Always Our Love

by Tawdra Kandle

  I choked back what I wanted to say, which was that no guy was that oblivious. If he knew that Jenna was crushing on him and didn’t do anything to gently let her know the truth, he was guilty of avoidance, at the very least.

  “I’d decided that Trent was waiting for me to be twenty-one. So the night of my birthday, my friend Lucie and I went to the Road Block. I was so focused on getting Trent to notice me, to see me for the grown-up I thought I was, that I was horrible to Lucie. She was the only one who knew how I felt about Trent, and she was trying to tell me the truth, to get me to see what was real, but I didn’t want to listen, and she ended up walking out.” Jenna played with a loose thread on the chair’s nylon webbing, wrapping it around her finger. “I haven’t talked to her since that night. I figured I’d see her the next day and apologize, but then, uh, it didn’t happen. By the time I was in a place where I was capable of being her friend again, she’d moved to Savannah.” She inhaled deeply. “Anyway, once Lucie was gone, that left everything open for me to go after Trent and I did. I threw myself at him.”

  My heart broke for the humiliation I heard in her voice. I wanted to reach up and take her hand, but I sensed she didn’t want what she would see as my pity.

  “He kept putting me off, but I was persistent. And I was drinking. He didn’t know it, but I was downing a lot of alcohol.” She slid her eyes to me. “When I said earlier that I don’t drink much, I wasn’t lying. It’s mostly because of what happened that night. I never want to lose control like that again.”

  I nodded. “I can understand the feeling.”

  “The long and short of it is that Trent took me back to the room he was renting, and we . . . uh, we slept together. I had never—” She closed her eyes. “It was my first time. He didn’t know that. He didn’t even know it after. He let me sleep there that night, but then he told me in the morning that I’d better go home. There weren’t any declarations of love. No early-morning cuddles. It wasn’t what I’d pictured. Instead it was cold and shameful and . . . cheap. I left that room feeling like the worst kind of slut.”

  I couldn’t stop myself from laying a hand on her arm. She glanced down at where I touched her, but she didn’t move away.

  “I didn’t tell anyone what had happened, and after a little recovery, I decided Trent just didn’t know how I felt. He thought I’d just been using him, the way all the women in town did. So there was a party I knew about, three days after we’d hooked up, and I’d heard Trent was going to be there. It was back at the Road Block, and I showed up and went right for Trent. I acted like we were together. Pulled up a chair next to his, hung all over him . . . I think I probably embarrassed the hell out of him. He tried to make a joke out of it, shake me off him, but I wasn’t letting go. He finally took me aside and said I needed to cool it. When I still didn’t get the message, he got louder and, um, clearer. He told me that I was a one-night stand, and that he’d only slept with me because he felt sorry for me, after I’d made such a big deal about coming onto him. A pity fuck, he called it, and then he said, ‘And honey, you weren’t good enough for me to give you a second ride.’”

  “God, Jenna, where is this guy now? Why the hell didn’t your father beat him? If you were my daughter—” I shook my head. “He wouldn’t have the equipment left to do what he did to you to any other woman.”

  She attempted a smile. “Oh, well, when it eventually came out, my dad went after him. If it wasn’t for Mason and Sam, my dad might’ve done something terrible. At least, that’s what I heard. I wasn’t there. By that time, I was, um, away.” She twisted the hem of her shorts between two fingers. “I had kind of a breakdown, and that’s when it all came out. The whole town was talking about it, about me, and Trent ended up leaving, probably to keep away from my dad as much as anything else.” She paused for a few beats. “He came back last year, and being the coward I am, I left town and went to stay with my grandmother in Charleston. But I heard he’d gotten married and was turning his life around. I’m glad for him. Really, I am. Trent wasn’t the bad guy in this situation.”

  “That’s a matter of opinion.” I hoped my tone made it clear exactly what my thoughts on the subject were. “And you’re not a coward, Jenna. But where does Nick come into this?”

