Outlaw

by Amanda Lance

  I put my head in my hands. She was alive, and I had to be grateful for that—happy that at least I had kept her from freezin’ to death. As much as I kept repeating that to myself, though, I couldn’t make it stick. The stick instead was in my lungs, like the tar from every smoke I’d ever had was coming back on me to keep me from breathing.

  Good, I thought. Maybe I’d do everybody a favor and drop dead right then and there.

  “No, Charlie.”

  Addie’s hand was barely touching mine, but once I realized it was, I could breathe again, just like a magic trick. I stared at her like a moron until I figured out she was looking at both my hands and pulled away. I’d been yanking my hair so hard I’d been pulling it right out.

  “You promised.”

  I musta looked a mess as she looked at me for the first time. I hadn’t slept for a day and from the glimpse I had got in the computer screen I knew I already needed a shave. I was tired with swollen eyes, and my wet clothes were covered up with a dirty, old sweatshirt, but she still wouldn’t let me hurt myself.

  “God, Charlie, what did you do to yourself?”

  She flinched when she looked at my hand. I hadn’t thought about it since I had punched that wall in the hold, but it was easy to see I had broken it up good. It had been a long time since I had punched so long that I hurt myself—but I hadn’t been thinking real good at the time, either—and now the knuckles were all big and swollen up, the pain flowing in steady now that I thought about it.

  “I—I got angry.”

  It sounded even more stupid when I said it out loud.

  Not making a sound, more tears came out of her eyes when she put down my hand. Between that and how gentle she was with me, I cracked up. How could she still be so nice to me after everything? Care ’nough to ask about my stupid hands when they couldn’t even keep her safe?

  “I’m sorry, Addie. I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please don’t cry! I’m gonna find him and I’ll make him regret any second of his life he spent hurting you. I’ll make it up to you, okay? I promise I’ll make it right.”

  She opened her mouth but nothing came out. Untangling herself much easier from the blankets this time, she went for the water and downed it all right away. I wanted to get her more, but was sure, almost sure that wasn’t a great idea.

  “Charlie, you have to slow down. Don’t pull a Polo on me.”

  Jokes now? She was making jokes? I smiled at how resilient she was: soft on the outside and steel on the inside. Even though I was hearing it, seeing it with my own two eyes, it still seemed impossible.

  I gotta admit though, I got scared about her confusion, scared that she had amnesia like daytime TV. When I mentioned Wallace though, she was scared like I thought she shoulda been to begin with so I ruled that out. Then, when I begged her to tell me what happened again, she turned the tables on me.

  “No.”

  “Addie—

  “No,” she said louder than before. “You have to tell me what happened. Are you saying that—that person is here? What? How?”

  Whether she was just lying to spare me or was really confused, I couldn’t tell. Either way though, I kinda figured it was better to face reality now rather than later. To deal with the wound rather than just let it fester.

  I explained the situation as best I could, ’bout what Yuri heard and Ben not lettin’ him work with us no more. As it sunk in, she got pale like before and she curled her arms back around herself. It took everything in me not to wrap myself around her and hold her, too. But I wasn’t stupid enough to think she would want me to.

  “What, so he might be on this ship?”

  “What do you mean might?” I slid away from her and let my shoulders drop. “How else did you get yourself in that hold?”

  She waited, not botherin’ to reach back out for me. “I—I was trying to bide my time.”

  I relived all the things I had said to her, the way she had looked at me when I scared her out of the hold…No, no, that couldn’t be right. She wouldn’t have gone in there again, not after all that. Wallace musta been making her lie, or threatening her or something.

  “You went in there by yourself?” My voice cracked up with the shock of it and I had to shake my head. But she only nodded.

  “Nobody made you?”

  She shook her head. “I was trying to stay a step ahead. It’s stupid, I know, but it was the only advantage I had—”

  “You were hiding?”

  She nodded.

  “From me.”

