Pretty Little Lies

by Jennifer Miller

I lean back in my white plush chair and take in my surroundings. Across from the waiting area are the women’s restrooms and across from the restrooms is a full style vanity that contains every single product and beauty tool a woman would need to get ready to go out after leaving the spa. Further down the hallway are the women’s showers, a sauna, and a steam room. Pyper really does have excellent taste. The whole area is done in various shades of gold, brown, and white. It couldn’t be more classy and trendy, yet infuses a relaxing and renewing ambiance at the same time. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen the spa, but she’s made some changes since I was here last.

  “Pyper everything looks amazing. This place has really come together. You must be so proud of yourself!”

  “I don’t know if I would say that, but I do really love this place, and I’m thrilled that S&S is doing so well.”

  We aren’t waiting long before our estheticians arrive, halting our conversation. We are taken through a door at the back of the room that has us exiting toward the pool. There is an enclosed walkway that leads us to another building that houses all the treatment rooms. Walking through the ornate wood door, I pause, momentarily transfixed by the effortless beauty - the large Zen garden in the center – simple plants and flowers arranged in an appropriate feng shui style, a rake set to the side apparently for rearranging the soil – a calming exercise for the mind - I have heard - and the treatment rooms outlying the perimeter situated in a large square. The mood is calm and serene, and I can hear the trickle of water from the fountain at the Zen garden’s center. We are escorted to the last door on the left, which has a plaque beside the door, indicating that it is a couple’s treatment room. I snicker. I briefly consider the interesting rumors that Pyper and I could generate and snicker again! But, eagerness to begin my facial envelopes me and I quickly take my place on one of the treatment tables. It’s going to feel amazing.

  An hour later, having received my facial, I’m lying on my stomach with my eyes closed, listening to very soft music with the pleasant aroma of lavender oil infiltrating my pores. Hands move swiftly, but firmly, working out all the knots in my neck, back and shoulders that I received from driving the Avenger for twenty-six long hours. I feel the tension of the drive – and the last few months - melting away. I am in pure heaven. With great effort, I turn my head slightly to the side and glance at Pyper who is receiving her massage on the table next to mine and our eyes connect. She was obviously staring at me. It’s unnerving when we do that, I swear we really do share a brain. We grin at each other and resume the position.

  “This was the best idea ever,” I somehow manage to vocalize.

  “I know. I expect payment in alcohol.”

  I can’t help but laugh. Oh well – so much for the healthy benefit of releasing our nasty toxins. Here’s to new, yet-to-be-discovered contaminants! “You got it!”

  “So what do you want to do tonight? Want to get dressed up and hit the town? Any old friends you want me to call up and invite out with us? What should we do for your first night home?”

  I laugh at her, “Dressed up and hit the town? After this? No way. I’m going to be ready for a nap. Honestly, I would just love to stay in and drink some good wine, enjoy the gorgeous view from your condo and order takeout pizza from Gino’s East. After this pampering, I’m not going to feel like moving a muscle. Does that sound okay to you?”

  “Your wish is my command. Today and tonight is all about you.”

  “Well in that case, I say we get the aforementioned wine, takeout and maybe a chick flick. I just want to enjoy a night in with my best friend. I haven’t seen you in way too long, and would just like a quiet evening in, where I can talk with you without having to share you with anyone or yell over loud music!”

  “Like I said, babe…whatever you want. That sounds like the perfect evening.”

  As my masseuse starts massaging down the back of my legs and her hands make their way to my feet I know I made the right decision. My body is going to feel like rubber after this.

  Several hours later, feeling completely refreshed, relaxed, primped, plucked and pampered, Pyper and I return to her – now our - condo, giggling, our arms full of packages. We are loaded down with new bed linens, spa products I just had to have, a large pizza, the movie Pitch Perfect, and of course, both red and white wine. We are ready for our girls night in!

