Natexus

by Victoria L. James

  “He loved you, Natalie. He loved you like I loved his mother, only purer, without any hint of selfishness. He loved you enough to quit you.”

  “Stop it,” I growled quietly.

  “He loved you with every part of his body, and I believe… I believe he still loves you now.”

  “I can’t listen to this,” I choked out, refusing to look back at him or be pulled into the past all over again. I wasn’t strong enough. I never had been.

  “He’s tried to get over you. He’s had so many women come and go, so many girlfriends have turned up at our door. You looked like all of them.”

  “Stop. Please, stop.”

  “Why do you think he’s back here? Has he told you it’s for my benefit? So I can get help? Does he really believe the lies he tells himself? No. He’s here because of you. He still loves you.”

  “I’m leaving.”

  “He still loves you now,” he repeated, and that’s when my feet began to move quickly. Without even thinking about Nicholas, Alex or how either of them would feel, I ran through the corridors of the hospital as quickly as I could, my tears falling behind me as I did, and the echoes of Nicholas’ voice ringing out down the halls as though it was being fed through every speaker in the building.

  He still loves you now.

  He still loves you now.

  He still loves you now.

  He still loves you now.

  THIRTY-TWO

  Marcus’ hands found both sides of my temple, and when his thumbs began to massage there slowly, I couldn’t help the groan that escaped the back of my throat. It always felt so nice when he did this. Marcus had the comfiest sofa ever, one that made me drop my head back against it as soon as I sat down, close my eyes and let my body melt into the cushions. Whenever he caught me that way, he would sneak up behind me, drop a kiss to my forehead and begin to work his magic.

  “Still stressed?”

  “A little,” I mumbled, reluctant to speak as I got lost in the therapy of his touch.

  “I hate that.”

  “You have no idea how much you help,” I told him truthfully.

  It had been two days since I’d fled the hospital with no dignity left inside me at all. Two days since I’d heard Alex’s father’s confession, and two days since I’d last been able to eat properly. The moment I’d got home that night, I’d once again dropped my body into Marcus’ lap and told him what had happened at work that morning.

  I told him everything from the moment Nicholas walked through the doors more drunk than ever. I told him how it hadn’t been Beatrice who had been with him the first time he’d turned up at the centre, but it had, in fact, been Alex. I confessed that I was scared how he’d react. I even told him all the details of the ordeal at the hospital; right up to the point where Alex met me at the reception before we both went to make sure his father was okay. The rest? The rest I couldn’t bear to say out loud. I couldn’t see the pain in Marcus’ eyes if I were to admit what words had been exchanged between the three of us in that hospital room. I could never tell him of the conflicting emotions that had been resting in me ever since. In some sick, twisted way, I thought I was protecting Marcus, but I knew I was protecting myself, too.

  “Any news on how Alex’s dad is doing?” he asked me, bringing his lips down to my forehead once again.

  I shook my head slowly, taking him with me when I moved before I opened my eyes and stared up at him. “Nothing since yesterday. I’m letting Barbara check up on him now.”

  “You know I don’t mind if you want to go and see them both again.”

  “I know.” I smiled sadly, and it was the truth. I did know. Marcus had an ability that went way beyond his twenty-five years, to be able to feel anything but jealousy when it came to my past. He seemed so confident in our future together, that anything that happened before us was just something he should be thankful for, for getting us to a point where we came back into each other’s lives again. It was admirable, it was swoon-worthy at times, but it was also slightly irritating. Him being so reasonable and understanding about everything made it all the more impossible for me to stay away from the very things I needed to stay away from. “I just don’t think it’s appropriate, that’s all. I’m not in their lives anymore.”

  “You don’t want to stay friends?”

  “No,” I croaked, clearing my throat quickly and pulling my head up until I was sitting upright once again. “No, that’s not a good idea.”

  “Maybe not.”

  “Definitely not.”

  “As long as you know it isn’t me that’s stopping that from happening, okay?”

