Pretty Little Lies

by Jennifer Miller

  “You look gorgeous, Pyper. Cooper will not be able to take his eyes off of you!” I mean it. She looks eye-popping in a lace three-quarter sleeve dress that is emphasizing all of her curves. Her lips are a gorgeous red, while the rest of her makeup is subtle. Her fiery red hair is shoulder length, with choppy ends and side swept bangs. If she were blonde, she would look like Reese Witherspoon, but with green eyes. She has a cute, pert nose, but it is the sharp chin and jaw line that make her resemble Reese.

  “Thanks! I see you are switching bags. I was hoping that was the case, can I borrow your leopard bag? I’m going to wear my leopard print heels and your bag would look fantastic with them.”

  I pull out the last of the items that were left in the bag - a chapstick, a quarter and old receipt that fell to the bottom and hand the bag to Pyper. “It’s yours, here you go.”

  Her smile and calm demeanor helps to relax me a bit. “I’m nervous. I keep going back and forth on whether or not I can do this.”

  “You will be fine. All you are doing is having conversation with someone over dinner. That’s it. You know, I only want you to be happy and if you really don’t think you’re ready, then we can call it all off right now. You don’t have to do this, though I do think it will be good for you. Get your first date out of the way. But, there’s no pressure here. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. I know I tease you and get a little bossy at times, but it is all meant in love. I just want you to find happiness again, but how and when you decide to look for it is always on your terms.”

  “I know that Pyper, and you’re right, this will be good for me. I said I wanted to date again and feel my age. I admit I’m nervous, yes, but I’m excited too. It’s just that the fear of the unknown is overshadowing the excitement a bit.”

  Pyper walks over and hugs me. “Regardless of how Daniel is or isn’t, you are amazing. Remember that. Have fun, and I can’t wait to talk to you when we both get back and compare our evenings!”

  “You have fun, too. Remember though, if anything goes wrong, call me immediately and I will be there as soon as I can get there. No questions asked.”

  “You got it, same goes for you okay?”

  “You bet! Okay. Well, I have to head out, or I’m going to be late.”

  “Me too! I need to hurry! Bye, Olivia, it will be great! You’ll see!”

  An hour later, I’m sitting at a table across from Daniel with a glass of white wine, and a plate of four cheese ravioli in front of me that is so fabulous I would marry it if I could. Seriously, it is melting in my mouth. The service is impeccable and the lights are dimmed low to create an intimate ambiance. I can see people at the tables closest to us, but the people sitting at the tables further away look like moving shadows. The candle on the table makes light dance across Daniel’s face. He really is attractive, and I have enjoyed looking at him, but his beauty does not make up for the fact that he is incredibly arrogant and proud of it.

  “I was the best baseball player on our team in college. My batting average was an amazing three ninety-six. Other players were close, but no one could outdo me. I would have definitely gone to the pros too if I hadn’t ripped a tendon in my shoulder.”

  When he started this story he was just finding his love of baseball in junior high. Yes, it has gone on that long. Aside from the fact he loves to talk about himself and I’ve barely gotten a word in, this whole conversation is happening between him and my boobs. Not once has he made eye contact with me. Not. Once. Even when he introduced himself, he was looking at my chest. I wonder if he thinks they are going to start talking back to him.

  “Tell me about what you do for a living.” I try to steer the conversation in a different direction.

  “I’m getting there,” he says brushing me off. “So after I hurt my shoulder, I tried to continue playing ball, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that my baseball career was over….” I’m barely listening to him. I just nod and make humming noises where it seems appropriate, while inhaling my tasty pasta. I briefly hope I’m not looking like a pig in front of him, but then I realize he doesn’t even notice - he’s still staring at my boobs. I wonder if I shake them in a shimmy, if his face would move quickly back and forth in time with my breasts. It could be amusing to test that theory.

  I sigh to myself. I guess I have only myself to blame. I mean after we were seated I did ask him to tell me about himself. I just didn’t know that he would go on and on and on. He hasn’t asked one thing about me. At least I know why the man is still single.