  I wanted to say I was sorry, but my eyes just got all watered up and I had to bite my lip to keep it from shaking. Telling her all those lies had worked then, but too well. She really thought I would hurt her, had taken a couple of crummy lies over the time we had spent together. But wasn’t that what I had wanted, her to be afraid of me? I did, but not so much that she would avoid me and hurt herself.

  “I could never—”

  “I know.”

  “I couldn’t ever—”

  “I know.”

  “No, you don’t.”

  I got up to sit on the bed, glad that she let me and didn’t make a fuss ’bout it. “When the storm started dying down, I came back up here.” I choked back a laugh. “I didn’t care what the guys said, I was gonna beg you to forgive me, ask you to come away with me when we made port.”

  Her face softened up and I hoped she knew that what I was saying now was the truth—everything in the hold was just a half-assed lie. She was all ’bout facts and figures. But how was I s’posed to put what I was feeling into something like that? How could I prove what I already knew?

  “But when I got here the place was a mess, more than usual, anyways. My books were all ripped up, the computer broke. I ain’t real sure what he was looking for.”

  “He was here? He ruined your sketches?”

  She coulda gotten herself killed and that’s was she was getting upset about? A couple of drawings? I knew art was important to her ’cause of something I’d read ’bout her ma in the paper, and she’d liked the stuff I drew from the start, but Addie’s priorities were way messed up here. I had risked my life for a bunch of stupid stuff too, but this was different. Addie was more important than I was, had a family and a future… and when it clicked I got all shaky on the inside.

  If she wasn’t afraid to die, then she really didn’t know what she meant to everybody, what her leaving this world would do to them—to me.

  “I don’t care ’bout that, Addie. Damn pillow case got stabbed, and the lamp looked like Polo did something to it! I thought for sure you were a goner, too.”

  She looked over my shoulder at the mess Polo had left behind. I was kinda relieved since I had to blow my nose into an old shirt and needed a second to get the shakes out of my body. My nose and eyes wanted me to cry but I was doing everything I could not to let it happen. I hadn’t done it since I was kid and had promised myself I’d die ’fore I ever did it again.

  “I still don’t understand,” she said.

  I turned to look at her, watching while she picked the dirt out from under her nails. All of her movements were real gentle and precise. It made me smile to myself that she wasn’t shakin’ no more, that she was warm enough to take one of the blankets off.

  “If you didn’t mean any of those things, then why did you say them?” Addie shifted just ’til her feet were showing. When she realized the socks she was wearing weren’t hers, she gave me just the tiniest smile ’fore it disappeared.

  “Everybody knows who you are now,” I explained. “Even when you go home, you ain’t gonna be safe from people like Wallace. Our competitors are going to wanna know as much ’bout us as the cops are. I figured if you hated me, then maybe you would just tell everybody whatever they wanted to know and they’d leave you alone. Hell, have a press conference.”

  I could see it in my head as clear as a movie. They’d call her a survivor and brave, and of course she’d be beautiful standing at one of them podium things with tears on he
r face and cameras all ’round her. She’d tell all of ’em how bad we were and how we’d treated her. Everybody in America would love her even more for it.

  “What are you saying? Are there people out there going to hurt me?”

  “Not if I can help it.”

  She put her hand on the inside of my elbow. She was a lot warmer than before, but still pretty damn cold. Or maybe I was just running too hot. Thinking ’bout just some of the dangers she could get in was making The Red come ’round in shades of scarlet, wine, maroon, lava, crimson, and all the other ones I couldn’t remember. I thought her hating me would help keep her safe, but what if that wasn’t enough? The police would watch her for awhile sure, but they were just regular guys. They wouldn’t break the rules like I could, they wouldn’t risk everything—they didn’t love her.

  “Charlie, please—”

  I was sad, but smiled at her anyway.

  “You have to keep your promise,” she reminded me. “No matter what happens, you can’t let yourself get hurt, especially on my account.”