  “I got it.” I smiled flatly, bringing my knees up to my chest to hug them, watching him as he made his way around the sofa to come and sit beside me. Marcus was dressed in jeans and a plain grey t-shirt, and his messy hair was still wet from his shower, but he never looked more gorgeous to me than he did then.

  I studied the lines of his face, and I saw the quiet strength that sat there. He was so sure of everything and everyone around him. His confidence never wavered, and he wasn’t one to get overly angry at events that went on around him. In a crisis, everything could be solved with a well-timed joke or a humorous observation. He had the world in his pocket, and the world loved him for it. He was perfect.

  Almost too perfect.

  What I couldn’t understand was why that seemed to niggle me so much.

  There wasn’t enough time to analyse it. My phone buzzed beside me, the ringtone blaring out and pulling my attention away from him. As soon as I saw Suzie’s name flashing at me, I couldn’t help but grin, quickly swiping across the screen to answer.

  “Suzie!” I cried out, sounding way too screechy to seem normal.

  The line crackled for a while until I could hear her properly.

  “Nat? Jesus Christ, I can’t hear a fucking thing,” she grumbled, her voice drifting away for a brief moment, as though she was a mile away from the receiver. “Paul? Paul, what the hell is going on with this? I can’t hear her.”

  “Suzie, I’m here. I can hear you!” I shouted, scrunching my eyes together like that would help her out.

  “Just put it to your ear, babe,” Paul reassured her in the background.

  “Where do you think I have it? Against my arse?”

  “Please don’t talk to me about your arse. Nat doesn’t need to hear me getting horny.” Paul growled, his humour drowning his voice until he sounded closer. “Here, let me try.”

  “Hello?” I said as clearly as I could.

  “Hey, beautiful,” Paul’s voice cooed down the phone.

  “Hey, Harris,” I replied, my smile huge. Over the years, I had grown to love Paul for being exactly who he was in life and making no apologies for his personality. No matter what the situation, and despite me previously thinking he was way too much of a juvenile, Paul had shown all of us that he was a constant in all our lives. Strong, yet playful. Funny, yet reliable. “How’s things?”

  “Oh, you know, another day, another Suzie blunder to deal with. I don’t know why she said she couldn’t hear you. The line seems perfect to me.”

  “And me.” I chuckled, brushing my hair away from my face as I settled in to listen to what the two of them had to say. “Although, you don’t sound like you’re on our shores. Is that the ocean I can hear in the background?”

  “Sure is, sweetness. Doesn’t it sound amazing?”

  “Beautiful.” I sighed, wistfully. “But where are you?”

  “Paul, give me the goddamn phone back,” Suzie interrupted. “I want to tell her.”

  “Uh oh, that’s my cue to hand you back over to the boss, Nat. Let’s hope she’s removed the cotton wool from her ears in the last few seconds.”

  “What’s going on?” I asked through a slightly nervous smile. There was something off about his voice, something unsure. Something not very Paul like at all.

  “Not for me to say. Take care, hot stuff.” And with that, he was gone, leaving me confu
sed, while Suzie took the phone back from him. I didn’t miss the obvious slap Paul gave her arse as he walked away from her, or the tiny little yelp of surprise and lust that Suzie let slip, either.

  “Nat. Nat?”

  “Hey, Suze,” I answered with a small laugh. “What’s going on? Where are you guys?”

  “Oh my god, I don’t even know where to start.” She squealed.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Natalie, are you sitting down?”

  Casting a glance at Marcus, who was staring back at me with a huge smile on his face, his eyes slightly narrowed in confusion, too, I groaned cautiously down the phone. “Yeah, I’m sitting down. Why do I need to be sitting down?”

  “I have news.” Suzie was practically bouncing on the spot, I could tell, her nervous, excited energy flowing down the phone until it felt like it was going to electrocute me.

