Blind Reality

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “Come on, Joey,” I yell, hoping to encourage her. I let out a yelp when she jumps up and makes her way to the honey. I’d love to go in and just pull her through, but something tells me that I’d get in trouble and we’d be disqualified and there ain’t no way I’m losing now.

  Joey reaches the edge and crawls a little bit of the way until she can stand. I follow and help her start to rearrange the letters to make H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S. We step and try to link hands, but we can’t.

  “We did well I think.”

  “Yeah, it’s a strong word.” I look around and see that Cole and Millie are done, but they’re hiding their word. Can’t blame them, we did the same thing. It was Joey’s idea to not put the letters up until we were almost done.

  The bell sounds as soon as Amanda and Gary finish. I look down the line and see that everyone is as uncomfortable as I am, and I have a feeling we’ll all be bitching about this for days to come.

  “Well done, newlyweds.” Patrick Jonas’ voice is grating. Usually I don’t mind when he’s on, but right now I want to strangle him. “Let’s see what we have for words. Amanda and Gary, tell us what you have?”

  Joey and I face forward and wait for them to announce their word.

  “Patrick, we’ve spelt computer,” Amanda answers, pride evident in her voice. It figures their word would be tech related.

  I sigh in relief, knowing we’ve at least beat them by one point. Patrick calls on Millie and Cole next.

  “Patrick, we’ve spelt reality,” Millie says in defeat. She already knows that they’ve lost to Amanda and Gary.

  I’m trying not to smile, but it’s no use. Victory is ours, and it’s much needed. We’re going to need to use the jets in the tub to clean certain body parts and it needs to happen fast because I’m starting to chafe.

  “Joey and Joshua, what did you spell?”

  Joey stands tall and proud as she states, “Patrick, we’ve spelt happiness.”

  “And are you happy, Joey?”

  “Yes, I am,” she says without hesitation. I wish I wasn’t questioning what part is making her happy. The part where we just won another week in the master suite and a hot tub? Or the part where I’m in her life? I shouldn’t be worrying about how she feels toward me because I’ve told her that we’re done once the show ends, but now I’m having second thoughts since we’ve slept together. At least, I think we did. Every now and again I have a déjà vu moment and can only chalk it up to us being intimate. I just can’t prove it.

  “Well congratulations, Joey and Joshua, you’re in the master suite this week. And now for the hot tub winner, which was done by online vote. The winner of the hot tub, for your future home is … Amanda and Gary, congrats on the fan vote and we’ll see you in a few days with an announcement!”

  Joey runs—well, as much as she can with flour patties flying everywhere—to Amanda and gives her hug. Cole and I both waddle over to Gary and pat him on the back. No one is congratulating Joey and me for winning, but whatever. All I care about right now is a shower. A long, hot … “Hey, Joey, let’s go check out the master suite.”

  She looks at me oddly, but shrugs her shoulders. I wait for her by the door, but she doesn’t come alone. Everyone is following. Last week when Millie and Cole won, the room was decorated differently. The girls became enthralled, while Cole, Gary, and I just stood there. Right now I just want to get her alone before I lose my nerve.

  None of us care about the crap we’re dragging into the house. Our shoes are ruined and it’ll likely take multiple washes to get our clothes clean. Sadly, we’ll have to clean the mess on the floor, but that can happen later. I reach the door to the master suite first with Joey right beside me. The transformation, if any, isn’t as dramatic as the producers make it seem. When I open the door, I can’t help the smile that I now have or the internal fist pumping going on in my head. The producers are evil and I love it. Our master suite is almost identical to the room I prefer downstairs with everything done in red and black, adding in white accents. I’m tempted to change the color of my bedroom in my apartment, if only it didn’t violate my lease.

  “Huh,” Joey says, as she walks around the room. “I was expecting something different.” She stands in the center, with her hands on her hips. I can’t take her serious though because she has clumps of flour peeling off her skin right now. The zombie apocalypse is happening right before our eyes.

