Bring Me You

by Ryleigh Andrews

  I always think of how my life could have turned out if you were still here. If you hadn’t left and turned my life upside down. You ruined me. You broke me. I don’t even know who I am. All I see is your abandonment and how that shaped me. I can’t even remember the person I was before that.

  God, I hate you for what you did to me! You took away normal. You changed every single thing about my life the day you walked out that door!

  I’ve always secretly hated Christmas. Well not always, only since I found out that Santa wasn’t real. I remember when Papa told me when I was 9. I blamed you. You took Santa with you when you left. Just another reason to hate you.

  That was the first Christmas where I learned the benefit of putting on a happy face. I did it then to make Papa happy. I couldn’t stand seeing him sad and worried about me. I could take one worry away from him with my smile.

  But I’ve got a big problem right now. I can’t find my happy face anymore. :(

  Ethan helplessly ran his hand through his hair. He never realized she was depressed. She hid it well. He re-read that passage to glean any information he could about her family. Who was this person that hurt her, whom she hated with such loathing? Could the person be a relative? It didn’t appear to be her father, but her mother? He had no clue. He didn’t even know if her parents were divorced or still together. Mia never talked about them.

  24 December 2007 12:23 P.M. New York, NY

  Ugh! Why the hell did I drink that much? Yesterday officially made it into the TOP 5 worst days ever, knocking the day Luke moved to Indianapolis off the list. And it just wasn’t one thing—it was the cumulative effect of so much shit—not being able to go home, Ethan’s stupid internet and to finish it off, this fucking hangover.

  24 December 2007 9:30 P.M. New York, NY

  I think I might be making another bad decision, but as I sit here, watching Ethan’s game and listening to the announcers speculate as to why I am not there supporting him, I hold a little white pill in my hand and think of how happy it will make me.

  I hope it’ll help me find my happy face.

  Oh, Mia. He continued to read, needing to know if she took the drugs or not.

  25 December 2007 7:51 A.M. New York, NY

  Okay, X was fun. I felt so happy and carefree. I didn’t think of my troubles, my past. I just saw how beautiful life was—the colors, the sounds—the music was … it was like hearing it for the first time. My skin. God, having my skin touched was fucking amazing. If I wasn’t touching myself, which I did often, Todd was.

  The simplest touch was ten times more electric. The feelings … it was addictive. Calming.

  It had been so long since I felt that good.

  What exactly did she do with Todd? Was it just touching or was it more along the lines of what he saw tonight? Really what did he see, now that he knew she was high? He saw her shed her wet clothes. He saw her laughing—a much missed sight. He saw Todd kiss her which she did not stop. How much was her being high and how much was anger at Ethan for not coming to New York and him meeting up with Kristen? He hoped she addressed that later in the journal.

  25 December 2007 10:18 P.M. New York, NY

  OH MY GOD!!! I’m going to be able to see that sexy man of mine! Merry Christmas to me! 8 hours of sex! Thank you, Santa! :)

  26 December 2007 11:24 P.M. 30,000 ft

  I will savor those hours with Ethan for a long time. It was perfect. I really don’t know what I did to deserve that wonderful man. I am so freaking lucky to have him love me, want me.

  It is amazing what being in love can do for you. I smile every single time I think about him, which is a lot. The people on the plane must think I’m a bit crazy with all my smiling. I just want to say to them: ‘You’d be smiling too if you just made love to your fiancé for seven hours!’

  28 December 2007 10:32 P.M. Rio

  Brazil is beautiful. So sexy. Everything! I think I may need to buy sexier swim suits to even try to attempt fitting in.

  30 December 2007 11:41 P.M. Rio

  God! Into temptation. That is what they should call that beach. So many good looking men. SO MANY!

  But all I kept seeing was Ethan … well, a naked Ethan. I miss his abs, touching them, kissing them. I so need to have sex with my fiancé! NOW!!

  I wonder if he’s home …

  31 December 2007 2:27 A.M. Rio

  :) Now that was the best Skype conversation EVER!

  He sighed. That was pretty much the last time they had a happy call. Things went downhill after that. She enjoyed South America, especially the beaches and clubs, and of course, pictures made their way back to him of her frolicking on the beach, her smile huge, playing volleyball or in the ocean, lying topless on the beach. He tried to not let it bother him. Then Allie told him that she suspected something was wrong with Mia. When she wasn’t out on the beach or at the clubs, her behavior was very off. She was withdrawn, lost in her own world. He didn’t see that when they talked. She was all smiles.

  His head fell back as it dawned on him—her happy face. Goddamn it! She was hiding it from him. How long had she been doing that? At least since October. Why didn’t she talk to him during any of those times?

  It all built up until it exploded while she was in Australia. He expected a scathing recount of their argument while she was in Sydney in her journal. Something. That call was brutal—their first big blow out. He’d been so angry at her. But there were no entries of her time Down Under. He had a feeling it was because she was drunk most of the Australian leg of her tour. The next entry was when she returned to the Northern Hemisphere.