  She groaned. “Oh, that part’s just embarrassing. After Trent left town and I started to recover a little, Uncle Larry hired Nick. He’d just moved to Burton. We met at Uncle Larry’s house, and he asked me out. At that point, I was still so numb . . . I said yes mostly because saying no was too much effort. And somehow I ended up sort of dating him. I fell into it, without any real decision. I never felt anything for him. I guess someone had told him what had happened to me, because he never pushed me. Didn’t try to kiss me, at least not at first, and he probably thought he was giving me space. But it was like a weird, bizarro-world version of what had happened between Trent and me, reversed, except I never slept with Nick. He was sure we were going to end up together, though. Positive that we were meant to be. When I broke things off, for good, he got real mad. Not just at me, either. I heard he went off on Trent one day at the Road Block, when Trent was back in town.”

  I hmphed. “You know, I don’t think I like Nick very much, but I can give him some props for going up against Trent.”

  “Oh, Linc.” She sighed again, and her head drooped back against her chair. One hand fluttered over to cover mine where it still rested on her arm. “I appreciate that you’re standing up for me, but honestly, I had to let go of any resentment I had toward Trent. I was in therapy for a very long time, and that’s the most important thing I took away. I had to see where I’d created this situation for myself. I had to take responsibility.”

  “That I understand. It’s part of the twelve-step program I’m in. I couldn’t blame Sylvia for driving when she was too tired—that isn’t what made me drink. It was just an excuse. All the people in my life wanted to give me an out, an excuse, but I couldn’t keep doing that if I wanted to recover. And I did.”

  “Exactly.” Jenna nodded. “My dad and mom want to blame Trent. My therapist—well, I saw several, but my favorite one—she said that I didn’t have to blame myself, but I had to accept responsibility. There’s a difference. Blame is a negative action, while responsibility gives you power over a situation. It gives you a choice. It’s easy to say things happen to me, but I’d rather think I can make things happen.”

  There was an assurance and confidence in Jenna as she spoke that blew my mind. I wondered if her family had heard what I did—that Jenna had not only recovered from what had happened with Trent, she had risen above it and used it to become a better person.

  “It seems like you’re in a place to move on. Is your family, um, supportive of that? I got the sense today that there’s still some tension.”

  She lolled her head to the side and opened her eyes. “They would say, yes, that they’ve been nothing but supportive. And in one way, that’s true. But they all still see me as Jenna Before. Somewhere deep inside, my parents, at least, feel like I let them down. I made bad choices, I screwed up, and for the rest of my life, I know they’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter what I do right, it’s like they’re always waiting for it to go wrong, for them to have to scoop up the pieces again and put me back together.”

  “Does all this have anything to do with what was going on with your mom earlier? When she first got here? She seemed a little . . . upset. Not that she hasn’t been great to me all day,” I hastened to add. “She and your dad are both awesome. They’ve been real friendly and welcoming. But at first, your mother wasn’t happy. That was clear.”

  A faint pink stained Jenna’s face. “That was a complicated situation, but let me just assure you, it had nothing to do with you. It all went back to my mother assuming that if there’s a bad choice to make, I’m going to make it. I’m sorry you got caught in the crossfire.”

  “Hey, no worries. I wasn’t upset.” I was caught by her hazel eyes, large and lumin
ous, watching me. “I’ve got thick skin. But have you talked to your parents? Your sisters? Maybe thought about some family counseling?”

  She bit the edge of her lip and shook her head. “No. I try not to rock the boat. I just stay in the status quo, and I do what I can to keep them happy. Dinners at home once a week. Answering phone calls and texts. Just maintaining, you know?”

  “I do know. I lived in maintaining town for a few years, after I stopped drinking and got my job back, started working regularly.”

  “But you’re not there anymore?”

  I laughed softly. “Not really. After a while, it gets boring. You get restless, or at least I did. And someone comes along to make you want to move out and on. To start living again, not just keep treading water.”

