Pieces of Autumn

by Mara Black

  Yeah, but not the way you think.

  "Thank you," I said. "That's...honestly, that means a lot, Hannah."

  "We all feel that way," she said, smiling. "We compare scars, we don't argue about how had it worse. Some of us were luckier than others. But Tate...of course, he used to work for Stoker. Everyone knows that."

  "But it changed him." I stared at the ground, unable to meet her eyes. "He didn't give himself credit for what he'd done. Not the way everybody else does. He'd never call himself a hero. He hated himself for everything he'd done, and he was angry. At himself, mostly, but he took it out on me."

  Hannah let out a sharp breath, staring at me. I could feel her eyes, even if I couldn't bring myself to look at them.

  "Sometimes he was cruel," I said. "Twice, I tried to run away from him. Both times I ended up worse than I'd been before. But I was terrified of him, sometimes. I never knew what was going through his head."

  "Autumn," said Hannah, softly, "is this what you've been afraid to tell everyone?"

  "That's not all," I said, hollowly. "When I first got there, he called me his property. He wanted me to treat him as my master. He didn't always hold me to it, and most of the time, he seemed to hate himself for it. But he couldn't hide his desires. And I didn't..."

  My stream of consciousness finally stopped. I couldn't believe I had been so honest, but after hiding all of these feelings for so long, it felt impossible to stop. Even so, I still couldn't bring myself to admit the one thing that I knew Hannah wouldn't understand.

  I liked it.

  "Autumn," she said, softly. I finally looked at her, unshed tears swimming in my eyes. "Whatever it is, it's fine. It's okay. No one is going to judge you. Not after what you did for all of us."

  I just shook my head, wanting to believe her, but unable to.

  "Tate might have been a twisted bastard sometimes," she said. I almost laughed out loud, hearing such language come out of her sweet mouth. "But that doesn't undo what he did."

  It was so strange. I'd never thought of it that way before, with the situation reversed. I had always considered whether or not his inherent goodness - the conscience that still lived inside, no matter what happened - could make up for his actions. And I wondered the same thing about myself. Did my compassion excuse my submission? I had never stopped to consider this. Hannah was telling me that it didn't matter what darkness lurked inside - because we'd saved her. We'd saved all those people. It was our actions that counted, after all.

  I couldn't control the nightmares, the memories, and neither could Tate. But every day, we faced choices. We had the option to do right by the people we met. And every action was the first step forward on a new path. Every act of compassion was a step towards a new life. There were no cosmic checks and balances, but it didn't matter. We weren't the sum of our actions from the past. We could only move forward, and every decision made from now on was an opportunity.

  "Thank you, Hannah," I said, very quietly. "You're very smart, do you know that?"

  She grinned. "I've been told."

  Laughing, we stood up, and she pulled me into a fierce hug.

  "I understand," she whispered, in my ear. "I know you don't want to tell me, and you're afraid, but I do understand. And I meant what I said. Nobody here would judge you. Not a single one of us got out of there unscathed. Most of us have some kind of darkness now, too. We'll all have to learn to live with it. Not deny it. Not pretend it's not there, and not act like we can be the same as we were before. We'll have to build ourselves new lives with everything we've become."

  I had just taken Chimaera out for her morning ride, and as I made my way back, the little girl with the violin came running to meet me.

  "Someone's coming," she panted, gesturing me to follow her. "Come on! Come see!"

  New arrivals who came unannounced were always fuel for speculation and rumors. The camp was well-guarded, which meant that whoever it was, they were expected. Joshua hadn't said anything to me.

  I went to the edge of the fence, looking where the girl pointed.

  There was a figure on the horizon, growing closer. I squinted to try and see better, raising my hand to shield my eyes from the sunset.

  "Who's that?" somebody called out. No one answered.

  But I knew. The quickening of my heart, the soft humming in my mind told me everything.

  He's your nightmare.

  And, in the same breath:

  This is what you dreamed.

  I had to laugh. A few people stared, trying to understand why the arrival of a tall, dark stranger laden with old leather bags in each hand, cresting the hill just beyond the pastures, could make me so giddy.

  The eternal conflict, the fucking confounding reality of Tate and me and me and Tate. My dream, my nightmare. The owner of my soul. The only person in the world who held the key to my happiness, all because he'd once made the choice to spare my life. Deep inside, I wore just as many scars as he did. They were invisible, but no less real. And every inch of them belonged to him.

  My protector. My lover. My snake in the grass.

  My Master.

  My Tate.

  I dropped Chimaera's reins, and I ran to him.

  He was watching me, for a moment, and then his bags hit the ground with a thud. He started to walk. He started to run.

  We crashed together hard enough to knock the wind out of me, or maybe that was just the feeling of him lifting me, spinning me, my feet leaving the ground just like we were anyone else, reunited after far too long.

  Just like we were normal.

  I was laughing, breathlessly, before he set me back down.

  All the things I'd planned to say to him - every indignant question, every accusation, melted away. None of it mattered.

  He was here now.

  "I heard you could use a doctor," he said, softly, his eyes blazing into mine. "Will I do?"

