Slim Chance

by Jeff Erno

  He turned off the light and slogged back to his bed in the dark, then collapsed and rolled onto his side. He cried silently until he at last fell asleep and the darkness enveloped him.

  Chapter Six

  OLIVER AWAKENED before five the next morning. He got dressed and sneaked downstairs, hoping to be the only person up and around. After grabbing a water from the fridge, he headed out the door and walked for two hours. Exhausted and sweating profusely when he returned, he checked the wristband Benjy had bought for him. Almost nine miles.

  Of course, everyone was awake when he returned, but he headed up the stairs without a word, ignoring the gathering in the dining room. It sounded as if more than just the three of them had congregated for breakfast. His mom had mentioned inviting his aunt and uncle. Oh great, more people to gawk at his grotesque body.

  He showered and changed, then stood before the mirror, carefully styling his hair. In spite of his physical shortcomings, he’d always remained fastidious about his hair. Perhaps he’d always been so particular because it was the one aspect of his appearance he could control.

  The light rap on the bedroom door didn’t really come as a surprise. He knew someone would be up to check on him, and he couldn’t put off the inevitable forever. He walked over and opened the door to a freshly showered and rather demure Benjy, who offered a weak smile to Oliver, at first not speaking. Finally, Benjy asked to come in, and Oliver stepped aside.

  “I’m sorry about last night.” Oliver spoke first, not looking Benjy in the eye but staring down at the carpeting.

  “Which part?” Benjy asked. “Not coming out to me right away or kissing me? Or are you sorry for turning tail and running from me?”

  He shrugged. “All the above.” He chanced a quick look at Benjy’s face, his heart seizing as he saw Benjy’s wide-eyed gaze. “I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

  “Jesus, Ollie, that’s the one thing you shouldn’t be apologizing for.”

  “Benjy, I’m not ready for this now. Just look at me.” He held out both arms.

  Benjy sighed. “I don’t even know what that means.”

  “It means I have to focus on taking care of me right now. I have to concentrate on getting healthy, getting this body in shape. Don’t you see? I can’t even stand the sight of myself naked. How could I ever expect someone else to—”

  “Make love to you?”

  He wasn’t going to cry. Not again, not right now. Damn if he wouldn’t drop to his knees at that very second and suck Benjy dry. He wanted to—God, how he wanted to. Everything about him was utterly adorable, and Oliver imagined running his fingertips over Benjy’s smooth skin. He thought about worshiping every inch of him, making love to him. “How can you even say that, Benjy, without throwing up a little in your mouth?”

  Benjy’s face twisted, astonished as he stared at Oliver. He obviously couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. “Ollie, if I were a little bit bigger, I’d fucking coldcock you right now. What a horrible thing to say about yourself!” His voice broke as it swelled with emotion. “Of course I don’t want to throw up when I think about making love to you. I—”

  “Just stop. Will you please stop pretending? I get that you’re my best friend. I get you have anxiety and all that. We’ve been great for each other. But that’s as far as it goes. That’s as far as it ever can go, at least not with me—”

  “What? At least not with you what?”

  “Looking like the goddamn Goodyear Blimp! Jesus Christ, Benjy. You know what they called me when I graduated? You know what the teacher said over the loudspeaker instead of my name when he called me to pick up my diploma? He fucking called me Baby Huey! ‘Baby Huey Paxton.’ He held out my diploma and the whole fucking town busted into laughter, and I had to walk up there… in front of everyone!”

  “Oh, Ollie….” Benjy took a step forward. “I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t want to be a sympathy fuck. And I don’t want to be your Baby fucking Huey!”

  Tears streamed down Benjy’s cheeks as he gazed at Oliver, hands at his sides. “What they did to you was wrong. It was so very wrong, but you know what? They did the same thing to me.” He spoke in a hushed tone, barely a whisper. “I told you they beat me up every day, and it’s true. But all that is behind us. Look ahead of you, Ollie! You’re losing weight every fucking day, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here at your side. I’ll help you every step of the way.”

  “But what about now?” Oliver slumped onto the bed, sitting on the edge of the mattress. He buried his face in his hands, not wanting Benjy to see his tears. “What about right now?”