  30 January 2008 9:50 P.M. Toronto

  Back to North America! I should be happy, but I’m trying to not let the fact that my fiancé has not contacted me in over a week get to me. Not even his customary text welcoming me to a new town.

  I’m angry, but more than that, I’m scared. Why is Ethan being so distant? The answers I have to that question are definitely not something I want to think upon.

  Fuck it all! I need a run!

  1 February 2008 3:07 A.M. Somewhere in Canada

  Marty lectured me tonight. And I HATE to admit he had good reason to do so. When have I ever chosen to drink before a show? After a show, different story. Before, never … until tonight. Then after the show … I wasn’t planning on it, but then the joint was there in front of me and I said yes with no arguments. I was quite happy for it.

  And of course, there’s Marty telling me that I don’t need the drugs. I know I don’t need them, but right now, they are my only way of coping. I need the way they make me feel because I can’t seem to hold onto the happiness anymore. It slips away too easily. I miss Ethan so much, but I swear, it doesn’t seem like he feels the same.

  Some days I wonder if it would be better to end it … I wouldn’t have all these doubts and fears. Does he still love me? Does he still want me? Is he fed up with this? Has he met someone else? God, what if he has??? FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

  His heart lurched. End it? She thought about ending it before the whole not-going to New York incident? Before she found out about Kristen? What did she think after that? Obviously it pushed her to ask for this break.

  He quickly scanned the next page until he got to her New York entries.

  2 February 2008 4:09 A.M. Middle of Rural NY

  I’m so tired. Not just physically but emotionally. Trying to sleep on the tour bus has been hell. So here I am, music on and notebook in my lap. God, I need sleep. But I keep thinking about the fact that I may see Ethan soon. That makes me happy.

  4 February 2008 11:53 P.M. New York, NY

  I can’t believe he didn’t come to NY! I can’t believe he didn’t text or call me the entire time. Why didn’t he come? It’s been weeks since we last saw each other. I just don’t understand. He always has at least 2 days off after a game. Why couldn’t he spend some of that time with me? Instead I spent the entire weekend drunk and high.

  5 February 2008 1:34 P.M. Chicagoland


  Nothing like passing out to get myself to sleep. Or throwing up the next morning on a fucking tour bus. The life of a mother fucking rock star. Can you see my eye roll?

  We are now just saying goodbye to Indiana and are heading into Chicago. It sucks that we are driving so close to my house, passing it and my nice comfy bed by. I miss my house :( 5 months since I’ve been home.

  5 February 2008 3:54 P.M. The Land of Cheese

  Why didn’t he want to ‘do this now?’ What the fuck does that even mean? Did he mean just the conversation or … yeah, not thinking about that.

  God, I hate the thoughts in my head! I just want them to stop. I don’t want to doubt him. But that’s all I’m doing lately. It makes me so sad that I can’t remember the last time he told me he loved me. Does he even love me anymore? Is that why he hasn’t said it? Does he even want me?

  Fuck! Why did that hurt so much to write?

  6 February 2008 12:13 A.M. St. Paul, MN

  I’ve been staring at this bag of drugs for the past hour, fighting myself. A very big part of me wants to dive into the bag and just drown. I don’t have much fight left in me. Not after tonight.

  He was attracted to another woman. He considered acting on that attraction. He thought about cheating on me. He said he didn’t sleep with her but what exactly happened? He had guilt so something happened. Was it just a kiss or was it more?

  I think it was more. But just how much more?

  I told him we needed a break. What the fuck was I thinking? But the words just came out. I can’t handle the way we’ve been anymore. It’s slowly destroying me. A break can give us a chance to reset. Think about things. Then we can talk and work things out. Right?

  Mia knew him too well. Ethan didn’t want to tell her, but she was right. It was more than a kiss. He came so close to making the worst mistake of his life. He knew if things were going to get sorted out, the two of them needed to be completely honest with each other and that meant telling Mia everything about Kristen.

  I got to stop thinking about this or I will lose. I’m going to bed.

  He was the biggest fool. How could he let things get to this point? How could he go one day without saying he loved her? How could he let it get to the point where she doubted his love for her?

  He had no good answers. Only selfish ones.

  The last entry was directed towards him.

  6 February 2008 7:37 P.M. St. Paul, MN

  Ethan, are we going to make it? I need you to fight for me. Because I have lost the fight.

  Holy fuck! He’d never been so alarmed. What she wrote was so dark and depressed. He didn’t know what the hell was going on. What happened to the fun-loving woman he had fallen in love with? The tour robbed him of her, long before the fiasco and the fallout from New York. He needed her back. Damn he just needed her—dark clouds and all.

  Ethan rubbed his eyes and looked at his watch. It was quarter to seven. He got up to call for some coffee and breakfast. He stood there, in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do next.

  Returning to the sofa, he stared at her notebook, wondering what she would remember of last night. When she was talking to him earlier, she was so honest with him. He really wished he had read her notebook before she had come back. He had a lot more questions he wanted to ask while she was being so forthcoming with her answers.