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  The Knight at the Crossroads

  Tate

  Before:

  I couldn't believe how quickly he found me.

  My eyes narrowed at him, pulling my hand away from the gun under my jacket.

  "You're lucky I didn't shoot you."

  His smile didn't falter. "You and that itchy trigger-finger." Cocking his head slightly, he shoved his hand deeper in his pockets. "On a scale of one to ten, how much does it bother you that I don't just roll over and whimper when you look at me like that?"

  "Like what?" I snapped.

  "I'm no threat to you," he said, simply. "And if you weren't so willfully blind, you'd see that."

  I growled, turning back towards the entrance of the tent I'd fashioned for myself. "I know that. I hope you didn't go to all this trouble of finding me, just to point out the obvious."

  "Tate." In the corner of my eye, I saw him make a slight motion with his hand, as if he were about to snap his fingers. He stopped himself at the last moment.

  I smiled bitterly to myself. Old habits die hard.

  "As much as I'd love to hear your lecture about how I should join up with your little band of merry men, for the greater good, you can save your breath." I disappeared into the tent. "Lock up before you go, would you?"

  "I'm not here for them," he said, following me inside. I shot him a murderous glare. "And you know that. That's why you're not currently beating me about the head and shoulders with a very large rock."

  "Oh, we've got plenty of daylight left, Joshua." I gestured towards the dirt in front of me. "Please, sit down, make yourself at home."

  He rolled his eyes, folding down to the ground like it didn't bother him in the least. This fucking kid. I hated his smug smile, and I hated the way he'd devoted himself to something in a way that I never could. I hated the fact that he'd looked at Autumn, touched her, even if it was just for a moment - and I hated that he cared for her.

  "Remember when we went after Birdy?" He looked at me, pointedly. "You said you'd never forget how I helped you. So do me a favor and wipe that
sour expression off your face, and just listen to me."

  "I know that," I told him. "And that's why I'd gladly feast on the heart of anyone who tried to stop you. But that doesn't mean I have to like you."

  "Oh, you're eating the hearts of your enemies now?" He grinned. "That'll make a great addition to the Mythos of Tate. I'll make sure to tell the druids."

  Jesus, he just didn't know when to stop.

  "So you didn't come here for the Syndicate," I said, crossing my arms. "Let me see if I can guess who you made this sojourn for. I can't imagine."

  He shook his head, laughing quietly. "Not for her, Tate. I came here for you. You're a God damn hero, whether you like it or not. And you deserve better than this. Do you know why I helped found the Syndicate?"

  I stared at him. "If you say it's because of me, I'll punch you in the mouth."

  "You can't keep running from this," he said.

  "Watch me."

  Joshua stood up, brushing off his hands, although I was fairly sure he hadn't actually touched anything. "Fine. But you and I both know this doesn't change a damn thing."

  He walked away, leaving me to the sound of the crickets.

  I knew exactly what he meant. And he knew that I knew.

  I was going to kill him.

  There was nothing I could do to change what I'd done. How I felt. How she felt. I would love her, and she would love me, no matter what I did. I could run from it. I could hide from it.

  But that didn't change a damn thing.

  That night, I packed up my things and started to walk in the direction he'd come from. It didn't take long for me to find him.

  He'd camped out in a dilapidated RV by the side of the road. He could have easily made the journey in a single day, but instead, he'd parked down the road, like he knew I was coming.

  Fucking fuck fuck.

  I knocked on the door.

  He was smiling when he answered.

  "I don't need any more of your advice," I warned him.

  "Fine," he said. "Then I definitely won't tell you to take a damn shower before you show up with your heart in your hand."

  "I don't suppose you happen to have one of those." I glared at him.

  "Might do." He crossed his arms. "Promise me one thing, Tate."

  Sighing, I stepped inside. "I promise you I won't kill you in your sleep. Good enough?"

  "Promise me," he said, blocking the tiny hallway that stood between me and the shower. "Promise me you'll tell her the truth."

  I stared at him.

  "You think I don't know when somebody's hiding something?" He raised an eyebrow. "I was a mole for a long fucking time, Tate. You're not as opaque as you think you are. I don't know what you're not telling her, but if it scared you enough to send you running for hills, it's something she deserves to know."

  "I have no idea what you're talking about," I told him. "But yes, for the record - not that it's any of your business - I'll be honest with her."

  Smug fucking prick.

  Now:

  She took my fucking breath away.

  Laughing, she held onto me tightly, somehow forgiving me for leaving. For everything.

  A few of the children were already running to collect my bags. I almost protested, but Autumn shook her head, with a smile. "They love feeling like they're helping," she said. "Let them."

  She took my hand, interlacing her fingers with mine, and together, we walked towards the crowd.

  "Tate. Tate!"

  I was surrounded by people, and I wasn't even sure whose voice I was hearing anymore. Indistinct chatter filled my ears, as I looked around at the bright eyes, glowing faces, trying to wrap my head around what was happening.

  "Hey! Give the man some space!"

  Joshua was coming up on us quickly, a grin spreading across his face. The crowd dispersed, keeping a respectful distance, but still staring and murmuring. Autumn clung to my side, a warm anchor, pulsing with life and light and everything I thought I'd left behind.