  He felt Benjy’s weight on the mattress as he sat and wrapped his arm around Oliver’s back. The gentleness of his soothing touch stirred a warmth in Oliver’s chest.

  “Right now we’ll still be friends. We’ll take things slowly if we need to, let them happen if they happen. No labels. No declarations. But please don’t shut me out.”

  Oliver pulled his hands away and looked at Benjy. “What if I fail?”

  Benjy smiled and shrugged. “Then you fail, and we keep trying. I don’t… um… I don’t like you only because of your looks. I like the person you are. If you’re three hundred pounds or one hundred pounds, it doesn’t matter.”

  “So you’re saying we should just continue? We should just keep being friends and see what happens between us?”

  Benjy nodded, sidling up a little closer and squeezing Oliver tightly. Oliver leaned back, raising one arm to wrap it around Benjy, then pulled him in against his chest. “And you’ll help me? You’ll help me reach my goal.”

  “Oh God, Ollie. You know I will.”

  Oliver held him for a few seconds before pulling back and kissing him sweetly on the forehead. “Did I ever tell you that you’re really cute sometimes?”

  Benjy laughed. “Only sometimes?”

  “Well, um… no. All the time, but sometimes more than others.”

  “When I’m not in the middle of an anxiety attack?”

  Oliver sighed. “Let’s just enjoy the rest of the weekend together… as friends.”

  “And let what happens, happen.” Benjy leaned in, pressing his lips softly against Oliver’s. Though a bit startled, Oliver responded, parting his lips slightly as he kissed back.

  As they pulled apart, he felt himself smiling a bit broader than he had in a very long time. “You taste better than a banana split with extra whip cream.”

  “See, I told you I’d help you reach your goal. When you’re hungry and craving dessert, all you have to do is kiss me.”

  “Deal.”

  OLIVER’S MOM busied herself in the kitchen with her sister’s help. They’d planned a huge barbecue for the afternoon. Everything always had to be centered around food. Oliver and Benjy lounged around the house for most of the morning, playing video games, and when his mom called for them, they assisted by carrying everything outside to the canopied dining area. Guests began arriving around one o’clock, and Oliver’s dad volunteered to man the grill.

  People his mom knew from church showed up along with relatives, neighbors, and friends Oliver hadn’t seen since high school. In every case, he introduced Benjy as his friend and coworker, which was accurate but somehow felt deceptive. What was he supposed to say, though? This is Benjy, my love interest, the man I’ve kissed twice and secretly want to make out with. Someday we might be boyfriends, but I can’t honestly call him that now. No, he couldn’t say any of that because it wasn’t anyone’s business, and he had no idea how things would pan out for Benjy and him.

  Benjy had his own set of baggage. He battled his own demons—awkward in social situations, prone to panic attacks. The guy sometimes was too skittish to pick up a phone and order a pizza.

  When Benjy sidled up closely to Oliver, pretty much following him around like his shadow, Oliver didn’t allow himself to feel annoyed like he often did. There were times when Benjy acted so reserved that he seemed frightened to speak up for himself, to complain
when warranted, to ask for help or directions. He wasn’t a mingler like Oliver, didn’t demonstrate any degree of extroversion around strangers. In a crowd, he seemed to recede, pull into himself.

  The way he’d taken so quickly to Oliver’s parents had surprised Oliver. But now, amid this sea of new people, Benjy seemed different. When Oliver got up to talk to one of his cousins, Benjy found a chair in the corner, sat with his legs crossed, and smiled nervously as people walked by.

  After a few minutes, Oliver separated from the crowd and walked over to Benjy. “Hey, are you okay?”

  Benjy looked up, smiling. “Yeah. Fine. See, you really do have a ton of people who like you. Look at all these relatives and friends.”

  Oliver took a seat beside him, rolling his eyes. “Trust me, you wouldn’t want to hear what they say behind my back.”

  “And yet you’re so friendly with them.”

  “Does that make me a hypocrite? See that lady over there, the one talking to my mom? She’s my mother’s cousin, and she called and asked my mother if I’d been tested for HIV when I came out in the tenth grade. She was worried about her children, both teenagers, associating with me.”

