The Phredde Collection

by Jackie French

  Bruce shone his torch at the doorway. A small girl stood there. She was sooo cute, with brown curls and big blue eyes.

  ‘She’s not from our school,’ I whispered to Phredde.

  Phredde shook her head. ‘I’ve never seen her before. She doesn’t look like a Batrock vampire either.’

  The small girl stared into the hall. ‘Oh, a Halloween dance,’ she breathed. ‘I saw the lights from the street! Oh, please, please may I join in? It looks so lovely! I’ve never been to a dance before.’

  ‘Sure…’ I began, then stopped. ‘Phredde,’ I hissed, ‘what happens when the Gates of Reality are ripped open?’

  ‘The deadly creatures from beyond the Gates of Reality invade and try to destroy everyone,’ whispered Phredde.

  ‘Do the deadly creatures from beyond the Gates of Reality destroy EVERYBODY? Or just one or two?’

  ‘Everybody,’ said Phredde hollowly.

  ‘What do the deadly creatures from beyond the Gates of Reality look like?’

  ‘It depends on the deadly creature. Bogeys just look lumpy and have bad teeth. And they stink. Then there’s Gwyllions and…’

  ‘Do any of them look like much-too-cute little girls?’

  But it was too late. Shaun was moving through the crowd, his eyes fixed on the girl. ‘Oh, golly gosh, you poor wee mite,’ he crooned. ‘Most assuredly you can join us!’

  ‘I bet she’s luring him outside! Phredde, stop him!’ I cried.

  ‘How?’ shrieked Phredde.

  ‘PING! him back here!’

  ‘But I can’t…’

  ‘What the…’ I shoved my way through the crowd and grabbed Shaun’s shoulder, just as he reached for the girl’s hand.

  ZANG! Sparks flew as soon as Shaun touched her hand. The girl’s pretty face melted and in its place was a burst of fire that reached out to Shaun, but I was in the way! Hot, red flames that seared and burnt so I was…

  FLOINGGGGGGGGGGG!

  Suddenly a bucket of water was in my hands. I threw it at the flames.

  ‘Noooooooo…’ The girl’s voice vanished into the darkness as she dissolved into a puddle.

  I took a deep breath. ‘What was that?’

  The other vampires were looking after Shaun—he was a bit shaken but seemed okay.

  ‘It was a deadly creature from beyond the Gates of Reality,’ said Phredde helpfully.

  I sighed. ‘I KNOW that. But what SORT of deadly creature?’

  ‘I think,’ said Phredde, ‘it was a Lhiannan-shee. People used to call them fairy sweethearts, but they’re not phaeries. They lure people out into the dark and then they…’

  ‘I can guess the rest,’ I said sourly, glancing over at Bruce, who was inspecting the supper table in case there were any flies on it. Why wasn’t he panicking that I may have been hurt? I couldn’t understand it! ‘Well, at least we’re safe now!’ I said to Phredde.

  ‘Actually…’ began Phredde.

  I looked at her. ‘You mean we’re NOT safe?’

  ‘No,’ said Phredde.

  ‘There are more ghastly creatures from beyond the Gates of Reality?’

  ‘Yes,’ whispered Phredde.

  ‘More of those Lhany-what’s-its?’

  ‘Not THEM,’ said Phredde. ‘Others. They’ll keep coming and coming while the Gates of Reality are opened! They’ll try to destroy us! And the rest of the world too!’ she added.

  ‘Then how do we close the Gates of Reality?’ I demanded.

  ‘We can’t! We have to defend them till Halloween is over!’

  ‘When is Halloween over then!’ I yelled.

  ‘Midnight!’ declared Phredde. She looked a bit scared herself, which worried me. You don’t often see Phredde scared.

  ‘But I told Mum I’d be home by 10.30!’ I stared around the hall. I raised my voice to address everyone in the hall. ‘Does ANYONE here know how to shut the Gates of Reality?’

  I’d never thought a crowd could be so silent. There wasn’t a sound, apart from insane giggling from up on the stage.

  ‘Doomed, doomed!’ cried Mr Ploppy Bottom. ‘You’re all doomed! Every horrible magic one of you! Doomed by your own magic!’

  ‘But why?’ I yelled. ‘I’m not magic! There are lots of us who aren’t magic.’

  Anyone who plays with magic should be doomed! All of you in this school! And Batrock Central too! Doomed! Doomed!’

  Phredde snorted. ‘He gets a bit boring, doesn’t he?’

