Joker

by M. A. Stone

  “Vodka cranberry and a 7Up please?” I asked the bartender. She quickly filled my order and passed me my drinks. Making my way over to the table, I sat down and slid Moe her drink. She took a sip and made a face.

  “This is good, but holy hell is it strong,” she told me with a laugh. I shook my head and took a sip of my soft drink. The lights flickered and we both turned our attention to the stage. A tall, skinny middle-aged man in a suit and tie walked onto the stage.

  “If everyone could please take their seats, our presentation is about to begin!” he called out. Those who weren’t seated began to file to their tables. A tall, Latino man with a thick, black mustache in a pair of khaki pants and a khaki colored shirt walked onto the stage. He gave us a beaming smile and his eyes traveled over everyone.

  “Good evening everyone! My name is Ron Magill. I’m from Zoo Miami, in Miami, Florida. I have the distinct privilege of being here tonight, at the Virginia Zoo, for our special Kiss and Tail event. Usually these events are held around Valentine’s Day, but with the success of the last event, we decided to hold a special one for you this evening. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to learn about the birds and the bees . . . literally. We’re going to show you just how similar courtship, dating and making love is in the animal kingdom. And how in certain situation, humans should take notes from the animals,” he said with a smile and a wink. Everyone applauded.

  “In the human world, dating is complex . . . or so you think. Often, sexual encounters are judged by length and stamina. In the animal kingdom, that is not the case,” he started as Missy Elliot’s “Minute Man” played in the background. Ron nodded his head along for a minute as a picture of two giraffes were displayed on the screen behind him. The pictures changed to a giraffe leaning over to touch the other one with his head. A few “Awws” were heard in the audience.

  “In the human kingdom, when women are looking to settle down and start a family, they look for a man who’s stable and monogamous, or so you hope, right ladies?” he asked; the audience members tittered with laughter.

  “In the animal kingdom, the same can’t be said for male giraffes. Now my human ladies in the audience, you know when there’s an optimal time to get pregnant and when sex is off limits. Not so for giraffes. Male giraffes don’t go around mating with every female giraffe that they come across. They need to know or rather, have a way to determine if the object of their affection is fertile. How, you ask? Simple. The answer is always going to be . . . pee,” he stated plainly. I looked at Moe and saw she was making a face. I laughed.

  “The amorous male giraffe just walks on over to his lady love and rubs against her with his head in a manner that resembles gentle whacking. When she starts to pee, he leans doooown and . . . tastes it,” he replied with a chuckle. Everyone pretty much grimaced or made a disgusted sound in the audience.

  “I know, folks. Now if he tastes hormones that indicate she’s in heat, the mating begins. The ritual that ensues reminds me of human mating, minus the pee tasting part of course. Basically, the male giraffe will follow her around and try to mount her for the next couple of days, while sporting an impressive erection. Sometimes, he’ll even go so far as to lick her hind legs. She just keeps walking away from him every time that he does this. Remind you of that one creepy guy at the bar, ladies? You know the one who hones in on you and even after you tell him you’re not interested, he still manages to be everywhere you are . . . waiting for you to get inebriated enough to take him home. Welcome to the plight of female giraffes,” he proclaimed as he held his arms out. Chuckles filled the room.

  “Now at some point, the female giraffe stands still long enough for the act to take place. The male giraffe rears up onto his hind legs and mounts her successfully . . . and he’s done a few seconds later. Seconds, ladies. But unlike the human male, he can go again and again after that, but alas still only for a few seconds. And all the while, the female giraffe keeps walking away from him. Basically, the female giraffe has the most unsatisfying sex life in the animal kingdom. So human ladies, the next time you grumble, think of the poor female giraffe who is destined to a life of a mate who drinks her pee and then can barely last seconds in the sack,” he said, to laughs once more. I sipped my soda and shook my head. Moe giggled and took a generous gulp of her drink.

