I began to chew the inside of my mouth when I turned back to face him. Seeing Alex was hard. All that flooded my mind were the images of those lips against my skin, those eyes staring into mine, those arms holding me tight. Seeing something I wanted so badly but wasn’t certain I could ever have again was like dangling a carrot above a rabbit and asking it not to twitch its whiskers.
“You’re back for school?”
“Not for long.”
“Oh.”
“You look well,” he stated calmly.
“Thank you.” I shuffled my bag farther onto my shoulder and tilted my head to one side. “Wish I could say the same for you, though.”
“I look that bad?”
“You look a little tired.” Or troubled, I wanted to add, somehow stopping myself for fear of what he might say.
Alex ran his hand up the back of his head before he came closer. Close enough that only I could hear him, but not enough for me to get the wrong idea, I assumed. “I’ve not really slept since… you know.”
“Since we had sex?”
His eyes shot up to mine instantly.
“I’m sorry it’s weighing on your mind so heavily.”
“Natalie, we need to talk about what happened.”
“Talking isn't going to change anything.”
“Please don't fight me on this.”
“I’m not fighting you.” I smiled, aware that it probably looked more like I was in pain. “But I’ve already said everything I need to say. My feelings for you haven’t changed, so unless yours have, there really isn’t anything to talk about.”
“It's that easy for you?”
“You were honest with me. I knew what I was getting myself into. I remember everything you said and how long I was allowed to be with you for, and I don’t regret it. Just one night, remember?”
“Oh, I remember,” he mumbled, running a hand up and down the back of his neck furiously as he became more agitated.
“Then I guess the rest is up to me to deal with.”
“And you can sleep soundly at night?”
“I wouldn't go that far,” I admitted through a sad smile while struggling to hide the trembling of my chin. “I find it hard to sleep, too, but that’s only because my brain refuses to stop showing me every single detail of that night over and over and over again.”
“Every detail?”
“Every.”
“You've relived it all?”
“Many times.”
“And not a single part of it has made you hate me yet?”
“Hate you?” I frowned, pulling my chin back in confusion as I studied his face. “I couldn't hate you. I have nothing to hate you for, Alex.”
“How about the fact that we didn’t use any protection?”
My skin paled within a second. There was a small shiver of fear that crawled over every inch of skin I owned as I stared up at him in astonishment and held my breath.
In all the time I’d spent thinking about our night together, after all the replays I’d allowed to roll out in my mind, after the dreams, the overanalysing, the memorising of every single touch… I hadn’t once thought anything about the fact that we hadn’t been safe. My eyes searched his frantically, and everything around me suddenly became blurry as the panic set in.
“Natalie?” he croaked, leaning in closer. “You need to breathe.”
I didn’t. I couldn’t. My chest ached and the air was suddenly so thin, I felt like someone had just wrapped a plastic bag around my head and was squeezing it tight.
“Wh–”
“That’s why I’ve come back today.”
“Wha–”
“I’ve felt so guilty, so fucking guilty. I can’t even sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t do anything.”
“Wher–”
“Do you need to sit down?”
“I…”
His hands reached up to grab my arms and hold me in place, but I couldn’t focus on anything apart from my stomach all of a sudden. Surely if anything had happened I would feel it? I would feel different, or aware of at least…
Holy shit.
As I found some movement in my lips, my eyelashes fluttered furiously and I looked up at him and stared. “What exactly are you saying to me?”
His quiet sigh of resignation washed over my face. “I’m saying that we were stupid, and you need to go get checked.”
“Checked?” I ground out a little too loudly. “Checked for what? Are you telling me I could have caught some kind of goddamn STI from you?”
Alex frowned hard as soon as the words left my mouth, gripping me even tighter. I was in his grip completely, my body limp, only being held up by the strength and tension in his arms as he leaned over me. “Are you fucking serious right now? You have no idea, do you?”
“About what?”
“Me, Nat. Me!”
Shaking my head, I stared at him in annoyance and scowled. “Nothing you’ve said lately has made any sense to me.”
The double doors behind us creaked open, but before anyone could see either of us, Alex had looked up over my head, caught sight of the people about to interrupt our moment and quickly pulled us down the side of two rows of lockers. Pushing me up against them, he crouched at the knees and lowered his face until his eyes were level with mine. He didn’t once let me go. He knew as well as I did, the moment his arms left mine, I’d be on the floor in a crumpled heap.
“The only thing you have to worry about is pregnancy. I promise you.”
I paused, completely caught up in the tornado of his words that were bashing around in my mind, not letting any one thing settle down and fall into place. “How can you be so sure?”
“I’ve never slept with anyone before you.”
My sharp intake of breath got stuck in my throat as I gazed into his eyes. I didn't know why or how or even when I ever came to the conclusion that Alex had been with someone before me. I guess the idea of him not having a million women banging his door down just seemed ridiculous. A guy like him could have had anyone he wanted. He could have had anything.
