Seasons of Her Life

by Fern Michaels

  I wanted you to make me proud of you, not ashamed.

  Andrew

  Ruby folded the letter and then ripped it into tiny shreds. She did the same thing with the flimsy air mail envelope. She watched, dry-eyed, when the tiny little pieces fluttered into the trash barrel.

  “Go to hell, Andrew,” she snapped.

  He hadn’t even asked how Martha was. Nothing on this earth could make her move now. This was where she would be when her husband returned, housing or no housing.

  Ruby hated herself two weeks later when she walked out to the avenue to try to call Mrs. Frankel. A steward answered the phone and said the Frankels were back in the States, visiting their children and weren’t due to return until after Thanksgiving, but no later than the first of December. She didn’t know why she felt relieved at the words. Now she could stay. She’d given up calling the base. They had the number at St. Andrew’s. Father Joachim would have given her a message if they’d called. Let Andrew fight with them on his return. Let him see how the Marine Corps took care of its own.

  She hadn’t responded to Andrew’s letter and had no intention of doing so. She was still angry and would probably remain angry for a very long time. Andrew had a lot of apologizing to do. A lot.

  Ruby was scrubbing the kitchen floor when she noticed movement by the screen door. She looked up to see her husband towering over her. He looked so sharply creased, she wanted to throw the bucket of dirty water all over him. She sat back on her haunches, her hands full of soapy water. She knew she looked awful. She needed a permanent and her skin was rough and peeling. Her nose was red from standing in the sun, hanging out the wash. Even her ears were red. The hostility that had been building steadily since Andrew’s last letter exploded. “You’re standing in my way. I have to finish this. Move!”

  “What do you mean, move? Get up, Ruby. You look like a damn scrubwoman.”

  “You’re wrong, Andrew. I don’t look like a scrubwoman, I am a scrubwoman. And when I’m done with this floor, I have to scrub the bathroom, and then I have to take the clothes off the line and fold them, and then I have to cook dinner. Move, please, you’ll make me run late. I’m on a schedule. You should understand that, being a marine.”

  “I told you I wanted you out of here,” Andrew blustered.

  “I guess you’re aware I didn’t pay any attention. I didn’t bother to write back because I had no intention of moving. Do you have a place for us to live?”

  “For Christ’s sake, I just got in, not three hours ago. Do you think I’m some kind of magician?”

  “Do you think I’m one?” Ruby retaliated.

  “We’ll go to a hotel. Get the kid.”

  “The kid’s name is Martha, or did you forget? She’s napping, and no, I won’t wake her. I’m not going with you, Andrew. When you have a place for us to live, and it better be decent, then and only then will I think about leaving here. Not before. There had better be decent furniture, too. You know, you could have sent me some money. As I understand it, there isn’t a whole lot you could spend money on in Korea. Did you want me to beg?”

  “C’mon, Ruby, I just got back. Give me a break. We haven’t seen each other in so long, I can’t remember how many months it is. I just want my wife and ki—Martha. Jesus, what’s happening to us? I thought you’d be glad to see me.”

  “Why? So you can tell me how ashamed you are of me? No thanks. Why don’t you leave now, before we both say things we can’t take back. I have to finish this floor.”

  “I’m not leaving here without you and the kid. Now, let’s go!”

  “I told you my terms,” Ruby said stonily. “Take them or leave them.” She dropped to the floor and dipped the scrub rag into the bucket. She sloshed soapy water all over the floor. “Move, Andrew!”

  “Damn you, Ruby, I’m not going to put up with this.” He reached down to grab hold of her arm, but Ruby slid out of his way. His face full of rage, Andrew moved to the door.

  “Andrew, wait a minute,” Ruby called. She was on her feet in an instant, the bucket in her hands. She swung it upward, the dirty water hitting him square in the chest. He sputtered and bellowed.

  “Now you can leave. But I think it’s only fair to tell you I may decide not to return with you. I’ve been thinking a lot about going back to Washington with Martha. Be warned. My decision will be based on your attitude, and let’s hope for both our sakes that it improves a great deal. Don’t come back here and ... embarrass me again. Just bring an apology from you and one from the Corps. Close the door on your way out.”

