“You sure I look okay?” I whispered.
“You look incredible. Edible. Incredibly edible.”
“A simple yes would have sufficed.” I grinned, not wanting to feel embarrassed.
“Can I lick you?”
“Marcus.”
“It’s a no, isn’t it?”
I laughed, tears forming in my eyes, which I had to quickly blink back so as not to have an epic makeup disaster that would turn me from presentable to Goth in a second. “Listen to me. Are you listening?” I said slowly, my voice filled with sarcasm. “I’m going to need you to keep your little big guy under control for just a few hours, okay?”
“A few hours?” he grumbled. “Oh, man.”
“Yeah, but just think of all the fun these walls are going to witness tonight.” I winked at him. I rarely winked at all, if ever, but something about the nice dress, the nude heels, the way my back was exposed and my boobs were pushed up, all had me feeling a little bit like someone else for a while. “That bed we’ve bought and paid for… I’ll be laying on it. Waiting. You can do whatever you want with me, if…”
“This isn’t helping,” he croaked, his feet shuffling on the floor.
“If you can wait for me, if you’re willing to share me with a few other people for a few hours, I’ll make it worth your while.”
He looked as if he was thinking about it, and I could practically see the scenes of debauchery that were flashing through his mind.
“Fine.” He slapped my arse on both cheeks, causing me to yelp and jump in his grip. “Go forth and spread your beauty among the masses, darling. But remember, when our heads fall against those pillows tonight, this,” he whispered, jiggling my flesh in his grip, “is all mine.”
“All yours.” I grinned.
Ten minutes later, the two of us were walking down the corridors of the hotel, hand in hand, while I looked down at myself and inspected my outfit one last time.
I wasn’t sure why I felt that nervous energy running through me before we stepped into the main function room. Marcus was filled with excitement, a little too much excitement, actually. It was visible in the way he walked, in the way his cheeks sat high every time I took a glance his way. He looked as happy as ever that night as we took our final step into the wedding party, but as it always seemed to be with me, I was anxious. I had this endless worry buried in the pit of my stomach, trying to claw its way out and choke me.
My cheeks hurt from the effort it took to smile at the strangers we passed, obviously members of Paul or Suzie’s families who I hadn’t seen before.
It was only as we got to the bar, and I turned to take a good look around, that it finally sank in with me why I was feeling the way I was.
I wasn’t used to being so ‘on show’. I wasn’t used to being fluffed up and preened to perfection then put out on display. I wasn’t sure if I even looked like me at all that night. I wasn’t sure of anything.
As my head turned from side to side and I tried to scan the crowd of people that were already here, another reality hit me, too.
I was nervous because I was looking for Alex, and it wasn’t until that moment right there, that I knew my thoughts were trying to drift to him. They wondered what he would think of me if he saw me dressed like this. They wondered whether he would be here tonight, standing by Paul’s side as one of his oldest friends. They wondered why part of me hoped he showed up, even though I’d told him to let me go.
They wondered about all sorts of things.
They didn’t have to wonder for long, because with one flash of the disco light across the entrance, my heart seemed to stop, and my breathing halted completely.
Standing there in dark grey trousers and a white, long-sleeved shirt that hugged his arms, with his copper hair highlighted by the unnatural lighting of the room, was my Alex.
Alone.
In all his glory.
With a gift tucked under one arm and his other hand in his pocket, just like the boy of seven years ago who held a football under his arm and offered to walk me home.
My intake of breath was sharp and painful, and when his eyes landed on mine, even though I knew it was wrong, I took a moment to stare at him fondly. He shone like the boy on the bus all over again. The vision.
The one that took that nervous tension away.
All I could do was smile at Alex Law then, and when he smiled right back, everything else seemed to drift away. There were just two people in the room.
When Marcus’ hand landed on my shoulder and squeezed me tightly, I was forced to blink and turn away, and it was over just as soon as it had started. That would be my one and only selfish moment of the night, I told myself.
Enough. Enough. Enough. I’d already taken too much.
THIRTY-SEVEN
Suzie sprinted across the function room with no grace at all, a beautiful white, lace, flowing dress scrunched up at the knee as she held it in her grip and charged forward. Marcus and I laughed as she threw her arms around each of us and squeezed tightly. She smelled like happiness and holidays, her hair a little lighter from the sunshine, and her skin most definitely brighter.
“Congratulations,” I told her as I smiled, cheek to cheek with her. My eyes filled with tears of joy for my friend, and when she eventually pulled back to look at us both, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. I’d always known Suzie was beautiful, but Suzie married was something else. All the doubt, uncertainty or stresses of life had slipped away from her completely as she stood before us in all her glory. Resplendent.
Shining.
Before she even got a chance to speak, my hand flew up to my mouth to catch my sobs, and with a knowing glance my way, Suzie tilted her head to one side and did exactly the same.
