Suppressed

by Kira Saito

“How long have I been gone for?” I asked once he stopped singing.

  “Only a year,” he said teasingly, as he took me by hand and walked me towards the altar.

  So Brise had been right. A whole year lost. “A whole year? Did you miss me?” I asked, only half joking. He was so composed and calm, almost as if he had been expecting me and not at all surprised that I had come out of the swamp.

  He smiled confidently and searched my face as I studied the elaborate altar and took in the sight of the hundreds of candles that surrounded it. The cypress trees were full of starlight, hints of jasmine, magnolia danced in the air, and a feast consisting of my favorite foods was beautifully laid out in front of me. It was definitely a Southern dream come true, but I had come to realize that things that seemed too good to be true probably were.

  “Lucus…” I didn’t know where to begin or what questions to ask without breaking my promise to Ti Jean. “What is this?” I asked, motioning to the candles and altar. “Were you trying to get Erzulie’s attention? If you were, you got it half right. She’s not a fan of deep fried oreos, as she prefers extremely fancy French cakes, but that pink champagne is one of her favorites.”

  He laughed warmly as he kneeled on the ground next to the white cloth and extended his hand for me to take

  “It’s not?” I asked as I joined him on the ground.

  “It’s for my beautiful spirit. Spirit Arelia.”

  “Spirit Arelia?” It suddenly made sense. The food, the candles, it was definitely an altar made for me. Cecile had loved absinthe, but as Arelia I preferred pink champagne and of course greasy fried oreos.

  Lucus took in my expression, which ranged from a furrowed brow, to wide eyed surprise, with a dash of paranoia. Having spent way too much time watching dramatic movies with Sabrina, I knew exactly the part I was playing at any given second. What the hell was going on? Was this real?

  Lucus took my hands into his and the heat from his body assured me that I was indeed made out of flesh and blood. “Arelia, the last thing I want to do is bore you with what’s been going on with me. I need to know where you’ve been. What happened? Are you hurt? Where is Sabrina? I know she’s safe. She has to be safe. And Marie?”

  A thousand tiny pins were shoved into my heart and guts, knowing that I would have to lie to him until I figured out what Ti Jean wanted. I decided that I would be as honest as I possibly could be, without breaking my vow. My words came out fast, mostly because I didn’t want to hear my own lies. “Lucus, I don’t remember much of anything. The year is a blur. I do know that Sabrina and Marie are in trouble. Trouble like I’ve never seen before.” Ghede Massaka’s veil clad face came to mind and shivers snuck up my spine. I grabbed a fried oreo and flute of pink champagne and chugged it down.

  “Arelia, what happened?” A hint of panic flooded his voice despite his calm expression. “I cannot help if you don’t let me in,” he said softly.

  My lips tensed and my shoulders heaved as I mentally prepared to deceive him with half-truths. Half truths were worse than full out lies, not better. Yet, here I was ready to spout them out. “She’s on the other side with Marie. They’re being held hostage by one of the nastiest spirits I’ve ever encountered. I have to help her, but I don’t know how.” I spat out the lie quickly and without making eye contact. I knew exactly what I had to do and who I had to find. Emilie.

  “Arelia, you are not alone.” Lucus placed his hand under my chin and gently lifted my head from its miserable position.

  “I know, but there are certain battles that only I can fight. I have to fight. Did Sabrina’s parents come looking for her? And Louis? He must be mad with worry, wondering where his mom’s spirit is…”

  I hid my guiltiness behind wide, innocent eyes with a flutter of my lashes. The truth hung on the tip of my tongue like a ripe piece of fruit ready to fall off of a tree. I restrained myself knowing that I had to suppress the truth for some good, greater than my own need for a clear conscious. Ti Jean’s words rung loud and clear.

  “The weak MUST GET STRONG! You must make the WEAK strong. HELP the WEAK get STRONG! When the weak realize their own strength, then and only then can real change and REVOLUTION begin. That is all I ask of you! The WEAK MUST GET STRONG! You must build up the weak and help them realize their own strength. The weak are the key!”