  Well outside the door, Andrew spat out, “Give me the keys to the car. I can’t go back to the base looking like this.”

  “The car isn’t working. As you can see, I have no money to get it repaired. It’s my car, and don’t you forget it.”

  “Paid for with my money. That makes it half mine. You’re going to regret all of this, Ruby. This was supposed to be a happy homecoming,” he yelled, stalking off.

  Ruby filled the scrub bucket a second time. She should be feeling something, but she wasn’t. She hadn’t wanted to touch him, to kiss him. She hadn’t even wanted him to see Martha.

  It took Andrew a full two weeks before he returned. He looked humble, but Ruby knew it was a temporary state of affairs. He even went so far as to look misty-eyed when he was introduced to his daughter and she wouldn’t go near him, but ran to Mattie, who picked her up and cuddled her against her ample bosom.

  The good-byes were tearful. Ruby was so choked up, she could barely speak. “I’ll come back every Wednesday. I promise.” She was rewarded with wet eyes and tremulous smiles. Joshua howled his displeasure, his tail between his legs as he stalked Andrew. Ruby wondered indifferently if the dog would bite her husband. Instead, in front of everyone, the dog boldly lifted his leg and peed down Andrew’s smartly creased uniform. Ruby laughed, she couldn’t help herself. The grandparents smiled and Martha giggled, wanting to be part of the fun. Even Father Joachim did his best to hide a grin.

  “Thank you, Father, for everything. I’ll come back and visit.”

  In the car on the way back to Pearl, Andrew unlocked his jaw long enough to say, “I don’t want you to ever go back to that place again. Do you hear me?”

  “Stuff it, Andrew, and don’t ever make the mistake of telling me what to do again. We might be married, but you don’t own me.”

  “Can you shut that kid up? All she’s done since you got in the car is bawl.”

  “You’re strange to her, Andrew, she doesn’t know you. And you’ve just upset her life. Babies and children don’t like change. It’s going to take her a few days to get used to you. Can’t you at least be a little understanding?”

  “That’s almost funny, coming from you, Ruby. When I asked you to be understanding, you tossed a bucket of water at me. Dirty water.”

  “That’s not the same thing, and you know it. I’m not in the mood to fight, so if you don’t mind, let’s make the rest of the trip in silence. I’m still a little raw.”

  “Ha!” Andrew snorted.

  Ruby mimicked her husband, her last show of defiance. Once they were settled in their apartment she would have to be a dutiful marine wife again if she wanted her marriage to work. Martha needed a father. She wasn’t sure anymore if she needed a husband. Like it or not, for the time being, she had one.

  The apartment in Pearl City was dingy and dark, but it was clean enough, she decided. All their furniture was there. At least the Corps had done that much for her. Nothing appeared damaged.

  While Ruby made up Martha’s bed so the child could nap, Andrew went to the grocery store for food. Martha was still wailing for her grandparents, calling for them by name, one after another, to Ruby’s dismay. She was off the bottle now, and the promise of juice, a cookie, or a sugar stick didn’t work the magic she thought it would. She was also old enough to crawl over the bars of her crib. Ruby’s nerves were twanging at an all-time high when Andrew walked through the door, both arms full of grocerie
s. He was stony-faced when he strode into Martha’s room. Ruby watched as he picked up the child and put her into the crib but not before he swatted her on the rear end. “You will not climb out of that bed again. You will not even think about it. When I say it’s time to get out, your mother will take you out. Do you understand?” When Martha sobbed harder, Andrew took her thumb from her mouth and said, “Say ‘yes, sir.’ ” Martha hiccoughed and struggled to get her hand free from her father’s tight grasp. “When you say ‘yes, sir,’ you can go to sleep.”

  “That’s enough, Andrew, you’re scaring her out of her wits. Enough, I said!” Ruby screamed.

  “I can see you’re weak in the discipline department. That isn’t going to work here. When she says ‘yes, sir,’ she gets to go to sleep, and not before. We might as well train her now. Untrain her is more like it. You botched it up, Ruby. Go make dinner. I’ll handle this.”

