The Petal of the Rose

by LJ Maas

  "I only wish that could be so, little one. The blackness that comes over me in times of anger, or battle, this curse as I know it now hasn't always been this way. I knew it as a treasure at one time, a cherished part of myself. I can neither destroy it nor control it. I asked for it a long time ago, when I was still a young girl, and it was granted me. It was a gift freely given and accepted," I said mournfully.

  "A gift? Xena, who would do such a thing to a young girl?"

  "My patron."

  "Athena?" Gabrielle looked stunned and I turned slightly, realizing she hadn't put it together yet.

  "No, little one. It happened when I was a young woman, living in Amphipolis. It was before Cortese came through our village. Before my brother... Athena wasn't my patron until the evening before I invaded Athens."

  For the first time in many, many seasons, I spared a thought for my dead brothers. Lyceus had been just a boy when Cortese's army swept through Amphipolis. I convinced the young men to stay and fight for what was ours. We were victorious in battle, but the wounds that were suffered on that day shaped the pattern of my life, and the lives of those around me. Lyceus fell in battle, still a boy, a full head shorter than myself, but determined to fight as a man. Toris ran off. Branded a coward, he never returned to his village. Cyrene, her youngest child dead, her oldest never to be heard from again, held her only daughter responsible for the fate of the other two.

  I remember it so clearly, standing beside Lyceus's body, watching as my mother came in and saw her baby's body for the first time. I tried to explain, to tell her what happened, how I failed to protect him, to explain in some way, but she slapped me hard across the face. I stood there for a few more moments, frozen in shock and grief. I watched as Cyrene threw her body across her dead son and sobbed. That night I packed together what few belongings I had, and set out on my own. Some ten seasons later, I heard that Toris found Cortese and his men.

  My older brother tried to infiltrate the Warlord's band and was found out. He died the kind of a death that I would not have wanted to describe to my mother, had we even been speaking at the time. Toris justified himself in my eyes with his death, but my priorities were so skewed back then. I look to the past and think how much more valuable he would have been alive. I could have used an older brother; God knows Cyrene could have used a son. After having seen what forty-five seasons of life has had to show me, I would have taken a live coward for a brother, over a dead hero any day.

  My meager bit of satisfaction was that I crucified Cortese when I finally caught up to him. It didn't take him long to die considering nearly every bone in his body was broken before I had him strung up. I never saw my mother again after that. I heard she used to tell people that all her children died on the day of Cortese's raid.

  Xena?

  "What?" I asked, suddenly back from visiting my own demons.

  "Who was your patron before you served Athena?" Gabrielle asked.

  "Ares," I said flatly.

  "The dark one?" she asked, almost in a whisper.

  I nodded.

  "You served Ares... did his bidding?"

  Again, the slight nod of my head. "It was actually worse than that. I was his mistress," I said, and felt my cheeks grow hot with shame.

  "Did you love him?" Gabrielle asked.

  I turned to look at her fully. It took most of my control not to laugh at the young woman. Gabrielle had such a narrow focus where I was concerned. It touched my heart that the expression on her face was dreadfully serious. I took her hands in mine and kissed each one.

  "Are you jealous, little one?" I returned, just as seriously.

  "He is a god, after all, Xena. How can one not be jealous? I'm sure he makes my abilities look lowly in comparison."

  I didn't want her pain to go on, but her words flattered and touched me at once. I became aware for the first time of a rather well hidden jealous streak that Gabrielle possessed when it came to me. This time I couldn't help but smile, so overwhelmed as I was by the feelings directed toward me from this small slip of a girl. I could see the green coloring of her eyes grow just a tad deeper, and her right eyebrow had a natural arch to it that seemed to spike up a bit when she displayed this possessive side of herself.

  I reached out and stroked her cheek, bringing her eyes up to meet mine. "Gabrielle, don't you know that you possess every quality in a mate that I have ever prayed to Athena for?"