  Pyper starts grabbing plates and wine glasses out of the kitchen cupboard, and I head back to my room to drop off my purchases. Returning to the kitchen, I accept the plate with a slice of the best pizza in Chicago, and a large glass of slightly fruity smelling red wine. We head to the living room and settle ourselves on the couch and I take my first bite of heaven. Who needs anything else – this is orgasmic!

  “Ohh myyy gaawwwd. Wow I have missed this stuff. No one does pizza like Chicago. All of those places in Boston that boast Chicago Style on their signs ought to be arrested for false advertising…it is nothing like the real thing. They can never get it just right.”

  Pyper giggles, “You sound like you are enjoying that pizza a little too much!”

  “Go ahead and laugh it up bitch! If you had gone as long without a man and sex as I have, you would take pleasure in anything you could too,” I say laughing with her.

  “Who needs a man when you can just use a vibrator? Come on, tell me you have one!”

  “Of course I have one. After my divorce, I ordered the mother of all vibes! It undulates, vibrates, pulsates, massages and even tells me how beautiful I am.”

  Pyper chokes and almost spits her wine all over the place, while I giggle uncontrollably like I’m a sixteen year old girl. “I obviously need to upgrade to whatever version you have!”

  “Seriously, it has been ages. You don’t appreciate what you’re missing until you don’t have it at your beck and call anymore. There may have been a lot of other things wrong with Deacon and me, but we didn’t lack sexual chemistry. He could always rock my world; problem was it wasn’t only my world he was rockin’.”

  Pyper snorts, “Better you found out when you did, as opposed to a few years down the line when you could have had kids!”

  “I absolutely agree. Not that it made it any easier.”

  “I know Livvie.” I smile at the use of my nickname, “I’m not trying to make light of it. Please don’t think that. I’m just trying to look at the positive side.”

  “Sometimes I still can’t believe this has happened and I wonder if I did the right thing. I wonder if I should have been willing to give him another chance, or if I should have gone to couple’s counseling instead of just individually, but I think I always knew deep down that it was very likely our marriage was going to end up in divorce. I mean, I’d always had a plan, a path in life. You know me…I was the straight-A student through high school, class president, head cheerleader. I had a plan for college; I was always determined and motivated. Then, when plans fell through, I was so heartbroken and everything changed so fast. I wondered what it all meant. Why did I think any of it had been important? I felt tricked and silly. I rebelled from all of it, went nuts in college, drank, experimented, married Deacon, and by the time I woke up and started taking control of my life again, I was already in so deep. I felt stuck. I wanted to make something meaningful from all of the stupid actions and decisions, wanted to prove something. I felt I needed to own up to my actions by making it work with him. So I tolerated a lot; turned my head, made excuses. Then, when I walked in on him, it was like I was back in the very same place again. And it was the last straw; I had had it. That was it. Pretty pathetic huh?”

  “No, it’s not pathetic and no one has the right to tell you what you could have or should have done, or what they would have done. Don’t let others place their expectations on you. Everyone has an opinion about what they would do if their man ever cheated on them. Some say they’d stay at all costs, while others say they wouldn’t put up with it and would leave. Others say they would hear him out, get incredible effective counseling, bec
ause staying is easier than leaving. And then, of course, others swear they would kick their spouse’s ass and leave immediately. But the fact is, no one really knows. It’s an opinion at best, an assumption. The honest truth is that unless someone actually confronts that reality, they don’t know how they would react. How could they? There are so many variables. Being confronted with the actuality of an event is completely different than talking about what one might do IF it happened. You did what you needed to do for you. And so what?! So you lost your way for a little while, many people do at some point. The important thing is you found it again.”

  “You’re right Pyper.” I smile at her gratefully. I’m so glad I can tell her my deepest thoughts and bare my heart to her, and know without a doubt it’s safe; I am safe. “That is definitely something I’ve learned from this, too. I will never judge someone that finds themselves in a difficult situation, whether I have similar experience or not, projecting my own judgments or opinions onto them isn’t right. Aside from the fact that Deacon cheated on me, there were so many other issues. As awful as it sounds, my finding him in the act of cheating on me was almost a blessing, it made me step back and take a look at the entirety of my marriage and examine it for what it really was, and unfortunately Deacon’s infidelity was far from the only problem.”