  “News? That sounds…”

  “Pregnant,” Marcus mouthed, motioning to create a bump over his stomach with both his hands while he blew out his cheeks.

  My eyes widened in shock before I heard Suzie speak again.

  “I can’t believe I’m about to tell you this, but–”

  “But…”

  “Natalie, I’m married!” she shrieked, her long, piercing scream of pure happiness shooting straight in my ear. “I’m so, so, so fucking married!”

  “Oh my god,” I whispered, slapping my hand straight across my mouth as my eyes began to pop wide open in surprise. Nothing about what she was saying made sense to me, even though they were a solid couple who had always been passionate, fiery and in love with the idea of being in love. They were also the couple you expected to fall apart six times a year before realising they couldn’t live without each other. And now they were married? Suzie continued to squeal down the phone while all my thoughts flew around in my head, jumping over one another like a mad box of frogs, all desperate to escape. “You’re married?” I gasped. “What the… I mean, how did you... I mean…”

  “I know, I know, I know,” she rushed out, unable to take a breath. I knew exactly how she felt. I was finding it hard to breathe, too. “I’m officially Mrs. Paul Harris.”

  “Married?” I repeated, not able to blink until I felt the soft brush of Marcus’ arm against my thigh. I turned to him, completely stunned, suddenly thankful that his own face didn’t mirror mine. I needed to see an emotion. I needed to steal someone else’s thoughts for a while and plaster them on my face, because nothing I was thinking or feeling was making any sense. When I saw Marcus’ smile of happiness for my friend, I couldn’t help it… I broke out into a shriek of my own. “Suzie, you’re bloody married.”

  “Can you believe it?”

  “No, but yes,” I told her honestly. “You guys are perfect for each other. I just… Wow. What a shock.”

  “I know what you’re thinking.”

  “You do? Because I have no fucking clue what is going on in my head right now.” I laughed nervously, trying to imagine how all of this had happened so suddenly.

  “Yes, you’re thinking we’re too young.”

  “You’re not too young,” I countered. “You’re never too young to be married if you’re sure that’s what you want.”

  “I’ve never wanted anything more than I want Paul,” she confessed, her giddiness becoming so infectious, I could practically feel the butterflies of their love in my own stomach like I’d stolen them for myself.

  “I’m so happy for you.” My hand pressed against my mouth once more, my eyes suddenly filling with tears of joy for my friend. “I didn’t even know you were engaged,” I mumbled from behind my hand.

  Suzie laughed again. “Well, we weren’t all that big on the idea of a long engagement. Paul proposed to me on a beach last week. We’re in Greece, by the way.”

  “Oh, how beautiful.”

  “Yeah, only he proposed with a Haribo ring while he was as drunk as a skunk on Mythos beer, so I didn’t take him seriously. It turns out he was very serious. The next morning, he woke up and asked me again to marry him. He told me he wanted to make me his, permanently, as soon as we could make it happen, so that’s what we did. We’ve spent the last few days organising things, pulling a few strings, bribing a few folk, and we got married a few hours ago. Can you believe it?”

  I shook my head, thinking she could see me. “That all sounds so…”

  “Perfect?”

  “Completely and utterly perfect,” I whispered after finally letting my hand fall into my lap. “I’m just so sad I missed seeing you guys commit to each other for life.”

  “I know, Nat. I’m sad about that, too, but we didn’t want a fuss. We just wanted to belong to each other and not let anything or anyone ever get in the way. You never know what or who is around the corner, right?”

  “Right,” I answered softly, swallowing down all my tears of joy as my thoughts drifted to a seventeen-year-old Alex looking down into the eyes of a seventeen-year-old me and asking me to walk away. “I wish you guys a lifetime of happiness together. I wish I could hug you right now.”

  “You won’t have to wait long.”

  “You’re coming home?”

  “Next week, and we’re throwing a huge wedding celebration next Saturday. My parents are organising it as we speak.”

