Natexus

by Victoria L. James

  “He doesn’t want you, you know?” she squeaked. “He’s with me now.”

  “Brilliant.”

  “Nobody ever understood why he spent so much time with you. He’s always deserved better.”

  “Is that so?”

  “That is so, so.”

  A weird feeling of strength washed over me when I closed my eyes and saw Lizzy standing there. She was with me, even though she wasn’t, and that was all I needed. Opening my eyes once more, I glanced at Alex only to see him staring down at the floor. When I looked back at Bronwyn, I began to laugh, albeit weakly. “You think we’re different, you and I? Tell me what’s so different, Bronwyn. You have a heart. I have a heart. You bleed the same way I do. You cry tears, too, I’ll bet. Don’t think that just because the wrapping paper God dressed you up in is shinier than mine, that it makes you better than me. ‘Cause it doesn’t.”

  “I don’t even understand what you just said.”

  “Surprising,” I muttered.

  “But I do know one thing.”

  “And I’m sure that makes your parents feel like they failed just a little bit less.”

  “I am nothing like you. I could never allow myself to be so… so…”

  “So?” I asked, raising a brow.

  “So fucking… desperate.”

  “Desperate?”

  “You make me cringe, Natalie.”

  “Desperate?” I repeated a little louder.

  “Nat,” Alex whispered beside me, but all my attention was on her as I moved closer towards poison. Bronwyn took a small step backwards – one I clearly wasn’t meant to see as her attention flickered to Alex before returning to me.

  “You think I’m desperate because I dare to show my feelings? You think I’m desperate because I don’t play games? Because I’m not afraid to tell Alex how important he is to me?”

  “Natalie!”

  “Shut the fuck up, Alex!” I snapped, still staring into Bronwyn’s eyes. My body trembled with an anger I’d been trying to hide for far too long – an anger at the entire world. “Let me tell you a few things I learned a long time ago. I learned not to care if I fit in. I learned not to care how I was perceived by the narrow-minded people of the world – the ones who like to cast judgements on others, simply because they don’t have the guts to enjoy the glory of being their true selves. I learned that if I love someone, it’s okay for me to tell them. I should tell them. I should tell them every damn day how I feel in case there is no tomorrow.

  “I learned too much is never, ever enough for the right person, because it’s better to live and get hurt than to just exist and feel nothing at all. I’m still learning that. I learned that I’m probably at my strongest when I’m at my absolute weakest, like right now, and that’s a-o-fucking-kay. I learned what true desperation is the hard way, and trust me, it has nothing to do with pining over a boy or hoping that he will choose me. It isn’t even close. Being unafraid of rejection, begging someone to love you like you love them isn’t desperate, you stupid girl. It’s hopeful. It’s passionate. You know what? It’s fucking brave!”

  I stopped to take a breath, straightening myself up while also trying to calm the trembling of my limbs.

  “You want to know what real desperation is? It’s watching a good soul die too soon and clinging onto its fingertips for as long as you possibly can, just so you can still feel its warmth on your hands. Desperation is watching the rise and fall of their chest through the sea of tears in your eyes and begging – and I mean really, truly begging – the afterlife to take you instead.” I somehow managed to look at Alex again, and it was as if certain pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place for me. The clouds were starting to part, and with every word I dumped to the floor, a weight got taken from my shoulders. “Desperation is seeing a good person get beaten down by life and not knowing a way to save them because they don’t want to save themselves. It’s a feeling of helplessness, or not being of any use, of not knowing what the fuck to do.”

  He didn’t look at me, but I somehow felt his response. The small shuffle of his feet and the usual tensing of his jaw as he stared at the floor said it all. I should have chosen that moment to leave, but I didn’t. Instead, I turned back to Bronwyn and took my final step closer. I needed her to see the certainty in my eyes. I needed her to know there were bigger things in life to worry about than her.

  “Don’t you dare talk to me about desperation. You throw that emotion around like a harmless insult, but you have no idea how deep it cuts. You use it against women you see as weaker, just to make yourself feel stronger, to be part of a crowd, a gang of girls who wouldn’t know the meaning of true love, not even if it waved its palm in their faces and hit them up the side of the head with a definition. But, you see, where you go wrong is that you actually believe I give a shit. When you try to insult me, it doesn’t work. It will never work because your opinion of me is irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Your words bear no weight in my mind because it will never change the cold, hard facts. And the truth is that, yes, I love Alex. So what? There’s a history between us that only we understand. He saved me when it felt like no one else could, but if he doesn’t love me in return, that’s his prerogative. It doesn’t dilute my feelings for him or make them any less real. I may be young, and in some people’s eyes I may be foolish, but I’m suddenly past caring what is right and what is wrong. Playing safe hasn’t got me anywhere in my life yet, and from the looks of things, it sure as hell isn’t going to get me anywhere in the future. So screw you, Bronwyn. Screw your judgement. Screw your lack of fucking self-respect, and screw you for even attempting to make me feel wrong about something that I know to be right, deep down in my heart.”