  “Are you finished, Miss?” The waiter is standing next to me and I didn’t even notice him appear, given my inner monologue. I look down to realize I am finished.

  “Oh, um, yes, thank you very much.”

  He looks to Daniel, “Sir?”

  “Yes, I’m finished too,” he tells the waiter while still looking at my breasts. I can’t help it, I shake them just a little and holy hell! His head does move side to side a bit. Oh man, just wait until I tell Pyper about this. She’s going to tease me for days about how my boobs have magical mesmerizing abilities.

  Before the waiter walks away, he places the bill on the table.

  Daniel grabs the bill looks at it for a moment and I don’t believe my ears when he says, “Okay so your glass of wine was nine dollars, and your plate of pasta is fourteen dollars, so your total is going to be twenty-three dollars.” I’m pretty sure my mouth is hanging open but he doesn’t notice. “He was a good waiter too, so I’d recommend you tip him fifteen to twenty percent.”

  I’m shocked into speechlessness. It isn’t that I mind paying for my own dinner, but I admit, I assumed he would pick up the tab. To me, that is just a gentlemanly thing to do. It shows that the man has an innate need to take care of a woman and, admittedly, I find that attractive.

  Taking my wallet out of my purse, I grab a twenty and ten dollar bill and set it in the tray the waiter provided to collect the money. “Here you go.”

  Daniel glances at what I’ve left and says, “I will tell him you need change.”

  “No it’s fine. I don’t want change.”

  “That is much more than twenty percent Olivia, he really doesn’t need that much.”

  “Daniel, I’m perfectly aware it is more than twenty percent. Please leave it as it is. Thank you.” Talk about a tight wad. Ugh. Just get me out of here already.

  He sighs at me. He SIGHS AT ME! I would love to smack him and then get the hell out of here.

  When he places his money on the tray with mine, I stand and grab my jacket and purse. He stands and waits for me to put my jacket on, never once offering to help me get it over my shoulders. We are making our way towards the entrance to the restaurant when I feel him grab my ass. Before I can whirl around he whispers in my ear, “I got us a room that we can use for a few hours or all night. I suggest we see how it goes. Of course, if we only use it a few hours, then it will be cheaper for us than if we stay for the whole night.”

  I stop. I literally stop and blink. Did he just say that? I feel anger start rising in my chest and progressively moving upwards, heating my face and neck. I slowly turn to him and since my jacket isn’t buttoned up the front yet, he of course is looking at my breasts. Again.

  I reach out and push his chin up until his eyes meet my angry ones. “My eyes are right here, asshole. If you were hoping my boobs were going to start speaking to you, that’s not going to happen. It is clear that you are your own number one fan, and aside from the fact it’s insulting that you assume I would be intimate with you after the first date, if you are anything in bed like you are out of it, I’m not interested. I don’t doubt for a second that sex with you would bore me to tears, not to mention that you would likely talk about yourself the whole time during your…uh, performance. I can assure you, that while you would no doubt think you were fantastic, I would find you lacking. I am not going anywhere with you. Don’t contact me again.”

  With that, I storm past the tables and head towards the exit, n
ot even caring if anyone heard me. As I make my way to the door, I just keep my head down, looking at the ground, because I know my face is flushed in anger, and I just want to get home and forget this date ever happened. Just as I step out the door and the cold air hits me, I slightly bump into someone. “Oh, sorry,” I mumble. I hear a gasp. I hope I didn’t hurt whomever I bumped into, but I don’t stop and ask. I’m practically running to my car.

  Once safely buckled in, I start the car and I can’t get out of there fast enough. I can’t believe I just had the date from hell. As tears of frustration and anger build in my eyes, I wonder why I even attempted to do this.

  Wait. I know why.

  Pyper.

  I laugh out loud. That read headed bitch isn’t going to know what hit her when I get home!

  he’s a voodoo priestess and she has worked some kind of voodoo magic on me. That has to be what it is. How else can I explain the fact that I’m dressed for what will likely be another dating nightmare of torturous proportions? Am I being dramatic? Absolutely. I’m prone to drama in situations like this.