  “The Richards never came to Darkwood in person. They did send several private investigators in an attempt to locate Sabrina.”

  “That’s just like them!” I should have been shocked to find out that Sabrina’s parents didn’t care enough to come look for her in person but I wasn’t. They were never there for her.

  Lucus laughed grimly as if in disbelief over the whole thing. “The investigators refused to believe that Sabrina and you simply disappeared into the swamp. Apparently, the Richards agreed with them and called off the entire investigation. They accused me of being a liar and said that Sabrina was fine. That this was one of her rebellions and she likely ran off to Paris with you, I was only covering up your sudden departure.”

  “Well, she does have family in Paris and for the longest time she was in love with some Parisian guy who she claimed descended from French nobility. And we always dreamed of eating fatty Parisian pastries while wearing matching black berets. But that theory is ridiculous, I know she didn’t run off to Paris. And look at me. Does it look like I came from a fancy Parisian spa? No, it doesn’t, does it? Given the fact that I smell like swamp decay, with a dash of toxic herbs, and gooferdust, makes it very clear that I was in fact lost out there somewhere and my best friend is still out there. You have to believe me. You have to believe what you saw with your own two eyes.”

  I felt as if I were trapped in a nightmare which was only getting worse. What if no one believed me? Or worse, this turned into one of those forty eight hour murder investigation type scenarios and I was put on trial for the death of Sabrina. If that happened, who knows how many more centuries I’d spend at Papa Legba’s bar. No. Stop. You just can’t think that negative way, Arelia. I caught myself in mid-paranoia and resolved to picture a better outcome to my little dilemma.

  Lucus shook his head in disbelief as if I was a raving lunatic who was speaking some foreign elf language. “Arelia, I’m on your side and I always will be. You don’t have to beg me to believe in you. My faith in you will never waver. The day you disappeared into the swamp with Sabrina, I went mad. I relapsed into the tragic figure who took comfort and delight in his own misery. I descended into a bottomless pit of despair and agony,” he explained.

  My heart sank at his words. I don’t know what I had expected. I was flattered that I was able to send him into a bottomless pit of despair and agony. Wasn’t that what every girl wanted? The love of her life to feel exquisite despair when she wasn’t around? Yes, but a greater part of me wanted him to be strong even when I wasn’t around. Who knew what the future would bring? Or if I would survive until tomorrow… I needed him to be strong.

  “Arelia.” Lucus gently squeezed my hand pulling me out of my thoughts.

  “I’m okay,” I reassured him. “I was just thinking that I never want you to be stuck in that awful place again. Promise me. Please. Even if we’re not together, you can’t fall into that pit.”

  “Oh yee of such little faith,” he teased. “Do you really think I would stay in a state of despair for eternity because of some girl?”

  “Hey. I take offense to that term. Some girl! Really is that all you think of me?” I crossed my arms and acted as if I were terribly offended.

  He laughed warmly and deeply and my heart skipped a beat despite my anxiety.

  “You know I’m only teasing. You’ll be proud to know that the bottomless pit of despair episode only lasted a week before I took action.”

  “Took action?” My heaviness lifted and a glimmer of hope came alive within me.

  He nodded. “You see. It took me a week of heavy drinking and self-torture to understand that if I continued to indulge in self-pity, you would
slip further and further away. All that you had taught me would have gone to waste and that was the last thing I wanted. So, I got myself together and put our vision to reality?”

  “Our vision?”

  “Well, technically it was your vision until I realized how brilliant it was.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  His eyes met mine. They shone with excitement and childlike wonder as the candlelight hit them. I remembered that look. It was the same look he had in the forest when he vowed that I would be his Chalotte forever. “A place where people could forget about all of their problems and enjoy great food and dancing. A place where the past can never be changed or forgotten. A place that reminds everyone who steps foot in it that tomorrow can and will bring a better day.”

  “Lucus. Have you been taking marketing classes while I was away because you’ve sold me on this magical place. Please take me there. I’m so ready to go.”