  Alex’s intake of breath was the only thing that seemed to cut through the tension, besides the music in the club, and as I remained standing there, looking down on someone who probably didn’t deserve my aggression, I knew that it was time to leave.

  I’d made my feelings clear and so had he.

  All our cards were laid out on the table.

  The only thing to do now was walk away and move on.

  So that’s exactly what I did. The walking away was easy. The moving on, however… that was always going to be hard. Not just that night, but forever.

  TWENTY-THREE

  The flashes of orange and yellow from the streetlights cast shadows on every surface inside the taxi, especially Marcus’ face. He sat opposite me on the pull out seat in the back of the black cab I’d run in front of, forcing it to a stop. Apparently, I’d been a little erratic in my escape, and even though he had been elsewhere with his friends, the minute he’d seen me, Marcus had chased after me, unprepared to let me leave alone. I hadn’t had the energy to argue. I had no energy left for anything, not even tears.

  The silence in the back of the cab was so thick it felt like a knife would have trouble slicing through it. Marcus was staring at me, I was focusing on the outside world, and the taxi driver just looked bored.

  Growing up, I’d always heard the age-old saying: ‘If you love somebody, you set them free.’

  If

  You

  Love

  Somebody

  You

  Set

  Them

  Free.

  And here I was, setting free the man I loved limitlessly. It was the only thing I could do. I couldn’t force him to be with someone he didn’t want to be with, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t miss him. It didn’t mean I didn’t miss him already. Without him, I felt alone no matter who was around me, and I had no real idea how that was possible, given I’d existed so long without him in my life. Had he filled the giant hole in my life that Lizzy left behind when she died? I wasn’t sure. But still, I knew that from the moment I walked away from him, the future was going to have to be about rebuilding myself, my soul, and my confidence. It was something I was willing to do. I would go through all the pain I had to. I would leave the good behind and take on the bad. I would do it all
for him. He’d done so much good for me, despite the recent changes in him.

  My thoughts were interrupted as our taxi hit a speed bump, forcing our bodies to sway and my head to rock too close to the window. The disturbance of the silence had me sneaking a glance at Marcus, and when I looked into his eyes, I saw a seriousness there that could have been a little intimidating, if only I’d had enough energy to care.

  “You should have stayed at the club,” I said through dry, barely moving lips.

  He didn’t respond straight away, and as the cab turned a corner and the colours of the night shone across his face once again, I was forced to take in every strong line on his jaw, every crease around his eyes, along with the worry that lived there, too.

  “Fuck the club,” he answered quietly.

  I managed a weak, half-smile before I turned away and looked back out through the window. It was easier that way. Blocking out the disbelief and panic in my mind was easier when I focused on other, unimportant things, like trees, or drunk people stumbling down the streets of Leeds.

  “Sammy’s friends told me what happened before you marched off to find Alex,” he admitted.

  “You got his name right. That’s refreshing,” I whispered.

  “I have other names for him.”

  “Don’t,” I pleaded almost silently. There was no way I was going to admit that I had other names for him, too, but hating him was only ever going to make everything harder. I was aiming for indifference and I was already failing. I dropped my eyes to my lap and watched as I twisted my fingers into knots just for something to do. “Alex isn’t a bad guy, Marcus. I need you to know that. He saved me.”

  “And then he broke you again.”

  “I’m not just some idiot with a teenage crush, even though I know that would be easier for everyone to understand. He means more than that.”

  “One thing I would never call you is an idiot, Natalie.”

  I allowed myself to look up at him again, and when his eyes searched mine, I saw the concern staring back at me. I saw it and I felt it hit me square in the chest. “Why are you so nice to me?”

  “I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I don’t see a reason to be anything other than nice to you.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Is there anything I can do to help?”

  “No,” I told him with a small shake of my head. “It’s over.”

  “And you got all the answers you needed?”

  “Not really. Not even close, but what more can I do?”

  Marcus’ jaw set tight, and before he leaned over, he brought his hands together to hang in between his parted legs. The colour of his eyes seemed to pop when he looked up at me through his dark, heavy lashes. “I’m going to tell you something that not even my little sister knows. I’ve been where you are, Nat. Recently, too. I’ve been there, and I know how it feels to get shit on from a great height. I know all about that frustration, that need to make things right, and how the confusion is burning you alive. It’s making you numb on the outside, but inside, you’re on fire, aren’t you? You’re at war with yourself and the noise of it all is growing louder by the second. That will always be there unless you get closure. It won’t just go away because he’s told you to stop feeling something for him. You want my honest opinion? If you want to have any hope of walking away from this with your head held high, if you want any chance of starting a new life without Alex being in it, make sure you’ve exhausted all avenues and got all the answers you can get before you cut him off. Otherwise, you’ll spend your whole life unhappy, wondering if there was something else you could have done. I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine anything worse than a lifetime of what ifs.”

  “Is that what you did, Marcus? Exhausted all avenues when it happened to you?”

  “I like to think I did all I could do. She might disagree.”

  “She?”

  “... Isn’t important anymore.”