“I was your first?”
“My one and only,” he confirmed quietly. His eyes turned down at the corners, and I could feel the sadness pouring out of him, out of both of us. We were two souls I was certain were connected so deeply, it hurt to be apart, but there was something stopping us from being together. Something that was out of my control and somehow out of his, too.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I guess I thought you already knew.” Alex tore his gaze away first, letting his chin drop to his chest as he stared down at the floor. “I’ve made a mess of everything,” he muttered.
I wanted to reach out and touch him, caress his hair and somehow ease his frustrations, but I was pinned in place and currently unable to feel my own feet.
“I’ll get checked,” I said quietly, swallowing down the gut-wrenching fear that there was even a small chance that I was seventeen years old and knocked up. “I’ll… I’ll figure something out.”
Looking back up through sad eyes, he began to stand, easing the pressure on my arms before he eventually pulled away altogether. The weight of my entire body leaned back against the lockers. I wasn’t quite ready to trust my legs just yet.
Alex continued to look down on me before he brought his hand up to lightly grip my chin between his finger and thumb. “In the summerhouse you told me to show you what I felt for you. Did you feel what I couldn’t say that night?”
“Yes,” I whispered. At the time, I thought I did.
“I’m glad you know that I wanted you.”
“Wanted?” Not want.
His sad smile was like a knife straight to my chest. “I have to go.”
“Of course you do.”
“My father is in the head's office.”
His father was here – the man who threw him around and hit him like he meant nothing at all, like he wasn’t the most important, most amazing person on this earth.
&n
bsp; I glared at him, unable to understand what the hell was going on in his life or with those parents of his. Was his father the thing standing between us? Was he the reason that I couldn’t have the fairy tale that Sammy had promised me?
“Why is he here?”
“He’s making arrangements. I’ll be taking the rest of the year off. Home study.”
“You can't do that. You have a life in this place. Your friends, your football, basketball, all that stuff you love so much.” Me. You have me.
“There's only a few weeks left. The end of year classes are always more like study periods anyway. It's no big deal.”
“Is this because of me?” I asked, swallowing quietly as I tried to keep myself composed.
Exhaling sharply through his nose, he shook his head and leaned forward to kiss the top of my head. Another goodbye was approaching. I could feel it, so I closed my eyes and let my fingers reach out to brush his thigh, allowing myself to steal one last touch of his body.
“It’s for you, not because of you.”
I had no idea what that meant. My mind was drowning in the ocean of riddles he was pouring over me.
“Please stay safe.” It was pathetic and it was weak, but it was all that I could think to say.
“Always.”
I knew I couldn’t watch him walk away from me again, so I stayed where I was and let the warmth of his presence fade away until everything around me turned cold once more. When I was certain he had gone, and I was left all alone, my head fell back against the lockers with a thud and my arms curled around my stomach before I sank down the cool metal surface and landed with a thud on the floor.
How did I get here?
More importantly, how the hell was I going to get out without him?
SIXTEEN
I wasn’t sure when I’d crossed over from existing to living then back to existing again, but as I jogged quietly up the stairs of our house, I was definitely moving on auto. I wasn’t making any decisions about anything as I threw my rucksack onto my bed and went to stare out of my bedroom window. It was another relatively warm afternoon, so I had no real excuse for the chill on my skin that was refusing to go away.
As I pressed my hands against the window ledge and looked out onto the sprawling lawn, I saw both my parents going about their business as usual. Gardening was their thing. Since Lizzy had passed away, they’d found solace in nurturing and bringing other things to life. I watched them both as they worked together in silence. With their backs to each other, both crouched down on the floor, they handed spades and trowels across back and forth, neither one needing to talk as they handled the plants, dug up the soil and watered the thirsty leaves.
Anyone who saw them like this would be able to see the love they had for one another. There were no grand gestures or declarations, but it was clear to see from the subtle smiles they shared over their shoulders and the way they held on to each other a moment longer than necessary when their fingers brushed together during a task. My dad found a way to reach out to Mum as much as possible, and her cheeks always managed to blush just enough for him to know how much she enjoyed his attentiveness.
They were in love.
After all they’d faced together, after all that had tried to tear them apart, they were in love now more than ever before.
Something about that very fact made me happy, yet also incredibly sad.
Would I ever find a bond as strong as theirs? Or had I already found it, and was I letting it go without so much as a fight?
Blowing out all the air in my lungs, I looked down to my stomach and stared at it with uncertainty. There was a chance, however big or small, that I could be pregnant. There was a chance, however big or small, that I could be carrying a life inside of me.
My hands reached up to grace the edges of my stomach slowly, before the reality of what I was doing sank in, and I quickly let them fall down by my sides. That all too familiar chill rolled down my spine again and I knew there was only one place left for me to go.