  “Everyone out, and go clean up. Maybe we can grill tonight.” I usher the others out of the room, picking up a few snickers about ‘sex’ and ‘being eager’ as they leave. If they only knew how well I’ve gotten to know my palm because I have a phobia of being married. I lock the door, testing the doorknob for good measure. Joey is still standing in the same spot, but her earlier defiance pose is now gone.

  “We need to shower.” I step up to her, wanting to touch her, but am afraid we’d stick to each other. I can’t give her everything she wants, but I may be able to meet her halfway. Right now I’m willing to test my resolve and I hate that about myself. I should tell her to run far and fast before we step into that shower. Every day that I’m with her is chipping away at my walls. I hate that we’ve slept together and I can’t remember it and that needs to change. I’ve gotten a foggy taste and need more.

  “You can go first. I think I’ll just use the tub.”

  I shake my head slowly. “You’re going to need my help getting this crap out of your hair. We can shower together.” I sidestep her and head for the bathroom, not waiting for her response. We’ve taken a bath together before and left our swimsuits on, this can be different. I start the water, testing the temperature before stepping in. I should holler to her, ask her if she’s planning on joining me, but I don’t. I’ve left the decision up to her.

  The hot spray is a welcome reprieve. My muscles ache and need this relaxation. My heart beats a bit faster when I hear the shower door open. When her hands press against my back and her fingers work the knots out of my shoulders, I tilt my head back, letting the water rain down on my face as I bask in her massage. She doesn’t have to do this, especially since I’m so cold to her half the time, but again she just keeps proving to me over and over again how much better she is than everyone else I know.

  I shiver slightly when the cool liquid soap touches my skin. Her hands work the soap into a sudsy lather down my arms, washing away the concoction from our event. “Turn around,” she whispers, just barely over the sound of the water. I do, and everything stops; the water rushing down on us, time, and my train of thought. Joey stands in front of me, naked and teasing me. When her eyes meet mine, I can see her fear, but only briefly. She continues her path as her hands move over my chest, down the front of my stomach until her fingers are gripping the waistband of my shorts. My hands clamp down on hers and she looks away.

  Rejection.

  Pushing her hands a little, I guide them until my shorts are loose enough that I can kick them into the corner of the shower. Joey tilts her head, telling me what she wants. One thing I know for sure is I enjoy kissing her. It’s like an aphrodisiac of what’s waiting for me, if I were to take it. My hand cups her cheek, my fingers tangling in her hair. Her eyes close in anticipation. Snaking my arm around her waist, I pull her against me. The moment her naked body touches mine, I jerk in response. All my rules are quickly flying out the window and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to stop them.

  I brush my lips over hers, and she sighs, opening her mouth slightly. She’s inviting me in, showing me that I can take her, that she’s mine. I trace my tongue over her lips, her breath fanning over my mouth. “Joey,” I whisper before closing the gap. Her nails dig into my skin, a pain I want to feel. Our tongues meet, in a slow and steady pace. My arm tightens around her waist as I pick her up and press her back against the cold tile. She arches into me as she wraps her legs around my waist and causes the most severe ache. Her hands roam, moving over my sore muscles, kneading and massaging as she moves against me. When her fingers push into my h
air and pull, I think I’ve lost it. My mouth trails along her jaw, to her ear and down her neck, nipping at her collarbone as I hold her to me, rocking her body against mine.

  We’re close, too close, but I don’t care. I want her. I’ve wanted her since I kissed her on the stage after we said our vows. From that moment, I knew she was someone special, but also knew that if I kept her, I’d damage her and she’d hate me. Joey pulls on my earlobe, causing me to groan. Her hand moves down my chest, reaching the small patch of hair below my navel. Everything I want and everything I fear is about to happen and I don’t care. My eyes roll back when she touches me. Her grasp is firm and steady, and I fight the urge to pull her down on top of me.

  Joey leans back, with one hand tight on my shoulder. “Stop fighting this,” she says as her lips crash down on mine.

  I need to listen.

  Someone pinch me. No, wait, don’t because if this isn’t reality, I’d rather stay where I am. He’s letting me touch him, freely and without reservation. He’s not pushing me away, or asking me stop. Josh wants this, and he wants it with me.