  “Speaking of short lived sexual encounters, let’s go with our pachyderm, the elephant. For an elephant, getting pregnant is the real effort. And once you’re pregnant, it’s one of the longest pregnancies in the world; with it being twenty-two months and the baby you give birth to is a whopping 225 pounds! The male elephant or the bull, literally only has thirty seconds . . . thirty seconds to impregnate his lady before she is crushed by his weight. Yes ladies, she can only support his weight for thirty seconds. Talk about a rushed courtship!” he said as he pointed to a pic of two elephants side by side.

  “Men complain all the time that women are moody, or they have to be in the mood. There’s that whole scenario about not having sex because you have a headache. Right fellas? Try being a panda! When you see something on Twitter or Facebook about a baby panda being born, everyone is always ‘Aww, how cute’. You have no idea what it takes to get that baby here! A female panda is only able to get pregnant three days out of the year! Three days out of 365!! She must be in the mood and yes, even he must be in the mood! Talk about a no-win situation!” he tells us as a panda flashes on the screen with her baby.

  “Now, I’ve been harping on short lived sexual experiences, but is that really all the animal kingdom is about? No way, Jose. Another pachyderm friend of ours has a different experience than our friend the elephant. Let’s talk about the rhinos!” He proclaimed as a video rolled up of him feeding carrots to a rhino. The rhino greedily accepts the carrots in the video, making me smile.

  “On the screen is an Indian rhino. They, like the elephants, are a pachyderm; which literally means ‘thick skin’. It’s like an armor on their bodies. Picture this, the female rhino carries the male rhino on her back for up to an hour at a time during mating. An hour! All he must do is basically stay on her back, she really does most of the performing, for lack of a better word. When her legs start to tremble, the male rhino then knows to dismount or they’ll both fall down!” Barry White’s “Sexual Healing” came over the speakers.

  “People . . . humans will often make the comment that people are ‘like animals’ when it comes to dating and courtship. And they couldn’t be more wrong with the comparison. Animals go through a lengthy and detailed courtship. If humans followed what animals do regarding dating and courtship, they would more than likely have very successful relationships. Take the peacock,” he stated as he pointed to the screen once more to see a male peacock in all his splendor before a female.

  “A male peacock will often dance for hours, if not days for his intended without ever getting lucky! It’s all up to the female!” he tells us.

  “In the animal kingdom, it’s up to the female to decide if, when and how many times. The males accept it, regroup and try again without hostility or passive aggressive behavior, unlike in the human kingdom,” he replied with a stern look around the room. I looked down as Moe linked her fingers with mine.

  “I have two more examples of how things go in the animal kingdom and then we’ll get on with the after dark tour. Koalas. Like kangaroos and possums, they’re marsupials. This means, when their babies are born, they’re the size of a bumblebee and then they climb into mama’s sack to grow bigger and stronger. The average gestation for a possum, for example, is thirteen days. Now koalas aren’t bears and they’re not overly social. They prefer to keep to themselves, until they’re ready to mate. When the male koala is ready to get down to business, he will emit this huge roar to let the female know he’s ready,” he stated before making a large, rough roar. Moe jumped, along with several others in the crowd. I laughed, and Moe stuck her tongue out at me.

  “Flamingos aren’t that different when it comes to trying to attra
ct a potential mate. Flamingo males will make their long necks as erect as they can, while moving their heads from side to side and making a squawking noise to alert his potential date that he’s ready to get it on. Human males and females will do the same thing. Ladies will dress nicely, wear sexy-smelling perfume and do things to their outward appearance to attract suitors. Some males will dress nicely, wear pleasant-smelling cologne and do certain acts to garner the attention of the ladies that they desire. The animal kingdom is not the ‘bottom of the barrel’ when it comes to mating and courtship, it’s really not. With the advent of technology, you have to ask yourselves . . . who is the animal when it comes to love and sex?” he asked with the raising of one eyebrow. Everyone applauded thunderously. Moe turned to me with a huge smile on her face.

  “That was awesome! And so cool. I can’t wait for the tour!” she said. Taking her hand, I kissed her knuckles and smiled.

  “This guy’s really awesome. I’m so glad Ashton was able to get us into this,” I admitted. Moe nodded.