It didn’t take me long to draw a bath, and when the bubbles were so high I knew they would reach up to my chin, I stripped out of my clothes and sank into the water to revel in its comforting heat. This had always been my go to place whenever things became too much for me. Granted, given the fact I’d always been so insular, those times were few and far between, but it seemed like I was paying the price for that lately. Everything I’d ever run from, all those times I’d made like an ostrich and buried my head in the sand, they were all catching up with me now.
I’d loved, I’d lost and now I was left to wonder, all within the space of just over a year.
This is real life, I thought to myself. This is the way it’s always been for everyone. I’ve just always been lucky enough to have parents that shielded me from the world until the world caught up with me.
Unlike Alex.
It was at that point that I let my head drop back against the bathtub and I closed my eyes.
“Natalie, darling?” my mother whispered from the other side of the door.
If anyone had given me the option to avoid facing my parents for the next few weeks without any consequences at all, I would have taken that option an hour ago.
But just hearing her voice seemed to make my heart skip a beat as I stared at the door and remained silent.
Her hands, adorned with rings, clanked against the wooden door as she reached up to press herself against it. “Are you okay, sweetheart?”
“I’m fine, Mum,” I called back.
She didn’t answer me straightaway, but I could hear the hint of sadness in her voice when she eventually spoke again. “You mind if I come in? Your old mum has seen it all before.”
I smiled to myself and lifted my head. “I think I have enough bubbles in here to cover up anything you haven’t seen anyway. Come in.”
She pushed through wearing a sympathetic smile on her face, her eyes popping wide when she saw just how many bubbles really did occupy my bath. “Well, at least I don’t have to turn away or provide you with a few rubber duckies to cover your more intimate parts.”
“We have rubber ducks?” I asked with far too much excitement, watching her as she came to perch on the edge of the toilet opposite me.
“I have everything from yours and Elizabeth’s childhood.”
“I should have realised. The garage is overloaded with our memory boxes.”
“And the attic.”
“The cellar, too?”
“I won’t tell you about the small storage unit I rent out over in Morley, darling.”
Elizabeth had been an achiever since the day she was born. Growing up, I remembered her certificates covering almost every wall in the house, and trophies scattered across every surface as she continued to shine brightly in this world.
“Elizabeth had a lot of stuff,” I said, unable to hide the hint of sadness in my voice.
Mum’s hands came together as she leaned forward and her eyes tried to catch mine. “She was an amazing child, teenager and woman. I couldn’t have loved her more or been prouder of her if she’d lived to be a hundred and twelve years old.”
“How she’d have hated all those wrinkles.” I swallowed down quietly, unable to stop myself from smiling just a little bit at the thought of her growing old with me.
“And varicose veins.”
“Grey hairs.”
“Saggy breasts and underwear big enough to camp in.”
Pressing my mouth into a flat line, I gazed up at Mum and tried to hold back the laughter, but just as it always did when we spoke about Lizzy, our emotions got the better of us until we had to let it free.
“She was particular about her underwear,” I agreed, wishing she was there.
“She was particular about so many things,” Mum said wistfully, a small v forming across her forehead as she stared down at the floor. “Especially her little sister.”
Those damn tears saw their opportunity like a hawk. My eyes filled instantly, but I tried to ho
ld them down, cursing my emotions for always being all over the place lately.
“She always made me feel loved.”
“What’s wrong, Natalie?” Mum eventually whispered, the question falling from her lips as though it had been hanging there for an eternity, desperate to fall free.
“Wrong?”
“I may not always talk as much as your father does. I may not always say what I want to say, or actually say anything at all, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see.”
“What do you see?” I asked her quietly.
She sighed, and her smile turned sad all over again. “I see my little girl looking lost. I see you every day, the pain you try to hide from the rest of us. I see that things looked up for you for a while back there when a sweet boy entered your life, but I see now that things maybe haven’t quite worked out the way you wanted them to and that pain has returned to haunt you all over again.”
I remained quiet, unable to do anything as I tried to fight the tears off and stay strong in front of her.
“It’s times like these that I wish Elizabeth was still here for you. She was so much better at all of this than I was... am. There wasn’t a single day that went by where she didn’t communicate with us on your behalf, just so you didn’t have to. Everything you ever thought or felt, she thought and felt, too. She had a sixth sense about everything when it came to you. It was as though she knew your future, and she knew what path you had to take. You never had to tell her what was wrong. She knew.”
The trembling of my chin as I fought to stay in control only made my vision blur even more.
“I remember once,” Mum breathed out through a small chuckle, “we were all sat around the dinner table. I think you must have been eight, and Elizabeth was eighteen and due to go out that night with a boy she had just started dating, only you didn’t want her to go. You’d barely said two words to each other since you’d both walked back through the door from school and college. You were having a silent little strop over something, and not for love, nor money, could your father or I figure out what was wrong. ‘Is it school, sweetheart?’ I badgered you. ‘Are you being bullied? Is there a teacher there you don’t like? Are you struggling with maths or your spellings?’ But all you would give me was a scowl, much like the one you’re giving me now, and a shake of your head.”
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