Living Backwards

by Tracy Sweeney

  “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Luke,” she added with a sad smile before climbing into the car. I stood there dumbfounded as she drove down the gravel path that led to the highway.

  What the hell just happened?

  I watched as her car disappeared, leaving me standing there alone…again.

  No.

  No.

  I wasn’t doing this again.

  We were going to talk about this tomorrow.

  No more veiled comments. No more games.

  We were going to figure this out because this…whatever this was…whatever we were….this was right.

  No more running. No more hiding.

  Screw this shit.

  CHAPTER 12

  Jillian

  On Monday morning, I was leaning against Megan’s convertible, trying with little luck to listen to her rehash her date with Nate. I vaguely remembered her mentioning an argument over the origin of the onion ring and a competition that involved the winner eating the most disgusting food combination. (Nate won with pickles and pistachio ice cream.)

  “And then we were walking out of the theater and I was saying that this bullshit they’re selling about The Force being some normal biological response not only spoils the original mystique, but insults the intelligence of true fans,” she raved. “I was like ‘New Hope, my ass.’ Then he stopped dead in his tracks, and I thought he was actually going to defend the stupid movie because, for the love of Christ, he can’t agree with a thing I say. Instead, he just looks at me with this dead serious expression and says ‘Go to the prom with me.’ I agreed and we went to the arcade at the mall and played Tekken. I kicked his ass!” she added triumphantly.

  “How romantic, Megan,” Danielle replied, clearly not understanding the dynamic she’d come to know very well in the years ahead. “Sounded like a disaster there for awhile.”

  “Disaster?” Megan spat back. “Are you kidding? Were you even listening? Not a disaster at all. He has an original Millennium Falcon, Danielle! We went back to his house and—”

  “…he let you play with his rocket ship?” she asked sarcastically. It was probably true.

  “Screw you, Danielle. Back me up, Jillian.”

  I heard Megan call my name, but I wasn’t sure what the question was. Were we really discussing Star Wars action figures when my life was falling apart around me? Every thought that ran through my head would bring me back to Luke. Everywhere I looked and everything I did brought him to mind. I was even seeing him in my sleep. I had tried so hard to keep my feelings at bay, but after everything that happened over the weekend, it was impossible.

  Everything I thought I knew had been turned around in just two days. And the scariest part was that just one of the things that happened would have chipped away at my resolve. From holding my hand at Seth’s, to taunting me with his strawberry lips at dinner, then telling me his secrets by the cliffs and breaking me down when he kissed me. I was in uncharted territory and I was lost.

  I replayed that kiss in my head a million times, maybe more. I’d kissed my fair share of toads over the years. There were the timid, tight-lipped kissers and the overly-ambitious slobberers. There were sweet kisses and ones I’d rather forget, but nothing came close to what I felt when Luke kissed me. It wasn’t like in the movies when you’d see fireworks, or in romance novels when you’d feel an electrical charge. No. Everything was quiet and still, like the eye of the storm. We were in our own world…until I heard myself groan like an animal.

  I couldn’t deny that I wanted him. God, did I want him, but giving into that feeling scared the living shit out of me. I didn’t have a spirit guide or a cool sidekick telling me what to do, and I could screw some serious shit up if I wasn’t careful. So, I ran away like a…well a teenage girl, and Luke probably hated me. Hell, I hated me.

  “Earth to Jillian!” Danielle interrupted, waving a hand in front of my face. I turned to respond just in time to witness Luke’s bike pull into the lot. He looked straight at me and while he didn’t look angry, his expression seemed serious, and it was unnerving.

  “Sorry to cut the chat short, ladies,” I stammered. “But I promised I’d quiz Suzanne before her Spanish final this morning so I have to head to the library. Catch you later?” I hurried into the building without waiting for a response and made a bee-line into the safety of the Reference Room. I threw myself into the seat next to Suzanne, burying my head in my hands.

  “Problems this morning, Jill?” she asked gingerly.

