Books by Martha Bolton
Didn’t My Skin Used to Fit?
I Think, Therefore I Have a Headache!
Cooking With Hot Flashes
Growing Your Own Turtleneck
Books by Phil Callaway
Laughing Matters
Who Put My Life on Fast Forward?
Parenting: Don’t Try This at Home!
Golfing With the Master
It’s Always
Darkest
Before the
Fridge Door
Opens
Martha Bolton
and Phil Callaway
It’s Always Darkest Before the Fridge Door Opens
Copyright © 2006
Martha Bolton and Phil Callaway
Cover illustration by Dan Vasconcellos
Cover design by Boven Design
Unless otherwise identified, Scripture quotations are from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations identified NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without the prior written permission of the publisher and copyright owners.
Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Bloomington, Minnesota 55438
Bethany House Publishers is a division of
Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Printed in the United States of America
ISBN-13: 978-0-7642-0307-7
ISBN-10: 0-7642-0307-X
* * *
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Bolton, Martha, 1951-
It’s always darkest before the fridge door opens : finding joy in the cold places of life / Martha Bolton and Phil Callaway.
p. cm.
Summary: ‘‘Comedy veterans Martha Bolton and Phil Callaway, who believe that God intended for his people to laugh, team up to find the humor in an increasingly trouble-filled world’’—Provided by publisher.
ISBN 978-0-7642-0307-7 (pbk.)
ISBN 0-7642-0307-X (pbk.)
1. Conduct of life—Humor. 2. Christian Life—Humor. I. Callaway, Phil, 1961- II. Title.
PN6231.C6142B65 2006
813'.54—dc22
2006019510
* * *
Dedication
To our loving parents.
We would have settled for money,
but you gave us the gift of laughter.
A million thanks!
About the Authors
MARTHA BOLTON is a full-time comedy writer and the author of more than fifty books, including Didn’t My Skin Used To Fit? She was a staff writer for Bob Hope for fifteen years and has written for Phyllis Diller, Wayne Newton’s USO show, Ann Jillian, Jeff Allen, and many other entertainers. Her writing has appeared in Reader’s Digest, Chicken Soup for the Soul, and Brio magazine. She has received four Angel Awards and an Emmy nomination. She and her husband live in Tennessee.
PHIL CALLAWAY is the award-winning author of fifteen books, including Laughing Matters, Wonders Never Cease, and With God on the Golf Course, and his articles appear in many publications, including Leadership, Decision, and Marriage Partnership. A popular speaker for corporations and conferences, he also is a frequent guest on television and radio, including Focus on the Family. Phil, his wife, and their three teenagers live in Alberta, Canada.
Contents
About the Title
Introduction
Part One: Fridge Magnets (Bringing Joy Back to Life)
Chocolate Therapy
You Can’t Keep a Good Man (or Woman) Down
In Pursuit of Your Passion
Fresh Veggies
Eat Like You Were Dyin’
Dinner’s Done, Call 9-1-1
Laughing Matters
Magnetic Joy
The Funny-Bone Quiz
Part Two: Smelly Cheese
(I Could Cope With the World If It Wasn’t for the People)
Cold As Ice
Is This the Party to Whom I’m Speaking?
The Trouble With Pharisees
Enemies: What Would We Do Without Them?
‘‘Blessing’’ Those Who Curse You
Unfaithful Friends
Even Steven
Out of the Dust
Clearing Out the Fridge
Prayer for My Enemies
Joy Comes in the Mourning
Part Three: Chill First, Then Serve
(You Can’t Be a Smart Cookie If You Have a Crummy Attitude)
Last Nerves
Empty Shelves
Welcome to Whine Country
Ten Things We’d Like to Hear Someone Say
Slice of Life
The Best News Yet
Ten Lessons Learned in the Kitchen
Balance Keeps the Fridge Shelves From Collapsing
In-Flight Misery
Driving Us Crazy
‘‘I’ll Be Right Back’’
Hard to Swallow
Part Four: Empty Shelves (Overworked, Overstressed, Overwhelmed, and Underappreciated—and That’s the Good News)
The Stress Diet
Choose Your Rut Carefully
Not So Smooth Moves
High Hopes
Sometimes the Answer Is Right in Front of You
Who Ya Gonna Call?
Part Five: Just Desserts (The Best Is Yet to Come)
In Case You Haven’t Noticed, This Isn’t Paradise
Best Before 1983
Sweeter Than Honey
The Sky Is Always Falling
But We Don’t Have to Live in Fear
Top Ten Fears
Leftovers
Out of Control
The Last Laugh
About the Title
We started talking about writing a book together back when Phil had hair and before Martha was officially banned from kitchens all across America. All we lacked was the right title. We considered titles like The Whine Driven Life or The Elvis on Velvet Code, but the legal eagles at Bethany House caught wind of these and squashed our hopes. Finally, after at least ten minutes of tax-deductible brainstorming sessions, we decided on It’s Always Darkest Before the Fridge Door Opens, the book you now hold in your hands. We believe the title works well because:
a. The Chronicles of Narnia was already taken.
b. Several publishers offered us contracts.
c. The title made us think of dessert.
d. The title is vague enough for us to insert random humor chapters, then switch to serious things we really believe in, before the reader is fully aware of what is happening.
e. All of the above.
