Fuck, it feels good.
But it does nothing to push the words away.
I stare back into Mal's deep blue eyes.
And the words tumble from my lips.
"Mal," I breathe. "I…"
I need to stop this.
But I can't.
"I… I love you."
37
Lacey
Fuck.
Fuck.
I need a million more fucks to properly express exactly how fucked this is.
There's no joy in Mal's deep blue eyes.
No affection.
No love.
Nothing but confusion, actually.
And I'm still in his lap.
And he's still inside me.
And somehow the only thing I can feel is that he doesn't love me.
I pull my dress onto my right shoulder. My left. "I'm sorry. This isn't a good time. Not today. And certainly not now."
He blinks then stares back at me. "Did you mean it?"
"What?" Somehow, I'm not making a move to get off him.
And he's not making a move to push me off him.
That must mean something.
"People say shit during sex." His blue eyes get intense. It's like he's scared.
Scared that I meant it or scared that I didn't?
I don't know.
But that doesn't matter.
I press my lips together. "You're still inside me."
"Lacey—"
"Could you not break my heart while you're fucking me?"
"It's not—"
"Seriously, Mal." I plant my hands on his shoulders to push my body off his. I tumble onto the spot on the couch next to him.
He's still naked.
Okay, he's pulling his jeans on.
Lifting his hips.
Zipper. Button. Done. He's only shirtless now. I only have to contend with his defined torso and all those delicious lines of ink.
And that regret in his blue eyes.
God, I feel cold. Empty. Hopeless. This is nothing compared to what he's going through, but it still hurts.
And it hasn't even happened yet.
I hate my mouth.
I hate words.
I hate everything.
His eyes turn to the ground. "Lacey…"
It's there in his voice. I don't love you.
Like I'm another one of those woman who just didn't get that he meant it when he said no strings attached.
I push off the couch and grab my bra. "I should go."
He doesn't agree. He doesn't fight me. He just stares.
Awesome. I don't have time to put this stupid thing on. I sling it around my wrist. But where the hell are my panties? This dress is too short for me to skip panties.
He reaches down for something. Oh. My underwear.
Mal gets up and places the panties in my palm. He stares back at me. "You really love me?"
I pull my hand away. I shimmy into my underwear. I'm not sure which is more embarrassing—him asking that or him asking that while holding my fucking panties?
His blue eyes are still boring into me.
I'm not sure what his expression is, but it's not good. It's certainly not I love you too.
"Lacey…"
"What the hell do you want me to say?" I stare back at him. "You want me to deny it? To pretend I don't love you?"
"No."
"What the hell do you want, Mal?"
"I want everything to stop changing."
"Well, that's fucking life. It changes. It goes forward. That's how it works." I can't look at him. I turn and scan the room for my cardigan. Nowhere to be seen. Fine. I don't need the cardigan. But I do need shoes.
I'm not running off without shoes. That's adding insult to injury.
Ah. They're by the door.
I hate leaving now, like this, today, but I can't listen to his attempt to argue me out of loving him.
"Lacey—"
"What?" I can't help the frustration in my voice. I can't help but turn and stare at him.
"You didn't answer."
"Of course I love you. How could I not?"
His eyes turn down. He takes a deep breath and lets out a heavy sigh. "I…"
I don't want to hear the rest of the sentence, but my legs refuse to move.
"I don't think you should come tomorrow."
My stomach clenches. My eyes sting hot and salty. A tear rolls down my cheek. Then another. Blinking does nothing to slow the onslaught. I swallow hard, but that only makes the sob that chokes my throat sound more anguished.
His voice is even. "This is messy."
"Yeah."
"I'm saying when."
"You're ending this?"
"It's not a this."
"Yes it is." I move to the door and slide into my shoes.
Mal watches, that same horrified look on his face. "Fine. I'm ending this."
"But you… you do care about me?" I bite my lip. I'm officially one of those girls. But I don't even care. I don't care about anything but the way my heart is breaking—for myself and for him.
"I can't take any more from you, Lacey."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
He moves closer. His expression gets intense as he looks me in the eyes. "You deserve everything and I'll never have everything to give."
"You already do."
He shakes his head.
"But tomorrow… You need someone."
"Ethan and Piper will be there."
"But you need someone who isn't going to be breaking if…"
He shakes his head. His eyes get sad. "I'm sorry. I thought this could be different. I thought I could be different."
"You are. You… you already are giving me everything, Mal."
"No."
Dammit, I still need my purse. I push past Mal and grab it off the counter. The stupid bra is still hanging on my wrist. I shove that into my purse and I turn back towards the door.
I stare into his eyes. "If you want to end this because you're scared it will hurt more later, fine. But don't pin it on anything else."
"Lacey—"
No. I can't take hearing my name on his lips anymore. Not when it comes with all the weight of regret.
All that longing, like he wishes he could love me.
I blink back another set of tears. "Unless your next words are going to be you're right, I love you, I don't want to hear it."