  “You have no idea,” I mumbled through my folded arms.

  “Wanna talk about it?” Did I? If I didn’t say something to someone I was going to go explode.

  “Let’s pretend for a moment that I studied for finals,” I whispered louder than I probably should have. “Let’s pretend that I wasn’t riding around on the back of a motorcycle last night or that I wasn’t meeting his family and seeing his room and smelling his smell. Let’s pretend that I’m not in so ridiculously over my head that I can’t even see straight anymore. Can I please pretend, Suzanne? Because I am seriously losing it.”

  “Shit, Jill,” she replied wide-eyed. “What’s going on with you?”

  “Luke,” I replied, dropping my head back down on the desk.

  “Luke Chambers? When did this happen?!”

  “He’s taking me to the prom,” I added, raising my head for a moment before returning it to my hiding place.

  “And this is a bad thing?”

  “Yes, Suzanne, this is a very, very, very bad thing,” I replied, still agitated.

  “You’re going to have to spell this one out for me because I’m not getting why going to the prom with Luke is a bad thing,” she added, sounding concerned. I couldn’t blame her. I sounded like a raving lunatic. Hell, I was a raving lunatic. I was changing the past, for Christ’s sake, so Luke being a “bad thing” was the understatement of the year…and possibly the next decade.

  “Suzanne,” I began, trying unsuccessfully to rein in my overwhelming panic. “It’s bad because Luke and I are just not supposed…we’re just not…” I collapsed back down on the table defeated. I had been reduced to a stuttering idiot. Years of schooling and studying the English language had been obliterated by a motorcycle-riding bad boy with messy hair. If he bottled this shit, he could rule the world.

  “Jillian, before you hurt yourself, can I give you a piece of advice?” she offered gently. “You may think you know what’s best, but I’d hate to see you pass up on something that might actually be good. He clearly has some kind of effect on you,” she surmised, motioning to my body sprawled across the library table. “You just don’t want to be one of those people years from now who looks back on high school and says ‘I wish I had’.” she added. “Regret sucks. You don’t get a ‘do over’.”

  Stunned, I stared at her just waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out from behind the stacks to tell me that I was being Punk’d. When he didn’t show up, I just laughed at the irony of the situation. While her comment about changing the past was quite obviously wrong, she was right about one thing. Regret sucks. I just wished there was some way of knowing whether I was doing the right thing or not.

  “Thanks, Suze,” I replied, grabbing her in a bear hug. “You always know just what to say.”

  “Anytime,” she began with a mischievous grin. “So, are you going to be able to concentrate today or are you still ‘smelling his smell’? What’s that all about?”

  I shoved her arm, laughing. “Don’t judge me, Suzanne, unless you’ve been there.”

  “Fine, fine. So are you going to go find him and sniff him some more?”

  “You’re hysterical. Really. Have you always been this funny?” I asked sarcastically. I mean, really, apparently my life needed to fall apart for Suzanne to perfect her standup routine.

  “Seriously,” she urged.

  “I think I need some time to decompress, but yes, I’m going to go and sniff him some more,” I answered with a smile.

  “That�
�s my girl!” she replied, raising her hand for a high-five.

  “All right. I’ve amused you enough for one morning. I’m off,” I quipped as I picked up my books.

  “See you at the bonfire tomorrow?” she asked, raising a brow. My body stiffened again. The bonfire. Shit.

  “Yes,” I replied. “Danielle’s forcing me, so I’ll see you there.”

  I walked to my trig final feeling uneasy. It could have been the fact that I still had no idea what a reference angle was or that I was still hiding from Luke. It was likely a combination of both along with the impending forced fun of the school-sponsored bonfire. Instead of obsessing, I decided to focus on a new high school experience. I was about to fail my first test.

  Shuffling into Mrs. Jacobs’ classroom, I noticed Val filing her nails and checking her iridescent gloss in her compact mirror. It looked to me like she had just eaten a glazed donut. Probably not her intention. I couldn’t help but laugh at how desperate she was.