  I nodded. I was trying to work out what to do next. I mean if we got this wrong we could all be…I shut my mind to that one. While I didn’t exactly know WHAT the creatures from beyond the Gates of Reality might do to us, it was a pretty good bet they weren’t going to bring us baskets of cherries and new video games.

  But one thing was clear. It was up to me to protect the school! And the world!

  ‘It’s up to me to protect the school!’ I told Phredde.

  ‘Stop being a drama queen,’ said Phredde crossly. ‘This is serious!’

  ‘I’m not being a drama queen! Well, not much, anyway,’ I added honestly. ‘But look, my FLOING! will keep me safe! The deadly creatures from beyond the Gates of Reality can’t hurt me. But they CAN hurt the rest of you.’

  ‘She’s right,’ said Bruce. He’d hopped up without me noticing. ‘It has to be Pru who fights the deadly creatures from beyond the Gates of Reality. Her FLOING! will protect her.’

  I glared at him. Why wasn’t he doing the macho thing, like all those guys on TV who take charge and say, No, leave it to me! I’ll fight the deadly creatures from beyond the Gates of Reality for you?

  ‘How come you know so much about FLOING!s?’ I demanded.

  ‘That’s what I was trying to tell you,’ said Bruce patiently. ‘I tried to tell you at your party, too, before you poured that banana custard all over me…’

  ‘I tripped,’ I said sullenly. ‘You just happened to be in the way.’

  ‘And then outside, before Mr Ploppy Bottom called us in. I wanted to tell you that…’ He stopped and cocked his froggy head to one side. ‘What was that?’ he whispered.

  It sounded like something galloping. A few kids screamed. Someone fainted up by the stage. Mr Ploppy Bottom’s giggling grew louder.

  The galloping noise grew closer and closer. I peered out the door, then took a breath in relief. ‘It’s only a guy on a horse!’ I called out to everyone.

  Phredde peered around behind me. ‘Um, Pru,’ she said.

  ‘What?’ I was so relieved I didn’t have to go fight another hideous monster my voice sounded all giggly.

  ‘Take a closer look,’ warned Phredde.

  I peered out into the gloom. One horse, one rider, with long black boots and a long black cloak and a long black sword and long black gloves and…and…

  ‘He’s got no head!’ I whispered. ‘He’s a headless horseman!’

  Bruce peered out into the darkness. ‘Or a headless horsewoman,’ he corrected. ‘It’s hard to tell without the head.’

  ‘Okay, a headless horse-person! How am I supposed to fight someone with no head?’

  ‘Don’t worry. You can’t fail!’ Phredde reminded me.

  ‘Yeah. But maybe I can get my head cut off while I’m not failing!’

  ‘Crit, crit, crit,’ croaked Bruce.

  I glared at him. ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘Sorry. I was swearing in froggish,’ apologised Bruce.

  ‘Well, that’s a great help!’ I muttered. ‘We’re in dire and immediate peril and all you can do is swear in froggish! You know what I think? I think you can take your froggish and…’

  ‘Er, Pru,’ said Phredde warningly.

  ‘And stuff it…’

  ‘Pru!’

  ‘…right up…yes, what?’

  ‘That headless horse-person is getting awfully close!’

  ‘She’s scared,’ snickered Amelia. She was dressed as a witch, which was just right for Amelia, though the white bandage on her ankle spoilt it all a bit.
‘Pru’s a scaredy pumpkin! Scared of a headless horse-person!’

  I thrust my shoulders back. ‘I am not scared!’ I snarled. ‘You go fight the headless horse-person if you’re so brave!’

  ‘Me!’ Amelia blinked. ‘I can’t go because I twisted my ankle,’ she said hurriedly.

  ‘Huh!’ I snorted as I stepped out into the night.

  How do you get rid of a headless horse-person? I tried to think quickly. ‘Um…go away!’ I yelled.

  The horse galloped closer and closer still. My legs were saying, Run! Run! Run!

  So I did.

  ‘Oh, what the heck…’ I screamed, and ran forward, as fast as I could. It wasn’t much of a battle cry but YOU try being charged by a headless horse-person and see if you come up with a better one.

  Gallop, gallop, gallop. (That was the headless horse-person.)

  Flip flop, flip flop. (That was me, in my pumpkinseed slippers.)

  Closer. Closer. The headless horse-person was nearly upon me! I drew the most fearsome weapon I owned—my foot—and kicked the horse right in the kneecaps and shut my eyes. This is IT, I thought. Either I’m going to be trodden into squelshy bits of sodden Prudence pumpkin or else…

  FLOINGGGGGGGGGGG!