  I know she saw the truth of it in my eyes. I watched as her features returned to normal, that beautiful pink tinge of embarrassment, that I loved so, returning to her cheeks. I am always amazed every time I see it. For a young woman to have lived the life that Gabrielle has, and to still have the ability for the flush of innocence to flower upon her face at the least little compliment from me, that will always bring joy to my heart.

  "Now, are you going to finish combing my hair, or not?" I turned my back to her to hide my smile. She again began to comb the dark locks, still slightly damp, but drying quickly from the heat of the fire. A comfortable silence hung in the air. I was not a verbal person by nature, and so it was a comfort that Gabrielle could take my continuous attacks of speechlessness. I could feel the question in the air, however. It hung there, suspended aloft in both our minds. It had to do with Solan's taunt to me, no, actually his boast as we fought. I wanted to know if it was true, and Gabrielle was dying to ask what he'd done to trick me. I could feel her query come at the slight intake of breath as she prepared to speak.

  "Xena?"

  "Yes, little one?"

  "What did he do? Solan. What did he do to cause your darkness to emerge?"

  I licked my lips, my mouth suddenly dry. I didn't want to be the one to cause her pain. Hadn't she had enough humiliation for one lifetime? But, how could I lie to her, she who could see into my heart so well?

  "He said something," I answered.

  "That doesn't sound like you, Xena, allowing him to bait yo--" She stopped abruptly. I suppose my silence only confirmed the suspicion she had. "It was about me?" she questioned, but we both knew that she was already aware of the answer. "What did he say?"

  "What does it matter." I impatiently rose and crossed the room; pulling back the heavy tapestry to look out onto the village, smoke curling lazily from the chimneys of the newly built cottages.

  I felt her rise and step up behind me. She circled my waist with her arms, pressing her cheek against my back. I covered her small hands with my own, enjoying the feel of her pressed against me.

  "I always thought this might happen," she said. "I'm surprised that it never occurred to you."

  She was right. I never even thought about it. What if a dignitary from another land visited the palace? What if he'd had Gabrielle that way... even owned her at one time? I bit my lower lip at the thought.

  "What did Solan say to you, Xena?" she asked again.

  I sighed and closed my eyes. "That... he said that... he'd been with you... had you. He said it was a ship, probably the pirates. You were..." I paused a breathed deeply. "You were the entertainment."

  She held me tighter and I wondered just who was comforting who. "It's possible, I suppose. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it may not be the last time we hear it."

  "Do you remember?"

  I could feel her shaking her head against me. "No, but it happened a great deal."

  "You're right," I hugged her to me tighter. "It's not what I wanted to hear," I answered in a strangled voice.

  "I don't remember places, or their faces. I always hid inside of myself until they were finished with me, until it seemed safe to come out again."

  I felt her pull away from me and turned, catching her in my strong grasp, pulling her face back to meet mine. She had tears in her eyes and I wanted to shed my own in empathy.

  "I don't want to be a disappointment to you, Xena. The Conqueror needs a Queen that--"

  "Is exactly like you," I finished for her. I brushed away the wisps of golden hair that head fallen across her eyes, l
etting my hand run along the line of her cheek to her jaw. "I choose you, and I accept all the consequences that choosing implies. I believe we can do this, Gabrielle, as long as we do it together. It won't always be easy, love, but nothing worthy of a Queen ever is."

  I know she wanted to say something, but she held her tongue, nodding, and then lowering her head. I lifted her chin with two fingers. "You have done nothing to feel shame over, little one. If anything, the disgrace belongs to those who would have hurt you in such a way. I can't promise that I will never feel anger or even jealousy at the fact, but I do promise I will never direct those emotions at you. Gabrielle, you've read my scrolls. You know what kind of a woman I was."

  I paused. She was smart enough to know that I referred to my sexual proclivities. I used and I took. I know a few special scrolls I owned contained bards taking artistic license with some of my more private moments. Why anyone would want to read about an orgy was beyond me, but the stories amused me at one time. Now, they only filled me with embarrassment.

  Gabrielle nodded.