  She was a sweetheart. A real true and honest sweetheart. Anybody else in the world woulda been afraid of me, still woulda been mad at me at the least, but Addie’s heart was so good that she had even made room for me in it.

  I knew I couldn’t ever break it again.

  Getting her up in my arms, I held her close and brushed the hair away from her neck. “Listen, I don’t want to be without you.” When I whispered in her ear she smiled just a little. “As long as I got a breath in me, I ain’t ever gonna let anybody hurt you.”

  She giggled into my shoulder, pulling my arms tighter. “That’s very sweet, Charlie, but not very practical.”

  I started working to untangle the knots in her hair. “Not everything in life is sensible. ‘Sides, ain’t nothing practical ’bout being alive if you ain’t alive, too.”

  Addie turned and pushed her forehead against me. “Please don’t say things like that.”

  I woulda said it a million more times until she believed me, but there was a knock on the door that kept me from doing it. I rose up to protect her ’til I figured out it was just Ben.

  “What are we up to in here, kids?”

  He had changed and was in his weekend clothes: one of those stupid shirts with the wide neck and cargo pants. He looked all tired though, which was something I usually didn’t see, and it had me wondering if I looked tired, too.

  “Anything?” I asked him.

  “The captain has been gracious enough to lend us some stewards who are re-searching the cabins, the bow, and stern storage, but there hasn’t been anything so far, I’m afraid.”

  “Son of a bitch—” I got reminded of my hand again when I made a fist. Seething at the pain, I felt Addie’s hand come out for mine. I watched her eyes look over the mess of scabs and bruises like it was a puzzle that she had to solve.

  “You need to ice this.” More worry for me that I didn’t deserve. I brushed back a piece of hair from her eyes—they were still puffy, but a lot less red now.

  “You do know what this probably means?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “Yeah, I know.”

  “Um, what does this mean?”

  I tried not to laugh too hard when she lost her temper at me for not telling her what was going on. When I did though, I tried to do it without scaring her too bad. Unfortunately, Ben was being no help though, bringing up every possible bad thing that Wallace might wanna do to us and freaking Addie out.

  “Wallace found all of our artificial documents in my cabin. Even when we do make port, it will take a considerable amount of time to return home without those documents. Of course that’s a better case scenario. Changi Prison is obviously not one of the best ones.”

  An uproar of noise started up from down the hall. It was only a couple of guys laughing and talking some gibberish language, but I got up to stand over her anyways, determined to watch out for her if she needed it. A half a second later though, Ben gestured for me to sit back down and I did, but only ’cause I felt stupid for wasting my energy.

  “It seems Polo is having trouble trying to convince our stewards to comply with the continued search. Why don’t you go help motivate them.”

  “Nobody follows captain’s orders?”

  Ben laughed. “It seems not when they’re ambiguous and repetitive. We’re sending them on a search and they have no idea what they’re looking for.”

  “I ain’t leavin’.” I stared at her hard so she knew, knew that I’d do anything for her.

  “I’m certain it will only take a moment.”

  “No.”

  “Go on.” I think she was tryin’ to be encouraging but her smile was weak. “I promise I won’t go anywhere.”

  “See, there you are!”

  For every guy looking for Wallace, I didn’t have to be. If it took a minute or two of being away from her to intimidate some guys, I was good with that—any longer though and I’d have a problem.

  It’s okay, she mouthed.

  I got up and glared at Ben, trying to tell him silently all the things I’d do to him if he let anything happen to her while I was gone. “You. Stay with her. With her.”

  Ben nodded but I didn’t feel no better about it and just in case she didn’t neither, I winked at her as I walked out.

  Chapter 15

  I went back to her as soon as possible, practically running to see her again. It was a good thing I got back when I did too, ’cause when I stepped in the doorway, she was even more pale than when I left, her lower lip shaking like she might start to cry.

  “What did you do?” It only took one glance at Ben to know that he had been the reason for it.