  Or else I’ll be floating up above the hall while the headless horse-person goes PLIP! and vanishes. Then I’ll float down gently…

  ‘You did it!’ screamed Phredde.

  ‘I said she would,’ said Bruce smugly.

  ‘So what?’ said Amelia. ‘It was the FLOING! that did it really!’

  ‘But still Pru had to put herself in danger first for the FLOING! to be activated!’ Phredde pointed out. ‘It only works if she’s in danger.’

  Suddenly Mr Ploppy Bottom was beside us, staring at me with his cold, cold eyes, while his too-friendly smile beamed at me.

  ‘Very good!’ he said, but something else dripped behind his words. ‘A brave little pumpkin indeed! Let’s see how you cope with the next threat, hmm?’

  ‘The…the next threat?’ I whispered.

  Mr Ploppy Bottom’s beam shone brightly over us all. ‘Oh yes. I’m sure there’ll be one. Aren’t you?’

  And that was the trouble. Because I was sure too.

  Chapter 22

  The Really Big, Bad Wolf

  ‘It’s a big, bad wolf,’ said Phredde. She’d appointed herself lookout and was hovering just above the hall door.

  ‘How do you know it’s a big, bad wolf?’

  ‘Well, it’s got long teeth, it’s furry, has a big snout and is dressed as a grandmother.’

  That seemed to settle it. I squared my shoulders and marched through the doors.

  It WAS a big, bad wolf. It wore a white curly wig, a bonnet and a pink floral dress that looked really dumb with its black fur.

  ‘Kinky!’ muttered Bruce behind me.

  ‘Hello, little pumpkin!’ cried the big, bad wolf kindly.

  I stared at him. ‘Ooh, what a big, hairy nose you have, Grandma,’ I said sarcastically.

  ‘All the better to smell the roses with, my dear,’ smiled the big, bad wolf kindly.

  ‘And what big, horrible claws you have, Grandma!’

  ‘All the better to knit booties with!’ exclaimed the big, bad wolf.

  ‘And what big teeth,’ I began. Then suddenly I was sick of it. I hadn’t even had a chance to dance yet and here was this dumb wolf trying to trick me with some stupid kiddy game. ‘Look, buster, exactly how long have you been dressing up as a grandmother?’ I snarled.

  ‘Oh, but I am a grandmother, dear,’ said the big, bad wolf a bit desperately.

  ‘And I’m the phaery Pinkerbelle,’ I snorted.

  The wolf sort of deflated. ‘I’m not very good at this, am I?’ he sniffed sadly.

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘The big furry ears are a dead giveaway.’

  ‘I just can’t help it!’ cried the wolf. ‘One day I thought it would be a good idea to put a bonnet on! And then it was the dress and the wig, then support stockings and…I know I should stop, but I can’t!’

  ‘And I suppose you want to eat us all up with your big, sharp teeth,’ I said wearily. I was getting a bit tired of it all to tell you the truth. Fighting deadly creatures from beyond the Gates of Reality is exhausting, especially when you haven’t even had time to visit the supper table.

  ‘Actually,’ whispered the wolf confidentially, ‘I’d rather have a tomato sandwich and a nice date scone with jam and cream and a cup of tea. It’s a grandmother thing.’

  ‘Phredde,’ I said. ‘Take him inside and see if there are any scones left on the supper table.’

  And that was the end of the big bad wolf.

  Chapter 23

  A Gytrash

  The Gytrash was next. Phredde said a Gytrash can look like a dog or a horse. But this one was a cow. A black-and-white cow nosing among the garbage bins. It looked pretty normal apart from the glowing purple eyes. And the fangs, of course.

  ‘What does a Gytrash do to you?’ I asked Phredde, peering out at it.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Phredde hollowly. ‘No one has ever survived to tell the tale.’

  ‘Do you know?’ I asked Bruce.

  ‘Sorry,’ he said carelessly. He didn’t look worried at ALL. ‘I’ve never met a Gytrash.’

  ‘That’s a fat lot of use,’ I said. The cow was munching the weeds in the Year Four herb garden now. ‘Hey, moo face!’ I yelled. By now, I was in no mood to be polite.

  The cow looked up at me with its purple eyes. ‘Moo,’ it said. ‘I’m a nice moo-cow eating grass. No relation at all to deadly creatures from beyond the Gates of Reality.’

  ‘Look,’ I snarled, ‘to begin with that isn’t grass, it’s a lavender bush. And nice moo-cows just say moo.’