  "Welcome home," Joshua said, clapping me on the shoulder. "Sorry about...everyone. They're a little excited. You're sort of...well."

  He made a helpless gesture at the smiling crowd.

  The smug prick.

  "They've all wanted to meet you for a long time. But they'll have to take turns." He glanced at them, meaningfully. "Tate's had a long journey and he needs some rest."

  "Excuse me. Mr. Tate."

  A girl stepped out from the throng - no, a woman, I realized, but barely. The loose collar of her shirt fluttered, and I saw the familiar brand just above her collarbone. She wasn't trying to hide it, wearing it like a badge of pride.

  So young.

  Fuck. My heart constricted in my chest.

  "My name is Hannah," she said. "I just wanted to say thank you. The rest of the girls...they're not living here yet. They need a little more time. But I know, if they could see you right now, they'd want you to know how grateful they are."

  Autumn was looking at Joshua, smiling, but shaking her head.

  "What?" he said. "I didn't have anything to do with this."

  I had to laugh.

  "Maybe I extended him another invitation," Joshua admitted, glancing at me. "But really, it was all up to him, whether he actually came or not. But we're very happy to have you, Tate."

  "I'm happy to be here," I said, honestly. "But I could use a good night's sleep."

  And there was only one way to accomplish that.

  Autumn had rather a nice little cabin.

  In the corner, there was a fire crackling. She'd adorned it with all kinds of flowers and little plants, though I noticed the painting she'd given me was conspicuously missing.

  My heart twisted. She'd been trying to move on - a life without me. Just like I thought she should.

  All I'd wanted, since the moment I arrived, was to be alone with her. Now, I didn't know what to do. What to say. Even the Viper was at a loss, staring at her, trying to comprehend what was happening.

  "I kept your letter," she said, softly. Almost bashfully. She was standing by the edge of her rough-hewn bed, smiling. Sliding her hand under her pillow, she produced it, showing the well-worn edges. "Did you really think I could forget you?"

  I shook my head.

  "Why did you leave?" she asked me. For a moment, I saw all the hurt I'd caused her, reflected in her eyes. I hated it.

  "You would have been better off without me," I said, a part of my mind still believing it.

  She half-smiled. "So why'd you come back, then?"

  "Because I'm selfish." I advanced towards her. "Because I can't go back to the way I was."

  Her tongue flicked out to wet her lips. Anticipating my kiss.

  But I couldn't do it. I had to tell her, first.

  I'd been too much of a God damn coward to even write it in the letter, and given her a chance to forgive me.

  "Autumn," I said. "Sit down."

  She did it, without hesitating. Something painful and wonderful swelled in my chest at her obedience. But this wasn't the time.

  "There's something you have to hear," I said, sitting down beside her, feeling the bed creak. God, I wanted to forget it all and fuck her all night. I wanted to kiss her senseless and bury this one last secret so deep even I would forget about it.

  But I couldn't. I wouldn't. It would poison me.

  Poison us.

  "I told you I met Birdy once." The words came out in a rush, after being dammed up for so long. She just watched me, carefully, not knowing what to expect. Biting her lip and waiting for the other shoe to drop. "I did. But I didn't tell you when."

  She swallowed thickly. "Was it...before?"

  I nodded, hating myself for what I was about to say.

  "It was business," I said. "But when I saw him, I knew what kind of man he was. Right away. He had..." I wanted to skirt around this part of the story, or skip it entirely, but I knew I couldn't. "He had a girl with him. And she wasn't there because she wanted to be there. I hated him in
that moment, and I wanted him dead. I had the opportunity. I could have done it. But I didn't."

  She just stared at me, eyes dull, refusing to comprehend what I was saying.

  "I could have stopped it, before it began." My fists clenched in my lap. "But I didn't. I'm so sorry, Autumn. I was a coward, so I let him live. I let him keep tormenting that poor girl, and I let him..."

  Kill your parents.

  I couldn't say it out loud.

  "Why did you tell me?" she demanded, her eyes welling. "I could have gone the rest of my life not knowing."

  "But I'd know." I was praying that she'd understand - if not today, then eventually. My chest ached with the knowledge that I might have ruined everything, sending our reunion spiraling into painful memories.

  She sat there, head bowed, worrying her lower lip between her teeth. I took a deep breath and forced myself to stay quiet. To give her time to process it. I had to, even though it was killing me.

  "I'm sorry," she said, finally, her voice very quiet.

  My heart twisted. "Please don't."

  "I know I should...I know I should just..." She took in a deep breath, and sighed it out. "It's not like there's any way you could have known. But I can't help but think..."

  "I know," I said, aching to reach out and pull her into my arms. To hold her, to comfort her. "I know."

  She looked up at me. "You've been thinking about it this whole time?" Her forehead creased, the corners of her mouth turning down slightly.

  I nodded. "Ever since I found out."

  Autumn hunched forward again, and I could tell she was letting the guilt of her dishonesty eat into her again.

  "Stop," I commanded her. "Look at me, Autumn."

  Her face had a thousand different emotions warring on it, and I wanted nothing more than to kiss them all away. To make her forget everything except for me.