His finger found my lips to silence me before I could go any further. “You’re not ready, I know. Neither am I. But one day I hope we both will be. One day, I might just spin around in the kitchen, see you and think, ‘Now, Marcus. Do it now.’ And I’m terrified that if I do, you still won’t be ready.”
“I’m sorry that I keep letting you down. You don’t deserve that,” I told him, reaching up to run a hand through one side of his soft black curls. “I love you. Genuinely. Purely. Truly. You are, without a doubt, one of the most amazing men that’s ever existed.”
“Keep talking.” His cheeks got tighter as his smile grew, both his hands claiming their favourite spot at the peak of my arse once again.
“And…” I went on, “any girl in their right mind would be foolish not to say yes to your proposal before you even had a chance to get down on one knee.”
“Damn right they would.”
“You might meet someone else before you propose to me, though. Someone far more in your league than I am.” I smirked.
He sighed heavily, dropping his cheek to rest against mine as we continued to dance. “You just don’t see it, do you?”
“See what?”
“How every single pair of eyes in this room is on you right now. How it’s been that way all night tonight.”
“Go home, Marcus.” I laughed softly. “You’re drunk.”
“Marry me, Nat.”
I scoffed quietly in his ears, and I was just about to play along in his little game of pretend proposals when I noticed who was dancing beside us, another woman in his arms but his eyes fixed firmly on me. That’s when, as Marcus continued to move us around, I found myself staring at Alex again while he let me know with just one single look that he had heard everything that Marcus and I had just said to one another.
And he looked as sad as I felt.
THIRTY-NINE
“You need any water?” I asked him as I lowered his body to the bed. My voice was as strained as all my muscles felt. How I’d managed to guide Marcus’ limp body all the way back to the room, I wasn’t sure, but as his alcohol seduced limbs flopped onto the mattress, I was grateful to have his weight off me.
“I hate Paul.”
“Don’t go blaming anyone else for this,” I warned him, a smile playing on my lips as I bent down to brush the hair away from his forehead. “You did this to yourself. No one forced those last three shots down your throat.”
His head rolled from side to side, a small groan escaping his lips. “Is the party over?” Marcus’ eyes flickered open, searching for me. “Why are we on a merry-go-round? Why are you spinning?”
“The party's almost over.” I laughed. “I’m going to head back down for the last half an hour while you try and get the room to stay still for a while. I promised Suzie I wouldn’t leave early. Do you want me to undress you?”
“Always.”
I did as he asked, removing him from his clothes as carefully as I could before grabbing him some water, leaving it on the bedside table and pulling the duvet up to cover him. He was roasting hot, but it looked like the hangover was already starting to kick in as he shivered in his own skin and made dramatic brr noises until I tucked him in. Dropping a kiss to his forehead, I whispered against him, “Sleep well.”
Marcus had closed his eyes and his breathing had lulled before I even managed to get out of the door. Within minutes, I was back in the main ballroom, watching the rest of the party as they slowed the night down and drank the last dregs of their champagne. The older generation seemed to prefer this part of the night. They were all gathered around one table, hunched together, a tumbler of the honey coloured stuff in each of their hands, and smiles on their faces as they tapped their feet to the slow music that filled the room. The younger generation, the ones that hadn’t taken too much advantage of the free alcohol, were either slumped in their chairs alone, dancing on the dance floor or perched up at the corner of the bar getting their last drinks in.
Alex was sitting across the room with his back turned to me while he spoke to Paul. The two of them were in deep conversation, each one hunching closer to the other. Occasionally, I saw Alex shake his head before it fell into his hands and his body slumped, but Paul’s eyes would travel my way then and within seconds, Alex would correct himself by brushing his hand through his hair and sitting upright.
I hadn’t even realised I was staring – not until a lady I didn’t know sat down beside me, letting out a huge sigh before she gently tapped my ankle with the toe of her shoe.
I flinched slightly, offering her a small smile just to be polite. She had long, thick black hair that fell below her breasts, and her eyes were slightly haunting in their colour, a light grey shining over at me a little too brightly.
“You’re too pretty to be so tortured.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’ve been staring at him all night. Even when you were dancing in the arms of your beloved.” Dipping her chin, she looked up at me through knowing eyes and smirked.
“I didn’t know anyone was watching.”
“That look you’re giving him – I know that look. He’s your one that got away, isn’t he?” She smiled. “We all have them, honey. No point looking ashamed of yourself that way.” Slumping down in her chair, she crossed her legs and draped her arms over her knees, one hand holding a glass of wine at the stem. “Mine was a beautiful boy named George. We were so in love, but alas, life got in the way.”
“What happened?” I found myself asking, unsure why I cared at all.
She shrugged, her mouth pressing into a flat line as she bounced her foot to the music. “We were young. I guess we thought we had all the time in the world to be together, so the silly little fights we had, the flirting with others, we thought we could do it all and it wouldn’t matter. We thought we had forever to fuck it all up and forever to fix it, right?”
“Right.”
