I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

by Francis Ray

  “Yes, of course,” Madison said, leading the woman back into the den. This was definitely getting out of hand. As soon as she got rid of the social worker, Zachary and the baby were next. “Please have a seat.”

  “Thank you.” Camille sat on the supple, brass-nail-trimmed leather sofa, then turned toward Manda who was cuddled against Zachary. The social worker smiled. “I see the nurses were right. They said you both did very well with Manda. It’s fortunate you were able to help ease her feelings of abandonment.”

  “I plan to help out any way I can,” Zachary said, sitting down across from them on the Barbados chair. “I own my own construction company and, although I’m busy, I have good people working for me so I can take off if Madison needs my help.”

  I won’t need you to take off because I’m not keeping her, Madison thought.

  “Then you’re a close friend of the family, Mr. Holman?” the social worker asked.

  “I built this home for them,” he answered.

  Camille folded her hands in her lap. “You’ll forgive me, but that doesn’t answer my question.”

  Zachary pulled Manda more securely to him. “Wes and I were good friends.” His troubled gaze shifted to Madison. “I stayed with Madison at the hospital after Wes was brought in. I never left. Wes would have wanted me to do all I can to help Madison get through this, and that’s what I plan to do.”

  The social worker nodded. “Good friends always help.”

  “Would you like some tea or coffee, Ms. Jacobs?” Madison asked, adding the social worker’s name to the list of people she wanted to get rid of.

  “No, thanks.” Camille picked up the colorful plastic key ring from the plush cream carpet, then glanced around room. “Your home is immaculate. Quite a feat when caring for an inquisitive nine-month-old.”

  Once again Zachary jumped in. “She loses interest if she has too many toys so it makes more sense to just give her one.”

  Camille kept her watchful gaze on Madison. “Do you share the same opinion?”

  The woman was no pushover, Madison. thought. When dealing with the unknown it was best to answer without explanation. “Yes.”

  The social workers head tilted to one side. “You’ll forgive me, Ms. Reed, but I was rather surprised to learn that you had decided to seek custody of Manda from the great-aunt. According to my reports you had no prior knowledge of the child before the accident. Do you mind telling me why?”

  Madison should have expected the question, should have been prepared for it—perhaps would have been if she had known what Zachary had done. As it was, she was left floundering.

  “I—” Again she saw Wes’s face, his startling announcement just before … Her hand clutched her stomach.

  Setting Manda on the floor, Zachary crossed the room and sat beside Madison, covering her hand with his larger one. He hated the thought of putting her through this and wished there was another way. “Ms. Jacobs, could we delay this for a few more days?”

  Camille sighed softly. “I’m not heartless, but I have Manda to consider. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I don’t want Manda to be some type of publicity gimmick.”

  The hurt vanished as Madison’s brown eyes flared. “Another remark like that, and I’ll ask you to leave, then call your supervisor.”

  “I apologize,” Camille told her, unfazed by Madison’s anger. “But unfortunately people often show their true feelings when caught off guard.”

  Or when they have no choice, as Wes had when he confessed about Manda. “Accepted.”

  Manda squealed and they all watched as she pulled herself up using the edge of the glass coffee table. She presented them with a triumphant grin that showed her two front teeth.

  “Decided to join us, huh?” Leaning across the table separating them, Camille handed Manda the key ring. After a long moment, the infant took it, rapped it on a magazine a couple of times, then plopped onto her bottom to rap it against the floor. “She doesn’t look like the inconsolable baby I heard about in the hospital.”

  “She’s loved and being well cared for,” Zachary said, watching the infant with open affection.

  “Is that right, Ms. Reed?” Camille asked.

  Madison’s eyes narrowed. There was something in the woman’s tone and in her demeanor that said it wasn’t an idle question. Madison had interviewed too many people in the past not to pick up on it. “What exactly is bothering you, Ms. Jacobs?”

