Richmond Noir

by Andrew Blossom

  Nothing. Just the next layer of ground.

  “You’ll need the backhoe,” Eddie said. “You’ve got to dig deeper.”

  I could see he was right. So I trotted back to the chapel and climbed onto the excavator I liked the best, the Cat 312CL, the one with the mechanical thumb. It was easier to drive than the bulldozer, and in a matter of minutes I was back at the Davis gravesite, lowering the opened jaw into the soft earth. I was careful to keep to the left side of the pair of graves, because I didn’t want to disturb Mrs. Davis, since she might really be down there. The sky was starting to spit rain now, and Eddie stepped away to the protection of the nearby doorway of the tomb of General Fitzhugh Lee. Rain didn’t bother me, of course, because I was safe inside the Plexiglas walls of the cab.

  After about fifteen minutes, I pulled up a few splintered board fragments, and I knew I was almost there. I dipped the jaws back into the hole and bit off another chunk of ground. I had hoped to fish up a strongbox, watertight and ready to have its lock broken.

  But of course that isn’t what came up at all.

  There, dangling like a hanged criminal from the end of the Cat 312CL, was the great man himself. Or, rather, the remnants of the great man, for he was now just a decomposed corpse draped in dark rags. His bright finger bones hung from the ragged sleeves, and I could see parts of his rib cage through the disintegrated jacket and shirt. I couldn’t see the face, because the skull was clamped tight inside the jaws of the excavator. In a panic, I swung the arm away from the hole, which was a mistake, because that popped off the skull and flung the remains of the former president onto the macadam pathway. I looked over at Eddie in horror, and this time he was talking on his cell phone. He smiled and gave me a thumbs-up.

  So there were no documents about the Confederacy. There never had been, I realized. The only thing in that hole was the long-dead leader of my long-dead country. And I had defiled his remains.

  The rain was coming down harder now, and the wind shifted so the Fitzhugh tomb wasn’t keeping Eddie dry anymore. He trotted over to one of the broad, stately trees by the opened grave and sheltered himself against the trunk. I just sat there in the cab of the Cat 312CL, watching rain slide down the Plexiglas.

  “I can’t wait to read about this in the papers,” Eddie shouted.

  I opened the cab door so I wouldn’t have to raise my voice. “You lied to me,” I said.

  My calm demeanor may have misled him.

  “Blame your Uncle Morty. I told him, nobody treats me like he did and gets away with it.”

  Sirens started up in the distance.

  “You hear that, moron? That’s the cops.” He held up his cell phone and grinned. It was as evil a grin as I ever hope to see.

  At that point there was only one thing I could do. I stepped down from the Cat 312CL and climbed back onto the bulldozer. Eddie just stood there with his arms crossed, gloating, while I cranked up the engine. I guess he figured I was going to try to move Uncle Morty’s equipment back to the chapel before the police arrived. But that wasn’t what I was thinking at all. In fact, because of my peculiar medical syndrome—the one that makes me talk too much—I said right out loud what I was about to do. But I guess he didn’t hear me over the racket of the bulldozer. If he had, he wouldn’t have just stood there looking so smug.

  I raised the blade a couple of feet, swung the bulldozer around toward him, and hit the throttle. He barely had time to stop smiling. I think he hollered something, because his mouth flew open and his eyes got very wide. But I rammed him anyway. The concave blade covered up his torso completely, so that when it pinned him against the trunk, his head popped off just like Jefferson Davis’s. One of his legs got pinched off too. Naturally, those were the details they played up in the newspaper—which I found annoying, if you want to know the truth. It cast me in a ghoulish light, as if the dismemberment had been intentional. But I swear on the Holy Bible, I only meant to kill him.

  I feel bad for the trouble I’ve caused Uncle Morty. He’s family, and I see now that I should have been more concerned with protecting him than with connecting myself to relatives I never even met. It’s good to respect one’s ancestors. But the living deserve some consideration too. That’s a new perspective for me. I imagine Dr. Myles will be pleased with my progress.

