Illness Cure
Slight cough Stay indoors, take 8,000 mg vitamin C every twenty minutes, lots of water, and sip bowl of hot chicken broth (they told us it was chicken, but often it tasted more like soap).
Slight cough worsens Repeat first cure, then add vitamins A, E, D, H, F, zinc, Old South orange juice, and cod liver oil. (We never understood why they would bother with the vitamins and orange juice since the cod liver oil would usually make us lose them, if you know what we mean.)
Serious, constant cough Straight to bed with mustard poultice4 on chest until patient has third-degree burns.
Third-degree burns on chest Treat area with butter and grated carrots.
Pain goes away but cough worsens Apply Vicks VapoRub to singed area. (Provide ear plugs to family and neighbors to block out screams.) Slowly chew four garlic cloves.
Garlic breath Chew coffee beans and fennel seeds and drink ice water. Or just stay away from people altogether.5
I (Phil) don’t know about all the other remedies, but I certainly remember how comforting Old South orange juice was to me. When my temperature climbed above one hundred degrees, I loved the joyful sound of my dear mother clanging the wooden spoon (the same one she spanked me with, I believe) around and around in the pitcher, trying to melt that concentrate, and when at last she poured me a tall glass, I knew it was just a matter of time before that fever was history and I would mourn the fact that I had to return to school. (I was shocked in later years to discover that they sell Old South orange juice in grocery stores. I had no idea you could buy it. I always thought Old South came straight from our pastor at the little country church we attended, since he usually arrived about the same time my juice did.)
When we are sick, few things equal the comfort that comes when a friend or clergy member knocks on the door with compassion in his or her heart (and a casserole in each hand). Friends and food make a great pair, don’t they? Sitting around the table enjoying six or seven of the four basic food groups all in one dish can be a comfort during the good times and bad.
In the Bible, the apostle Paul was comforted by friends (Colossians 4:11), contrary to Job’s friends, who we don’t think even brought a casserole. Paul was also comforted by the love of Christ (Philippians 2:1). What greater comfort could there be than knowing that God loves us; that he will always be with us; that he will never take us where he has not been. The psalmist agrees. ‘‘My comfort in my suffering is this,’’ he wrote, ‘‘lots and lots of chocolate!’’ Okay, sorry, that was a typo. No, his comfort wasn’t found in chocolate. Or caramel. Or nougat. Or espresso. Or any of the other things that some of us turn to so quickly to find that ‘‘feel good’’ feeling. While some look for comfort at the bottom of a rum bottle or in six pounds of rum-filled truffles, the psalmist found his comfort in God’s promises: ‘‘Your promise preserves my life’’ (Psalm 119:50).
May the contents of your fridge be used to comfort others and yourself. But more important, may the contents of God’s Word be your eternal comfort.
All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.
2 Corinthians 1:3–4 NLT
1Some foods were not so much meant to be eaten as they were meant to be thrown. Not that we’re recommending this.
2Yes, there are different kinds. At last count 347.
3This was a Bee Gees song.
4Half cup mustard powder, 1 cup flour, mix with water. Pancake mix can be substituted, but blueberry pancake mix can cause your doctor to misdiagnose you with a heart problem.
5This is a great diet idea and one of the few that really works. Bonus: Without even dieting, you look smaller to people because they stay far away.
You Can’t Keep a Good Man
(or Woman) Down
There are some things in life that just can’t help but put a smile on our face, no matter what kind of a mood we happen to be in. Take, for instance, a Mexican mariachi band. Have you ever tried to stay down while listening to the music in a Mexican restaurant? It’s impossible. You may have walked in humming ‘‘Nobody Knows the Troubles I’ve Seen,’’ but after a couple choruses of ‘‘La Cucaracha,’’ you’ll be donning a sombrero and tapping your flatware to the beat.
Have you ever watched a group of preschoolers sing at a Christmas program while their teachers hover over them, praying against disaster? If you can do so without smiling, you have bigger problems than two humorists can fix.
Here are a few other things it is impossible to do and stay feeling down.
The Hokey Pokey
Be tickled
Eat cotton candy
Wear a clown nose
Juggle1
Play with a yo-yo
Yodel
Speak pig Latin2
Hold a puppy
Chew bubble gum
Carry a balloon
Swing on a swing set
Ride a carousel
Blow bubbles
Fly a kite
Skip
Listen to banjo music
Ride a stick horse
Listen to a polka
Play the harmonica3
Help someone else
A man there was, tho’ some did count him mad,
The more he cast away, the more he had.
John Bunyan
1Unless you’re severely down, in which case we wouldn’t recommend juggling chainsaws.
2Though listening to someone else speak pig Latin may be the ticket to send you over the edge.
3Phil once had a Sunday school teacher who played the harmonica professionally and carried a beeper—which was a little optimistic of him.