The answer, of course, is e, all of the above. We hope that by the time you’ve finished this book, you’ll agree with us that It’s Always Darkest Before the Fridge Door Opens is the perfect title because, well, it really is darkest before the cheesecake, the leftover pizza, the refrigerator light, and a double scoop of laughter and renewed hope are all staring us in the face. We hope this book is a double scoop of laughter and hope for you.
I
NTRODUCTION
The Funny Gene
We have both spent a lifetime making people laugh. We have given hundreds of humorous talks and written one-liners for comedians, gags for cartoonists, and text for greeting cards, magazine articles, and newspaper columns. We’ve even written for politicians. For writing about our quirky views of life, we have both received certificates and awards. We never turn these awards down. We forward them to our high school teachers who told us we’d never amount to anything if we didn’t settle down and quit joking around.
Now that we’ve both hit middle age, many of our parts have indeed settled, and in a southward position, too, but we haven’t as yet ‘‘settled down.’’ We have found that our humorous take on life has helped us to get through some difficult times, not by laughing at them but by laughing through them.
Laughter has saved our jobs and our marriages, and it has kept us both relatively sane. It has unclogged our arteries and kept us uncommonly thin. . . . Okay, our arteries aren’t totally unclogged, but so far the cookie-dough ice cream lining our aortas hasn’t broken loose and caused any major damage. Laughter is our life. And it is the only thing left on earth that the government can’t tax (though we understand they are working on it).
As much as we both love to laugh, we must confess that there are times we have found ourselves in the ‘‘cold places’’ of life. Swamped by discouragement, trapped beneath our circumstances, robbed of laughter and joy. Maybe you’ve found yourself in a similar situation. Although we believe that a sense of humor is a gift from God, too many of us seem content to surrender that gift to the joy thieves of life or, worse yet, leave the gift unwrapped, high on a shelf somewhere. Leaving it unwrapped is like undergoing a root canal without anesthesia. You may be able to do it, but boy, is it gonna hurt!
God knew laughter would be important in life. That’s why the equipment was installed on the assembly line, but we sometimes choose to ignore it. The emergency brake release button is right there in plain sight, but we bump along neglecting to use it, wondering why we’re seeing all that smoke in the rearview mirror, forgetting that we have a built-in release valve that we’re not taking advantage of. Surrendering our happiness to bullies or joy thieves is equally self-defeating.
You may be surprised to discover that even comedians don’t always live a joy-filled life. As odd as that sounds, many will confess to the truth of that statement. They can stand before audiences of thousands, making them laugh, knowing all the while that their own funny bone is broken and should be in a cast. We both have friends in the comedy world whose lifelong struggle is restoring and maintaining their joy. Before his death, Rodney Dangerfield was asked by Time magazine, ‘‘Do you think being depressed is an occupational hazard for a comedian?’’ He answered, ‘‘That’s the way it is; what can I tell you? The better the comedian, the more depressed he is. When I was 15, I tried to escape being unhappy by writing jokes.’’1
To further prove our point, we could list all the comedians throughout history who were raised in dysfunctional homes, suffered major losses in life, and battled bouts of depression, but then we’d have to sell this book for $240 because of the page count!
In a recent e-mail to Phil, a young father asked the question ‘‘Who stole my joy? Please tell me where to find it and how to bring it back.’’
It is a question both of us hear almost on a daily basis.
Perhaps you’ve been asking it, too. Maybe the laughter that once echoed down the hallways of your home is gone. Perhaps the circumstances you are in right now—or have been in for years— have pinned you to the mat. You can’t see the sun that rises every morning, much less the fridge light bulb (even though it’s there, right behind the brownies). If that sounds like you, then we hope that by the time you’ve finished reading this book, you’ll be on the road to regaining your joy.
Are we saying that your circumstances will miraculously change if you add more humor to your life? No. If you release that emergency brake and laugh a little more, will your estranged spouse come home, will your doctor change that diagnosis that has you consumed with worry, will you have an unlimited supply of money, and will all your children make the dean’s list at Harvard? Maybe. Maybe not.2 Are we saying that the stories and the laughter in the coming pages will help you stress a little less over those areas of life that are beyond your control? We hope so. Can laughter be the lubricant you need when life gets too hard to maneuver through? Absolutely. Will your sense of humor make the pain a little easier to take? You bet. Will a few dozen hearty laughs per day burn up some unwanted calories? Without a doubt, and without even breaking a sweat!