  How did he not know about any of this? Did he even really know Mia?

  When room service arrived, Ethan poured himself a cup of coffee and went to the window to watch the sunrise. Funny, it didn’t feel like the start of a new day. It felt like the end of one.

  Mia

  Mia awoke slowly. Her head ached badly, her mouth as dry as the desert. She tried to remember what she did last night. Vague recollections flitted through her consciousness. She remembered going to the club and some stuff before that, but not early in the day. She definitely recalled taking the ecstasy and dancing with Todd.

  A half smile crept over her face remembering the pounding music and the sensual, hands-on dancing. There were no thoughts of Ethan, no thoughts of their troubles. Just pure unadulterated bliss.

  Though as she stared out the window, Mia felt the weight of missing him crushing her. She hurt every minute of every day without him. Well, when she wasn’t high or drunk, that was. She needed him, but foolishly told him they needed a break. What the hell had she been thinking? She hadn’t. She’d been feeling; reacting. She forgot that he was with her regardless—in her heart. That counted for so much. Why had that been so hard for her to grasp until now? She lost touch with that. Mia had let the heaviness of her sadness overtake everything. She knew that. She wallowed in it for awhile, but she would change that, starting now.

  Rolling away from the window, the wonderful scent of coffee teased her nose. She needed to talk to Ethan, call him and tell him how much she loved him, tell him how sorry she was for the way she’d been acting lately and rescind her stupid idea of a break. She threw her legs over the side of the bed and gingerly sat up. That got her out of the bed. Ethan was a better motivation than coffee.

  Mia shuffled her still-sleepy body into the living area to look for her phone and stopped in surprise—Ethan was standing in front of her window, looking at the skyline, his shirt off, showcasing his masterpiece of a back.

  He came to her.

  He was here.

  Oh, fuck! Her hand flew to her mouth to stop the curse from escaping. Memories of last night raced in her mind, all jumbled and disconnected. She was so goddamn high last night. Did he know? She remembered talking to him last night. But about what? Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Think! Quickly!

  “Ethan?” she asked hesitantly.

  He turned around and she immediately sensed that something was wrong. The coldness she saw in his eyes frightened her. She had never seen him look like that. She chewed on the inside of her lip as she waited for him to speak.

  “I ordered some coffee,” he said matter-of-factly, motioning towards the tray. No hello. No smile. He didn’t even take a step in her direction. Those facts had her mind racing along with her heart. Something was definitely wrong. What else happened last night?

  Goddamn, Mia, think!

  “Thank you,” she said quietly, regarding him out of the corner of her eye as she crossed the room to the table.

  She fixed her coffee and made her way near him. She stood to his right, looking out the window as she sipped her coffee. “Ethan, what are you doing here?”

  “After our talk, I knew I had to see you. So I contacted Allie and we came up with this little surprise.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

  The coldness of his laugh surprised her. Mia never heard it before and never wanted to again. But what shocked her even more were the words that came out of his mouth next. “What? And miss you screwing around with Todd? I was already here when you came back from wherever the hell you were. Don’t you remember? I stood right here,” he yelled, pointing to the floor below him, “as I watched Todd kiss you, touch you like I’ve touched you. I was standing right here as you broke my heart.”

  Her mind and heart raced. Todd? Then everything she did yesterday night flooded her mind. Kissing Todd in the club, his hands all over her. The walk back from the club. They stopped often, making out on the streets of St. Paul. Oh, God, she thought, clutching the table. What had she done? She hated what he was saying. She hated herself more for what she did.

  “Ethan …” she said, moving a little closer to him. She had no idea what else to say.

  “What the hell were you thinking, Mia?” he yelled, turning on her, the force of his question caught her off guard. She cringed at his voice. He had never yelled at her before. Then again, she had never given him reason.

  “I don't think I was,” she began.

  “Damn right! How the fuck could you with all the drugs you had in you?”

  He knew. Oh my God, he knew! Mia looked up at him and saw the pain in his eyes. She sat down on the couch. She didn’t
think she could stand anymore. Wetting her lips, she took a deep breath.

  “You know?” she asked, feeling humiliated and defeated, deserving of whatever he said to her.

  “Yes, I know about them. What the hell is going on with you? When the hell did you start taking drugs?”

  “When I was sixteen,” she answered, running her hand through her hair.

  “Are you telling me the whole entire time we’ve been together you've been doing drugs?” he asked unbelievably.

  “No!” she said, whipping her gaze to him. “I did not say that.”

  “Then explain it to me. What drugs have you been taking?”

  “Pot and ecstasy. I stopped a little before I moved to Chicago. I would occasionally use, but it wasn't a lot and I had only done pot back then. I hadn’t done any drugs for six months before I met you until last Christmas.”

  “Christmas?” he asked incredulously.

  “Yeah—alcohol wasn’t working.”

  “Why, in the name of God, did you start up again?” His eyes settled on her guitar, his hand rubbing hard against his jaw and cheek.