In Pursuit of Your Passion
Why does SeaWorld have a seafood restaurant?
I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize . . .
I could be eating a slow learner.
Lynda Montgomery
Some people live to eat. Others live to cook. And some of us (like Phil) live to eat other people’s cooking. But even Phil doesn’t take it to the extremes that some people do.
At the World Hot Dog Eating Championships held each Fourth of July on Coney Island, New York, Takeru Kobayashi’s passion for eating has helped him set the world record. This competitive eater (how come no one offered us that choice on career day at our high schools?) polished off forty-nine hot dogs in just twelve minutes. That’s more than one hot dog every fifteen seconds. Though he weighs only 131 pounds, this lean, mean, eating machine has held the hot dog–eating record for five years straight. The reward for eating enough hot dogs to feed a small army? A trophy, a championship belt, and far more important—a year’s supply of hot dogs, which at the rate he consumes them, could be enough to feed the Super Bowl attendees.
But Takeru is passionate about the consumption of hot dogs. His nearest opponent was Sonya Thomas, who set the American record by eating thirty-seven hot dogs before the buzzer (and probably her esophagus) sounded.
Nicknamed the Black Widow, Sonya can chow down more in one sitting than a family of eight. Who knows, she might even be able to eat a family of eight if the stakes were right. Sonya is ranked ‘‘the number one eater in America.’’ Even more amazing is the fact that she weighs less than one hundred pounds. But she has developed her skill and isn’t letting anything get in the way of her goal.
‘‘I am always trying to stretch my stomach,’’ she said in one interview.1
How does someone train for eating events like these? According to Sonya, she runs on the treadmill for close to two hours a day and, as a manager of a Burger King, she gets a good workout being on her feet and overseeing the fast-food operation. Sonya also goes to all-you-can-eat buffets whenever she can, which can’t help but stretch one’s stomach. No one can eat at an all-you-can-eat buffet on a regular basis and not end up with a stomach more stretched out than the national budgets of both America and Canada.
We’re sure Takeru trains for his competitions, too. But we can’t help wondering why they do it. What drives Takeru and Sonya to train so hard and enter so many food-eating contests? According to Sonya, she does it because she sees competitive eating as an international sport. She would someday like to be treated with the same respect and admiration as sports stars Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan.
Some live to eat, and some live to play. Recently a fifty-four-year-old man was pulled over on a freeway in Toronto. Why? For playing the violin while driving.4 He told the cops he was on his way to a performance and needed to warm up. He’s lucky he didn’t play the tuba.
How about you? What is it that you will do almost anything to pursue? What are you passionate about?
Dave Moffitt is passionate about sports. So passionate that for six years he has been living, eating, and sleeping in his Saturn car, driving across America watching sporting events. He has seen every NFL, NHL, MLB, and NBA team play in its home stadium or arena. He has watched hundreds of horse races, car races, golf tournaments, even Little League games. Dave’s passion doesn’t cost him as much as you’d think. He eats veggies from a can and sneaks hot dog buns into stadiums where he loads them up with free relish, ketchup, and mustard. He shaves in Wal-Mart bathrooms and showers at truck stops. Dave never pays to park, and he finds the cheapest tickets he can. He eats bananas for breakfast and orders lunch from the McDonald’s dollar menu. Dave is no dummy. He has earned four master’s degrees but retired after more than thirty years of teaching junior high phys ed. He just loves sports.
Not surprisingly, Dave has an ex-wife and two estranged daughters. His girlfriend teaches school in Japan, not too far from Takeru Kobayashi’s house. As far as we know, Dave’s relationship with his girlfriend is going fine, but should she tire of his passionate pursuit of sports, Dave says that they won’t be together anymore.
Contrast these passions with the passions of those who are living for something that will outlast them. Mother Teresa was passionate about helping others, so much so that she dedicated her life to serving the poorest of the poor in Calcutta. Billy Graham’s passion was spreading the simple truth of the Gospel to as many people around the world as he possibly could. Did he fulfill his passion? We think the answer is pretty obvious.
Someone has defined failure as succeeding at something that doesn’t really matter. We hope you’re passionate about something that matters. Hopefully your passion won’t cost you your relationships, your job, your family, or your digestive tract, but throughout history, passion is what has driven people to great things. A lack of passion equals a lack of joy. Without passion, we’re all doomed to a life of mediocrity.
And what are we passionate about?
We’re passionate about chocolate, but we’re more passionate about reminding people of the importance of finding the laughter in life. I (Martha) am passionate about telling others how much God loves us and has a plan for our lives. I (Phil) have told people that the words I want written on my tombstone are these: ‘‘He found God’s grace too amazing to keep to himself.’’5 I’d like to spend whatever days I have left telling others of God’s amazing and amusing grace, reminding them of our reasons to rejoice, helping them bring joy to life.
And we both love to eat hot dogs at baseball games . . . one at a time.