  He picked up a deep fried oreo and took a bite. Despite all that I had seen it was an action that shocked me to my very core. I’d never imagined the day would come when Lucus LaPlante would be indulging in deep fried Oreos. “Look around you.”

  “Darkwood?”

  He nodded. “It’s open to tourists all year round until you say otherwise. A new group every fall, winter, spring and summer. You should see them, Arelia. For so long I was ashamed of this place’s ugly history and wanted to bury it. I wanted it to disappear and pretend that it never existed, but then you came along and made me realize how selfish that was. Those people who toiled out there in the fields never deserve to be forgotten and they aren’t. You should see the faces of the tourists as they walk Darkwood’s halls, fields, and cabins. They’re filled with awe and wonder at the stories and the history of this magnificent place. They want to know more. They hunger for more, even the ugly parts, the shameful parts, and the parts that I have tried to suppress for so long. Day after day the cooks outdo themselves with dishes better than the last. The place is alive again.”

  I was at a loss for words for the first time in my life. The words proud and overjoyed beyond expectation were too weak to describe what I felt. The more he spoke the more I realized I didn’t have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I wasn’t alone in this battle. I had an ally who I had clearly underestimated.

  “Arelia,” he said, as he tried to read my reaction.

  “I want to hear more. Please tell me more. I want to know everything I’ve missed.”

  “We’re offering cooking classes to guests who are interested and the cooks even invented Gumbo Arelia with my help.”

  “I have a gumbo named after me?” I asked incredulously.

  He nodded. “It consists of sweet bell peppers, delicious sunripened cherry tomatoes, okra, red kidney beans, and hot Guinea peppers.” He grinned mischievously and gave me a small wink. “Lots of Guinea peppers. Gumbo Arelia tries to capture the very essence of your unique personality. Sweet, fiery, and keeps you full and satisfied long after the last spoonful has been eaten.”

  Guinea peppers. The same peppers that we held in our mouths when we fed the spirits in St. Louis Cathedral. The same peppers that lingered on our lips when we first kissed. I wistfully thought back to that perfect, romantic moment when Lucus had not only schooled me on my hypocrisy, but also tore down my walls and taught me that love could not be defined or rationally explained.

  “Really? Every girl dreams of having a gumbo named after her.” A carefree laugh escaped my lips and I felt like a little child. Suddenly, the world seemed full of infinite possibilities and wonder. Funny, how a simple thing like an amazing sounding gumbo could make everything better.

  He smiled proudly, almost arrogantly as he ran his fingers through his thick hair. “If Gumbo Arelia makes you this happy, I’ll get started on Jambalaya Arelia, Arelia Buttermilk drops, Arelia Fried Oreos… an Arelia cocktail… Arelia iced coffee with extra chocolate…” I felt his lips on my neck as he drew me closer. Fire passed through my veins as he wrapped his arms around me and continued to kiss my neck. “Je t’aime. J’adore, Arelia,” he whispered softly into my ear before covering my mouth in a kiss that left me limp in his arms. A warm and tender breeze prompted the scent of jasmine and magnolia to dance around us while the glow of the candles and moonlight caressed us in approval.

  “I love you, Lucus,” I said when our lips finally parted. My voice was soft and my eyes were bright and sincere. I wanted that one honest statement to cover all of the lies. My words compelled him to kiss me harder and with more fire.

  When our lips finally parted again, I collapsed against his chest, giving his white t-shirt a nice long sniff. It smelled like home. He ran his fingers through my tangled hair and we sat in a content silence for a few seconds feeding off of one another’s joyous energy.

  “You still haven’t explained this Arelia altar,” I said, as I motioned towards the cloth.

  “This is what brought you back to me,” said Lucus with confidence. “Unlike the Richards, Mae and Bea believed me when I told them about the swamp incident. Mae suggested that the best way to guide you back to this side was by setting up an altar for your spirit. So, every night for the past year, I’ve been coming out here and preparing this altar for you and singing for you. I learned how to prepare the food myself. I figured if I could guide your spirit back to this side, then you’d help Sabrina find her way back too.”