  Taking a deep breath I admitted, “I don’t think I’ve ever felt so suffocated, so controlled in my life. When you’re in the middle of it, it’s hard to appreciate what is occurring, how stifling and limiting the other person is. Deacon never wanted me to do anything without him, have any interests that did not include him or have any life, really, outside of him. I rarely ever just had time to myself or girl time with just my friends. He was too possessive, manipulative, and dominating to allow for that and it is partially my fault because I let him. I rarely experienced anything that was truly mine – that added dimension to our relationship, to me. And work – he was jealous and angry about my work life as well, except for the income, though he embraced the fact that I didn’t need to work outside of the home. I allowed Deacon to be my whole life and included in everything I did. I didn’t have any unique contribution to make to our marriage, which only added to the isolation and claustrophobia.”

  Pyper just sits listening to me, drinking her wine, and refilling my glass as the words pour. Even though we had conversations on the phone almost every day since I began divorce proceedings, it was like a water faucet spewing after being shut off for so long, emotional words and sentiments gushing forth, but mostly focused on Deacon’s cheating bastard ways. This was the first time I’d been able to reveal to her so many of these well-hidden truths, my ugly little secrets, and some of the realities and the self-discoveries that I’d made along the way.

  “The thing is Pyper, even though I got back on track with my career and what I wanted in life, I still lost myself in my marriage. I was so caught up in being how Deacon wanted me to be and acting how he wanted me to act, even wearing what he wanted me to wear, that I forgot what I liked, who I am and what matters to me. I was running from home trying to escape the pain I was feeling from the betrayal of Luke, and even though I didn’t know it at the time, I was willing to get lost in anything and anyone to bury and diminish the intensity of the pain and loss, and even shame I felt. Deacon’s behavior made all that very easy. I was easily able to lose myself in our so-called relationship. I feel like I’ve spent part of my life living it for and as someone else. I forgot that I have needs – let alone what they are - and that I matter too. I’m just glad I came to my senses.”

  “It’s understandable, Olivia, that after what happened with you and Luke that you would have felt that way. I feel partly responsible because I knew you were running when you decided to go away to school and when you got together with Deacon. I was afraid that you were jumping into something much too quickly as a way to escape the hurt. I should have said something.”

  I shake my head in disagreement, “I wouldn’t have listened. I was lost in the numbness that partying, drinking, and my crazy rebellious activities were granting me. I was too determined to forget. I would have heard you say the words, but they wouldn’t have resonated at the time, so don’t give that another thought. And now that’s enough of that, I don’t want to talk about Luke or Deacon anymore tonight.”

  Pyper gave me a look that I knew meant she wasn’t going to listen to my request for a moment; she was not going to allow me to change the topic. “Have you thought about the fact that since you are back in Chicago, it’s likely that you are going to hear about Luke? I don’t know if he is still here, but it is a definite possibility and if so, you aren’t going to be able to hide forever.”

  “Yes I’ve thought about it, how could I not? But I still don’t want to talk about it! Not right now! I will deal with that when and if the time comes. Plus, before I can even think about that, I need to get back into the swing of things. Given that my marriage with Deacon was over long before I walked in on him and blonde bitch girl, I’ve been thinking about what it would be like to move forward for a long time. I know some might think it too soon, but I need to have life on my terms for a while. I want to have fun, flirt, and date again. I want to feel my age and try to be a bit more lighthearted. I need to get to know myself again - remember who I am, what I like, and regain confidence in making my own decisions, living without someone telling me what I can and can’t do! I’m a grown ass woman and I want to finally start acting like it. I’m taking back my life!”