He opens the door and steps aside. "I'm sorry."
"I know." I move through the door as quickly as possible. "But that doesn't mean shit." I pull the door closed behind me.
There's my car. It only takes a few steps to get to it in the driveway next to Mal's car.
I reach for my keys but my hands are shaking too hard. I can barely grab the zipper of my purse.
I stare back at the door like there's a chance it's going to open.
But there's not.
Mal dumped me.
It's over.
He's not going to chase after me now.
I turn and walk the three blocks to the beach.
I sit and watch the waves pound the sand.
When I walk back to Mal's place, his car is gone, and there's a fucking note on my windshield.
Let me know you get home okay.
- Mal
I hate him for leaving a note.
I hate that he cares about me.
I hate that I think about him the entire drive home.
I especially hate that I text him.
Lacey: I'm home.
I call Carrie but get voice mail. "I… I'm not okay. Call when you get a chance."
I hang up the phone.
And I fall back onto my bed.
And I sob like a fucking baby.
I ache for myself.
But I still ache for Mal more.
38
Mal
Mom is there in her room. Dad is beside her.
He leans over to whisper something in her ear.
She whispers back.
I sit in one of the scratchy green chairs and do everything I can to make conversation. I pretend like things with Mom haven't been fucked for the last ten years. I go back to when things were good.
I talk about our family trips to San Diego and Knott's Berry Farm. I retell the story about Piper whining that she couldn't go on any of the fun rides at her height. She was short at ten but she shot up by fourteen.
Ethan gets here and he helps me tell the one about the time he tried teaching Piper to surf. She was impatient. She kept paddling before he said when. She kept jumping onto the board too early. She kept falling into the waves.
But every time, she laughed.
She made him stay out in the ocean until they were both frozen solid.
Piper gets here and blushes over us telling stories at her expense. But she allows it. She lulls us into that false sense of security, then she launches into every embarrassing story she has about me or Ethan.
A nurse comes in to finish prepping Mom for surgery.
And she insists we leave.
I wait for everyone else to say their goodbyes, then I move to Mom's bed.
There's confidence in her eyes. She knows this is the right decision for her.
And I know it too.
We don't get everything we want.
I don't get a mother who chooses me over work.
But I still love her.
And I still want her to come out of this okay. Even if it only means she has another chance to leave me again.
I lean down and wrap my arms around Mom. "Good luck."
"Thank you, Malcolm."
"I love you."
"I love you too." Her smile is satisfied. Sure.
I've given her a tiny hint of peace. And I fucking hope she doesn't need it.
But if she does, I'm glad I did.
I hate my mother for shredding my heart again and again.
But I still love her.
I understand that this is her. She's always going to choose work. She's always going to choose freedom. She's always going to choose the thing that isn't me.
I get it.
And I forgive her.
Dad doesn't go with me to the waiting room. He goes out for air. Really, I don't think he can stand the thought of us seeing him cry.
It's easy to find everyone. I just follow the noise.
Kit is sitting next to Piper in his usual black jeans/motorcycle boots thing. Only he's wearing a black t-shirt. I guess we could call that his summer outfit.
My little sister is wearing one of her retro dresses. Her tall shoes are sitting on the floor and her legs are pulled under her. She rests her head on Kit's shoulder. He runs his fingers through her light hair.
Piper's been blond for a year now. Maybe a little more. It's not a huge change from her naturally light brown shade, and it looks good on her, but the first time I saw her new do my jaw dropped.
She doesn't look like my innocent baby sister with that hairstyle.
She looks like a grownup.
An adult.
That was terrifying. It still is. But it's not with the same intensity it was when I first realized she was fucking Kit.
I accepted life moving forward.
I accepted her as a woman with desires.
Don't get me wrong. I try not to think about it. Yeah, I'm a hypocrite, teasing Ethan about bondage and avoiding thinking about Piper's sex life, but I don't care.
She'll always be my baby sister.
But she'll always be an adult, too.
And Ethan… He's leaning back in one of the green chairs, one leg resting on the other. He's in his usual outfit—skinny jeans, converse, and a bright t-shirt. This one is Kelly green. It brings out the green in his sleeve tattoo.
He's the same kid who used to beg me to listen to his latest song. Hell, he still begs me to listen to his new songs.
But he's grown into a man who can manage his own life.
Everything has been changing around me for a long time.
And it's fucking okay.
It's how the world works.
I take a seat across from Piper.
Her blue eyes go wide as she looks around the room. "Where's Lacey?"
I clear my throat.
She looks to Ethan for an explanation.
He shrugs.
She looks to Kit. "Don't shrug at me."
He chuckles. "How would I know where your brother's girlfriend is?"
"People trust you with secrets." She stares into his eyes. "It's the pretty, sad eyes."
Kit leans in to kiss her.
She tugs at his hair as she kisses back.
Ethan clears his throat. "Where is Lacey?"
"I don't know." I press my palms into my knees. I know where this conversation is going. I can delay it, but I can't stop it from reaching its destination. Not with these three.