  Jenna quirked an eyebrow at me. “That sounds very much like something my therapist used to say to me all the time. ‘What’s life without risk?’” And I always said that life without risk is safer and steadier. More predictable.”

  “Uh huh, and what did the esteemed doctor have to say about that?”

  She grinned, and my heart stuttered as something so real and light glimmered in her eyes, maybe for the very first time since I’d known her.

  “She’d say it was okay to feel that way until someone comes along who’s going to make me want to be brave again.”

  “Yup,” I whispered. “That’s it exactly.”

  “Who was it for you?” Jenna spoke low, too, and neither of us looked away from the other. “Who made you brave?”

  I exhaled long. “Basically, my kids. They’d been there all along, but Ryland kicked my ass into gear. He told me I couldn’t just leave them with Sylvia’s parents forever. That’s what Hank and Doris—those were my in-laws—that’s what they wanted, really, I think. Syl had been their only child, and Becca and Ollie are their only grandchildren, of course. They wanted the kids to replace who they’d lost. But Ry convinced me I needed to take them back and make a life for the three of us. He’d been bugging me for a long time to take the partnership, and once I finally gave in, it opened the door for us to base Kent and Turner here. All of that pushed me into living again. I’m not treading water anymore.”

  “Hmm.”

  I wasn’t sure if she was aware of it or not, but Jenna’s fingers had begun stroking the back of my hand. It sent shivers up my spine and reminded other parts of my body that I wasn’t dead yet. I shifted, moving a little closer, so that my face was near hers.

  “Do you think maybe you’re ready to move out of maintaining and into real life, Jenna? Are you ready to be brave?”

  She swallowed, and I could see the rise and fall of her throat. “I don’t know. Maybe. I want to . . . try. I think.”

  “Let us be part of that, the kids and me.” I took a risk and repeated my move from earlier, turning my hand and capturing her fingers. She froze, but she didn’t pull away from me. “We can help you start moving on. Let us into your life. Open that door.” I paused for a breath, as something occurred to me. “It would be good for Becca, too. She’s stuck in her own form of limbo, where she feels like if she can keep everyone safe, life is controllable. I’d like her to realize it’s okay to start being brave again.”

  “What does that mean? Letting you into my life. You mean . . . we’d be friends?”

  I wanted to laugh at that. Yeah, friends was a start, but it wasn’t where I wanted to end. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for anything else. I hadn’t been looking for anything else. But the idea of possibility, with this woman, kind of intrigued me.

  “Sure. Beyond just work friends. I want you to step out of your safety zone, and we’ll help you do it.”

  “How far out of my safety zone?” She frowned, suspicious.

  “Let’s say coming over for dinner. Hanging out with us. Inviting us to your place. Having a social life and interaction beyond and outside of your family.”

  Jenna was thinking about it, I could tell. Uncertainty and eagerness battled behind her eyes. I waited to see which would win.

  “Okay.” She nodded. “I can’t promise anything, but I’ll give it a shot. It won’t be easy. I’ve been shutting people out for a long time.”

  “I know. But this is good, Jenna. For all of us. And we’ll move slow, as slow as you need.”

  “All right.” Her fingers curled around my hand, holding tight. “Thank you, Linc. Thank you for listening. Thanks for not making me feel like an idiot.”

  I fought the urge to lift her hand to my lips. Baby steps.

  “Any time, sugar.”

  Above our heads, there was a sudden explosion, and color filled the black sky. I moved a little so that my back was against the side of Jenna’s chair and leaned, looking up. She was close to me, our hands were linked, and although I hadn’t yet dared to take the time to figure out what the hell I was doing here, there was no place else I wanted to be.

  THE DAY AFTER INDEPENDENCE DAY was a workday. I was scheduled to make my regular visit to the Oak Grove work site before I went to the office, and to my annoyance, I was nervous. Again. After weeks of being at ease with Linc and all the crew, today I was shaky with nerves. I knew it was because of the conversation I’d had with Linc the night before; I’d spilled nearly all my deep, dark secrets, and facing him after that made my stomach roll.

