. For a dominant to earn that trust, he must cherish her. When two people who've grown apart learn to focus on the needs of another, things begin to change.

  And below it, Master Winston's reply.

  Beautifully stated, Little Lady. I couldn't agree more. When two people who love each other take the focus off of their own needs, and focus instead on the needs of the other, a continental shift takes place. A submissive places her trust in the hands of her dominant. Here, she says. I am yours. Take me. And whether he knows it or not, the dominant is given an enormous responsibility. By her servitude—the efforts she makes at pleasing him—she stirs within the dominant the instinctive desire to protect. Yes, she will do whatever it is he asks of her. But in turn, he's given the task of leadership. As it is often said, "Where there is submission, there is freedom. Where there is dominance, there is responsibility. In both, there is love."

  The screen blurred in front of Meredith as tears welled in her eyes. Surprised at her own reaction, she closed her eyes, willing her emotions to calm. Why did this move her so deeply? What was it about these two anonymous people she didn't know from Adam, who caused a desperate longing in her to surface? What was happening to her? She felt scared.

  But most of all, she felt so alone.

  To the left of the screen, a flash caught her attention. It wasn't a staid comment, like the one she was reading, but moving, one comment after another. Curious, she looked more closely to the box in the upper left hand corner. Live chat.

  Her pulse quickened. Oh, wow. Not only were these people real, they were... there. Now. Chatting. She could see the names pop up as the discussion continued, though it was just a small window with nothing more than a glance into the discussion.

  Master Winston

  She blinked. He was there. Was his submissive, or... she cringed... slave there? She glanced up again.

  Little Lady

  She wanted to see. She had to see. This wasn't fiction on a screen, but real. What were they talking about? She couldn't tell by the abbreviated, rapid comments that popped up in the small box. Who else was there? Were there other couples? And then a thought crossed her mind.

  Were there single doms there?

  Immediately ashamed of herself, she shook her head. What the hell was she playing at? She wasn't going to cheat on Paolo. She wasn't single. Hell, she didn't even know if she wanted to be submissive. Maybe she'd even suck at submitting. And what if these people said they were real, but weren't? Surely, people just played at it, for fun. Surely, it wasn't all or nothing. She paused, listening for Paolo. She couldn't hear the television from here. She was too far away, with the door shut, to hear anything. She glanced at the clock. He wouldn't come to bed for hours. Meredith inhaled, then slowly exhaled. She pointed her mouse on the Live Chat icon. She clicked 'enter'.

  ***

  Meredith had never been in a chat room before. She had a vague idea they existed, but was never interested in discussing things with people she hardly knew. How did this work?

  Before she could enter, there was a brief log-in screen.

  Name

  She typed in Bonita.

  At the bottom of the screen, similar to the application she'd filled out, was a box that popped up.

  When you enter our chatroom, please be aware of basic rules. Rules in the forum also apply to our chat room. No flames or rudeness, and respect must be given to moderators. No one is allowed to private message a member unless given permission in the public chat first. Please treat one another with the kindness you wish extended to you. Enjoy.

  Easy enough. Hell, she kinda liked these people already. They seemed decent enough. She clicked enter.

  It was immediately evident that she'd entered the middle of a discussion, and she had no idea where to start. There were only four other people in the current chat: Little Lady, Master Winston, Rowdy, and CollarMePlease. She saw her own name pop up, and felt immediately self-conscious.

  Master Winston: Rowdy, we've already been over this several times now. It isn't fair to say that it's all about spanking. That's like saying a meal is all about sustenance. If so, why not just use a feeding tube? There's far more to it than that.

  Little Lady: I agree, sir.

  Meredith's eyebrows shot up. Sir? Huh.

  Rowdy: Hey, we have a newbie here. Bonita. Are you a chick or a dick?

  CollarMePlease: For crying out loud, Rowdy, will you shut up already? Welcome, Bonita. Please ignore Sir Asshole. The rest of us do.

  Rowdy: Winston, you gonna let her talk to me this way? The girl's lucky she isn't mine. I'd whip her ass for this shit.

  CollarMePlease: I don't have a dominant bone in my body, but dude, I swear to God if you even tried it, I'd turn that around so fast on you it wouldn't be funny.

  Master Winston: Enough. Both of you. Now.

  Meredith squirmed in her seat. What the hell? Maybe it had been a mistake entering the chatroom. Was it too late to leave? Maybe it would be rude of her to just leave like that. Her mouse hovered over the 'x' on the top of the screen, but before she could exit, another message popped up.

  Little Lady: Welcome, Bonita. Please excuse the argument in here. I promise, it isn't always like this. Is this your first time here?

  Meredith paused. She w
as being addressed. She figured it was her time to respond.

  Yes.

  Master Winston: Welcome, Bonita. Please tell us a little bit about yourself. I'll begin. I'm Winston, Dom to Little Lady here, married twenty-nine years, D/S for nine. Little Lady is my submissive. And you?

  Meredith typed quickly. My name is Mer—

  Shit. She'd almost typed her real name. She quickly edited. My name is Bonita. Married twenty years. I am not in a D/S relationship.

  Rowdy: You wanna be?

  Not with you, asshole. She swallowed.

  I'm not sure.

  CollarMePlease: Nice to meet you, Bonita. I hope you like it here.

  Meredith smiled. Thank you. Please forgive me if I do more 'listening' than 'speaking'.

  Master Winston: Understandable, Bonita. We were discussing the nuances of a D/S dynamic. Some people have the misguided notion that it's all about spanking, and we were discussing why some of us believe that not to be true.

  Meredith swallowed. She felt a thrill run through her at the word spanking. Shit, there it was again, the heart pounding, stomach twisting, labored breathing. Likely oblivious of the turmoil he'd caused within her, he continued.

  Master Winston: Although yes, spanking is often in integral part of a D/S dynamic, many of us believe it is only one of the many tools a couple has to fuel their dynamic.

  Meredith nodded. Yeah, she could see that.

  Very interesting. I think I'd agree with you, Master Winston, but I'm very new to this and I'm still taking it all in. Do all people who do this... she paused, cheeks flushed, as she continued to write, aware of the fact that even the casual discussion aroused her... spank?

  Master Winston: Most do, but not all. Dynamics are as different as people are. Please, take your time getting accustomed to all of this. There's no need to rush. There's much to process, and it's wise to take your time doing so.