  “I’ve seen him on YouTube, he does these two-minute videos about the zoo and animals. I’ve showed it to my students before,” she gushed.

  “He was awesome,” I told her. Made me wonder if I should be a peacock or the basic human I’d attempted to be last night. I smiled as we finished our drinks and grabbed something to eat.

  Moe held my hand as we walked along the path lit by lanterns, looking at all the animal exhibits. The dark zoo, coupled with the sleepy animals, felt cozy as we walked along. Other couples kissed or nuzzled up to one another as they looked at the different exhibits.

  “The giraffe pee was really gross and at the same time, interesting,” I told her. She nodded.

  “Something I’m going to share with my sister, the know- it -all,” she replied with a laugh.

  “So, tell me about your family,” I stated. She smiled as she snuggled up closer to me.

  “My sister, Mae, is the oldest. She runs the shelter and is also a veterinarian. I have a younger brother, Baylor. He’s at college studying agriculture;Texas A&M. My daddy owns a farm and my brother plans on taking it over when he graduates. My stepmother is a seamstress and works out of her house. Um, let’s see. Mae is married to a fellow veterinarian and they have three kids. That’s about it,” she replied. I smiled to myself at the comfortable feel of her fingers intertwined with mine as we walked.

  “Yours?” she asked. I sighed.

  “You met my Mama. She’s a hair stylist. My daddy died when I was little from a heart attack; I’m the youngest. My brother Bryce was the yahoo who bid on me at the auction. He’s married to a teacher; her name’s Ashton and she’s almost nine months pregnant with their first child. The other brother that you met last night, his name’s Floyd. He’s an ER doctor at Pretty Boy General. He’s single and prefers to stay that way. Then there’s brother number three, Mordechai. He’s a fancy defense lawyer. He’s also Indy’s dad. His husband is serving in Iraq right now, so we’re taking care of Indy until then. They’re due to have a daughter in a month via surrogate. I also had a fourth brother, Kevin. He was a Marine, served ten years in and committed suicide a few years ago. That’s my family,” I replied, my voice getting a little soft at the mention of my brother.

  “Were you and Kevin closer than you are with your other three brothers?” she asked. I nodded and pulled her to me, hugging her tightly. Moe wrapped her arms around me and settled against me as if it was something she’d been doing all along. She looked up and smiled. Bending my head down, I pressed my lips to hers as she sighed. Moe moved her hands to my butt as she deepened the kiss, an action that made me amused and aroused at the same time. After a few minutes, we broke the kiss and I laughed.

  “And I thought I was going to have to dance for hours for you just to get lucky,” I teased. She gasped and poked me in the side.

  “Just for that, you’re going to have to drink my pee,” she teased. I made a face which caused her to crack up, her giggle carrying in the quiet air.

  “Too far?” she asked, her face red with amusement. I nodded.

  “Maybe just a bit? I don’t taste anyone’s pee at least until we’re moved in together,” I quipped, making Moe giggle again.

  “Well, at least you have standards,” she joked as we continued down along the path.

  Chapter Four

  After finishing the zoo tour, we headed toward the parking lot, climbed in my truck and drove to the Mermaid Winery. Pulling into the lot, I ran around and opened Moe’s door for her, offering her my arm as we walked up to the winery. After telling the hostess my name, we were led across a well-lit, artfully decorated room and over to an intimate table. Moe looked around and smiled as she grabbed the menu. A tall, leggy blonde waitress walked over and gave us a beaming smile.

  “Hey ya’ll, my name is Collette and I’ll be your server this evenin’. Have either of you been here before?” she asked. We both nodded.

  “Yes, we were here earlier this week for the charity auction. But I’ve never eaten here? Have you, Moe?” I asked. Moe shook her head.

  “Awesome, I love it when we get fresh meat in here!” she said with a laugh, which was infectious.

  “All kiddin’ aside, welcome! We’re an urban winery and we have 800 wines from all over the world on our wine list as well as twelve different wine flights. Also, our menu ranges anywhere from artisnal cheese platters to entrees and sandwiches. You can also view our wine making process at the tasting bar, when your meal is complete. With all that bein’ said, can I get ya’ll anything to drink?” she asked with a trademark 60-watt smile. Moe looked down at the wine list.

