He began to trail the back of his hand in between our bodies, moving it into the exposed area of my back, touching what wasn’t his to touch as he moved his mouth up closer to my ear and whispered, “You look fucking sensational tonight, Nat. He’s the luckiest man alive. I hope he knows that.”
Trailing his finger up and down the full curve of my spine, Alex breathed into my hair, releasing that special scent of his into a cloud in front of me for me to get drunk on, causing the tightening in my stomach to become unbearable as he assaulted all my senses. Before I could allow myself to open my eyes, he pressed his lips firmly against my hair, slowly yet somehow quickly so as not to get caught, and then just as swiftly as I’d slipped in front of him, he slipped out from behind me, leaving me cold again.
Leaving me weak.
Leaving me standing there like I’d just been thrown off the edge of a cliff and was currently plummeting to my death. And I took it. I took it all. I took it all before my eyes fluttered open and I turned to stare at the bar man who was waiting for me with a smile on his face. “What can I get you, love?”
My head rolled forward as I turned to grip the counter with both hands. “I’ll…” I stopped to pull in a breath, cursing myself for how stupid I must have looked to him. “I’ll have a champagne, a vodka and coke and…”
“And?”
My eyes rose to meet his, a weak, pained smile playing on my lips. “A whiskey. Please.”
“That kind of night, huh?”
“That kind of life.”
Once the drinks were all in my hands, I shuffled out of my spot, licking my lips as I tried to navigate my way through the excited crowds in front of me. Every step I took, I was giving myself a silent pep talk to stay calm, to keep focused, and to not lose my mind just from that touch of his that still lingered like a throbbing scar down my spine.
I’d almost convinced myself it was possible, too, until I got back to our table. Placing the drinks down in front of me, I picked up my champagne, blew out a big, weighty breath and lifted my glass to my lips as my eyes found the dance floor.
The glass slipped quickly through my grip all at once, the sound of it hitting the carpet beneath my feet being completely drowned out by the music.
I couldn’t think about the drink that was all over my feet. Nor could I think about how lucky I’d been that the glass hadn’t shattered and cut my toes to a thousand pieces.
All I could think about, all I could focus on was the nightmare in front of me.
The two loves of my life staring into each other’s eyes. Alex glaring at Marcus while Marcus scowled at Alex.
No matter what I’d felt before that moment, now all I felt was fear.
A whole lifetime full of fear as I watched Marcus take a step closer to Alex, his jaw ticking the whole time as his body tensed like he was ready to fight.
THIRTY-EIGHT
As I stared at those two men in the same frame of my vision, something new stirred deep inside of me. The panic was still present, but so was the need to save myself, save my own skin, save my future.
Whatever my future was.
I stepped forward, just enough to hear their conversation.
“I mean it,” Marcus said, looking straight into Alex’s eyes, his voice a little slurred while he tried to keep the sway of his alcohol filled body under control.
My eyes shifted to Alex whose entire posture was completely different to that of Marcus. He looked uncertain of what and who was standing in front of him, but he was strong, firm, and in control. He looked calm.
“You listen to me right now,” Marcus started, his voice deep and gravelly.
“This isn’t the place for this,” Alex told him.
“Nat doesn’t always know what’s best for her.” Marcus swayed again, his foot stumbling to the left before he quickly corrected his stance, pushed his shoulders back and brushed the loose curls of his hair away from his eyes.
Nat doesn’t always know what’s best for her…
I frowned, taking another tentative step closer, my fingers twitching by the floaty material of my dress as I readied my body for some kind of confrontation.
“I’m not here to cause waves,” Alex told him, his body still tense. “I’m here for Paul.”
“And your father?”
“Excuse me?”
“You’re back in Leeds for your father?” Marcus nodded, his eyes widening as he tried to coax the answer he wanted out of Alex.
I must have shifted too close to them, just enough for Alex to catch sight of me in his peripheral vision. His head slowly turned my way, and his hazel lights shone up through his long, thick eyelashes. I froze in place, our stares connecting somewhere in the middle until I felt that longing ache deep inside of me once again. My eyes turned down at the corners, a silent plea passing between us for him to keep Marcus free from pain.
He didn’t deserve to suffer just because Alex and I were. We’d made our mistakes, not him.
Running his tongue along his bottom lip, Alex eventually sighed and turned his attention back to Marcus, nodding curtly as he spoke through his exhale.
“That’s right.”
The smile spread across Marcus’ face, his stance becoming stronger as though he’d just won some unspoken battle without anyone realising the fight had even begun. I’d seen him drunk a hundred times before then, but in that moment, Marcus was in another headspace completely. The second he staggered to the right, I couldn’t stop myself from reaching out and rushing to his side.
“Fuck,” he grumbled, and my hands grabbed hold of one of his biceps just in time for me to pull him back to a stand, with the help of Alex, who had also jumped to his aid, taking hold of his other arm to help him back to a more central position.
“Marcus,” I whispered, keeping my eyes on the side of his face as I pushed my chest up against his arm. “You’re drunk.”
“I’m good,” he slurred.
“No, you’re not. You need to sit down.”