  "Then why would you think that you have more to be shameful for?"

  "I'm not sure. It just seems that I do."

  I leaned forward and tenderly kissed her forehead, she, leaning into the loving gesture. "That is because you look at me through love's eyes, little one. I thanks the Gods for it, and I pray that it never ends," I whispered. "And because I look at you in exactly the same way, perhaps that is why we will never see our relationship in the same way as outsiders do. I will never appear evil in your eyes, and you will never be anything but beautiful and innocent in mine."

  I wrapped my arms around her and we stayed that way for some time. Finally, I looked down and grinned at her. "Didn't you say something about 'possessing me' tonight?"

  Again, that lovely blush.

  "I did," she said softly, nuzzling the skin at my neck. "But, if you don't mind too much, I'm in a different mood tonight."

  "Oh, and what kind of mood would that be, love?"

  "A snuggling mood," she answered as she burrowed into my body further.

  "A snuggling mood?" I repeated. I could feel a ridiculous grin beginning. Gods how I do love this woman, if for no other reason than simply because she taught me how to feel.

  She nodded her head up and down.

  "A snuggling mood," I repeated thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose it would be a different experience. Are you a good snuggler? After all, I am the Conqueror, and I do believe I deserve the best."

  "I am a very good snuggler, My Lord." She whispered, kissing my collarbone.

  I leaned down and scooped her up into my arms, thoroughly enjoying the bright smile on her face. "Then your wish is my command, My Queen."

  I carried her into our bedchamber and kicked the door closed with my foot. We didn't make love that evening, although earlier, I certainly had the battle lust for it. Instead, we took turns holding one another throughout the night. I'm still not certain I want that little tidbit of information to be made common knowledge. I'd like to keep some semblance of my dignity intact. However, between myself, and the scroll I write upon, it was the most beautiful and peaceful night's rest I have ever experienced.

  CHAPTER 7

  FETTERED IN PRISON AND WITHOUT RELIEF.

  Addendum To The Lord Conqueror's Manuscript

  Separate Parchment

  Added In Xena, The Lord Conqueror's Presence

  By Queen Gabrielle Of Potidaea

  "XENA?" I CALLED OUT her name, quite concerned by this time. The way the corners of her mouth appeared, upturned as if smiling in her sleep, took some of the worry from me.

  "Xena?" I called out again, sitting on the bed beside her prone figure.

  Her smile turned into a frown and she pulled a pillow over, covering her face.

  "Xena, it's rather late in the morning for such an early riser, are you ill?"

  I saw the pillow shake back and forth and I smiled. This was the Xena that I knew. She could be child-like and innocent with a very playful dimension to her personality. I fear, however, that there are those who would think me quite ill in the head if I told them so.

  "Are you going to get out of bed?"

  "Don't wanna!" came her muffled reply. She tossed the pillow aside, and grasped my hands, pulling me toward her. "Come back to bed, love. I think I need more practice with this snuggling thing."

  I slipped my hands from her grip and laughed aloud at her ploy. "I think when it comes to snuggling, you're quite an adept student. I don't believe further tutelage is necessary. Besides, I am bathed and dressed for the day."

  "Mmm, and you look quite beautiful too," she answered in that charming way she has about her. She leaned up on one elbow and smiled, flashing me a glimpse of those Prussian blue bedroom eyes she can put on so easily. "That dress is very pretty on you . . . I bet it would look even better off of you." She finished as she made a quick move to reach out for me once again.

  I moved to the end of the bed, and cajoled her from there. She tossed the sheet aside and grinned. Moving to her hands and knees, she crawled, panther-like, toward me. I could feel the heated flush rise to my cheeks as it did whenever I saw her body like this. Gods, she is so incredibly beautiful. I can't even believe that she is mine. I had to physically shake my head to break the spell that she apparently used to control me. I jumped up and waggled a playful finger in her direction.

  "Oh, no, don't you dare."