  “I’d like a glass of your strawberry wine,” she told Collette. Collette smiled.

  “That, along with the Beach Peach, is my favorite. And you sir?” she asked. I wasn’t a wine person, but I figured I would try it out this once. I looked down at the list and smiled.

  “I’m going to try your 2014 Pinot Noir, please?” I asked. She nodded, wrote it down and walked away.

  “I’m not much of a wine person, honestly. But it can’t hurt to try it,” I replied. Moe nodded.

  “A lot of people at work are. They talk about goin’ home and drinkin’ a big ol’ glass of wine. Not me. I’d rather have a big mug of tea and slip into comfy clothes,” she replied with a shrug. I nodded in understanding.

  “Usually, I’ll come home and eat with Mama before hittin’ the gym. After, I’ll grab a beer and just relax in front of the TV or on the front porch,” I told her.

  “So, you’re livin’ with your mother, what’s that about?” she asked. We both looked up as Collette came back with our drinks. I took a sip of mine and nodded; not bad at all.

  “My daddy died when I was younger, like I said. I don’t think Bryce came back home much after college, not until he married Ashton. Mordechai went to school forever and so did Floyd. And Kevin enlisted the day he graduated from high school. I went to college locally, came home on the weekends and helped Mama when I could. Don’t get me wrong, she’s not some feeble old woman who needs tending to. Not at all. And I’m not some Mama’s boy who can’t cut the apron strings,” I explained. Moe put her hand on my arm and smiled.

  “You don’t have to defend yourself against anything, Jacoby. My mama couldn’t wait for us to leave so she could go ‘live her life’, whatever that means. She and Daddy got divorced when I was eight and she took off. Daddy met Annie, my step mama, two years later. She’s the nicest. Mae graduated high school and went to Columbia University. I stayed here and went to school locally and helped Annie out with her business when I could. Baylor is their son together, but he’s still my little brother. Annie encouraged us to spread our wings but know that we always had a home to come back to. Right now, I’m renting a house near the school, but I’m only a stone’s throw away from my Daddy’s farm,” she replied with a warm smile.

  “Did your Mama ever date after your Daddy died?” she asked. I almost choked on my sip of wine. Wiping my mouth with
my napkin, I felt a smile creep across my face.

  “She tried. But Bryce and Floyd usually thwarted any attempt at a male suitor when it came to my Mama. I feel bad for her though, she’s still young and soon we’ll all be gone. She needs someone for the important stuff,” I told her. Moe cocked her head to the side and looked puzzled. I ducked my head down to hide my face, it felt like it was on fire and I knew it must be thirteen shades of red.

  “Important stuff?” she asked. I nodded. She reached across and tilted my head up.

  “Jacoby?”

  “You’re going to laugh,” I told her, looking into her eyes. She shook her head and smiled.

  “Cross my heart, I won’t laugh. I promise,” she said.

  “My Mama is a romantic and so am I, I guess. Last night, when I was groping you, it wasn’t because that’s how I am. I just felt this electric attraction to you,” I told her.

  “Me too. You don’t need to apologize for what you did, for what we did. I wanted it to happen,” she replied.

  “Mama needs someone to come home to, someone to talk about her day with. She needs someone to sit on the porch with, who’ll hold her hand and count fireflies with her. She needs someone to slow dance with and kiss her good night. She needs someone to be head over heels crazy about her . . . that isn’t one of her sons,” I told her. Moe smiled and sighed.

  “You’re right, you are a romantic. But did you ever talk to your mother about all of that?” she asked. I laughed at the visual and past encounters with Mama about this topic.

  “I tried, but she’s so stubborn I didn’t get anywhere. Floyd tried to sign her up for Tindr until Ashton found out and nearly murdered him,” I replied. Moe snorted and then laughed.

  “Maybe one day, someone will come along and just sweep her off her feet. I think a strong woman like her has to have someone come along and blind side her. But in a good way,” she stated. I laughed, picturing someone bulldozing Mama into going on a date with them.