Laughter. The more we learn about it, the more we realize it’s nature’s wonder drug.
So if, like many of our comedian friends, you buried your funny bone years ago, we invite you to dig down through the pain and disappointment that have covered it all these years, and discover joy and hope once again. We’ll even show you some secrets for doing so. And if your sense of humor is in perfect working order and you just picked up this book because you’re on a laughter diet and would rather laugh the calories off than skip the carbs, we hope there’s plenty here for you, too! Whatever brought you to these pages, we just want you to promise us one thing: If you like even some of what you read here, please feel free to send us a line. We’ll forward your note to our high school teachers. It’ll make them feel so much better for passing us.
1Time, May 17, 2004, 6.
2But if it happens, please let us know.
PART ONE
Fridge Magnets
(Bringing Joy Back to Life)
When we lose, I eat. When we win, I eat.
I also eat when we’re rained out.
Tommy Lasorda quote, seen on a friend’s fridge
Tommy would likely agree that Krispy Kreme donuts are not therapy. They’re delicious and may make us feel better temporarily, but eating a box (or two or twenty) of them is not going to change your life or bring you lasting joy. When we go looking for comfort in the fridge, our problems are still going to be exactly where we left them. (What won’t be where we left it is our waistline.) But what brings true comfort and lasting joy? Here are some stories and ideas we think will help provide the answer. We also think they will help you laugh.
Warning: If you have a serious addiction to chocolate, please skim this section, as it may give you an unhealthy desire to sell everything you own and drive to Hershey, Pennsylvania.
Chocolate Therapy
Chocolate makes me all better.
Lily Bolton, three years old
Did you ever think, like Forrest Gump, that life is like a box of chocolates, only in your case it seems that someone stole all the best ones and left you with nothing but the nuts? Well, even nuts are a lot more tolerable in almond roca or a strawberry sundae. In other words, there are certain foods that make those rocky, nutty places of life seem to go down a little easier. But we’re not sure that anything can help turnips.1 While some foods are natural energy boosters, and others improve our immune system, others, well, maybe God created to be our comfort foods.
But you may be wondering, just how much comfort is enough? If you start eating chocolate by the fistful before eight o’clock in the morning. to make up for the fact that your husband snored most of the night, is that an allowable amount? The candy wrapper may have its nutritional facts, but it probably doesn’t list any emotional information. It won’t tell you how much of it you need to eat for your emotional well-being. Pick up an aspirin bottle and there are warnings and instructions and recommended dosages for removing all kinds of headaches.2 But how are we supposed to know just how many Kit Kat bars one should eat to experience similar results in our psyches? How many Twix bars are required before we can forget that promotion we know we deserved but didn’t get? How big does our banana split need to be to cover that outrageous gas bill? And how many brownies does it take to heal a broken heart?3 None of these questions can be answered by reading the packag
es or asking the Baskin-Robbins clerk. Until now, we have had to leave it all to mere guesswork. But thanks to our extensive research team, we’re about to change all that. Our Table of Comfort Foods and Cures is not only the first of its kind, it is, we understand, in the running for a Nobel Prize in Science and Home Economics. There is no need to thank us for developing this ‘‘feel good’’ food chart. The research was reward enough.
Table of Comfort Foods and Cures
Crisis Cure
Kids planning sleepover with four neighbor children 2 cream puffs (lite)
Property taxes due 1 Starbucks mocha Frappuccino, with 1 package of cinnamon rolls
Cable TV out . . . again 6 almond rocas
Fender bender in parking lot 4 Twinkies
Fender bender in parking lot at child’s soccer game with all the other parents watching 12 Twinkies (remove wrappers before consuming)
Computer crash 3 Snickers bars (2 to eat, 1 to pummel computer with)
Daughter gets driver’s license 1-pound cheesecake topped with cherries
Daughter’s boyfriend gets driver’s license Eat cheesecake straight from the pan. No fork needed. Forget cherries.
Caught in traffic jam 1 melted candy bar and a hot-sauce packet from Taco Bell, both found under seat
Son brings home report card 2 slices of chocolate cream pie
Teacher comes along when son brings home report card Entire chocolate cream pie (not to be used for throwing)
Parking ticket Hot fudge sundae
Parking ticket in front of a Baskin-Robbins Double hot fudge sundae
Dog bites mailman 7 brownies (3 for you, 4 for mailman)
Mailman bites dog 3 brownies for you, 2 for dog, and a chewstick for the mailman
This, of course, is in no way all-inclusive. There are plenty more examples of food and drink that bring comfort when consumed in the right quantities and at the proper times. But this is something that has been known for years. Certain foods really do bring us comfort. Of course, when we were children and got sick, our mothers had other remedies they wanted to try out on us. Their charts looked more like this:
It's Always Darkest Before the Fridge Door Opens: Enjoying the Fruits of Middle Age Page 1