  I’m not especially worried about going to jail. Since everything I did was justified, I can’t see myself as guilty. So even if they do lock me up, I wouldn’t really be a criminal. I’d be more like a prisoner of war. Not a full-fledged prisoner of war, of course, because the war ended a long time ago. I guess I’d be more like an apprentice.

  Yeah, that’s it: a prisoner’s apprentice. The best they’ve ever seen.

  EDITORS’ ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Believe it or not, the following volumes were consulted during the research and conceptualization of this book: Poe’s Richmond by Agnes Meredith Bondurant; Richmond: The Story of a City by Virginius Dabney; The River Where America Began: A Journey Along the James by Bob Deans; The American Scene by Henry James; True Richmond Stories: Historic Tales from Virginia’s Capital by Harry Kollatz Jr.; James Branch Cabell and Richmond-in-Virginia by Edgar MacDonald; The Air-Conditioned Nightmare by Henry Miller; The Book of Numbers by Robert Deane Pharr; Love and Hate in Jamestown: John Smith, Pocahontas, and the Heart of a New Nation by David A. Price; and the 2008 edition of the Richmond Magazine Complete Source Book.

  Thanks are owed to the following for their help and advice: Ray Bonis and the staff of Special Collections and Archives at the James Branch Cabell Library at Virginia Commonwealth University; Katherine Wilkins and the staff of the Virginia Historical Society; and the staff of the Edgar Allan Poe Museum.

  For support, patience, and brainstorming, we are grateful to Rachel Albright, Liz Canfield, Crystal Castleberry, Santa De Haven, Mandy Dunn, Steve Dunn, Jamie Fueglein, Jonathan Heinen, Jeff Lodge, Cynthia Lotze, Lauren Maas, Ryan McLennan, Ann Mc-Millan, Peter Orner, Faye Prichard, Patty Smith, Ward Tefft, Kelsey Trom, Adam Wayland, and the good people at the Virginia Commonwealth University Department of English.

  We’d especially like to thank Johnny Temple and the staff of Akashic Books for their enthusiasm about the project, and for their support during some extremely rough patches.

  We owe special thanks to Tom Robbins, whose praises we shall sing until time eternal.

  Lastly, we are greatly indebted to David L. Robbins, whose wonderful story “Homework” can be found in this collection. David was the first writer who signed on to the book, and he has been its tireless promoter ever since. Without his efforts, Richmond Noir would not exist.

  ABOUT THE CONTRIBUTORS

  X.C. ATKINS was born in Zeist, Netherlands. He holds a BA in English from Virginia Commonwealth University. He recently moved from Richmond, Virginia to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the City of Brotherly Love.

  MINA BEVERLY is a Richmond, Virginia native. She holds a BA in English from Spelman College and an MFA in Fiction from Virginia Commonwealth University. She currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia and works as an English teacher.

  ANDREW BLOSSOM is the founding editor of the literary journal Makeout Creek. He lives in Richmond, Virginia.

  LAURA BROWDER’S most recent book is Her Best Shot: Women and Guns in America. She is currently collaborating with photographer Sascha Pflaeging on a book based on their gallery exhibition When Janey Comes Marching Home: Portraits of Women Combat Veterans. She teaches at Virginia Commonwealth University.

  BRIAN CASTLEBERRY has worked as a cook, a dishwasher, a teacher, a carnie, a shoe salesman, a receptionist, and a writer. He lives in Virginia with his wife and their two dogs.

  CLAY MCLEOD CHAPMAN is the creator of the rigorous storytelling session The Pumpkin Pie Show. He is the author of rest area, a collection of short stories, and miss corpus, a novel, both published by Hyperion Books. He teaches writing at the Actors Studio MFA Program at Pace University.

  DENNIS DANVERS has published seven novels, including
New York Times Notables Circuit of Heaven and The Watch, and the near-future mystery The Bright Spot (writing as Robert Sydney). Recent short fiction of his appears in Strange Horizons, Intergalactic Medicine Show, Realms of Fantasy, Lady Churchill’s Rosebud Wristlet, and Space and Time.