“Please don’t set me off. If I start crying, I won’t stop, and I have so many people here to speak to tonight. That’s before I’m allowed a drink, too.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled, my voice all choked up. “I just…” My head shook, catching sight of Paul as he walked behind her wearing beige linen trousers and a white shirt with a lily pinned to his pocket. “Oh, jeez. You both look so happy…”
I let out a burst of embarrassed laughter, but I didn’t have long to compose myself before Paul had walked up to me, whisked me off my feet and was spinning me around in the air with his arms tucked under my bum cheeks.
“Hey, pretty lady.” His grin was the biggest I’d ever seen it, and while up in his arms, I dropped a silly little kiss to his forehead to show him just how happy I was to see him.
“Hey, Mr. Married.”
After a few spins around, and after he was certain he’d made a spectacle of me in front of all the guests at the Marriott Hotel, I was eventually placed back down on the floor, and Paul moved his attention to Suzie while Marcus came to reclaim me as his own.
“Dude, you gotta stop touching my woman like that,” Marcus joked, one hand around my waist while his other went out to shake Paul’s hand.
They played their guy parts then, both of them laughing and joking, Marcus telling Paul that he was a lucky son-of-a-bitch while Suzie and I eyed one another, silently communicating things with an eyebrow raise here, a shake of the head there, and a muffled giggle.
It was incredible to see her so happy, so certain, so content with her life.
Paul’s sigh cut through everything as he shoved both his hands into the depths of his trouser pockets and rocked on his feet. “Fuck me, I love my life.” He beamed.
“Who would have thought it,” I started, “Paul Harris, married before any of us.”
“I always knew I would tie him down eventually,” Suzie said through a small giggle.
Paul took a step back, gesturing to his new wife with both hands. “Have you seen her? Like I’m going to let this escape me so I can sit miserable all my life thinking about what I let go. No fucking chance. No way am I seeing some other fucker whisk my woman off to live a happy ever after I should have given her. I’ve seen what that does to a man.�
��
Had I not been looking at her, I wouldn’t have noticed the way Suzie’s face fell, or the slight hand tap she gave Paul on his thigh, but I was looking at her and I did see it. I also saw the slight cringe on Paul’s face before he brought his hand up to the back of his neck and began to scratch it awkwardly. “Like I said,” he croaked. “I’m a lucky bastard.”
“And I’m a lucky bitch,” Suzie chimed.
My smile returned, but it took everything I had in me not to look down at my feet and frown. Marcus’ hand curled tighter around my waist as if he sensed my shift in mood. “You’re both lucky to have each other. I think what you’ve done is amazing. Couldn’t be happier for you.” He ran his hand down to my hip and leaned forward. “Shall I get the drinks in?”
“My folks have put a couple of grand behind the bar. You guys can help yourself all night long,” Paul told us brightly.
“Oh, shit,” Marcus groaned, raising both brows. “Free booze?”
“All night, mate.”
“That’s my cue to make the most of the gift horse.” He was about to turn to the bar like an excited four-year-old in a toyshop, but he paused, turning to give me a kiss on the cheek before he left. “I’ll bring you back something fancy.”
“Okay.” I laughed, and with that he was gone, leaving the three of us standing there with a weird feeling of tension floating around in the air all of a sudden.
“Listen…” Paul began.
“Don’t, Paul. It’s fine.” I smiled.
Suzie’s hand flew out behind him, slapping him up the back of his head like she was his mother. “You bloody idiot, Paul.”
“Ouch. Baby!”
“Marcus was standing right there,” Suzie whispered through gritted teeth.
“Please, both of you,” I warned them softly, shaking my head as I tried to keep the smile on my face. “Enough already. I’m fine. Marcus is fine. Alex is…”
“Here,” Suzie said while still cringing.
“I know.” I nodded slowly. “I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
“He deserves to be here as much as I do.” I shifted the weight on my legs and began to shuffle awkwardly.
Taking a step closer, Paul reached out to me, catching my hand as it swung down by my side. As soon as our fingers connected, I looked up at him with surprise and waited for him to speak. There was sympathy shining from his eyes, as well as understanding. “For what it’s worth, Vincent, you look amazing tonight. Even I’m sad I let you go.”
We were only allowed to laugh for a second before Suzie’s palm crashed up the back of Paul’s head again and he yelped in surprise for the second time in a matter of minutes.
“How many times do I have to tell you, Harris?” She grinned. “Quit hitting on my friends.”
******
Sammy came bounding into the room not long after, followed by a few other familiar faces from our high school days, but apart from the obvious, I didn’t know very many people there at all. Daniella hadn’t been able to make it on such short notice, but that hadn’t stopped her FaceTiming Paul and Suzie so she could feel part of the gathering. It had been nice to see her, if only through the blurred screen of the camera on Sammy’s phone. I hadn’t been aware it was possible to improve on perfection, but Danni had definitely gotten more beautiful since I last saw her. She was stunning before, but now she was indescribable, and as I waved down the phone to her, not wanting to interrupt her time with the others too much, I realised just how much I missed her and how much I would love to take a trip out to visit her, wherever in the world she happened to be.
The night got into full swing fairly quickly once all the introductions were done with, and apart from his initial arrival, I hadn’t seen Alex again since. I was making a conscious effort not to seem as though as I was looking for him. If I went back to pretending he didn’t exist, I could at least try and act a little normal. That didn’t mean I couldn’t feel his eyes on me, though.