  Linc had been wonderful, supportive and so sweet. He hadn’t treated me like a moron or assumed that I had to be handled carefully, but I was worried about how he’d be after a night to think it over. Was he going to regret his offer to help pull me back into real life? Part of me hoped he did, and just left me alone. Another part, growing increasingly louder, wanted him to carry through.

  I arrived at Oak Grove a few minutes later than I normally did. Linc’s truck was in its usual spot, along the tree line, and as I climbed out of the car, I heard him whistling. Taking a deep breath, I made myself walk across the gravel and up the porch steps.

  Linc must have heard my footsteps. He stuck his head out the front door opening—they’d removed the actual door for safety’s sake while the bulk of the interior work was happening—and grinned at me.

  “Hey, sugar. Mornin’. Ready for your tour?”

  It was the same way he greeted me every day, and I began to relax a little. I’d gotten used to his teasing endearments; although I could tell he tried to rein himself in, he often peppered his speech to me with darlin’s, honeys, and sugars. I’d learned not to take offense, because I knew it didn’t mean that he took me any less seriously. In fact, I’d been impressed by the level of respect with which all of Linc’s crew treated me. There was no derision or sarcasm if I asked a dumb question, and they were patient with me, answering in careful detail.

  “Sure. Feels funny, having missed a day.” I stepped through and smiled, as I always did. Seeing this plantation come back to life was the highlight of every day.

  “Nothing was done yesterday, so you didn’t miss a thing. But they did put in the chair rail in the dining room on Tuesday after you’d been here, and the baseboards are up in the parlor. The plumber’s nearly finished upstairs, and the electrician is going to come by early next week for his walk-through. He should be starting next month, I think.”

  “This is amazing.” I ran my fingers over the smooth wood. “I can’t wait to see it painted. I know that’s a long time coming.” I tossed Linc an apologetic glance. “I’m just saying . . . eventually.”

  “Yeah, I hear that. One step at a time, darlin’. These rooms that don’t need plumbing can have some of the cosmetic stuff set up early, so it gets us thinking we’re nearer to the end. But we still got a long way to go.”

  “True. Oh, the security company called on Tuesday. They want to come out and look at everything before they give us an estimate. Do you think we should have them here the same time the electrician comes? I know a lot of what they do will be in conjunction with how the boxes are set up.”

  “Not a bad idea. I’ll let you know the exact time the electrician’s coming, an
d you can set it up. Now, come here. I have a little surprise for you.”

  I tilted my head as I followed Linc back into the front hallway. “What kind of surprise? I’m not a big surprise kind of girl. I like safety and predictability, remember?”

  “I know that, sugar. Don’t worry, this is a good one.” He stopped at the foot of the stairs. “Remember the railing that was up here before? The one we had to remove because of the rotting?”

  “Yes.” I sighed. “Don’t remind me. It broke my heart to have to take that down.”

  “Well, prepare to have your heart unbroken.” Linc leaned down and picked up a piece of paper that was lying on one of the steps. “Check this out.”

  On the paper was a sketch—a rough one, yes, but I could tell what it was meant to be. “Oh! Linc! That’s the banister. Who did it? What does it mean?”

  He stuck his thumbs in the belt loops of his jeans. “I took a picture before we tore it out, and I sent it to one of my friends back in Crystal Cove, along with the description from your research. Cooper’s a master carpenter, and he does all kinds of custom pieces for our restorations. He did this sketch, and if you approve it, we’ll go ahead and commission him to do the work. He said he’d even come up here and install it, gratis. So what do you say?”

  “Oh, my God, Linc! Yes, of course. I’m so excited. I thought we were going to have to go with some generic piece of wood there . . . this is going to be perfect. Thank you so much.” Without thinking, I stood on my toes and wrapped my arms around his neck in what was meant to be a quick hug.