  “Andrew, for God’s sake, she’s just a baby. She doesn’t understand.”

  “She understands enough to keep bawling. She’s holding her breath. She’s spoiled. Don’t worry, nothing’s going to happen to her.”

  A long time later, or an eternity later, Ruby thought, Martha ceased her screaming. Andrew returned to the kitchen, a triumphant look on his face. “She said it. Patience is all it takes. She’ll probably go through that act for a few more days, and then we’ll have some peace.”

  “I hate you for that, Andrew,” Ruby said. “Just what did you accomplish in there? Now she’s going to sleep through dinner and be all wound up when it’s time to go to bed for the night. You’re a brute.”

  “My kids are going to learn respect.”

  “What’s happened to you, Andrew? You weren’t like this before you left for Korea. She’s not a damn soldier and neither am I. She’s just a baby. I can’t forgive you for this.”

  “You better try. And nothing happened to me in Korea. Martha is no longer a baby. She walks and she talks, so that makes her a little person, and little persons are little soldiers. All military men feel that way about their children. Wise up, Ruby. I’m serious about this, so don’t even think about undermining me. If you do, it will be twice as hard on the kid.”

  Ruby turned her back on her husband. She removed the scrambled eggs and bacon from the stove and handed Andrew his plate. Her own was untouched when Andrew pushed back his chair. “C’mon, let’s go to bed, I waited long enough.”

  Ruby’s stomach churned. Making love was the last thing she wanted to do. Especially with this man standing next to her. Something must have showed on her face, because Andrew grabbed her by the arm and dragged her to the bedroom.

  An hour later, Ruby left the bedroom to take a shower. She felt like she’d been raped. She’d tried to be responsive, to smile. She did her best to feel something, and when she couldn’t summon the passion she’d felt previously for her husband, she lay still and succumbed to his hunger.

  She faked her orgasm.

  In the days to come, Ruby lost all sense of who she was. Andrew confiscated her car for his own use, deliberately making it difficult for her to go to St. Andrew’s. Once she suggested she drive him to the office, but he read her intent. He gave her one excuse after another. Determined to go to St. Andrew’s, she took three buses and didn’t return till after eight in the evening. Just in time to feel Andrew’s wrath. She didn’t care.

  She no longer tried to make him happy. A week after his return, she knew it wasn’t possible. She started making plans to leave, to return to Washington with Martha. She’d written a letter to the bank, one to Rena, and one to Opal, asking for advice. Opal generously offered to send her the money she’d saved by living rent-free, and Ruby accepted the offer. She had enough for a plane ticket back to Washington, when she discovered she was pregnant.

  She carried the baby till the seventh month, certain all along that something was wrong because she felt no movement. The baby, a boy, was stillborn. She settled into a fit of depression that lasted three months. She postponed her trip back to the States and returned the money to her sister.

  Every chance she got she returned to St. Andrew’s to do whatever she could to help her friends. She suffered through Andrew’s blistering confrontations because she always felt good about herself and happy when she returned from a long day at the parish.

  A year and a half later, Ruby discovered she was pregnant again, just after new orders came through. They were being transferred to California. At least California was closer to Washington than Hawaii was, she told herself.

  She cried bitter tears when she said good-bye to all those she’d come to love at St. Andrew’s. She vowed to never forget them and promised to do whatever she could to aid them, a promise she intended to keep.

  Martha was four when the new baby was born, a roly-poly boy named Andrew, Junior, Andy for short. Andrew doted on his new son and totally ignored Martha, to Ruby’s relief. Fortunately, Andy was a good baby who mostly ate and slept.

  She loved California. So did Martha. It was always sunny, and somehow the days were better when the sun shone clear and bright.

  She wasn’t exactly happy, but she was content in what she considered the summer of her life.

  Andy was two years old when Andrew made rank again, still under the command of General Frankel. Being a major’s wife demanded she become involved in the military social scene. She could afford baby-sitters now, as well as new clothes, and her own car. She still wasn’t happy, but she was content.

  The day Martha turned seven, Ruby opened the door in the middle of the afternoon to what she thought would be Martha’s party guests, only it wasn’t a gang of seven-year-olds standing on her doorstep; it was her sister Opal.