  As Mrs. Jacobs placed a copy of the test on each desk, I held my breath, offering up a prayer to God, Michael J. Fox, the guys from The Big Bang Theory and anyone else who could get me through this mess. Turning it over, I immediately recognized a few problems that we worked on in class, but the majority of the test looked like gibberish. If I was lucky I’d manage a D and then use my fake head injury as an excuse for failing. I could always explain that I knew for a fact that trig was useless in my future life. It was worth a try.

  While trig was a disaster, my next two finals weren’t quite as bad. After taking Spanish all throughout high school and college, I was able to fake my way through that final with a lot more ease. Although at one point I think I wrote that I was turned on by the lesson instead of that I understood the lesson. That might have actually worked to my advantage though because Señor Gustavson was a bit of a pervert. Maybe I’d get extra credit.

  World Lit was a breeze because I knew the material inside and out. I had to stop myself from quoting passages from other works and drawing comparisons to authors I studied in college, though. It was difficult to maneuver, but in the end I think I did fairly well.

  I was exhausted after taking three tests in quick succession. My thoughts briefly flickered to Luke as I wondered where he was and what he was doing. I knew we’d need to discuss the shift in our relationship soon, but I was still struggling with the possible ramifications so I walked swiftly through the hall, hoping we didn’t cross paths. I still had to tackle two finals so a little study time in the library would do me some good. The added bonus being that it was also a great place to hide. As I jogged around the corner towards the double doors, I felt a hand grasp my elbow.

  “I think we need to walk in this direction,” he whispered in my ear, turning my body completely around to walk back down the stairs.

  “What are you doing?”

  “You’ve avoided me long enough,” he replied matter-of-factly, steering me towards the pathway to the gym.

  “You can let go now,” I added, rolling my eyes and motioning to his grip on my arm.

  “So you can find another reason to run off?” he asked. “I think I like my way better.”

  “I’m not running off,” I sneered childishly.

  “Oh?” he replied. “So you weren’t going to spend the day hiding in the library?”

  “I wasn’t hiding,” I lied. “I was studying. There are finals today in case you hadn’t noticed.”

  Incensed, I wrestled my arm away. Everything he was saying was true, but he was still pissing me off. I stormed around the corner behind the gym, probably looking like a toddler having a tantrum. “Was that really necessary?” I fumed, folding my arms across my chest.

  “It wouldn’t have been if you didn’t have a habit of taking off when we needed to talk,” he replied darkly, stalking towards me.

  “My life is really complicated right now, Luke,” I added, trying to offer an explanation. “I wish you could understand.”

  “I told you already, you’re the one making this hard,” he responded, closing the distance between us. I wondered if he chose those words intentionally, but then chided myself for having my mind in the gutter. “You know that, right?” he added as he ran the tips of his fingers softly down my arm.

  Startled, I took a step back, colliding with the brick wall behind me. He held one arm up against the building and leaned over me slowly.

  “I will hold you down if that’s what I need to do to get you to talk to me.” His voice was low and rough, causing me to shiver.

  God, that’s hot.

  The intensity of his stare and the positioning of our bodies clearly affected my ability to function. In an attempt to escape his gaze, I forced myself to look away, but my eyes stalled and focused on the lips that had been haunting me all day. He was only inches away and I wanted to laugh because I knew Suzanne would ask me if I was smelling his smell.

  I don’t want to smell his smell. I want to taste his lips.

  Before I could second-guess myself or think about the consequences, I launched myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling his bottom lip between mine. His surprise was apparent as I felt him stiffen for just a moment before quickly recovering. He wasted little time, raising his hands to twist into my hair. My hands settled on his waist, instinctively pulling him closer. As he pinned me against the wall, his warm lips tugged at mine. I gasped as I felt his right hand move down from my hair, dragging along the side of my torso before wrapping around my thigh and hiking it over his hip. He ground himself against me, and I suddenly couldn’t remember why I had been holding back for so long.