  “Next week?” I gasped again. “Jeez, Suze, you don’t like to hang around, do you?”

  “Not when I know what I want,” she answered through an obvious grin.

  I admired her for that. I admired her for knowing what she wanted, and then going out and making it happen. I admired her for committing herself to one man forever, for being certain in her love and her future. I admired her for not giving a damn about anything other than her and him, and to hell with the rest of the world. It’s what a marriage should be about after all: the love. Not about any grand, over the top celebrations or how much money you can throw at a day.

  “That’s my girl,” I told her proudly, hoping she could hear how much I loved her without having to make the moment about me when this was truly her time to shine.

  “Will you be there? At the party?”

  “Wild horses couldn’t keep me away.”

  “I can’t wait to see you.” She squealed again, her excitement spilling over as she pushed her mouth too close to the phone as though she was trying to reach through and touch me.

  “You tell me where I need to be and I will be there with the biggest, ugliest fascinator you can imagine in my hair just for you.

  “And Marcus, will he be there?”

  “Of course he’ll be there with me.”

  “I can’t wait to see you both. I can’t wait to tell you all about it and show you the pictures. I know people will frown at us, Nat. I know they think we’ve been together since we were kids and at some point we’ll want to break free and sample what else is out there waiting for us, but I don’t care about any of that. I know what I want. I’ve known since we were just sixteen years old. He’s it for me. Paul is my everything.”

  My smile slowly began to turn upside down as a sharp pain hit me high in my chest, and for a brief moment, I allowed myself to imagine that if Nicholas Law hadn’t got in the way, it could have been me and Alex saying that very same thing. My first love could have been my everything, too, only he wasn’t that for me now. He would never be that same man for me again. We could never get that time or those emotions back. Our journey had got us lost, until we were wandering down two different roads, dreaming of what once was, and treasuring those memories of the first love we ever had.

  He still loves you now.

  Clearing my throat, I snapped back into the present, casting Marcus another nervous glance to make sure he hadn’t seen my thoughts of betrayal like they’d been written across my face for free reading. His eyes were alive with excitement, both his hands now squeezing my thigh as he leaned closer to the phone and shouted over me.

  “Congratulations, guys, you sly dogs.” He chuckled quietly before pulling h
imself away and shaking his head like he couldn’t quite believe the news we were hearing, either.

  “Thanks, Marcus!” Suzie shouted, her voice high again.

  “Suzie?” I said softly.

  “Yes, Nat?”

  “Do me a favour.”

  “Anything.”

  Sucking in a deep breath, I held it high in my chest before I said the only thing I could think to say to one of my best friends in the world. “You hold onto your everything, no matter what anyone else says about it, you hear me? This is your life. It’s your time now. No one else matters. Hold on to what makes you happy, enjoy every single second of it, and make sure you never, ever let that go.”

  THIRTY-THREE

  I watched as my beautiful mum sauntered into the coffee shop in Leeds city centre, just three days later. Her grace, her presence and her ability to make heads turn her way, without actually doing anything to earn their stares, always blew me away. It was obvious who Elizabeth had inherited her charm and personality from. It was easy to see who she had taken her bright aura from, too. Mum glowed, just the same way Lizzy had, and as I watched her walk casually over to my table, I couldn’t help but smile.

  “Natalie, sweetheart,” she sang quietly. With a quick kiss to my cheek, and after I told her I’d already bought our usual drinks, she sat opposite me, unwinding her thin scarf from around her neck with little effort.

  “Should I be nervous, Mum?” I asked.

  She looked up at me through beautiful, big doe eyes as she folded the scarf on her lap. “Why would you be nervous about meeting your mum for coffee?”

  “Because it’s midweek and when you ask to meet me here after work, there’s usually some bad news that goes along with it.”

  “That’s not true.”

  I sighed, looking down into my coffee cup as I shook my head and tried not to laugh. “I think last time you were telling me that we needed to send Dad to see a specialist about his snoring.”