  “Oh my God.”

  “And that dude over there, that’s her son, Walter. He teased me so bad when I was in middle school for being fat that I hated his guts. And that guy over there talking to my dad, he once called me Fat Albert as a joke. And that girl on the other side of my aunt, she and her friends used to sing ‘Fatty, fatty, two-by-four’ at the bus stop every morning.”

  “Ollie, please don’t tell me any more.” Benjy’s eyes brimmed with tears.

  “So yeah, I know I’m a hypocrite. I should tell them all to go fuck themselves, but I don’t. I just smile and pretend none of it ever happened.”

  “Did you eat anything?” Benjy slid his hand onto Oliver’s thigh, and the gentle touch felt good. Oliver smiled.

  “A chicken breast, some watermelon, and a teeny-tiny serving of Mom’s potato salad. I shouldn’t have, but God was it good.”

  “Your mom’s a good cook.” He took a deep breath. “I shouldn’t say this, Ollie, but I want to get out of here.”

  Oliver grinned, widening his eyes excitedly. “Let’s go.”

  “We can’t just leave. These people all came to see you.”

  “And they’ve seen me. They’ve all eaten the free food, and they’ll have plenty to talk about afterward, how I’m just as huge as I’ve always been.”

  “But you’re not.” It looked for a second like Benjy was going to reach up and touch him. Instead, he twitched nervously. “You’ve lost a lot.”

  “I know a place we can go. It’s secluded and quiet.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’m gonna tell Dad we’re leaving for a while. He won’t care, and he can tell Mom later when she figures out we’ve gone.”

  OLIVER HAD watched his share of sappy movies. He’d read books with romantic plots. He’d often thought he understood how two people were drawn together, the feelings of attraction they shared. Hell, he’d even crushed on other guys a number of times in high school and college. But nothing had prepared him for the warm feeling Benjy ignited in his chest. The odd mixture of excitement, anticipation, and uncertainty all but overwhelmed him. He wanted nothing more than to just touch him.

  They held hands in the SUV.

  “This isn’t much of a beach.” Oliver’s tone apologetic, he turned to Benjy. “But the actual beach will be crowded right now. This is just a little lake where people come to launch their rowboats and fish.”

  “Deer Lake.” Benjy read the sign posted just inside the small dirt parking area. “There’s a picnic table.”

  “Yeah, and it looks like someone’s here, but they’re out on the lake. They left their pickup and trailer.”

  Benjy let go of his hand and reached for the door handle. “Let’s walk down by the water.”

  “Sometimes there are swans or ducks.”

  “Oh.” Benjy looked over to him. “We should have brought bread.”

  Oliver smiled. Benjy truly did not have a selfish bone in his body. He always thought of others, never said an unkind word, and he even had compassion for the wildlife. “They’ll be okay. Trust me, they get enough free food from humans.”

  As they approached the water, a sandy shoreline extended only about five feet up until it met with grass. Benjy led the way, walking over to an embankment, where he slid to his butt and sat with his feet dangling over the edge.

  “The water’s probably warm. You can dip your feet in if you want, but it’s not great for swimming. The sand on the floor of the lake is all mushy-like. Feels like quicksand.”

  “Really?” Benjy grinned. “I want to feel it.” He pulled up his leg, pretzel-like, and removed his shoe, then did the same with the other and rolled up his pant legs. Oliver marveled at his agility. With his slender body and skinny legs, it was nothing for him to bend in any direction. Oliver still couldn’t even cross his legs at the knees, let alone sit cross-legged.

  Oliver lowered himself on the embankment, far less gracefully than Benjy, but he ended up in the same position, sitting beside his friend. Benjy slid down the embankment and stepped out on the sand, toward the water. “Are you joining me?”

  Oliver shook his head. “I’ll watch. Don’t go far out, though.”

  Benjy placed both hands on his hips in protest. “I know how to swim, ya know.”

  “Well, suit yourself, but it’s yucky in there. Plus, once you get out a ways, there’s a lot of reeds. And this lake has lots of big fish too. Pike. They get three or four feet long.”