“Fast forward twenty-five long, hard, desperately lonely years, and we’ve never fixed shit.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me, too.” She sighed wistfully, her eyes falling to Alex’s back across the room. “I’d give anything to see that annoying arsehole just one more time.”
“What would you say to him…? I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.” I frowned.
“Angie,” she told me, collecting a breath as her thoughts danced around on her face. “And what would I say to him? Now there’s a question.”
“You don’t have to answer.”
“I want to. You’ve made me all nostalgic.” Angie winked at me. “What would I say to him? Hmm. I guess I’d tell him the truth now that I’ve reached an age where I know how important the truth actually is. False happiness is harsher on the soul than the darkest sadness. I’d tell that fool that I miss him and that I’ve thought about him every day and every night since the last time I saw him.”
My head bowed and all I could do was stare at my hands in my lap.
“More than anything, I’d just want to kiss those lips of his one more time without worrying about what would happen when I pulled away. No matter who else comes along, there’s nothing quite like the feeling of falling for the very first time, don’t you agree?”
“You’re not helping me here.” I sighed, eventually looking up at her once again with a smirk on my face.
“Do you want to hear something that might help?”
“Please.”
“You’re not the first woman to feel what you’re feeling, and you sure as shit won’t be the last.”
“And that helps?”
“It should. It should make you feel normal, real. You’re not as much of a demon as you’re making yourself out to be. Lose that guilt you’re holding up there in your head. Guilt fucks you up. It eats you alive. It makes you think for everyone else but yourself. Tell me, would you be with him again if you could be? Would you spend the night with him as his lover, say all the things you never got to say back then? Give yourself one last chance t
o touch him, hold him, kiss him, knowing it will be the last time and you can say your proper goodbyes?”
I closed my eyes and turned away as visions of the best night of my life began to haunt me.
I’m not taking you back inside, Nat. I’m not done with having you all to myself yet.
I need you tonight, Nat. I’ve needed you since the first moment I laid eyes on you.
Natexus all the way, baby.
Promise me you want this as much as I do.
God, I need you…
I wish you knew what I felt for you.
I wish I could tell you.
“The pain on your face tells me all I need to know.” Her smile was sad when I eventually looked at her again. “I’m sorry about that. I’m more sorry about that than you know.”
“Do you think badly of me?”
“What the hell would it matter if I did?” Checking to make sure no one was within earshot, she leaned in closer and whispered as she looked up through glazed eyes. “I have a different outlook on life than most people. I know that those paths people put us on and force us to travel down, well, they’re a little fucked up. I’m a big believer in grabbing life by the balls and making it count, or, at least, I would be if I could live my life again. Now, I’m no one to advise you to be an arsehole, but here are my thoughts on the matter. With George, the love I had for him was so powerful, it was never just going to leave me alone and let me be. For twenty-five years, I’ve thought about how I could make him go away. I’ve wondered what would happen if I were given the chance to be with him just one more time. And, honey, the truth is, I’d take it. I’d have to. I’d have to know. I’d take it in the hope that once it was done, I could either close the lid on him forever, or I’d realise I’d wasted the last twenty-five years of my life loving the wrong man, and it would be time to put that right.”
“You sound like you're advising me to cheat.”
“No,” she answered, cutting me off as she shook her head. “I’m just telling you what I would do.” And with that, she smiled at me like she was passing on some unspoken wisdom through those eyes of hers, and then she got up to leave. She got up and left me sitting there, even more confused than I had been before.
Taking a deep breath, I picked up my bag, tucked it over my shoulder and got up to leave. No good was going to come of that night. No good was going to come of me staring holes into Alex Law’s back as if all our problems would magically disappear.
Little did I know that, as I made my way out of the wedding reception and into the corridors of the hotel, I wasn’t as alone as I thought I was.
Little did I know that as I pushed through the doors to take the stairs, not wanting to wait with the queue of people that had gathered at the lifts, there was someone following close behind.
I didn’t hear his gentle footsteps trailing me as I made my way up towards my room with Marcus.
I didn’t feel that awareness that he was close by because my mind was too lost in thoughts of what ifs and whys.
But I did feel his hand on my shoulder as I pulled open the door to step out into the corridor, and I didn’t resist when his arm slid around my waist, pulling me into a dark corner of the stairwell until I was caged beneath his arms. The smell of him soon took over all my senses, the heat of his body mixed with his aftershave making my eyes roll into the back of my head and my lips part before I eventually allowed myself to look up at him.
“Why did you have to come back into my life?” I asked him in a whisper.
His eyes fell to my mouth, his hands sliding up the walls until he was leaning impossibly closer to me, his head dipping down until there was hardly any room at all for me to move away from him. “Did I ever really leave it?” he breathed down on me, his voice strained.
I wanted to push up on my toes, close the gap and kiss those lips of his. I wanted to see if he tasted like I remembered him tasting. I wanted him towering over me just one last time, and I almost gave into it.