  Somehow, Pyper has managed to talk me off the ledge from my awful date with Daniel. After she finished laughing about what an ass Daniel turned out to be, she told me the horrible story of her own date.

  “I’m serious, Olivia, the guy’s laugh resembled a horse’s whinny. He had a long face and slight buck teeth, and every time he uttered a word or laughed, I kept waiting for him to neigh or snort. I swear, his head morphed into a horse moment by moment – at least in my mind. I kept wanting to yell YEE-HAW.”

  “Pyper, come on. It couldn’t have been that bad.”

  “Believe me, it was. It definitely explains why he only has a side profile picture and he is smiling with his mouth closed.”

  I just shook my head at her. She said he had other personality deficits that made him unattractive to her, but I admit I wonder if the laugh and buck teeth were really the off-putting characteristics. I love Pyper, but she is very picky when it comes to men. Someone’s nose could be a little crooked, or they could have what she calls “girly hands” and that’s it…she’s done! After Pyper’s retelling of her date, the two of us laughed so much that the bad date vibes with Daniel started wearing off. And that’s when she dropped the bomb. She’d signed us up for speed dating. Oh Lord.

  Now, here I am, standing in my bathroom, drinking some liquid courage, wondering how she managed to talk me into this.

  I look at myself in the mirror one more time, checking out the outfit I’ve chosen. Pyper said the dress code is casual, so I’ve decided to be comfortable in dark wash jeans, paired with a black sweater. I tied an abstract print colored scarf – mustard yellow, black and white - around my neck, and my shoes are simple, but cute black ballet flats that have a slight shimmer to them. I’m wearing my hair down and my makeup is minimal. I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard.

  Sighing, I walk out of my bathroom into my room and drain the last drops from my wine glass, while heading to my jewelry chest to get my diamond stud earrings. I place them in, and after tucking my hair behind my ear, take a quick peek in the mirror on my jewelry chest. It’s as good as it’s going to get tonight. Picking up my wine glass once again, I head out of my room, grabbing my black Coach bag.

  I hear Pyper walk up behind me as I’m placing my empty wine glass into the sink. Turning around, I take in my friend. She’s standing with her hands on her hips, posing, waiting for me to comment. Looking her up and down, I begin to laugh when I read her shirt. She’s wearing jeans and a grey cardigan with silver flats, but the white t-shirt under the cardigan says Yes, I Am Single. You’re Gonna Have To Be Amazing To Change That. Man, I love my best friend. Only she could get away with wearing a shirt like that to speed date.

  Smiling, Pyper takes her hands off her hips and pulls her cardigan into place. She looks at me innocently, “What?”

  “Nice shirt.”

  She just shrugs. “You ready to do this?”

  “No.”

  “Oh come on Olivia! This is going to be great! I’ve always wanted to do this and now I get to do it with you instead of being lame and going by myself.”

  “Pyper, this is madness. Need I remind you about the date from hell I just had not two weeks ago?”

  “Oh big deal, Olivia, so you had one bad date, mine wasn’t great either. Should I remind you of his laugh again?” and then she imitates it and I have to say, I probably would have walked away from a guy that sounded like that too. It’s rather horrifying.

  “Okay, okay. Let’s go before I change my mind.”

  When we reach the parking garage, I ask Pyper, “Your car or mine?” while checking out my lip gloss in the elevator mirror.

  “Yours.”

  “Okay.”

  We start walking to my car. Aside from Pyper’s car, there are only a handful of others here. Everyone has plans tonight I guess. We pass a white, four-door Chevy Malibu and it’s parked like someone was in a hurry, taking up two spaces. I hate it when people do that. Unlocking the doors to my car, we jump in and start making our way to the hotel that is hosting the speed date event.

  Upon arriving at the hotel, we enter through the main doors that open into the lobby. A few feet from the doors is a large sign directing individuals attending speed dating to go to the ballroom located down the hall, third door on the left. Pyper and I make our way there and my stomach starts doing flip flops. I’m so nervous. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I look over at Pyper and she has a huge smile on her face. How does this stuff not faze her?