  The social worker didn’t hesitate. “In ICU you were heard to say that Manda was not your responsibility and that you wanted nothing to do with her. After learning of your guardianship, a concerned individual contacted the agency. I won’t insult you by saying I know what you must have been going through after losing your husband moments earlier, but I can empathize with you. However, if you are not sure that you are absolutely committed to Manda, I’m here to take her.”

  “No,” Zachary said, his hand closing tightly on Madison.

  Manda whimpered. Immediately Zachary got up to sweep the baby into his arms to comfort her. The instant he did, Madison realized his mistake. She should have been the one to offer the child comfort. The social worker was smart enough to pick up on that little point. All Madison had to do was push her gently in that direction and Manda would be out of her life.

  “Ms. Reed?” Camille questioned.

  Madison didn’t look at the social worker. Instead, as if compelled by a will greater than her own, she looked at Manda in Zachary’s protective arms, quiet now, her thumb stuck in her mouth, those big hazel eyes fixed on Madison’s face. Once again she saw the frightened infant in the hospital, and again remembered how she had slept in her arms. If Madison sent her away, she’d have no idea of what awaited Manda and would have no way of finding out.

  While that would keep Madison from the constant reminder of Wes’s deceit, it might not be the best course of action for the baby. Whatever decision she made had to be the right one because the consequences would be irreversible and far-reaching.

  Madison took a deep breath and hoped she could live with the decision she was about to make. “She’s in mv home because she needs me. She stays.”

  “Make sure, Ms. Reed,” Camille cautioned. “You live a busy life. Manda is going to require a lot of your time. Your husband died of injuries he received trying to save her mother. That won’t be easily forgotten and has the potential of causing problems later on.”

  “She stays.” Madison stood. “If there are no further questions, I have some errands to run.”

  Camille came to her feet. The women were almost eye level. She handed Madison her business card. “Thank you for seeing me.”

  Taking the card, Madison went to the front door and opened it. “Good-bye, Ms. Jacobs.

  “Good-bye, Ms. Reed. I’ll be stopping by on occasion to see how things are progressing.”

  “I hope you’ll call first,” Madison said pointedly.

  The smile was brief. “I’ll try. Good day.”

  Madison watched the woman walk to a late-model Lexus and get in. Before the car pulled away, Madison closed the door. Zachary stood smiling at her. In his arms, Manda was smiling too.

  “I knew you’d change your mind.”

  “On the contrary. I haven’t.”

  The smile slipped from his ruggedly handsome face. “But you just said you were going to keep her.”

  Madison brushed by him and headed for the kitchen. “That was to get rid of that too perceptive social worker.”

  “Then … then you don’t plan to keep Manda?”

  Madison kept walking.

  NINE

  “MADISON,” ZACHARY REPEATED, HIS throat dry, trying not to let his fear convey itself to Manda.

  Madison opened the refrigerator and rummaged around until she found a container of strawberry-banana yogurt. “She can stay, but only until you can make other arrangements.”

  “But—”

  She whirled. “Don’t push it, Zachary.” There was just enough
snap in her voice to cause Manda and Zachary to start. “It shouldn’t be too difficult to find a couple though a private adoption agency who won’t mind you checking their references personally, then the great-aunt can sign over custody to them.”

  Appalled, Zachary pulled Manda closer to him. “You can’t pass her around like a sack of potatoes.”

  “Another family would be best for her.” She tore open the carton and discovered she didn’t want it after all. She ate some anyway. It was cool and tasted like paste.

  “You’re forgetting one thing.”

  She glanced up at him. “What?”

  “She has a connection to you she won’t have with anyone else. You were married to her father.”

  Pain widened Madison’s eyes. Her hand clenched. Yogurt rose up out of the carton and dripped on the floor.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said, hating the lost look in her eyes. Snatching a handful of paper towels, he handed her a couple, and deftly, with Manda still in his arms, wiped up the spilled yogurt from the floor. “But I was a teenager before I knew who my father was. It takes a long time to get over that feeling of being unwanted. I know the questions Manda will have when she is older, the self-doubts.”