“You okay?” Alex interrupted, his voice like a knife in my ribs as I tried to control the confused feelings I was experiencing by having them so close together.
“I’m fucking fantastic!” Marcus shot out, reaching around to pull my waist closer to his, clearly marking his territory. My eyes closed in embarrassment at the whole situation, and when his hand reached down to my arse and took a hold of it tightly like I was nothing more than a piece of meat, I couldn’t help the flinch of my body or the way I tensed. Alex noticed it, too. The subtle clearing of his throat told me so, but I couldn’t bear to look at him.
“I’ll leave you two alone,” he muttered quietly.
“Room 334, Al,” Marcus shouted, causing my eyes to open as I shot more daggers at him. “I can call you Al, right? Now we’re mates and all…”
“Marcus,” I warned him through gritted teeth, pushing my body impossibly closer to his.
“Or should I call you ex? Al the ex.” He snickered. “Hey, it’s like fate or some shit.”
My shoulders sagged in defeat, all my disappointment proving too much as I dropped my chin to my chest and waited for this nightmare to be over.
Marcus took a step closer to Alex, and all his muscles tensed in my grip as he arrogantly stood up to my first love. “Room 334 is where she’ll be sleeping tonight, in my bed, with me – the guy who chose to stay with her instead of run away. The guy who thanks his lucky stars every single day that you fucked up like the coward you are, and I was there to pick up all her pieces. I was there, motherfucker. I stayed by her side, and room 334 is where I will be making her scream later tonight. Just in case you wanted to torture your poor, wounded soul that little bit more, you could always stop by, press a glass to the door and imagine that it’s you doing all those things to her.”
My mouth fell open in complete disgust, my eyes narrowing as I forced myself out of his grip and took a step back. I had no idea what Alex was doing or how he was reacting. I couldn’t see if his face showcased the same di
sgust as mine did. I didn’t even care. I didn’t care for anything except getting away from this man who I didn’t recognise at all.
“Marcus,” I whispered.
Out of my hold, Marcus swayed some more, his body like a ragdoll as he turned to face me and grinned. “What, baby?”
“What are you… What are you doing?” I shook my head, staring straight at him, feeling empty.
“C’moooon,” he slurred, lifting both his arms towards me, inviting me closer. “I’m only saying what you’re dying to say but are way too polite to put out there. He's here, Nat. Tell him. Let it all out. Let the arsehole know how you wept for months when he turned you away. Let him know how it took you weeks to eat, step outside or even say more than three words in a row.”
“Stop it,” I hissed.
“Let him know how long it took you to want to kiss another man.”
“Please.”
“To let another man touch you. Tell him how long it took you to sleep with–”
“I said stop it.”
Marcus leaned closer. “I know you want to.”
“No,” I breathed out. “Do not make out like this is for my benefit. This isn’t what I want.”
“No?” he asked as his brows rose high. “What do you want? Do you want him to leave? ‘Cause I can probably make that happen,” he joked as he pretended to look all around the room. “Security!”
I couldn’t hold it back. My face tensed, all the fight returning to me as I stared at this man as though I didn’t even know him. I didn’t. I didn't have a clue who this Marcus was. Scrunching up my dress in both hands, I curled my fingers into the material and glared at him.
“I want you to calm the hell down.”
“Baby, I am calm.” His voice was high, his face alive with excitement as he stumbled that little bit closer to me. “I’m just trying to lighten the mood.”
“By making a fool of me?” I asked, tilting my head to one side.
“You? Never. Him?” His thumb pointed in Alex’s direction, but his eyes remained on me. “Maybe a little bit.”
“That’s my cue to leave,” Alex muttered roughly, his voice filled with an anger I could tell he was trying to control. I'd heard that voice so many times before. I heard the pain there, too.
“Alex…” I called out to him, my eyes seeking his whether Marcus liked it or not.
When Alex looked up at me, when we connected again, our mutual silence said more than any words could have done. With another small nod of his head, Alex straightened up and walked away, and I couldn’t seem to tear my eyes away from his broad shoulders, or the muscles that pushed against the back of his shirt, or the way the belt around his waist accentuated his physique. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the defeat and the heartache that poured out from him either.
I was filled with a sadness that I couldn’t explain. I was tired of fighting, of pretending, of making everyone else happy when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and let all my confusion pour out of me. How was it possible to care for two men and love them in two completely different ways? How was it possible to feel like your body and soul were going in two totally different directions? One half wanted to save someone; the other half wanted to be saved.
Maybe the truth was, I was too much of a mess myself to really give any of me to anyone else.
Marcus stepped closer, his face faltering when I looked back up into his eyes and let my disappointment shine.
“Baby.”
“I can’t believe you would do that,” I whispered to him.
His arms circled my waist, and for a fleeting second, it looked like all the alcohol had been washed from his brain and he was sober again. But then he stumbled a little too close to my toes and forced me to grab hold of his arms to keep both of us upright.
“I just don’t want to see you hurt again.”
“Hurt again? Why would I be hurt again? The only person that has the power to hurt me is you when you pull stunts like that.”