I almost allowed myself to slip, but my body and my mouth hadn’t always worked together, and in some last-ditch attempt to salvage any self-respect I had lurking inside of me, I pushed my back harder into the wall and let my shoulders sag in defeat.
Then the tears started to fall, silently at first, until the dam burst completely and it was all over. All of it. All the fight, all the pretending, all the gut twisting, agonising, nausea-inducing betrayal I felt in my soul – it all collided together, exploding into a fit of exhaustion before my tears turned into sobs, and my quiet moans became heart-breaking cries of suppressed emotion.
I was done for.
And as I scrunched my face up and closed my eyes on the world, I didn’t even have the fight in me to lift my head or push Alex away when he scooped me up in his arms.
I had nothing left to give, no resistance in me at all to try to ask him where he was taking me as he carried me down more corridors, and climbed more stairs holding me tight to his chest.
He was here, and I was crying. I was crying for me. I was crying for him. I was crying for my boyfriend.
Natalie. Alex. Marcus.
Natexus.
It had a whole new meaning right then. Like this car crash of ours had always been destined to happen.
FORTY
I clung to him with no reservations whatsoever. My head hung low, curled into his chest when I heard the opening of a door, followed by it slamming shut behind us. Then he stopped moving. Alex’s hands only seemed to grip me tighter as the darkness wrapped itself around us, along with the quiet of being locked away from everyone else beyond that door.
My fingers began to claw at his shirt, only slowly at first, but they wanted to move, to explore, even though the rest of me felt like I could stay still in his arms forever.
“It’s been so long,” I whispered, pressing my cheek into him as I spoke. My voice was hoarse, weak, and unashamed with its emotion. “Five years away from you has been too long.”
Alex didn’t speak, but I felt the breath he sucked in before he let his lips fall gently to the top of my head.
“I’m so tired of pretending,” I confessed.
He exhaled into my hair as he held me.
“I hate you,” I told him quietly.
“I hate me, too.”
“I hate that you turned me into this person.”
“I know.”
“I hate that you made me walk away.”
“I know.”
“I hate that, even though I know it’s wrong and so many people will get hurt, all I can think about is how much I want to stay here, like this, forever.”
Alex tightened his hold on me, but it was impossible for me to get any closer. Not without taking our clothes off. He began to move slowly, his feet scuffing over the carpet of his room before he managed to knock the switch on the wall enough with his shoulder, lighting the centre of the room up with a diluted, almost romantic glow.
“You want to sit down?”
“I don’t think you will be able to hold me for much longer.”
“I will stand here holding you all night if you tell me that’s what you want.”
The edge to his voice had me tipping my head backwards so I could get a good look at him. I didn’t care that my makeup had probably run down both my cheeks. I didn’t care that I looked a mess or that he was a little blurry through the remnants of my tears. All I cared about was seeing him, and when I stared up into his eyes, I knew he wasn’t joking. I knew that if I asked him to, he would hold me up in his arms all night.
“We can sit.”
Placing me down on the bed, Alex eventually pulled away and I missed the heat and safety of his embrace instantly.
“I didn’t know where else to bring you. You can leave at any time. I just thought you needed some space – space away from everyone who knows you so well.”
“Now you want to give me space?” I chuckled through a mixture of leftover tears and mild hysteria. “You need to make your mind up.”
/> “Not space from me. If I could have my own way, I’d be sitting on the bed beside you.”
My eyes fell to the empty space next to me, not moving as I spoke. “I’d like that.”
His heavy exhale filled the room once again before he slowly came into view. The bed dipped where he sat, and I inhaled that beautiful smell of his the same way I always did when he was around.
Alex’s hands fell between his parted thighs, and I wondered what it would feel like for them to be against my naked skin again, just like when his finger had trailed the length of my spine at the bar.
“I hate seeing you like this,” he whispered.
Reaching out carefully, I slipped my fingers along his bare forearm where he’d rolled his sleeves up, and I stroked my way up to his hand before I paused.
“I’ve dreamed of being next to you like this so many times since I walked away from you.”
“I’ve dreamed of you,” he told me.
Turning his hand over, I dragged my nail around the middle of it, creating an endless figure of eight infinity sign on his palm as slowly as I could manage. It looked beautiful, even though it was invisible. Just like this love we had for each other was beautiful, but we couldn’t ever allow ourselves to show it.
“I’ve dreamed of these hands holding my face.” I paused, looking up at him through my heavy lashes as the full force of his beauty hit me like a knife in the heart.
Those eyes of his flickered wildly, searching mine in confusion, but before I could wait for him to speak or begin to question my own actions, I was lifting both his hands and guiding them to my cheeks. Part of me was desperate to keep watching his reactions. I wanted to enjoy the way his mouth parted, the way his pupils dilated, but the moment both my cheeks were in his palms, I couldn’t do anything but close my eyes and embrace the warmth. A contented sigh escaped me before I allowed myself to smile softly.
“What else have you dreamed of?” he asked, his voice husky and unsure.
Natexus Page 37