  I looked up at him in disbelief. “Every night for a year? All of this? Just for me?”

  “Just for you? Arelia, this is the least I can do. You’ve brought color and life back into my world. Can’t you see how amazing you are? How much the world needs you? How much I need you? How much Bea and Mae need you? ” His voice was full of conviction and his eyes full of fire. “How much Louis needs you…,” he said softly.

  Flattered and embarrassed that someone would go through all of this trouble for me, I dug further into his chest, wishing I could stay in that safe spot forever all the while knowing that moments like these would be a rarity until I set things right. I needed to be a Queen I reminded myself and that meant putting the needs of others ahead of my own, even when it was the last thing I wanted. “How is Louis?” I asked. I held my breath as I waited for the response. The naïve part of me hoped that in the year I had been gone Louis would have transformed into a kinder, gentler version of himself. That he would have somehow found the peace that he so desperately needed.

  “Not well. He despises me and there is absolutely nothing I can do to break through to him.” Lucus’ enthusiasm vanished as his voice took on a familiar melancholy tone. “I offered it all to him. I told him he could have Darkwood and all of my fortune. He laughed at me and told me that I was a pretentious idiot for thinking that I could simply buy him off again. He punched me in the face and told me to go to hell if I thought he was for sale. I let him hit me more than once. A deep and ugly part of me enjoys the pain because I think I deserve it. He tries to drink away the pain, but I can see that it doesn’t help him one bit. I know better than anyone that drinking yourself to death is only a temporary fix.”

  A piece of my heart broke and fell into the dirty swamp water. Louis was still bitter and angry. I couldn’t wait till he found out about my little secret because then he’d punch me in the face. I stopped myself in mid-thought. No. It didn’t have to be that way. I had the power to change the situation, if I let go of my own fear and focused on the bigger picture. I needed to act like a leader and that meant encouraging and inspiring those around me regardless of my own uncertainty.

  “Lucus, Louis doesn’t want your fortune. You of all people should know that. He needs closure. He needs to make sure Marie is safe and somehow let go of the past. I understand his anger and his pain, but letting him bully you is not going to help him or you. You can’t let him push you around because that isn’t healthy for you or for him. I realize that you may never have the perfect all American brother bond that you so desperately crave, but if you start small you’ll
both eventually move forward.”

  “It seems so impossible.” I could feel Lucus slipping in that dark and dangerous place that he had fought so hard to climb out of. “His anger and my self loathing are too strong.”

  “Please, don’t think that way, Lucus,” I begged. “I know how hard it is. I know this situation can’t be fixed with a bandage and a few pills. And it definitely can’t be fixed with silver or gold. It goes deep, and despite what everyone likes to believe, the wounds are still fresh.” I recalled the horror of my own past and how it had shaped who I was today. It had made me braver, stronger, but also a lot more cautious, weary, and skeptical. I could only imagine how Louis must have felt all of these years still being haunted and tormented by his past.

  “I understand that the wounds are still fresh, but Lord knows I’d stitch every last one of them up if only he’d let me. But he won’t.”

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Lucus,” I said. “You can’t heal Louis. You can’t give him peace unless he truly wants it. I know he does want it, but what he’s not willing to do is face his own past. He has to face his own demons before he can forgive you and forgive himself.” And me.

  Lucus’ misery evaporated and a big smile made his eyes sparkle. “Arelia LaRue, next to you I’m nothing but a fool. Where is all of this wisdom coming from?”

  “I’ve got friends on the other side,” I teased. “Besides, I may be a little wiser, but it looks like you are now officially a better cook. Those fried oreos are way better than mine and that gumbo smells as if it were made by some fancy Creole chef whose name I wouldn’t know how to pronounce.”

  “I suppose we’ve both grown this past year,” he said reflectively.

  I nodded as I took another oreo off of the plate. “Yes, we have and I am proud of us both, but we have so much work to do.” I shoved the cookie into my mouth and grabbed his hand. I was about to do the bravest and scariest thing of all.

  “Get up,” I ordered.

  “Yes, ma’am,” he teased as he rose.