  The heat from the hot water intensifies everything that I’m feeling. Our bodies are slick and overheated, the anxiousness of what is about to happen seeping through. The cool tiles that are pressed against my back do nothing to curb the burning that I’m feeling. I kiss him hard, crushing my mouth to his. He growls as I stroke him; his hand grips my hips hard and I hope there are marks left so I can recall this moment. Pulling away, my forehead rests against his, our breathing labored, our mouths hovering over each other’s. One slip, one push and he’ll be in.

  “Newlyweds, please report to the living room.”

  Joshua all but drops me onto the shower floor. My legs, barely down in time, catch myself before I land on my ass.

  “We can ignore them,” I plead, not wanting this moment to end. I stand up and face him, looking for any signs of regret. The only thing I see is torment. I don’t know if he’s still fighting an inner battle, remembering the other night, or about to kill the producers. We’re getting so close and it’s like they’re watching us, trying to keep us apart. I want to cry, but that will make him think he’s done something wrong, and he hasn’t.

  “Here, let me wash your hair.” I want to bat his hands away out of frustration, but I don’t. Being upset with him isn’t going to help matters. I just need to keep reminding myself that we’ll be alone tonight. His walls are crumbling, I can feel them coming down. Tonight, I’ll start again.

  If I weren’t so upset about being cock-blocked by the show, I’d be getting lost in the massage Josh is giving my scalp. Right now, it feels like I’m floating on a cloud. I feel weightless and free. My neck rolls, guiding his fingers elsewhere, causing him to laugh.

  “S’not funny,” I say. “What you’re doing feels amazing.” He chuckles again and turns me around, letting the water rinse my hair.

  “I didn’t get a chance to wash you.” He kisses me, soft and sweet, pulling away after each kiss only to come back again. This time his tongue traces my lips before he brings me to my knees with a searing kiss. Our tongues tangle; he groans and I’m back to where we were not even five minutes ago. I follow him when he pulls away with a devilish smile playing on his lips.

  “Let’s go see what they want. We’re in the master suite, and I’d kind of like to see how this plays out later.” He winks, stepping out of the shower. My fingers touch my lips, recalling the moment we just shared. Closing my eyes, I let tonight play out in my head, and how I’m going to get him to just let go and lose his inhibitions with me. With me … he wants me. Every part of me wants to rejoice, dance a jig and fist pump like Arsenio Hall, but I have to keep my wits about me. He can’t know I’m an eager beaver. That’ll have to come later tonight.

  I wash quickly, most of the crap from the competition melting away with the steam, and step out. Joshua is dressed and sitting on the couch, waiting for me. After quickly throwing on a pair of shorts and tank top, I put my hair in a wet, messy bun. No make-up, just me. The only one I need to impress is Joshua and I think we’re finally on the page that we need to be.

  “Do you wonder how long they stayed?”

  “What are you talking about?” he asks, as he stands and reaches for my hand.

  “The producers or whoever came in while we were in the shower.” Joshua looks at me questioningly, so I continue. “How did our clothes get in here?”

  Realization dawns as his mouth drops open. “Oh.”

  “Yeah, oh,” I say for added benefit. “Creepy isn’t it, thinking they could’ve been standing there, watching us the whole time?” This is one of those moments where I should’ve just kept my mouth shut. Joshua looks mortified. His hand goes slack in mine and I have to tug him to get him to move out the door. “Don’t worry, I’m sure they sent a guy up,” I say to ease his thought process. I know he’s in actor mode now, trying to prevent Married Blind Bathroom Gate from happening. I’ve read enough of his interviews to know that he’s always worried about people taking his picture or recording him at the wrong time.

  “That doesn’t help, Joey.” He drops my hand and walks ahead of me. The small victory I achieved is now for naught. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth about the clothes being in the room. He hesitates now when we’re physical, if he thinks our privacy is violated, the walls will go back up.

  When we get to the living room, we’re the last to arrive. Millie and Amanda are sitting together so I chose to sit with them instead of Josh. It might behoove me to give him a little space right now although that’s the last thing I want to do. I look across and each of the guys are mimicking each other with their arms crossed and scowls on their faces.