  Once we walk into the ballroom, there are at least 20 or more people inside. A blonde girl sitting at a table to the right of the entry immediately greets us with a big smile. “Hello! We are so glad you made it tonight. What are your names, please?”

  Pyper smiles at her in return. “Olivia Brooks and Pyper Lexington.”

  The blonde, whose nametag reads ‘Nikki,’ looks for our names and checks them off the list. She hands us nametags with our names printed on them. “Here are your nametags, ladies, and this piece of paper here is called your speeding ticket. You will use your speeding ticket to rank your dates and make notes as you meet each of your dates tonight.” She hands us each a pen and a piece of paper that says Speeding Ticket in bold on the top, along with the picture of a traffic light. There is a column on the left side that has a bunch of names, and under each name is a bit of space, apparently for note taking. Obviously, this list is of names represents the men attending this evening. Next to the column of names there is a column in red that says ‘No’ at the top, next to the red column is another in yellow that says ‘Maybe,’ and a column in green at the end that says ‘Yes’. Each of the columns have boxes in them across from each name for placing check marks. It appears that after meeting each person the intent is to check whether or not they are a No, Yes, or Maybe. Oh, man. I can’t help but giggle a little.

  Nikki smiles at me knowingly. “Go ahead and help yourselves to drinks and appetizers if you’d like, and in about,” she looks at her watch, “five minutes we will get started.”

  “Thank you.” Pyper and I say together.

  I immediately make a beeline for the bar they have set up. Another glass of wine sounds like just what I need.

  “Take it easy, Olivia, you already had some wine at home. We both know you are a bit of a lightweight, you don’t want to overdo it.”

  “Pyper, I could drink ten glasses of wine and I’m not sure it would be enough to get me through this.”

  Pyper just rolls her eyes at me. “Okay, so it is kind of crazy, but if we hate it, we never have to do this again. We can at least try it, right?”

  “We are. We’re here! Just know I’m here under protest.”

  “Noted. Now look pretty and smile! Time will fly by, we will be through this in no time, and you’ll be thanking me!”

  After I have a glass of Riesling in hand, and Pyper has a glass of Merlot, we stand together taking in the room. It
looks like a junior high dance, with the guys on one side and girls on the other. You can see the guys blatantly checking out the girls, while the girls try to look like they don’t care. The girls are standing around talking to each other, but they slyly check out the men out of the corner of their eyes. Everyone is 13 all over again.

  In a circle around the room are small tables that have one chair on each side, facing one another, and on top of the table are bells attached to a clock and numbers. I hear someone tap a microphone, and I look to the front the room. “Hello, everyone. My name is Abby and we are just about ready to begin. Thank you all for joining us tonight. For those of you attending for your first time, let me give you a brief run down.”

  I snort. Whispering to Pyper I ask, “Did she say rub down?” Okay, immature, I know, but everything seems funny right now.

  “Ha. Ha. Olivia. Listen!”

  “On your name tag you will find a number. This number indicates the table you will start at tonight.” I look at my name tag and my number is ten and I glance at Pyper’s and hers says nine. “There are fifteen tables and thirty people here tonight. Once you all go to your assigned table and I tell you to begin, one of you will press the bell on your table. This begins the timer that is attached. You will then begin your five-minute date. After the time is up, there will be sixty seconds in between each date so you can make brief notes, if necessary, on your speeding ticket. Men, please step away from the table to write your notes, ladies stay seated. After the sixty seconds are up, men you will be told to move clock wise to the next table. Ladies, again, you will remain seated, and will stay seated throughout your fifteen dates.”

  I giggle at that. Fifteen dates. That’s hilarious. I’m having fifteen dates in one night! I’m a total date slut! I notice Pyper look at me with exasperation. Oh, come on! How does she not find that funny?

  “If you look on the bottom of your speeding ticket, you will see our website. Tomorrow you can go to the site and log in with the number on the bottom of your sheet. Your name will appear and you will be prompted to click the names of those individuals you feel you made a connection with tonight. If the person you list also selects your name as well, you each will receive an email with the contact information for the other person, so you can pursue your relationship. Anyone have any questions?” Abby asks.