I felt the pressure of his stare on my back.
I felt his words from days before ringing in my ears more and more with every sip of alcohol I took. The louder the music got, the louder his voice would shout out in my mind, until all I could do was reach for my glass and knock back the champagne like it was actually something I enjoyed.
Still, I tried to keep pretending.
As I sat on the edge of my chair, watching Marcus on the dance floor swinging Sammy under his arms and spinning her around, I swayed in time to the music. I couldn’t have told you what song was playing, just that it was bouncy and filled with the happiness that goes hand in hand with the celebration of a marriage. Sammy’s face was alive with excitement as she let her brother lead the way. I loved their relationship together. They were, in my eyes, the perfect pair of siblings. So much love with just the right amount of banter thrown in. They could call each other names for days, but if anyone else dared to say a bad word about them, they would take that person down without a second thought.
It made me ache for Lizzy.
I wondered how she would have reacted to this wedding. She’d have been thirty-two now, probably married with children of her own. She’d have been asking me to watch little Junior while she ran after little Princess on the dance floor. I’d have had nieces and nephews bouncing up and down on my knee while I pulled silly faces at them and pretended that I was a funny sea creature who could work magic with just a single look. I’d have made squeaky voices just to hear them laugh. I’d have told Lizzy to go dance with her husband while Marcus and I took the kids out for a walk in their prams to try to get them to sleep. I’d have had so much love for all of them.
I already did. I had love for a part of my family that didn’t exist and was never allowed to exist. It wasn’t just Lizzy I was mourning. It was the future around me. The nieces and nephews I’d never have. The brother-in-law I’d never know.
All those things that most people took for granted.
“What’s wrong?” Marcus asked, waking me from my thoughts as his hands slid up my thighs, his body towering me, his lips an inch away from mine.
“Nothing,” I whispered, shaking my head as I smiled softly.
Reaching up to cup my face, his hand pressed onto my cheek, and I leaned into his palm, my eyes closing as I breathed him in.
“You’re a terrible–”
“Liar. I know.” I smirked, allowing my eyes to flutter open once more.
“Do you want a dance? Or a drink?”
I sighed and reached up to pull his hands away from my face, closing the gap to press my lips against his as I spoke. “I just need a bit more alcohol in my system before I let all my barriers down enough to dance. I’ll go and get the drinks in.”
“You sure?” he asked, pulling me up to stand in front of him, his hands finding my arse again, just the way they always did. “This dress is doing things to me. I think I’m having an allergic reaction to it. Maybe we should take it off.”
The wave of vodka-soaked breath washed over me, and I was certain that Marcus had been slipping to the bar twice as often as he had told me he had been doing. “Right here?” My brows rose high.
Marcus’ eyes flashed behind me, locking on to something that made his face fall just a fraction before he returned all his attention back to me and leaned in to whisper in my ear. “I think it’s too risky. There’s a few older guys here who might end up having a seizure if you show them your tits.”
“Marcus.” I laughed, and he stepped away, pointing at me as he walked backwards, heading back to the dance floor as the music flowed through his veins.
“Make mine a double.” Lifting his hand in the air, he pretended to knock back a shot before he spun on his heels and began to wiggle his bum at the nearest person he could find. The old lady that happened to be in his path got a shock as he grabbed her hand and began to spin her around.
Brushing down the front of my dress, I took a deep breath and headed for the brighter lights of the bar. The delights of fre
e alcohol were rare around this part of Yorkshire. In a working man’s world, where people could find a local pub that served a pint for two pounds and still be accused of being expensive, free booze was the effortless orgasm everyone dreamed of.
It didn’t take me long to see the huge queue that surrounded the bar area, and I had to squint down to find a space to slip into. Making my way to the side area, where the lights were diluted, I slid in between two men, my head down all the while as I muttered weak apologies and tried not to make eye contact. “Excuse me,” I whispered pathetically. “Sorry. Sorry. I just need to…”
His aftershave tickled my nostrils like a cloudy spell all at once, and before I had time to look over my shoulder at the body my back was pressing against, I knew. I knew it was him. It was always him.
I could feel the heat through Alex's shirt. I could feel the muscles of the body I remembered so well, the body I’d dreamed of so many times. I could feel the click of our touch, similar to two magnets coming together, slamming into each other with the cry of where have you been? I could feel his hips pressed against me, and the small, delicate touch of his hand brushing over my waist.
I closed my eyes as the tingle of both excitement and dread poured over my skin like lava rolling down a volcano. I was hot and cold at the same time, desperate to break free and desperate to stay, unsure of how to get out of this alive.
The heat got closer and closer to the bare skin on my shoulder, and the wash of his breath tickled the curve in my neck, sending an involuntary shiver rolling down my spine.
He felt it, too. The squeezing of his fingers on my hip told me so, and the closer he got, the more I knew I should want to break away.
Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.
The words I was thinking never broke free. They didn’t want to. So I stayed frozen, no longer a functioning body or brain, just a bunch of limbs standing in place, completely under his wave, at his mercy.
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