  Madison heard the strain in his voice, but wasn’t ready to forgive him. “Is that why you’re fighting so hard for her?”

  “Partly.”

  She might admire him if he wasn’t fighting against her and disrupting her life. “Excuse me.” Madison went into her bedroom, combed her hair, and returned with her purse.

  Zachary eyed her warily. “You’re going out?”

  Madison pushed her big-lens sunglasses on top of her head. “I have some shopping to do.”

  Zachary nodded. “I don’t mind keeping her until you get back.”

  Madison stared at him as he bounced a now-sleeping Manda on his shoulder. “Don’t you have a business to run?”

  “I can’t be at all my sites,” he told her. “Like I said, I have men and women working for me that I can trust. If you show me where she’s going to sleep, I’ll bring in her things.”

  Possessions means permanence. There was no turning back now. Her stomach felt queasy. “The bedroom across from mine.”

  He nodded. “I’ll just put her down and go get her stuff out of my truck.”

  She watched him take a light blanket from the diaper bag and try to spread it out on the carpet while not disturbing the child. Madison took the blanket out of his hand. “The floor is too hard.”

  He looked up at him with dark eyes. “If she wakes up while I’m gone, I don’t want her to roll off the chair or sofa and hurt herself.”

  “You really don’t mind staying here, do you?”

  “No,” he smiled. “If it’s all right with you it will give me a chance to see how the house is holding up.”

  Madison was suddenly tired of the charade. “I was going to the store to buy things for her.”

  A slow grin spread across Zachary’s face. “I think I have everything she’ll need in the truck, and what I don’t have, if you’ll make a list, I’ll go get it.”

  Three hours later, Madison couldn’t imagine a single item Manda needed. They’d tried to put the crib, playpen, stroller, car seat, and swing into the bedroom across from her, but it became clear that it wasn’t all going to fit. The only other bedroom large enough for all the things Zachary had purchased was Wes’s bedroom, but Madison had no intention of going in there. They’d ended up putting the crib in Madison’s bedroom for the time being and leaving the rest across the hall.

  “She tends to wake up in the night a little fretful, so it may be best that she’s in here,” Zachary said, aware once again that the bedroom with its soft feminine colors and smells belonged strictly to Madison.

  Madison eyed Manda in the swing, “talking” to a butterfly through the French doors in the den. They’d already discussed her care, and the feeding schedule the nurses had helped Zachary work out. Her medical records which, after a special-delivery letter of Madison’s temporary guardianship, were being sent from Manda’s pediatrician in Amarillo.

  Zachary’s beeper went off. He glanced at the number and frowned. “Excuse me. I have to take this.”

  Madison didn’t say anything as he moved away a short distance and pulled out his cell phone. She was well aware of the promises men made, but seldom kept. She understood Manda’s care would fall to her.

  “Is there anything else you think she needs?” Zachary asked, walking back into the room a short while later.

  Here it comes, Madison thought. But she wouldn’t make it easy for him. She crossed her arms. “No.”

  Coal-black eyes stared down at her for a long time before Zachary said, “Why don’t I fix you some soup and after you eat, you can lie down? I’ll watch Manda.”

  She snatched her arms to her sides. “What?

  “Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing. Between birthday parties, picnics, weddings, and an assortment of other events I’ve attended, I’ve taken care of my share of children at a variety of ages.” Taking Madison by the arm, he gently led her to the sofa and, with light pressure, urged her down in the seat, then picked up her feet and placed them on the cushions. “You’re worn out. Rest, and I’ll fix that soup.”

  Speechless, Madison watched him check on Manda, then head for the kitchen. He wasn’t what she expected, and the unexpected often made her suspicious. It wouldn’t last, but … she hadn’t been sleeping well and at the moment she was too tired to worry about the mysterious Zachary Holman. Her eyes flickered close. She’d rest just for a little bit.

  In a matter of seconds she was sound asleep.