"Okay. I'll rephrase." Ethan leans forward. "Why isn't Lacey here?"
"I asked her not to come," I say.
Ethan taps Piper. She pulls from her make-out session to shoot me a death glare.
"Your lipstick is smudged," I say.
She wipes her makeup with her thumb. "You know what we're asking."
"Have you considered that it's not your business?" I ask.
"Have you ever considered that?" Ethan teases.
Piper clears her throat.
Ethan too.
I look to Kit for support, but I've got none.
Fine. I try to make my expression neutral. Enough is going on right now. I don't need to add my nosy family to my list of concerns. "We broke up."
"I thought you weren't together," Ethan says.
"Does that matter?" I ask.
"Of course it matters." Piper folds her arms. "Mal, what the hell?"
Kit reaches for her. "Baby, it's his life."
"And he's my brother and I'm not going to let him be miserable," she says.
Kit leans in to whisper in her ear.
She nods, conceding whatever point he's making. She turns to me. "Are you going to explain?"
"Is this the time?" I ask.
"You want to keep staring at that door?" She motions to the blue sliding doors, the ones with the East Wing sign above them. "Do you want to count every second until Mom's surgeon has news?"
"No," I admit.
"Then it seems like it's the time." Piper folds her hands in her lap. Her expression gets intense. "What happened, Mal?"
Fuck, Ethan and Kit are shooting me those same demanding looks.
And I'm stuck here for the next few hours.
Really, it's the perfect time for them to torture me.
I look back at Piper. "I ended things."
"You ended things?" She presses her lips together and exhales through her nose. "Why the hell did you do that?"
"It's not exactly surprising," Ethan says.
"Don't let this slide." She shoots Ethan a knowing look. "Give him hell."
Ethan shoots back an equally knowing look. He turns to me. "Why did you end things?"
"It was time for them to end," I say.
"He doesn't want to talk about it." Ethan shrugs. "If you want to try to pry something out of him, go ahead."
"Mal never wants to talk about anything. You can't give up, not with that bullshit non-answer." She stares into my eyes with the fury of a woman who will do anything to get what she wants. "Why did you end things?" Piper's voice gets too loud for a hospital waiting room, but she shows no signs of backing down.
Even so, I say nothing.
"She's an amazing woman," Piper says.
"I know." I know a lot better than Piper.
"So… what's the problem?" My sister's expression gets earnest. She wants to know. She's hurt I'm not sharing. She's hurt that I'm hurt.
"Pipes, give him a break." Ethan pulls out his cell and checks the screen. "He can't help being an idiot."
"Why, Mal?" she asks.
"She's in love with me," I say
.
Piper's brow furrows. She blinks hard. She stares at Ethan. At Kit. At me. "She's in love with you, so you break up with her?"
"Not exactly," I say.
"What the fuck, Mal? What kind of reasoning is that?" She stares at me like I'm crazy.
Maybe I am.
"It's not surprising," Ethan says. "Mal wants to be miserable. Lacey makes him happy. His only choice is to dump her. It's actually reasonable when you think about it."
Piper turns to Kit. "You agree with this assessment?"
"Seems reasonable to me." Kit shoots me a really look.
I've got no comeback. I look to Ethan for support but he's turning towards the hospital entrance.
There's Vi with two hands full of coffees, in one of those snug print dresses of hers. This one is black with little white skeletons. She's wearing plain black shoes and the lightest hint of makeup.
Ethan gets up to help her with coffee.
Piper keeps staring daggers at me.
Kit whispers in her ear.
She shakes her head.
He looks to me with an apologetic shrug. You know how headstrong your sister is.
I do.
And most of the time, I'm proud of her for it. We're all bossy and headstrong, even Mom and Dad.
But now… I can't deal with anything besides Mom being in surgery.
Violet and Ethan take their seats and pass out coffees. Violet nods hello to everyone. Before she can verbalize a hello, Piper jumps in.
"Mal dumped Lacey because she's in love with him." She stares at me. "That's ridiculous."
"Well…" Violet takes the lid off her tea and blows cool air over the water. "I think I get it."
"Honey, stop now before you say something horrible about him." Ethan hands me my tea. He turns back to his fiancée. "I know you mean well, but—"
"Mal can handle my lack of tact." Violet stares back at me. "I get it, Mal. I hated myself for what happened to Asher. I didn't think I deserved to be happy. I know what it's like to run away from something you want."
Ethan wraps his arm around her. His expression gets dreamy. Even with the world crashing around us, Ethan and Vi have their own perfect little world. She still hangs the sun in his sky.
Violet plants a soft kiss on Ethan's lips, then she turns back to me. "You love her too, don't you?"
I say nothing.
She continues. "And you're scared of what that means."
Maybe.
Violet doesn't blink. Her green eyes stay understanding. "It's easier to leave and tell yourself you want it this way."
Dangerous Fling: A Rock Star Romance (Dangerous Noise Book 4) Page 27