  TOM DE HAVEN is the author of seventeen books, including Freaks’ Amour, Sunburn Lake, It’s Superman!, and the Derby Dugan trilogy of novels (Funny Papers, Derby Dugan’s Depression Funnies, and Dugan Under Ground). Our Hero, a book-length essay about the history and cultural impact of Superman, is forthcoming from Yale University Press’s Icons of America series. Since 1990 he has taught in the graduate creative writing program at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond, Virginia.

  DEAN KING is the author of nine books, including the national best seller Skeletons on the Zahara and, most recently, Unbound: A True Story of War, Love, and Survival about the women of Mao’s Long March. A former contributing editor to Men’s Journal, King has written for Esquire, Outside, and the New York Times. He is a cofounder of Richmond’s award-winning James River Writers organization and serves on the Library of Virginia Foundation board.

  CLINT MCCOWN’S six books include the novels The Member-Guest, War Memorials, and The Weatherman. He teaches in the MFA programs at Virginia Commonwealth University and the Vermont College of Fine Arts.

  HOWARD OWEN is the author of eight novels. He and his wife Karen live in Fredericksburg, Virginia, where both are editors at the Free Lance-Star. Owen’s first novel, Littlejohn, was nominated for the Abbey Award (American Booksellers Association) and a Barnes & Noble Discover Great New Writers Award. His novels Turn Signal and Rock of Ages were Book Sense selections. Owen, who lived in Richmond for twenty-nine years, has just finished his ninth novel.

  CONRAD ASHLEY PERSONS was born in Savannah, Georgia. He attended the University of Virginia before living in New York, London, and Tokyo. He currently resides with his wife in Brooklyn, where he is finishing his first novel, A Honeymoon.

  HERMINE PINSON has published three poetry collections: Ashe, Mama Yetta and Other Poems, and Dolores Is Blue/Dolorez Is Blues. She also released a CD, Changing the Changes in Poetry & Song, in special collaboration with Yusef Komunyakaa and Estella Conwill Majozo. She teaches creative writing, as well as American and African American literature, at the College of William & Mary.

  DAVID L. ROBBINS was born in Richmond and received his undergraduate and Juris Doctorate degrees from the College of William & Mary, where he recently taught as writer-in-residence. He has published nine novels, the most recent of which, Broken Jewel, is set in the Philippines during World War II. Robbins is the founder of the James River Writers nonprofit literary group. This is his first published short story.

  TOM ROBBINS is the best-selling author of ten books of fiction and numerous articles for national magazines. His novels have been published in twenty-two languages and several have been optioned by Hollywood. An honors graduate of Virginia Commonwealth University and a former copy editor for the Richmond Times-Dispatch, Robbins has resided for many years in the Seattle area. His latest work, B Is for Beer, is a children’s book.

  PIR ROTHENBERG wrote and taught in Richmond, Virginia from 2003 to 2008. He currently resides in Buffalo, New York. His work has appeared in Harpur Palate.

  MEAGAN J. SAUNDERS grew up in a family of five. She spent the first years of her life on Richmond’s Southside before moving to Beaverdam, Virginia, a rural community on the outskirts of Hanover County. She received her B.A. in English and History from the College of William & Mary.

  ANNE THOMAS SOFFEE is the author of Snake Hips: Belly Dancing and How I Found True Love and Nerd Girl Rocks Paradise City. She currently writes for Richmond Magazine and lives in Southside Richmond with her family, just up the pike from Rudd’s Trailer Park.

  Also available from the Akashic Books Noir Series

  D.C. NOIR

  edited by George Pelecanos

  316 pages, trade paperback original, $15.95

  Brand-new stories by: George Pelecanos, Laura Lippman, David Slater, James Grady, Kenji Jasper, Jim Beane, Ruben Castaneda, Robert Wisdom, James Patton, Norman Kelley, Jennifer Howard, Jim Fusilli, Richard Currey, Robert Andrews, Quintin Peterson, and Lester Irby.