  “Oh, nothing. We were just discussing things.”

  “Outta here,” I told him. “Now.”

  He didn’t argue, which was a real good thing, but as soon as he was out of sight in the hallway I gave him a shove. For once I wasn’t in the mood to fight but I would if he provoked me.

  “What do you think you’re doin’?” I asked, soft enough so that she wouldn’t hear.

  “My, my, love has turned you into quite the worry wart, hasn’t it?”

  I opened my mouth, but he cut me off.

  “Relax, will you? One tragedy prevented, only another one to avoid. Once we find Wallace, this will be remedied.”

  I waved at him. “Yeah. Whatever.”

  I waited ’til he was gone before I went back in. Once I did she brightened up a lot, her emerald eyes shining again and her face getting rosy. She took off one of the last blankets and smiled at me, making me feel okay enough to close the door.

  “Are you okay?” Smiling, I sat down on the bed next to her.

  “Right as rain.”

  Her eyes were glancing at the sky and it took me a second to figure out she was trying to make me smile. Trying to make me smile? After everything I had just done to her? “What did I tell you ’bout lying?”

  Despite everything, I relaxed when she nuzzled her head against my arm. “What did I tell you about getting angry all of the time?

  “Everybody ’round here talks too much. I walk in here and you look like you’re ’bout to keel over.” I pulled my face away from hers and took her chin in my hands so that she had to look me in the eye. “Ben telling you things he shouldn’t have?”

  She shrugged. “Only true things.”

  That couldn’t have been nothing good.

  I got my arms all the way around her and yanked her back to me to try and make us both feel better. “I oughta start welding lips shut.”

  “It’s okay.” She sighed. “They were things I needed to hear.”

  We were mostly quiet ‘cept for our breathing. I was lame for ruining everything but I needed that reassurance that she was okay and not just a joke.

  “You sure you’re okay?”

  She laughed and nodded against me. I smiled when I felt her squeeze me tighter.

  “Yes.” She shook when I kissed her forehead.


  “You know, if the circumstances were different, you wouldn’t have to be so protective of me.”

  I chuckled in her ear. “That ain’t hard to imagine. You got more than enough in that pretty little head of yours to take care of yourself.”

  “What were you and Ben talking about out there just now?”

  I lied, telling her the least threatening thing I could think of at the time. And then, I apologized again.

  ***

  Addie got rid of the last of the blankets and stretched out. Seeing she was still a little cold though, I made her put on one of my sweatshirts and for once she didn’t argue, zipping it up all the way and puttin’ the hood up after she brushed her hair. After she sat back on the bed, she also drank some water, making me feel a lot better in a way I couldn’t say.

  “I’m sorry your sketchbooks got trashed.” She got back up and started to pace. Though I was real sleepy, I watched her like a cat watches a string move back and forth—wanting to reach out and grab her up with my paws.

  “I don’t care ’bout that.” The words felt like something heavy in my mouth and I knew I wasn’t gonna be able to stay awake much longer.

  Addie musta seen it ’cause she smiled, and came over to sit by me. “Well, I do. In fact, I care so much I actually—”

  “My bag, where is it?” Her face was nothing but happy just then, and if I hadn’t been so close I wouldn’t have been able to catch her. I could see her ready to spring though, so I got my arms around her and held on tight, only lettin’ go ’cause she was reaching so hard for her backpack.

  I got up and handed it to her, listening to it drip-drop all the way to the bed. She smiled even wider, not seeming to care that all her stuff was wet and probably ruined, too. I cared though, cared that like her, her stuff looked drowned out and wasted, faded like a dead body. I looked away and shuddered, not bothering to look back again until she pulled on my arm.

  Addie was flipping through damp pages of a sketchbook. My sketchbook. The soaked cover smell like the forests in Washington—rain and tree bark. It even looked like pieces of it had flaked off in her hand, but she still didn’t seem to mind.