“I’m sorry. I just…” Marcus sighed, his forehead dropping to mine in quiet defeat.
“You just...?”
He shrugged lazily, his fingers curling into my back as he tried to pull me closer. “He’s a handsome bastard, isn’t he?”
“What?”
“Alex.”
“Are you fucking serious right now?”
“I'm just saying...”
“You caused a scene and embarrassed me because you think he’s pretty?”
“No. Maybe. That’s a tough question.”
“Don't tell me you've got the hots for him?” I snapped, trying to hide the small smirk that was tugging on one corner of my mouth.
“I can see why you might have.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“Nat,” he began, “I’m a man – a hot-blooded male who knows how other men think. I also know a charmer when I see one. I know when a man is looking at my woman from a dark corner, seeking her out like she’s his prey. I know when I see longing on a guy's face without having to see if he’s got a hard dick or not.”
“Marcus, stop it. I don’t like this version of you.”
“I don’t like this version of me either,” he admitted quietly, his body swaying us both in time to the music. I let him lead. I let him hold me as I stared up at him and tried to organise all my thoughts. “I didn’t mean to react that way to seeing him.”
“Then why did you?”
He spun us around, but our foreheads never broke away from one another, and our eyes never drifted apart. “Just dance with me.”
“I need to know.”
Marcus’ head shook against mine. “Okay.” He sighed. “That was me dealing with some old ghosts of my own.”
“Old ghosts?” My brows rose in surprise as I felt my insides tense. My body must have shown it, too, because Marcus tried to pull me even closer, but there was nowhere left for either one of us to go.
“Let’s just say you’re not the only one with an Alex in your past. Mine isn’t here, so I took it out on yours. I fucked up, Nat. I fucked up, and I’m sorry.”
“You mean your ex from university?”
“Please. Let's just dance.”
And just like that, everything seemed to change for me.
Even though I knew of Marcus’ heartbreak, until then, I hadn’t known just how much his past plagued his present. Maybe we were more alike than I’d ever truly realised.
As Marcus closed his eyes and we danced to music that wasn't really made for couples to dance to, I was convinced that the earth had just been tipped upside down. I wasn’t sure which way was left or which way was right. I wasn’t sure of anything at all, especially not the feelings in my head that were battling against my heart.
I loved Marcus. I loved him so much I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
But I couldn’t deny that as we swayed out of time to the rhythm, I also wanted to go and check up on Alex.
I wanted to hold him and tell him I was sorry.
Sorry for letting him go, just as much as he had let me go all those years before.
******
After getting some water into Marcus’ system, and after some distractions from Suzie, Paul and Sammy, I found myself back on the dance floor again.
“Weddings aren’t so bad, right?” Marcus asked. My cheek was resting on his shoulder, and my body was in his arms completely, all of me belonging to him again – all of me except my eyes. They were locked on Alex who was leaning against the bar, staring back at me with equal intensity as he pretended to engage in idle conversation with Suzie.
“Mmhmm,” was my only response.
“There’s something about them that makes you stop and take stock of your life, don’t you think?”
“I guess so.”
“For two people to be so convinced of their love that they’re willing to give up a little bit of their freedom to commit to one another for life. It’s kinda mind-blowing. One minute they’re in high school. T
he next minute they’re twenty-two and married.”
“Twenty-two isn’t so young,” I said quietly as I watched Alex take a slow sip of his drink.
“Not if they’re certain. No, it isn’t.”
Marcus’ arm tightened around my waist before he spun us both a hundred and eighty degrees, robbing me of Alex all at once. The fact that was all I cared about while in the arms of my boyfriend was enough to make me feel nauseous, the guilt clawing at my stomach. I hated myself for it.
“They look certain to me, Marcus.” I nuzzled closer into him, willing my body to feel relaxed.
“They do. It makes me a little jealous.”
“Jealous?”
“Yeah.”
I pulled back slowly, looking up at him with a frown on my face as he continued to lead. “Why would you be jealous of them?”
His eyes searched mine, the smile on his face faltering by the second. “Do you have any idea how uncertain you look sometimes? About me. Everything. Life.”
“I love you. Don’t ever doubt that.”
“Baby, I know you love me. That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“I just meant that I don’t think you’d do anything so drastic, so impulsive. You couldn't throw caution to the wind and get married on a whim. Not without regretting it later, if not straight away. That’s not who you are.”
“Is that who you want me to be?”
“It would make proposing to you that little bit easier, that’s for sure.”
The colour drained from my face. I could feel it happening the moment I took a small step back before he pulled me back into his arms quickly.
“See?” He grinned, staring down at me while I looked up, wide-eyed and scared. “There’s that uncertainty.”
“I…”
“You?”
“Y-you want to propose?” I stuttered, my whole life flashing before my eyes as I looked up at him: An engagement party, false smiles and big plans. A wedding day, strained cheeks and too much champagne with table after table of overpriced flowers. A son. A daughter. Maybe a detached house in the most rural part of Yorkshire. Two cars and a vintage in the garage for weekend rides out. Holidays, false friends. A whole generation of aiming for things I didn’t really want or even understand. “Marcus–”
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