  “[T]he tome offers a startling glimpse into the cityscape’s darkest corners … fans of the genre will find solid writing, palpable tension, and surprise endings.”

  —Washington Post

  D.C. NOIR 2: THE CLASSICS

  edited by George Pelecanos

  330 pages, trade paperback, $15.95

  Classic stories from: Edward P. Jones, Langston Hughes, Marita Golden, Paul Laurence Dunbar, Julian Mayfield, Elizabeth Hand, Richard Wright, James Grady, Ward Just, George Pelecanos, Jean Toomer, Rhozier “Roach” Brown, Ross Thomas, Julian Mazor, Larry Neal, and Benjamin M. Schutz.

  “Rather than traveling the same mean streets as the first D.C. Noir, this new anthology of sixteen works draws on more than a century of published writings … Dark as many of these stories are, there’s light in them yet, and it’s the layering of the two that helps the collection to dazzle.”

  —Washington Post

  BALTIMORE NOIR

  edited by Laura Lippman

  252 pages, a trade paperback original, $14.95

  Brand-new stories by: David Simon, Laura Lippman, Tim Cockey, Rob Hiaasen, Robert Ward, Sujata Massey, Jack Bludis, Rafael Alvarez, Marcia Talley, Joseph Wallace, Lisa Respers France, Charlie Stella, Sarah Weinman, Dan Fesperman, Jim Fusilli, and Ben Neihart.

  “Mystery fans should relish this taste of Baltimore’s seamier side, the eighth volume in Akashic’s series showcasing dark tales of crime and place. Editor Lippman offers both a fine introduction and the lead story, which is one of the anthology’s best … Baltimore is a diverse city, and the stories reflect everything from its old row houses and suburban mansions to its beloved Orioles and harbor areas.”

  BOSTON NOIR

  edited by Dennis Lehane

  240 pages, trade paperback original, $15.95

  Brand-new stories by: Dennis Lehane, Stewart O’Nan, Patricia Powell, John Dufresne, Lynne Heitman, Don Lee, Russ Aborn, Itabari Njeri, Jim Fusilli, Brendan DuBois, and Dana Cameron.

  “In the best of the eleven stories in this outstanding entry in Akashic’s noir series, characters, plot, and setting feed off each other like flames and an arsonist’s accelerant … [T]his anthology shows that noir can thrive where Raymond Chandler has never set foot.”

  —Publishers Weekly (starred review)

  BROOKLYN NOIR

  edited by Tim McLoughlin

  350 pages, trade paperback original, $15.95

  *Winner of Shamus Award, Anthony Award, Robert L. Fish Memorial Award; finalist for Edgar Award, Pushcart Prize.

  Brand-new stories by: Pete Hamill, Arthur Nersesian, Ellen Miller, Nelson George, Nicole Blackman, Sidney Offit, Ken Bruen, and others.

  “Brooklyn Noir is such a stunningly perfect combination that you can’t believe you haven’t read an anthology like this before. But trust me—you haven’t … The writing is flat-out superb, filled with lines that will sing in your head for a long time to come.”

  —Laura Lippman, winner of the Edgar, Agatha, and Shamus awards

  NEW ORLEANS NOIR

  edited by Julie Smith

  300 pages, trade paperback original, $15.95

  Brand-new stories by: Ace Atkins, Laura Lippman, Patty Friedmann, Barbara Hambly, Tim McLoughlin, Olympia Vernon, Jervey Tervalon, Christine Wiltz, Greg Herren, Julie Smith, and others.

  “The excellent twelfth entry in Akashic’s city-specific noir series illustrates the diversity of the chosen locale with eighteen previously unpublished short stories from authors both well known and emerging.”—Publishers Weekly

  These books are available at local bookstores.

  They can also be purchased online through www.akashicbooks.com.

  To order by mail send a check or money order to:

 
; AKASHIC BOOKS

  PO Box 1456, New York, NY 10009

  www.akashicbooks.com, info@akashicbooks.com

  (Prices include shipping. Outside the U.S., add $12 to each book ordered.)