My face relaxed immediately, but I was too engrossed in the story to speak, so I smiled weakly in apology and waited.
“It was only when we sat down at the dinner table that the truth finally came out. You wouldn’t pick your knife and fork up or entertain eating in any way, shape or form. I think Elizabeth had just about had enough when your father asked if you wanted him to make a sandwich for you instead of whatever it was that I’d made.” Mum’s voice was beginning to crack as she leaned even farther forward and turned it into a whisper. “Lizzy slammed her cutlery down, rolled her eyes and planted her arms on the table like she was the head of the family. ‘Mother, isn’t it obvious what’s wrong with her?’ she said, making me feel rather small and useless for a moment. ‘Surely you can tell just by looking at her. Natalie is in love.’” Mum sat upright again, the words in love floating through the air like they were echoing off the walls to taunt me.
“In love?”
She nodded just the once, straightening her back as she sighed heavily and smiled. “Justin McCormack, I believe his name was. He was on some opposing football team from another school, and you’d fallen over during your match that very day, and he, in turn, had run over to help you, only for you to brush him off and warn him very firmly that you were not a girl that needed a boy’s help.”
“I remember that.” I gasped, looking up as my eyelashes fluttered wildly against the tears in my eyes.
“And that was that as far as Elizabeth was concerned. She knew you were in love before you'd even realised it yourself. She put it out there, picked up where she’d left off, and tucked into her food like she didn’t have three pairs of eyes staring at her – like we weren’t all sat there opened mouthed and a little stunned.”
“What happened?” I asked eagerly, pushing myself up in the bath even higher.
“Well, after cries of denial, you ran upstairs after telling Elizabeth that you hoped she slipped on a slug and her boobies fell out of her bra while she was on her date. Your father ran after you and I stayed at the table, staring at your big sister like she held all the answers to motherhood and had been keeping them from me.”
“She always seemed to know what I was thinking before I really knew myself.”
“Her sixth sense was razor sharp. A little eerie at times, but she seemed to know so much more about the world than the rest of us. That night was no exception. When she finished her food and stood to take her plate to the kitchen, I remember calling out her name and asking her just how she had known about the boy when she hadn’t seen you or spoken to you all day long. Not one of us had told her. I was truly perplexed.”
“What did she tell you?”
Releasing all the air she held tight in her chest, my mother rose to stand over me, her hand brushing through the ends of my hair before she pushed it back behind my ear and smiled. “She said, ‘Mum, it’s really not that hard to see. Natalie may think she’s shutting the world out, but if you look close enough, it’s all there on display. She looks just like you when she’s in love.’ I asked her what I looked like, completely unaware that I obviously gave myself away as much as I did to you all. Elizabeth spun around on her fancy heels, leaned against the doorframe and gave me the biggest look of approval I’d ever seen shine from her face. She said, ‘She looks like she’s trying to figure out a way to make him happy, like you look at Dad every single minute of every single day. Her cheeks go pink and her eyes turn down like she’s sad when actually, she’s nowhere near sad at all. She’s just trying to make sure no one else in the room can hear her heart hammering away, the way she can hear it.’”
Right on cue, my heart began to pick up pace, beating even harder than it already had been doing. I swallowed down the huge lump in my throat but I was unable to hold back the tears that slipped gently out of each corner of my eye. “Is that how you feel about Dad, Mum?”
“Every day of my life, Natalie.” She smiled, catching a tear with her thumb. “And ever since Elizabeth gave me that heads up, I’ve been waiting to see that look on your face again. Now that it’s here, it’s more obvious than ever. You love Alex?”
“Yes,” I croaked.
“But it’s difficult for you both now?”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I’m the one that needs to say something to you.”
Staring up at her, I rubbed my lips together with worry and waited.
“Real love, the love that seeps deep down into your bones, it’s awkward. It’s complicated and it’s raw. There’s no such thing as being swept off your feet and magical happily ever afters, as beautiful as those stories are. You have to learn to find a way to carry each other when it’s time, but also let each other wander when it’s needed, too. Whatever it is you’re both going through, whether alone or together, no matter how big or small, simple or painful, whether it's a dream or a nightmare, soul mates never stay apart for long. These things have a way of fixing themselves over time, and I want you to know that I’m always here for you. I’m always around, and even though I’m not as natural as your sister was, I’m willing to step up and try to fill those giant shoes of hers if you’ll let me. I want to be both your mother and your sister. I want you to be able to tell me anything. Anything at all.”
My eyes closed as more tears tore down my face. I wasn’t sure if it was the sadness within me, the fear of the situation I might have been in, the loss of Alex and Lizzy or the happiness and warmth of the moment I was currently sharing with my mum. Whatever it was, and I believe it was probably a mixture of all those things, I finally cracked, reaching up to grab my mother’s hand as the words ‘I could be pregnant’ sat on the very tip of my tongue.
“I’m so lucky to have you,” I breathed as I squeezed her fingers tightly.