  “Our men are pissy,” I whisper to the girls, who both stifle a laugh.

  “Gary wanted the red room, but Cole beat him to it.”

  “And Cole wanted to take a longer shower, but also wanted to beat Gary to the bedroom so his shower was cut short.”

  “They both complained at the same time,” Amanda adds.

  “And we didn’t care,” states Millie.

  “Wow,” I say. “I think the men of the house are pms’ing. Maybe we need cake.”

  Amanda and Millie look at me. Their smiles say everything. “And we need wine!”

  “Hello, newlyweds.” Patrick Jonas appears on the screen and we all give him our undivided attention. “Happy one-month anniversary! To celebrate, we thought we’d give you a few messages from home.”

  Millie and Amanda clap, but I stay reserved. My mother is neurotic and I can’t imagine what’s going to come out of her mouth. I’d like to hear from my dad. I miss him the most. The screen goes black and we wait with bated breath, for the first video to come on.

  Gary groans when it starts and I quickly turn my attention to male talking.

  “Wow, Gary, your wife is a babe. Does she know about your obsession?” he laughs, and Amanda stiffens. “Just kidding, G. Anyway, we miss you and can’t wait for you to come back to work.” The guy shows the “live long and prosper” sign from Spock before the screen goes blank. The room turns into an awkward silence where all you can hear is the clicking from the cameras above us. If this was to make Gary feel better about himself, it definitely didn’t do the trick.

  The next video starts and Millie immediately starts waving. “That’s my mom and dad,” she explains through a broken voice.

  “Hi Millie, Cole, and the rest of the house. We just want to say that we’re very proud of you and can’t wait to meet Cole. We love you, Millie.” Mille waves again and immediately gets up and goes to Cole, who welcomes her with open arms. I stare at them, jealousy seeping in because I want what they have. Cole strokes her hair, kissing her softly while she cries into his shoulder. They’ve fallen in love. They’ve done what the show is meant for.

  My eyes turn sharply when a voice I know well starts talking. Jules Maxwell stares back at me, and only me, in all her perfection. “Hi Joshie,” she says, as she waves her perfec
tly manicured nails at him. “I can’t wait until this charade is over and you’re home. I miss you. I’ll be there at the finale, waiting to take you home. I love you.” She blows a kiss before the screen goes blank.

  My throat tightens and my eyes water. Screw being weak. I don’t know what I was thinking. He warned me from the beginning, but I didn’t want to believe him. Not with his stupid kisses and hand holding. I succumbed to him because of my unrealistic feelings. I thought that I’d be enough. We almost knowingly had sex and it would’ve meant nothing to him. Only a way for him to get his jollies because his hand isn’t doing the trick.

  “Joey,” Amanda says softly. I muster up the best smile I can, trying to let her know that I’m okay.

  “Excuse me,” I tell the room before getting up. I walk out, without looking at anyone. I don’t need to see their pity and I definitely don’t want to see the look on Joshua’s face. I don’t want him to even acknowledge what just took place, and I don’t really care if he’s upset. His ruse is up. Everyone knows that our marriage is nothing but a sham.

  I walk down the hall, unsure of where I’m going to go and hide. The room I share with Josh is off-limits. The only safe place is the bathroom. As I walk by the towels, I grab one and walk as fast I can into the stall, locking the door behind me. My chest aches; I know what’s coming and there isn’t going to be anything I can do to stop it. I was stupid to believe that I could make him fall in love with me. I was stupid to think that I was enough for him, that we could be something outside this house.

  My back hits the wall and I slide down, bringing the towel to my mouth as I scream as loud as possible. In the beginning I refused to shed tears over this, over a situation that I knew the outcome of, but I can’t help it. Moments ago, we were about to finally connect as husband and wife, and now this. He never lied, but he led me to believe that we could be different. I should’ve just known that he and Jules weren’t over. It makes sense, the no sex rule, because he doesn’t want to cheat. But he did, he just doesn’t know it.