  “I wanted to surprise you. We just transferred to Miramar. I told my husband I was coming here and he’d just have to get along without me. He’s a great guy, Ruby, you’ll like him when you meet,” Opal cried, swinging her sister off the ground. “God, it’s good to see you. I really missed you. Letters aren’t enough, if you know what I mean. And speaking of letters, I haven’t had one from Amber in almost a year. Last time I heard, she had seven kids. How’s that possible, Ruby?”

  Ruby laughed, never happier in her life. “If I have to tell you, then you better file for divorce. My God, Opal, it’s so good to see you. Look, you’re going to have to help me with this party. Marty has ants in her pants. She can’t wait to open her presents. That’s what this party is all about, you know.”

  “I didn’t come empty-handed.”

  After the party, while Martha played with her presents and Andy whirled around the back patio on his little bike, the sisters talked, laughed, and cried.

  “How’s Mom?” Ruby asked hesitantly.

  “I don’t know. I invited them to the wedding, but they didn’t come. You should see my in-laws, Ruby, they’re wonderful. Real parents. They laugh and talk a lot and tell jokes. Mac’s father is always clapping him on the back, and his mother is forever kissing and hugging him. He pretends to be embarrassed, but he isn’t. You know, when he calls his family he never hangs up till he says I love you both to his mom and dad. We really bummed out, didn’t we?”

  “Victims,” Ruby said sadly. “Just like Mom.”

  “C’mon, I want to hear all about Major Blue and Calvin,” she said slyly. “Everything, Ruby, and don’t leave out one word. We have years to catch up on. Swear, every word.”

  “Okay, you got it. You better sit back. You see, it was like this . . .”

  Three hours later Opal said, “Are you telling me you never, as in never, heard from Calvin? Ruby, how can that be? I thought.... what I mean is, you loved him heart and soul. Your marriage doesn’t sound like it was made in heaven. Why don’t you try and contact him again? It will put some spice in your life. I dare you!” Opal said devilishly. “I would.”

  “Would you really?” Ruby said.

  “Yep. Life’s too short not to be happy. I say go for whatever makes you happy. Think about all those miserable years we
had growing up. We’re never going to get them back, not that either one of us wants them. But we should be compensated somehow, don’t you think?”

  “Well ...”

  “Well what?”

  “I’m married,” Ruby said lamely.

  “You could get a divorce if you wanted to. We don’t have to answer to Mom and Dad anymore.”

  “Opal, I . . . I’m afraid I can’t sustain any kind of relationship. Everything always goes sour. Only at St. Andrew’s, where I worked like a dog, was I happy. Why is that? I felt like I was just beginning to find out who I was and then bam, we moved, and I’m back to the same old me. Does any of this make sense to you?”

  “Sure, you’re nuts like the rest of us.” Opal giggled.

  “Aren’t you ever serious?” Ruby demanded.

  “I try not to be. I had enough of that back in Barstow. I like it on the edge. I guess I get that from Mac.”

  Ruby looked at her sister. She was pretty, in a wholesome way, with her large blue eyes and soft golden curls. She was tiny, size six, maybe a four. Petite. But she was nervous, her hands and head seemed to be in constant motion, her feet tapping the floor in rhythm with her moving hands. She smoked too much and she was already on her fourth drink.

  “I guess you’re a free spirit,” Ruby said.

  “Pretty much so. Now, what are you going to do about Calvin what’s his name?”

  Ruby laughed. “Well ...”

  CHAPTER NINE

  Ruby felt as if a piece of her life were being cut away when Opal left four days later. They’d had such a wonderful time trading gossip and memories. Pop was still peeing through a tube; no one had heard from Grace since she’d moved to Pittsburgh; and Rena now had four holes in each ear for her jewelry. She had become quite a real estate tycoon, now owning a dozen properties. Of the three Connors sisters, Opal had come out of Barstow the healthiest. That she was happy showed on her face. Ruby had felt more than one twinge of envy as she talked to her sister. She felt shame now, though, when she remembered the way they’d sliced Amber up in little pieces and their father as well.