My hair fell forward into my face, forcing me to push it back behind my ear during their moment of silence. The movement of my body forced the bed to creak beneath me, and my arm froze in place. I wasn’t sure why. I knew Marcus from growing up around Sammy, albeit from a distance, but I knew him all the same. I guess I just felt like I was intruding on something I shouldn’t have been a part of.
“Bollocks, sorry,” he muttered, “I didn’t see you there.”
My brows rose before I turned to him and pressed my lips together, offering him a lifeless smile while I remained mute like the idiot I didn’t want to be.
Marcus narrowed his green eyes on me, the confusion swirling in them matching my own as I tried to hold his gaze. But it was too much. The obvious scrutiny I was under caused my head to dip instantly as my mind flew into a panic. Could he see what I was trying to hide – the ex-virgin girl that could possibly be about to become just another teenage pregnancy statistic? My arms wanted to curl around my stomach protectively, but I kept them in my lap instead.
“Have we met?” he eventually pushed out.
I opened my mouth to speak, but Sammy beat me to it. “Don’t be a moron, Marcus.” She laughed, forcing me to look up at them both while I just sat back and watched their exchange.
“What?” he asked, turning his attention back to her briefly, but I could feel his stares every time his eyes flickered my way. “I’m being serious. She looks familiar.”
Sammy rolled her eyes. “You know damn well who it is. It’s Nat.”
“Nat?” His eyes widened and when he unleashed them on me with full force, I wondered just how much I’d changed in two years for him to not recognise me anymore. “As in, Natalie Vincent? Little Nat who never speaks?”
My defences shot up immediately, and I turned my body in his direction. I was about to argue that I did, in fact, speak all the time, but the reality was that I’d been sitting there as quiet as a mouse since he arrived, and he hadn’t even noticed my presence, which somehow said it all. I was proving him right, and that really got under my skin.
“Hey, Marcus,” I said pathetically, cringing at the sound of my own croaky voice.
“Now she speaks,” Sammy said through a cocky smirk, folding her arms over her chest.
“I hear her.” He paused, and his smile began to grow. “I see her, too.”
No one said anything for a while. All I could do was return his smile and wait it out, but when the tension grew and the awkwardness refused to shift, I took that as my cue to leave. He had come home to see his family and his sister, and it was only fair that I let Sammy enjoy her time with him when it came about so rarely.
Pushing up from the bed, I leaned awkwardly to one side, effectively cutting Marcus off from my view as I looked up into Sammy’s eyes. “I’m gonna take off. I have things to… do.”
Her hands reached up to my arms as she gave me that look of hers – the one that she’d been giving me far too much over the last few years. “I’ll call you later, okay? This conversation isn’t over.”
I smiled at her and threw in an out of place, lazy wink. “I didn’t expect to get off that lightly.”
“You know me well.”
“Thanks for everything,” I whispered before I leaned in to give her a hug and squeezed her tight. I could feel her desperation to help me in her hold, and I knew that my phone would be ringing off the hook now until I… we… had some answers.
When we parted, I turned to leave, only to find a wall of Marcus blocking my path. My body almost stumbled right into his, but I somehow managed to hold myself back. He was standing with his arms across his chest once again, and I was forced to look up at him when we both sidestepped in the same direction four times in an attempt to go past one another.
“Sorry,” I mumbled.
“Don’t be.” He smirked.
I finally slipped past him all at once, keeping my head firmly down as I made my way out of Sammy’s house and began the walk home.
There were too many thoughts dancing around in my mind when I finally got outside and sucked in the close summer air. My stomach swirled with all the conflicting emotions I couldn’t get control of, and I was starting to feel a little motion sickness, like my life was riding on one big ship and the waves beneath me were getting wilder and wilder.
Even in those moments of such chaotic uncertainty, my only real concern was Alex.
I wondered where he was that day.
I hoped that he was safe.
Reaching around to the phone in the back pocket of my jeans, I pulled it out and looked down at the screen as I walked. My fingers brushed over it until I’d found his name and number staring up at me invitingly. All I wanted to do was phone him, hear his voice and speak freely, the way we used to before everything got so messed up. I wanted to tell him how I’d struggled to even tie my own shoelaces that morning. I wanted to make him laugh with stories of things my father had said at the dinner table, and I wanted to let him know that my mother kept asking after him, the way she always had done.
But his name didn’t look as simple as it used to. He was no longer Alex, my friend. Now he was Alex who owned half of my heart, and if I was being honest with myself, I’d known all along that the first Alex had never truly existed. His friendship had never been what I’d wanted. He’d made his way into my veins from the moment ‘I promised I’d make sure you got home okay’ slipped out of his mouth.
As I glanced up at the sky and squinted against the bright blue, I let out a sigh that held the weight of the world in it and pushed my phone back into the pocket of my jeans.
Today it was time to make sure I got home okay all by myself.