  “Then let’s find you again, Olivia. Let’s get you back out there. Let’s rediscover the girl that is the best friend a girl could ever ask for! You are a remarkable, talented, smart and funny girl – with great taste – especially in friends! So, first things first, let’s get you settled in. Then, once things calm down a bit, I have a PERFECT idea on just where to start!”

  Okay - I’m not going to lie, that comment made me nervous. It could have been the gleam in her eye as she made that statement or possibly the maniacal laugh she let out after saying it. I was aware that I had opened a potential Pandora’s box.

  Oh boy.

  few weeks later, Pyper and I are hanging out in her living room, drinking wine and talking. I anxiously wait for Pyper to reveal her big idea regarding how I can get my old self back. I know I need to put myself out there and start having fun again, especially since I’m finally feeling more settled in. I have painted my new room a pretty aqua color on one wall that reminds me of the ocean. It’s gorgeous and is the perfect accent to the comforter and shams. And how lovely does that tone look with the mahogany colored furniture? I have a few other accents in mind as well. Oops, I digress. What was she saying?

  Pyper is looking at me, smiling, eager for my response. What did she say? Something about online dating and dating profiles? Did I shake my head yes and say ‘uh huh’? I hold my breath and she repeats “So, let’s create dating profiles on Date Me! Ready?”

  I just stare at her blankly for a minute, and then laugh. “Are you joking?”

  “Nope! I think it will be fun!”

  “I don’t know about that. Not to sound pompous, but do we need to use a dating site to get dates? Isn’t that for people that can’t get a man on their own? Eager people? Desperate people? Hopeless, bleak, miserable people? Is that who I am? Is that who you think I am? Do I really need to resort to that?”

  Pyper rolls her eyes at me, “This is the thing to do in the dating world. Think about it, how else are you – I mean we - going to meet a man? We don’t attend church often, and I’m not really sure I’d want to go to church to pick up a guy anyway. Something tells me God wouldn’t look on that favorably.”

  “I think you are right about that, plus that would be weird. Hi, so my name is Olivia and I saw you praying over there and thought I could be the answer to some of your requests, so maybe you’d like to go out and we could uh, worship, together? I don’t think so.”

  Laughing, Pyper continues, “Exactly. Picking guys up at bars only gets y
ou trouble. There are only so many grocery stores and produce departments. We don’t belong to any kind of social club, civic organization, or hobby group or whatever where we can meet someone. You work from home and not too many men come to the spa – and those that do are likely not looking for a relationship with gals like us. This is the way to do it. Look at it like this…you research a car before you buy it right?”

  Snorting softly I reply, “I don’t think I’m ready to ‘buy’ it yet Pyper. And what do I say? Hi, I’m Olivia, I just got divorced, and I’m eager and desperate to find someone. People will think I’m a loser and a whore!”

  “First of all, you have been living in Boston for the last seven years, and other than me, you’ve not really kept in touch with anyone here. No one will know anything unless you tell them; unless it’s something you want them to know. It isn’t like you are looking to get married. You need to have fun. And besides, it’s been a long time since you dated. You need to get back out there again. Look at it like an amusing diversion. Besides, you’re the one who said that your marriage with Deacon was over long before you actually signed those papers and you’ve been wondering what singlehood would be like again. Well, it’s time you find out. As your best friend, I’m not taking no for an answer on this. Let’s at least look! Come on Olivia, jump.”

  I can’t deny that she’s making some good points. I do want to have some enjoyment, get out and meet people and feel like a normal twenty-five year old woman. I mean, all work and no play makes Olivia a dull girl, right? In truth, I have always liked dating. Getting dressed up, the stimulation of getting to know someone new, the thrill of having a good time and the exhilaration of feeling attractive – all great feelings. The idea of making a new friend, or the potential thought of experiencing butterflies again is certainly appealing. Where would the harm be in looking at the site? I doubt anything will really come from it anyway.

  “Okay. I’ll jump. But only if we do this in tandem - you hold my hand and we jump together. I mean what are best friends for? I can’t enjoy the delight or humiliation alone you know!”