  Everything about him was enveloping me. I had always been a level-headed girl. Sure, I let my flask make a few decisions for me here and there, but overall, I thought things through before acting. But at that moment, I didn’t care how old I was or where I came from. I didn’t care about Peggy Sue or the goddamn space/time continuum. You could have told me that I had a photo album full of headless friends and family. Nothing at that moment mattered but us.

  “What are you doing to me?” he panted softly, pulling away to catch his breath. What am I doing to him? Is he serious?

  “Luke,” I sighed, feeling dizzy and breathless. “I’m not sure if this is a good idea. We should talk…”

  I was saying the words but I didn’t mean them. His hips were flush against mine while my leg was still hitched up around his back. We were both gasping and panting, and I was suggesting we have a cordial talk about the fact that I was an insane visitor from the future who was probably ruining his life. The absurdity of the situation was not lost on me.

  “I think we can talk later,” he replied, dipping his head down and nipping at my lips again.

  I was about to argue when I heard the distinct sound of giggling off in the distance. My eyes shot open to witness the blood drain from Luke’s face and a look of panic set in.

  “The hell,” he growled under his breath. With my thigh still strategically perched on his hip, he began to swivel around, looking from side to side for the source of the interruption. The motion caused my head to loll back against the wall, and I thanked God for that one yoga class I took because I wanted to spend all day standing just like that.

  When I managed to pry my eyes back open, I saw Anne-Marie and Jon, the juniors who gave us the peep show in detention, stumbling through the trees to our right. Her shirt was off and his hands were already clawing at her zipper. I was mentally chastising them for lacking the class to screw somewhere halfway decent before I looked around me and remembered that I was wrapped around a boy in a dirty, woodsy area behind a high school gymnasium. I was a trollop too now. Solidarity, sister.

  “You have got to be kidding me,” Luke exclaimed, releasing my leg and pushing off the building. I groaned as he moved away, silently cursing the horny, pubescent assholes for interrupting.

  “Oops,” Anne-Marie giggled, covering her mouth. “Honey, I think our spot is taken today.”

  “You
r spot!” Luke raged. “Your spot? How often are you bringing your girlfriend out to ‘your spot’, Jon?”

  “Settle down, Chambers,” he replied casually as Anne-Marie pulled her tank top back on. “And you two were just studying back here, right?”

  “I’m just saying that it would have been nice to know if I needed disinfectant every time I came back here for a smoke,” he continued, eyes ablaze. Before he could go on raging like a maniac, I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him away.

  “We were just leaving,” I added, smiling apologetically at them. When we rounded the corner, it was his turn to wrestle his arm free.

  “It doesn’t bother you that they’ve been screwing back there the whole time? We’re there every day!”

  “You’re being so dramatic, Luke,” I replied, teasing him. “School is over. Time to give up the fortress. Pass the torch, so to speak.”

  “That’s not the point,” he replied, still irritable. “Not to mention,” he added, his scowl lifting into a mischievous smile, “they interrupted.”

  Moving closer, he reached out, threading his fingers through my hair. “So that may have been the best talk we’ve ever had.”

  “At least top ten,” I replied, lost in the feeling of his fingers tugging on the long strands. “Listen Luke, I meant it when I said my life is kind of complicated right now.”

  “As long as you’re not hiding in remote areas of the school instead of talking to me, we’ll figure it out.”

  “We still need to talk,” I began carefully. “But I’d like to have this discussion somewhere else.” There was just no way I would be able to think clearly after the “discussion” we just had.

  “Tonight then,” he suggested, letting his fingertips glide gently across my cheek. “I’ll come by and pick you up?”

  “That’s not the best idea, unless you want to be subjected to Henry Cross’ version of meet-the-parents and, trust me, he will not be as pleasant as Grace and Carter were. Why don’t I just meet you somewhere?” I offered.