  I smiled with sadness. “Then why do you look like you’re in as much pain as I am?”

  “Old ghosts and bad memories, I guess.”

  “I’m sorry you got hurt.”

  “I’m sorry for you, too. You’ve got to dig deep now.”

  “What more can I do?” I whispered as my brows creased together. “Alex won’t talk to me. He just says we can’t be together.”

  “For what reason?”

  “I can’t be certain – not one hundred percent.”

  “Then you need to think a little harder.”

  I paused and bit down on my lip in concentration. The entire conversation I’d had with Alex tonight replayed in my mind, along with all the other things he’d said and done in recent weeks. Everything changed the night I stood up to his father, and I knew, deep down, his mother was playing a part in this. I just couldn’t connect all the dots to figure out what could be so scary about two people loving each other with all that they had. I couldn’t figure out what was so wrong about loving a man so much that you’d fight a dragon for him. Not unless…

  My lips parted slowly, and I blinked up at Marcus. “Do you mind if we take a detour?”

  “Back to Alex?”

  “No.” I gripped the door handle and scooted to the edge of my seat. “No, there’s someone else I need to speak to.”

  “And when that’s done?”

  Staring straight into his eyes, I answered him with all the conviction and fear that I truly felt in my heart. “Then I walk away forever.”

  “Just like that?”

  “It’s my last avenue. Once I’ve reached the end of it, the only place left to go is home.”

  Marcus’ hand flew back to tap the clear screen that created a barrier between the taxi driver and us, but Marcus never took his eyes from me when he spoke. “We need to make a pit stop, mate. The lady will tell you where she needs to go.”

  *******

  I couldn’t believe I was standing where I was. The alcohol had something to do with the bravery, of that I was positive, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t feel the trembling of my hands and knees as I stared at the door. It was late – too late to be doing what I was doing. Unfortunately for me, and for them, I was all out of other options.

  My knock was short and sharp, and as soon as it was done, I took a step back and looked down at the ground. My hands found idle work to keep them occupied in the form of brushing away imaginary dirt from the fanned out section of my dress. Lizzy’s dress. It was like she was hugging me with her old fabric and holding my hands when she wasn’t even here. It was that thought that drove my fingers into the material until I was standing there gripping and squeezing the dress tightly.

  The sound of the key turning slowly in the door had me swallowing quickly, and when the light poured out onto the pathway where I was standing, I allowed myself to look up and take them in.

  It was a while before either one of us spoke, but the confusion on her face was obvious as she pulled the sash around her robe to make it a little tighter.

  “What are you doing here?” she croaked, her scowl immediate as her face paled.

  “Mrs. Law.”

  “Do you have any idea what time it is?”

  “I do, and I’m sorry about tha–”

  Stepping forward, she glanced outside frantically, her head turning left then right, then left again until she’d scanned the whole street and her eyes finally settled on the black cab behind me – the one Marcus was sitting in patiently waiting, despite his protestations about coming and holding my hand for support.

  “Why are you here?” she snapped. “Is it Alex? Is my son hurt?”

  “No, no, Mrs. Law. It’s nothing like that. Alex is fine. He’s…”

  Her eyes shot back to mine before she began to study them, and I wondered if she could see the hurt pouring out of my face as I struggled to find the right words to say.

  “He’s what?”

  My sigh was filled with sorrow and regret. “He’s safe. He’s out having... fun.”

/>   “Then why on earth are you here? You of all people shouldn’t be here. You need to leave.”

  “And I will.” I nodded slowly. “I will. I just need to know something before I walk away for good.”

  “What could you possibly have to ask me?” she said in a hushed voice as she leaned forward. It didn’t take an expert in domestic abuse to know that she was living on the edge of her nerves, and here I was, possibly putting her in danger all over again… just like last time. Just like before.

  Another reason for Alex to turn me away.

  Scrunching my face up at the pain I was finally allowing myself to feel, I tilted my head to one side. “Why are you leaving? Why are you taking him away? Is it because of me? Because of what I did that day?”

  Beatrice’s mouth fell in surprise, and I thought she was about to slam the door in my face and that was going to be that. But then something happened. Something I wasn’t expecting to see shone back at me and it was an emotion I’d previously hated, but now somehow found comfort in.

  It was pity, and it was understanding.

  She took a moment to look back over her shoulder to check inside the house before she eventually took a step outside and came closer towards me, pulling the door closed behind her so only a slither of light drew a battle line between the two of us.

  Beatrice swallowed a couple of times before she wrapped her arms around her body and held onto herself for support.

  “It’s Natalie, isn’t it?” she asked carefully.

  “Yes.”

  “Are you in love with my son, Natalie?”

  “Yes.”

  “I can see. I see how much trouble you’re having with that. Some love, no matter how beautiful, can be agonising. Alex sees your struggle, too.”

  “I haven’t tried to hide it from him, Mrs. Law. I may be young and stupid, and I may speak before I think things through sometimes, but I have good intentions, and I only want the best for your son, whether that’s with or without me. If you’re taking him away because of me, you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to disrupt his life.”