“No, darling,” she said, pressing her lips to the top of my head and speaking against it. “We’re the lucky ones. One day you’ll believe in yourself the way Elizabeth did. One day you’ll see that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes those reasons don’t show themselves until we’re much older and much wiser. Be brave, be strong and fight for what you believe in.”
“I’ll do my best.” I smiled.
Mum stood and turned to leave, pausing after just a few steps before looking back over her shoulder one last time. “That look Elizabeth said you and I both get when we’re in love… I choose to believe she saw that on your face the night she died. It’s the only explanation I have for her saying the things she said to you. If that was the case, then I need you to know that I don’t think there was any greater parting gift you could have given her than that. She may have always been there for you, but you were always there for her, too. I just don’t think you’ve ever realised how much life you gave her when you came along. All she ever wanted was for you to be happy.”
I stared up at her, unsure how to begin to explain how grateful I was to have had Lizzy in my life, too. “I’m glad you came to talk to me, Mum,” was all I could manage in a whisper. “Thank you.”
Her responding smile made my heart ache for the loss she endured daily.
When she left as quietly as she’d arrived, and I was left alone with a volcano of thoughts boiling over in my head and a mountain of bubbles sat in front of me, I forced myself to swallow back the emotion that was burning my throat. If Mum could smile after everything she’d been through, so could I.
It was time to stop crying.
One way or another, things were about to change in my life.
It was what Elizabeth would have told me to do – take charge.
SEVENTEEN
The next day, I was pacing back and forth in Sammy's bedroom after spending all night trying to decide if she was who I should talk to, or whether I should just lay it all on the line with my mother instead.
After realising I couldn't put Mum through any more heartache or worry – not until I knew for certain what I was dealing with – I turned to my best friend for the one thing I ne
ver even dreamed I'd need help with.
She was sitting on the edge of her bed looking up at me, while I chewed on the corner of my thumb and tried not to think about the expression on her face.
My limbs were shaking as I somehow kept myself standing. I needed movement. I'd stayed too still for too long.
Eventually, Sammy sighed long, hard and torturously slow, her voice similar to that of a big sister's when she spoke.
“That sounds...”
“Stupid?” I offered, head down, nail in mouth.
“Intense.”
“It was definitely intense,” I whispered, pushing both hands through my hair as I turned to look out of her window. My eyes found the sky instantly, and all my thoughts turned to Lizzy as I watched the clouds glide along, cutting through the perfect blue of our English summer. “Beautiful, intense and stupid.”
“From the look on your face, I'd say you missed off steamy, too”
I didn't have to respond. The shuffle of my legs as my stomach tightened at the memory told her enough.
“I can't believe you didn't tell me straight away.”
“I had my reasons.”
“Yeah, the main one being that you weren't safe and didn't use protection.”
“I told you. I didn't even think about that until he told me after you left us together yesterday.”
“Who'd have thought it? Alex Law, the biggest mystery among us all, and you've...”
“Don't,” I begged quietly, briefly closing my eyes before I turned around to look at her.
“Sorry,” she muttered, her hands suddenly becoming very interesting as they fell into her lap. “So let's talk about what you possibly do have now.”
“I'm thinking.”
“About what?”
“Remember all those years ago when we first did all the sex-ed stuff? Didn't we get told in biology class that it's actually really difficult to become pregnant?”
“Umm. It doesn't seem difficult for some of the girls in year thirteen.”
“But how many times will they have had sex?”
“Ha! You want me to try to count on one pair of hands and two feet?”
“Exactly! Mr. Newman said something about the chances of everything falling into place at the right time being tiny, and people thinking they can get pregnant at any time of the month being one of the biggest misunderstandings in a teenager’s informative years.” I pulled in a breath, suddenly clinging on to the small hope that all the statistics would go in my favour.
“Mr. Newman, everybody. Encouraging underage pregnancies since 2009.”
“I'm not underage,” I hit back a little too seriously.
“Not now. But who knows how many guys walked away from his class telling their girlfriends they'd be fine to let the train pass through the station for twenty days out of thirty.”
“Good point,” I mumbled. “But that's not relevant to the here and now.”
“I don’t understand how any of this is relevant, Nat.” Sammy stood up, walking over to me slowly before placing her hands on my shoulders and moving her head in all directions until I accepted that it was my eyes she was searching for. “Statistics don't matter. A pregnancy test does.”
“It's not even been a week. How am I meant to wait until it's time to test? I'm going out of my mind here, Sam. Another day of this and I'll be chewing my nails down to my elbow.”
“When was your last period?”
“What?”
“You heard me. When was it?”
I couldn't think properly. My eyes scrunched tight in annoyance as I tried to focus. It felt like a lifetime ago already, but that wasn't anything out of the ordinary for me. My body had been a late bloomer, and the foundations of it were still settling in. “I don't know.”
“Think harder.”
Blowing all the air out of my cheeks, I remained still and focused. “May sometime? Beginning of June? No, definitely the end of May.”
“And we're now heading into July.”
“So?”