  That adorable pout that she swears she doesn't have pulls at her mouth. I couldn't take it. If I didn't do something quick, I swear that I was going to burst into laughter at any moment.

  "Remember, my love, Conquerors who laze about in bed all day don't get their dessert after dinner."

  Her grin returned. Those blue eyes sparkled as she quickly grasped the double meaning of my statement. "Oh, all right, I'll be good."

  I heard her say those words as I poured her a mug of tea from the pot that Sylla had recently brought. When I spun around again to face her, my breath very nearly stopped. Stretched out on her side along the length of the bed, she held her head in the palm of her hand. She was stunning, lying there wearing nothing but an amused smile.

  "What?" she asked, the picture of innocence.

  "I--I just . . . "

  "Hhmm?" she ran long fingers through her sleep tousled hair.

  "I can't think straight when you lie there like that." I blurted out.

  Her throaty laughter affected me almost as much as the sight of her nude figure. She reached over and pulled the sheet around her, sitting up and accepting the tea I offered.

  "It's simply good to know that I can affect you in that way," she said with a smile.

  She brushed her hand against mine as she took the mug from my grasp, and I paused.

  "More than you know, my love, more than you know." I answered her, raising that same hand to lightly touch her cheek.

  "So, you saw that even Conquerors like to occasionally sleep in," she began. "Where is your day taking you in such a hurry, little one?"

  "I'm going to check on Solan, to see if he needs anything," I answered.

  "Alone?"

  I stood there, thinking about my answer for a moment. Xena was an incredibly complex woman, but at the same time, she seemed to suffer certain insecurities. I knew that I was, and always would be, one of her greatest areas of concern. I sat back down beside her on the bed. I wasn't sure how to begin, how to tell her of the thoughts I had rolling around in my brain. Frankly, I wasn't altogether certain about what I was doing myself. I only know that this course of action felt as though it was the right thing to do.

  "I'm uncertain how to explain this to you. It seems that Solan's wounds go much deeper than a simple beating and some broken bones. I'm honestly undecided that this is even the right thing to do," I said, brushing my bangs away from my eyes in a frustrated gesture. "I just have this feeling, Xena, this feeling that Solan is asking for help with the things he does, and the way he acts. I think he needs people
around him right now who won't be shocked or offended by his behavior. I'm sure he was raised in an honorable fashion, but it seems as if people have turned a blind eye to his ways because of who he is. From all that I've read that's not the way the centaurs expect their leaders to act. It's not right, Xena. He is a young man who may inherit the Centaur Nation someday. Even if he were recognized as the son of the Conqueror, it still wouldn't be right. I think we have a duty to him," I added, my head bowed, not raising my eyes to her. "I'm not sure why...it just feels as though we do," I finished.

  I waited then. I could hear her breathing. We sat so close I could feel the heat coming from her body, and with my eyes closed like this, I swear I could hear the cadence of her heart. I heard a deep sigh and I knew the storm was coming. She would fight against displaying any anger at me, for she loved me, but I envisioned her temper getting the best of her in this instance.

  "You are magnificent, do you know that?" I heard her voice finally say.

  My head snapped up and I saw her eyes narrow, their hue turning that deep blue as they do when she is trying to hold back her emotions. She once told me that I am an enigma to her, and on this day, at this very moment, she is that for me. She looks small and vulnerable sitting on our bed, only a sheet casually draped about her. One or two slightly gray hairs at her temple are the only indication of her age. I'm sure I am opened-mouthed because I suddenly find her smiling shyly at me.

  "You expected me to shout, didn't you?"

  "Well, I . . . I guess I did expect a rather different reaction," I answered.

  She chuckled softly at my response. "Well, I suppose I still have a few unpredictable moments left in me then. Gabrielle, I know my pride doesn't let me show it very often, but I trust in your feelings and your insight. You have gifts that can't be easily explained, but that doesn't mean we should discount them. I have seen too much in my lifetime not to believe in the unbelievable."

  She placed her mug of tea upon the low-lying table beside the bed, and then moved to face me fully.