EIGHTEEN
It had been two weeks since I’d slept with Alex. Two weeks of uncertainty over what my future held, if anything at all. I’d been back and forth with my emotions – how I would cope if I was pregnant with Alex’s child – but I never allowed myself to dwell on that thought for too long. I was back in the tunnel I’d been in after Elizabeth passed. Classes went by in a blur, people spoke to me and I smiled accordingly, but I didn’t really hear anything anyone was saying. Only Sammy could get through to me. Her phone calls and texts always seemed to come at the exact moment I needed them. When the panic was slowly setting in and my chest became tight, I’d look down at my phone to see some bad joke, funny picture or just a simple: ‘I love you :)’ with her name across the top of it.
Each day, however, she was starting to lose a little more patience with me. I was finding excuses not to take the test, and after hours and hours of over-analysing every single thought I had, I began to realise what I was struggling with. The finality of it all was too much.
I was clinging on to hope, wanting Alex in my life in some capacity, even if it was under less than perfect circumstances. I was becoming one of those women I despised. The ones who wondered if a child could, in fact, bring two people closer together.
I was lame and pitiful.
Desperate.
It was that single, fleeting thought that was searing holes in every crease of my brain as I finally made my way to our family bathroom with a pregnancy test in my hand. I was alone. I wasn’t sure if I could handle anyone around to see my face the moment my fate was determined by either one line or two. If I had failed to believe my own lies of being okay, how could I ever expect anyone else to believe them?
I didn't look at the stick while I waited three minutes for it to change colour. I was numb, standing in front of the bathroom mirror, staring back into my own ghostly, glazed eyes.
I wanted my sister.
That’s all I wanted. Just one hour of her time, a few words of reassurance and for her to pass on some of that strength she had in abundance. If she always knew my future, as my mum had claimed, I needed her to tell me that everything would be okay. I didn’t feel so strong compared to her. I was the weaker of the siblings. She was the fort, the guard, the whole goddamn army. I was the pitiful princess pining in the tower. W
as that to be my fairy tale? Was Sammy just being incredibly optimistic to think I could be anything more than what I already was?
There wasn’t much time left to think about it. My phone chimed as my three-minute countdown came to an end. A shiver of dread ran down my spine as I turned and stared at the pregnancy test sat on top of the toilet. For something so small, it seemed terrifying. I was terrified.
As though an invisible force was pressing its hand into the small of my back, I moved slowly towards it, dragging out each step as the fear created a lump high in my throat that felt like it was choking me. The closer I got, the harder my heart fought to break free from my chest, until there was nowhere else for me to go and I was finally staring at the result.
My fate was right in front of me.
My future.
My answer.
The sharp intake of breath got caught in my throat, one hand flying to my stomach, the other pressing hard against my chest, as my entire body broke out in goosebumps.
*******
“Is he here?” I asked Sammy as I looked around nervously. That night apparently felt warm to everyone else, but I was cold, unable to shake the bumps on my flesh away, and I was panicking.
“Nat, you look like you’re part of a gang. What’s with the hood up?”
“I didn’t want him to see me straight away and get spooked. I need to get this over with. Where is he?”
Sammy reached out to rub the tops of my arms while my legs jiggled frantically on the spot. “He’s somewhere. I’ve already seen him.”
“I can’t believe he’s out tonight. I don’t understand. It’s like he knew...”
“That’s why I called you and told you to get down here fast. You might not get another chance like this. Who knows how long it’ll be before he goes into hiding again?”
I bounced on my toes even harder. “Thank you.”
“But you need to stay calm.”
“I am calm.”
“You’re shaking.”
“That’s the cold.”
“Keep telling yourself that crap and you'll start believing it.”
I blew all the air out of my cheeks and folded my arms across my chest before I plucked up enough courage to look into her eyes. She was one of those friends I just couldn’t lie to. No amount of talk would ever convince her that I was going to be okay. It was as though she had a way of peering into my soul and seeing into the darkest corners to collect all my innermost thoughts. Some days I was grateful for that skill of hers. Today wasn’t one of them.
“I’ll be okay once I’ve spoken to him. I just need to get it out there and let him know.”
“Then what?”
“Nothing,” I said quickly. “I have no plans after that. What he thinks or what he wants to do about it is entirely up to him.”
Her pause made me even more nervous, so I did the only thing I could do to fill the void, and I began to look around the park where Alex and I had once laid on our backs and had one of the most intimate moments of our time together. It hurt to remember, but only because I wished more than anything that we could be that way again.
“I’m worried about you,” Sammy whispered.
“I know.” I smiled softly, turning back to her. “But I got this, Sam. I promise you. I know what I have to do and I’m not as weak as I look.”
“Oh, how you misinterpret the way I see you.”
I was just about to ask her what she meant when the sound of Paul Harris’ voice filled the air once again. It seemed he was the Hugh Hefner of our local village. Wherever he went, a hoard of women followed, but it was always my friend Suzie who was hanging from his arm with a huge grin creeping into her cheeks.