Yet if we celebrate, let it be
that he has invaded our lives with purpose.
Luci Shaw
1We are, too, but no one gives us a trophy for it.
2That one doesn’t impress us. We’re pretty sure we’ve done that.
3As far as we know, these were separate contests on separate days.
4This had not yet been addressed in the Vehicle Code.
5It sure beats, ‘‘See, I told you I was sick,’’ or ‘‘Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.’’
Fresh Veggies
That day is lost on which one has not laughed.
French Proverb
There’s nothing quite like fresh vegetables from your garden to fill a refrigerator’s shelves. Fresh corn, fresh radishes, fresh cucumbers, and fresh tomatoes.
There’s an old joke that deserves retelling here, since it’s about an elderly Italian gentleman who planted a fresh tomato garden every spring. This particular spring, though, he wouldn’t have his son, Vincent, to help him dig up the ground, as Vincent was in prison. The ground was rock hard, too hard for the old man to work, so he wrote a letter to his son complaining about his predicament. It read,
Dear Vincent,
I guess I won’t be planting a tomato garden this year. I’m getting too old to be doing all that gardening. If only you were here to dig up the plot, I could do it. But I guess that’s impossible.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received this reply from his thoughtful son:
Dear Dad,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At four o’clock the following morning, FBI agents and the local sheriff’s department arrived at the old man’s house and immediately started digging up the entire area. But to their disappointment and frustration, they didn’t uncover a single body. They apologized to the old man and then got into their cars and left.
A few days later the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That was the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
We tried and tried to think of a great spiritual application for this joke. We called theologians; a few had PhDs. They laughed at the joke but shook their heads when it came to a life lesson. Maybe the application is this: Sometimes we need to quit looking for applications and just enjoy a good laugh.
I felt his presence when you laughed just now.
Phil Keaggy
Eat Like You Were Dyin’
With apologies to the writers of ‘‘Live Like You Were Dyin’’’ (one of the greatest country songs ever written).
Song for a Cruise Ship
She said, ‘‘We were in our early fifties
With a few good years before us,
So let’s take this cruise while we’ve still got the time.’’
We spent most of those nine days
Standing over food trays,
Scarfing down those scallops
and cheesecake and key lime!
My stomach was a’achin’
and I was leaning on the railin’.
Then it hit me that I ate my weight in shrimp.
So what’d I do?
I went and had another fritter,
I ate Rocky Mountain oysters,
I spent 2.7 hours eating food off that buffet.
And I got sicker and I turned greener,
then I ordered Pepto Bismol and said I’m buying!
And I told them all I’m glad I got the chance
to eat like I was dyin’.
I quit counting carbohydrates
that most the time I hadn’t,
and I ordered up a sausage double cheese.
By then I needed a physician.
But I’d give up my position
in the buffet line at midnight every night.
So I ordered up a latte
and I savored one last brownie.
And if I
could, I’d sure do it all again!
Because I love those deep-fried pork chops,
and those steaks that keep on coming,
and spending 2.7 hours picking salmon off those bones.
But the boat sank deeper as I got bigger,
still it feels good eating all I’d been denying
and my friend, someday I hope you get the chance
to eat like you were dyin’!
Dinner’s Done, Call 9-1-1
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It’s a whole
different way of thinking.
Elaine Boosler
I (Phil) have pictures on my fridge. Pictures of friends and family and animals and one of my dad falling off a chair laughing. There are magnets, too. Imitation cabbages, cauliflowers, bittermelons, and pumpkins—all fitting the decor of the kitchen. The dieter’s favorite Bible verse is there: ‘‘He must increase but I must decrease.’’ Here are a few of my favorite fridge magnets:
You’ll eat it. You’ll eat it and like it.
Make yourself at home: Clean my kitchen.
Coffee isn’t helping, get the jumper cables.
I (Martha) have signs in my kitchen, too. I have a custom-made sign that my kids got me for above my stove that says, ‘‘Martha’s Burn Center.’’ Other original signs of mine say, ‘‘Dinner’s Done! Call 9-1-1!’’ and ‘‘Rolaids—They’re Not Just for Breakfast Anymore.’’
We don’t know about you, but we both love the kitchen. It is the heart of the house, the pulse of a family. So much happens in the kitchen. Botulism and putting out fires is only part of it.
First, the refrigerator is there. Need we say more? Nothing brings a family together quite like a weekly game of Guess What It Was. Whether it’s a cucumber that now looks more like a Chia Pet, cheese that now weighs two pounds more than it did when you bought it, or the three-week-old pot roast that is now providing a sort of neon lighting for you to see the rest of the food, playing Guess What It Was is a fun and educational game that has been bringing families together since the invention of the refrigerator.
It's Always Darkest Before the Fridge Door Opens: Enjoying the Fruits of Middle Age Page 2