“So that means that the chances are slim, even though it is still possible. It all depends on what your cycles are normally like.”
“Screwed up and unpredictable.”
“Just like their owner.” She grinned. All I could do was roll my eyes and try to hide the small nervous smirk that was trying to break free.
“Doesn't the tone of my voice tell you anything?”
“Can't blame a girl for trying to make her knocked up bestie smile.”
My hands found my hair again, digging into the scalp as I tensed at the elbow and let out a growl of frustration. “Sammy, I can’t have a baby. I can barely take care of myself, and Alex is… well, he’s no better than I am. What the hell am I going to do?”
Sammy's hands fell away from me, and by the time I'd let my body relax again and looked up at her, she was once again sitting on the edge of the bed.
“There's only one thing you can do.” I stared at her blankly. “You have to wait.”
My eyes closed again without thought, and the tension in my body poured out as I stood there quietly, trying not to panic over our plan, or lack thereof. “Wait,” I repeated.
“If Mother Nature doesn't make an appearance within a week, I'll buy you a test, and we'll figure the rest out when it's time.”
“Okay.” I nodded in defeat, not really sure what else I could do before I walked over to her bed and fell in place by her side.
Sammy was one of the most loyal, beautiful people I'd ever known, and just knowing she was on my side gave me more strength than she realised. Her protective instincts kicked in and her arm wrapped itself around me, pulling me closer until my head hit her shoulder.
“Everything's going to be okay, Nat.”
“Is it?”
“You bet your life on it.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because of the fairy tale. This is just your blip. Every story has one.”
My smile was small but I could not have loved her more for being the one to bring it out, not even if she'd have been able to hand me a negative pregnancy test there and then.
Just as I was about to thank her, the sound of footsteps outside her room had the two of us turning around to face the door.
“What the–”
It flew open in a rush, and a tall, stocky figure burst through, his arms in the air as he flicked his overgrown curly black hair away from his eyes.
“Honey, I’m home!” he bellowed like he owned the place.
Sammy inhaled sharply, her squeal of excitement bursting free before she pushed herself off the bed and went to throw her whole body around the man in the doorway.
“Marcus, you’re back!”
Marcus? The last time I had seen Sammy’s older brother had been two years earlier, right before he left for university, and he was forty percent shorter back then and a lot less muscular. My scowl of confusion was firmly fixed in place, but so was my smile as I watched the two of them embrace one another.
Sammy had always idolised Marcus. He was where she got her snarky side from and you only ever used to have to see them walking side by side to see the adoration in her eyes as she looked up at him, copying everything he did, including that silly swagger he used to have when he was a skinny, little runt of a kid.
It was almost hard to believe that the boy I remembered then and the man standing before me now were the same person.
Marcus spun his sister around, his grunt of laughter falling free as he finally set her feet back down on the floor and rubbed the top of her head a little patronisingly.
“You missed me, sis?”
“Have I missed you?” she asked, slapping his chest with feigned annoyance. “Why would I miss you? I mean, you’re only my older brother. You never call, you never write, not even a sodding email or a response to all the funny meme pictures I send you on Facebook. No. I haven’t missed you. Not one bit.”
“I see someone’s sarcastic streak is as alive as ever.�
�� He smirked, pulling away before crossing his arms over his very defined chest and scanning his little sister from head to toe. “And you’ve fucking grown! Shit.”
“Two inches.” She picked up the edges of her t-shirt and began to sway from side to side.
“And how many pounds?” He chuckled, dodging her second slap perfectly.
“Arsehole.”
“I’m kidding.” He laughed, wrapping his arm around her neck before he pulled her into his chest and ran his knuckles over the top of her head.
“Get off me. This is abuse!” Sammy cried out, her grin and lack of struggle to break free showing that she loved every second of his torment.
“Better get used to it, sis. You’ve got eight weeks of this shit to put up with from me.”
“Eight weeks?” Even though her head was tipped down, you could see her eyes light up with excitement.
“Yep.”
“You’re home for the whole holidays?”
“Yep.”
Finally managing to break away, she jumped back, blew her hair out of her face and tried to catch her breath. “What happened to Thailand? I thought you were travelling with some friend before going back to your third year at uni?”
Marcus planted his hands on his hips, expanding every muscle he owned from under his tight, black t-shirt. I swallowed quickly, looking away for just a moment in case he caught me staring like a fool. “I decided I’d give it a miss.”
“But why?”
“I’ve got lots of reasons, kiddo. I just don’t want to bring the cloud of doom over our reunion. You mind if we talk about it later?”
“Women problems?”
“Something like that.”
“Are you okay?” Sammy asked quietly, all humour disappearing quickly as she took a step forward, causing me to glance up cautiously from the corner of my eyes.
“Better than ever.”
“Then we can talk about it later,” she agreed, the smile she was wearing not doing anything to cover up the hint of worry in her voice. My poor best friend – she was having the weight of the world dropped at her feet by the two people in her life who should have been doing everything in their power to protect her from it.
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