  Benjy’s eyes grew wide and Oliver laughed. “Do they bite?”

  “Go on!”

  Benjy walked out a few feet, then stopped. He turned to look at Oliver, contorting his face. “Ew. It totally does feel weird. It’s like I’m sinking into it.”

  “Oh, and I forgot to warn you about the leeches.”

  “Leeches!” He spun around completely, glaring at Oliver accusingly. “What the fuck are leeches?”

  “Little slimy slugs that attach to your skin and suck your blood.”

  “Gross!” Benjy raced back up to the shore, staring down at his feet, examining himself furiously. “Are there any on me? Oh my God!”

  Oliver cracked up laughing. “No, you’re fine.” He looked at Benjy’s round little ass, the fabric of his pants smooth and tight across his behind. Wow. Fucking wow!

  “You’re a jerk, ya know.”

  Benjy jumped back up on the embankment to sit beside Oliver. With his legs dangling over the side, barefoot and pant legs cuffed, he brushed against Oliver.

  “It’s so pretty out here.”

  Oliver glanced out over the lake. Although a few hundred yards from where they sat, the lake expanded significantly. From their vantage point, they could see the other side. A thick patch of trees rose up, and Oliver wondered if the wooded area surrounding the water was what had given the lake its name. Perhaps the wildlife, including deer, frequently came and drank from the water.

  “The sky is so beautiful, so clear.” Benjy leaned back, staring up at the clouds. “It’s like we forget about the world around us. Living in the city, I never take the time to even look up at the sky.”

  As Benjy leaned all the way back, flattening himself on the grass, Oliver dared to mimic his posture. Assuming an identical supine position, staring straight up at the billowy clouds, he couldn’t bring himself to glance over at Benjy. He wondered, though, if Benjy could hear the beating of his heart. Benjy had asked him the same question the night before when they first kissed.

  The graze of Benjy’s fingertips against his arm sent goose pimples all the way up to Oliver’s shoulder. He closed his eyes, trying not to think that he must look like a beached whale lying there on his back next to the water. He heard Benjy rustle, repositioning himself alongside Oliver’s body, then felt his hand again, this time pressed flat against his chest.

  “Benjy….” He
opened his eyes, and Benjy was right there, his face in front of him, gazing into his eyes.

  “You’re wrong,” Benjy whispered. “You’re wrong about how you look. You’re wrong about how I see you—how all the people who love you see you.”

  “How do you see me?”

  Benjy smiled as he raked his fingers back and forth across Oliver’s chest. “I see you as big and strong. You can wrap your arms around me and squeeze me into a tight, protective bear hug.”

  Oliver smiled. “I don’t have to be fat to do that.”

  “You aren’t that fat. Lying flat on your back like this, you barely have a belly.”

  “Benjy….” Oliver laughed. “You’re so sweet, but stop lying.”

  Benjy reached down to the tail of Oliver’s polo and slid his hand beneath, ghosting his fingers against Oliver’s bare skin. He slid his arm upward and grazed his fingers across Oliver’s pecs. “Mmm. Oliver, you make me rock-hard. I think you’re amazing, the sexiest man I’ve ever known.”

  Oliver reached up and wrapped his arm around Benjy, then pulled him in. Leaning forward, he kissed him, strong and passionate, driving his tongue deep into Benjy’s mouth. Benjy responded, squirming against him and running his fingers through Oliver’s hair.

  As they kissed, Oliver held Benjy, clung tightly to his slim body, and allowed his hands to move back and forth, up and down. He loved Benjy’s tight, toned frame. He loved the smell of him, the taste. God, he was so adorable, so beautiful.

  When at last Benjy pulled back, Oliver throbbed, aroused more than he’d ever been his entire life. “Benjy….” He nearly cried. Reaching up with both hands, he removed Benjy’s glasses and carefully set them aside, then cupped Benjy’s face with both hands, memorizing every square inch of its beauty.

  Again he kissed Benjy deeply, savoring the moment, their closeness, and the taste and feel of this magnificent young man who seemed in every way too good to be true.