  ‘I did say moo,’ objected the cow.

  ‘You also said, I’m a nice moo-cow. It’s a bit obvious.’

  ‘Bother,’ said the cow.

  ‘The purple eyes don’t work either,’ I told it.

  ‘How about pink?’ And the Gytrash’s eyes changed to bright pink and flamed through the darkness.

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Green? Yellow?’

  ‘Nope and nope.’

  ‘Deadly z-ray?’ asked the Gytrash.

  ‘What’s deadly z-ray?’ I asked cautiously.

  ‘It’s the next one up from x-ray. But REALLY deadly,’ the Gytrash told me.

  ‘Oh,’ I said, as its eyes began to glow. They weren’t purple now, or even green or yellow. They were a silvery glow that seemed to fill the world. I could feel myself fading, fading, fading…

  Where was my FLOING!? Had I worn it out? Maybe you only had a certain number of FLOING!s, I thought desperately, like a cat has nine lives. How many FLOING!s had I used so far?

  I tried to count them. The gorilla, one, the castle battlements, two…but I was too weak even to count. Goodbye, world, I thought, as I shut my eyes. It’s been…

  FLOINGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

  Chapter 24

  The Phaery Godmother Arrives!

  ‘I’ve had it!’

  I opened my eyes. The Gytrash cow was gone. In its place was a Phaery Godmother. Yeah, you know the type, spangly ball gown, big wand. And a look just like Mum gets if I’m three days late tidying my room.

  ‘A charging gorilla!’ yelled the Phaery Godmother. ‘Corgi guts on the battlements! Falling off a flying carpet! And now deadly creatures from beyond the Gates of Reality! I quit! You can find yourself a new Phaery Godmother!’

  ‘But I don’t have a Phaery Godmother!’ I cried.

  ‘Yes, you do,’ said Bruce. ‘That’s what I was trying to tell you before I got a face full of custard! I gave you MY Phaery Godmother as a birthday present. Mum and Dad took out a Godmother contract for me when I was born. I gave her to you for your birthday, but you didn’t give me time to tell you.’

  ‘You what?’ I cried. ‘Why?’

  ‘To keep you safe!’ explained Bruce. ‘So I don’t have to worry when you’re
having all your adventures.’

  ‘You worry about me?’ I yelled.

  ‘Of course I worry about you!’ said Bruce. ‘I think you’re won…’

  The Phaery Godmother coughed. ‘Ahem. I wouldn’t want to break up all this soppy stuff,’ she said. ‘But in case either of you’ve forgotten, I just quit. You’ll have to hire another Phaery Godmother,’ she informed Bruce.

  ‘But you can’t quit NOW!’ cried Phredde. ‘Not when we’re faced with deadly creatures from beyond the Gates of Reality till midnight! It’s unethical.’

  The Phaery Godmother sighed. ‘Oh, very well,’ she said. ‘But after midnight that is IT!’

  FLOINGGGGGGGGGGG!

  Suddenly the hands of the school hall clock pointed to midnight. And the Phaery Godmother was gone.

  Halloween was over. The Gates of Reality were shut.

  We were safe.

  Chapter 25

  Mr Ploppy Bottom Confesses

  ‘Hey,’ I said, ‘if she was a Phaery Godmother, how come she didn’t PING!?’

  Phredde and Bruce both stared at me. ‘Have you ever heard a Phaery Godmother PING!?’ demanded Phredde.

  ‘No,’ I admitted.

  ‘Phaery Godmothers always FLOING!,’ said Phredde. ‘I thought everyone knew that! If I’d guessed you had a Phaery Godmother I’d have worked out this mystery ages ago.’

  ‘There’s still one mystery left,’ said Bruce grimly. ‘And I have a feeling we’d better get to the bottom of it.’

  I giggled. ‘Hey, is that a pun?’

  ‘Huh?’ said Bruce.

  ‘Get to the bottom of the mystery. Mr Ploppy Bottom,’ I explained.

  ‘Ignore her,’ said Phredde. ‘She’s had a hard night fighting monsters. Come on, let’s go.’

  Bruce nodded. ‘We’d better get rid of Mr Ploppy Bottom before he does any more harm.’

  Phredde, Bruce and I pushed our way through the hall. Well, I pushed, Phredde flapped and Bruce hopped. Everyone was looking a bit stunned, and one of the younger kids had wet himself. A few of the vampires had turned back into bats and were hanging from the Halloween lanterns, squeaking. But mostly everyone seemed to be wondering what to do next.