I closed my eyes as soon as I heard the crowd drawing closer. I had no idea what to expect, except the unexpected. There were a million and one questions flying around in my head. Why was he out tonight? Why was he avoiding me? Why hadn’t he responded to the email I’d sent him, asking him if we could talk? But none of that mattered now, and as the butterflies in my stomach began to wrestle over one another once more, I closed my eyes and curled my arms around my body again, pulling myself in tighter as I tried to gather some strength.
“He’s here,” Sammy mumbled so only I could hear.
My exhale was painful as I steeled myself and straightened up. With the hood of my jumper covering my hair, I doubted he would know it was me until it was too late.
I wanted to wait until I could pick out his voice, but I should have known better. Alex wasn’t much of a talker in the crowd. That was left to his other friends and, more obviously tonight, the women that followed them all.
“Where did you run off to?” Paul shouted at Sammy while I kept my back on all of them. “We’ve been waiting ages. There’s a pint over the road with my name on it.”
“Just had to pick up a friend,” she answered proudly, her hands reaching up to my body as she began to guide me around to face them all.
I moved slowly. Almost too slowly. It made me look guilty without reason. Lifting my head, I sucked in a breath and glanced around the group of people in front of me. It didn’t take me long at all to pick him out from the crowd, even though he was right at the back. The magnetism I’d always felt towards him was still there, now more than ever.
The sight of him sent a pang to my chest. I recognised that feeling now. It was desire. It was need. It was love, too.
“Nat!” Suzie cried, releasing herself from Paul before she bounced closer and threw her arms around my neck.
“Hi.” I laughed with a grunt. “Thought I’d crash the party.”
“‘Bout fucking time,” she muttered through a giggle before she released me. “You coming to the pub with us?”
“I don’t think so.”
Pressing my lips together in a flat line, I waited for the rest of the group to draw closer. Once they were all standing in front of me, I tried to take a step back but was immediately held in place by Sammy. The single look she flashed me was my warning.
Hold your head up high. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Now is your time.
Lifting my head, I puffed out my chest and tried to appear confident.
“Actually, I came here to talk to Alex.” The muttering of the crowd wasn’t subtle at all and the tension just grew thicker and thicker until I had no choice but to glance Alex’s way and smile gently at him. “It won’t take a minute.”
The boy who was staring back at me wasn’t the boy I’d come to know for all these months, and from just one look alone, I was starting to wonder if I was doing the right thing by being there. Opening my mouth to speak and add something else, I was quickly forced to close it again when he turned his attention away from me and leaned in towards a girl by his side. A girl I recognised from school as Bronwyn Chamberlin.
I didn’t mean to look so startled, but as I watched them whispering to each other – her frowning and muttering in his ear while he obviously tried to soothe her worries – I was certain someone had just stuck a knife into my stomach and was currently twisting it around.
My eyes flickered to Paul, who was looking at me apologetically.
What the hell was happening?
Moving quickly, Paul picked me up in his arms out of nowhere and spun me around. His face was bright as he grinned up at me and spoke loud enough for everyone to hear.
“Definitely getting sexier, hot stuff.”
“For fucks sake, Harris. Leave the girl alone,” Suzie chimed playfully.
Leaning in close as he put me back on my own two feet again, he dropped his eyes to mine and whispered, “Keep smiling. It pisses the other girls off. Especially Bronwyn fucking Chamberlin.” With a departing wink, he kissed me on the forehead and bounced back to the main woman in his life. “All finished, baby. Let's leave these kids in peace.” Throwing his arm around her shoulder, he signalled to the others behind him to keep on moving and before long, everyone else was walking away until it was just Alex and me, alone… with an ocean of spac
e between us.
Glancing up at him, I took him in for as long as I could. Black jeans, black t-shirt and that brown leather jacket of his that I loved so much only made him look more perfect than my memory served to remember him.
“I prefer you when you’re smiling,” I admitted quietly before taking a few steps closer.
Alex didn’t speak. His eyes were trained on me like I was about to attack him. I could almost imagine the way his fingers were curling into fists inside the pockets of his jeans.
When I finally got close enough, I had to force myself to keep staring into his eyes.
“Hey, Alex.”
“Natalie,” he mumbled.
“So you’re back on the social scene, I take it?”
“Not really.”
“You’re out, aren’t you?”
“It seemed like a good idea earlier.”
“And now?”
“That depends on why you’re here.” He breathed out heavily like he had just deposited a chunk of his world on the floor, but he still had eight more planets of tension to rid himself of.
“Am I really so bad?” I dared myself to ask, pulling my brows together carefully.
“It just isn’t a good idea–”
“Save it.” I sighed a little too harshly. “I think I got that part the last few times you warned me off.” Looking down at my feet, I swallowed all my fears and found an ounce of determination, or maybe it was just pride, from somewhere deep inside.
“You look…” he whispered as he tilted his head to one side, and for just a small moment, I thought I saw a hint of my old Alex there. I thought I saw the concern, the warmth, the boy who’d cast me under his spell and was refusing to let me go. But in the blink of an eye, it disappeared, and he’d corrected himself once more. “Nervous.”
“I am nervous,” I admitted.
“Why?”
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