  Madison woke slowly. Before she even opened her eyes, she wanted to shut them again. Instead she sat up, surprised to find herself in her own bed with the duvet thrown over her.

  Zachary.

  She could either be annoyed or thankful. She decided to let it ride. Annoyance required too much energy. Getting out of bed, she smoothed back the covers. A minute later she discovered she was still standing there, running her hand repeatedly over the same spot.

  Once, she never would have avoided a problem, but in the last two years she had evaded issues when she should have faced them. Perhaps if she hadn’t, she and Wes could have worked through their problems and he might not have turned to another woman. Was Madison to blame for her husband’s adultery? Was there a lack in her that had pushed him into the arms of another woman?

  Her eyes closed. How could he have asked her to care for his child by another woman, knowing how devastated she had been when she lost their child?

  But if not me, who?

  Turning, she saw the four-poster crib, yellow and beautiful with a rainbow and clouds painted on the head and footboard. Despite her best effort, she felt an ache deep in her heart. That should have been her baby’s crib. Her head fell forward. There it was, what had been lurking in her subconscious since Wes had told her. Why had his child with another woman lived and not theirs?

  She had to get out of there. Rushing to the door, she flung it open and ran straight into Zachary. Manda was asleep in his arms.

  “I was coming to check on you.” He frowned. “What’s wrong?”

  She shook her head.

  Zachary saw it in her face, the hurt, the grief. Without thought he pulled her against his chest. “It’s all right. It’s all right.”

  She smelled aftershave and baby powder. She jerked free. “No, it’s not,” she hissed. “I hate the thoughts going through my head and I can’t stop them.” She tried to hold them, but they spilled hot and angry, out of her mouth. “Why couldn’t it have been my child that lived and not theirs?”

  Zachary’s eyes widened.

  Before he could answer, she brushed past him. She hadn’t known she had that much hate in her.

  Placing Manda in her crib, he caught up with Madison as she was going out the French doors in the den. He recalled too well the depth of her pain when she had lost her baby. How m
uch could one woman take?

  Furious, she whirled on him with clenched fists. Tears sparkled in her eyes. “Leave me alone!”

  “I can’t,” he said grimly, watching her closely, wishing there was another way. “You’re hurting.”

  Her laugh was ragged. “And that’s my excuse for hating her?”

  “You don’t hate her.” His voice was gentle, soothing as he tried to find the right words. “You’re dealing with a lot of emotions right now, none of them comforting. It’ll take time to work through them. Give yourself that time and don’t judge yourself.”

  “You obviously have come to care about her. How can you stand there and not despise me as much as I despise myself now?” she asked, her voice and body trembling.

  “Because I’ve stood in your place, in a way.” His mouth firmed. “My father didn’t marry my mother as he promised; instead he married another woman. I was a teenager when I found out who he was. But he had a family and wanted nothing to do with me. There was a time I would have given anything for him to have accepted me.”

  He gazed down at her with anguished eyes. “In a fit of anger, I spouted off how I felt to my mother, a woman who had always loved me and done her best by me. Until the day I die I’ll remember the look on her face—regret, hurt, but so much love. I wanted to hurt her. She understood even while I rebelled and made her life miserable. She never stopped loving me. So you see, I can’t judge. If I thought for a moment you’d mistreat Manda in any way, I wouldn’t have brought her here in the first place.”

  Madison took a deep, steadying breath. “You seem to see something in me I don’t.”

  His large, callused hand reached out and gently brushed the hair from her cheek. Her skin beneath his fingers was soft and warm. He had the strangest notion to keep stroking. “I was there when you held and comforted Manda in the hospital. Just follow those same instincts.”

  “I didn’t know who she was then,” she pointed out unnecessarily.

  “And what do you know now?” he asked quietly, undisturbed by the hard look she sent him. “You know that she’s suffered a loss that neither you nor I had to cope with. You know that her birth was not of her doing. You know that she needs a home. You know that when she looks at you it is without judgment. You know she wants to love as much as she needs to be loved. Remember those things when doubts creep into your mind.”