The Petal of the Rose

by LJ Maas

  Another sharp cry of pain and I watched as Yu Pan pulled away from Solan and sat back down in the chair. "It cannot be." He muttered in an exasperated tone.

  Gabrielle seemed to take that as some sort of cue and rose to her feet. I quickly followed her, and watched as Yu Pan rose and stretched his body. His fingers slowly massaged his temples. He looked at the both of us, and then addressed Gabrielle.

  "He can't let go." Yu pan said in a puzzling sentence that somehow Gabrielle alone seemed to understand. "Unless he can let go of it here," he pointed to his head, "and here," he placed his hand over his heart, "it will not work. I need to relax, now. In this case, my nuer, your wisdom may help the most."

  Yu Pan ended the cryptic statement by leaving the room without even glancing at Solan or me. Gabrielle turned to gaze at me briefly before moving to the window. She faced away from the two of us, and I wasn't quite sure what to make of this whole scenario. I was fairly certain, however, that Yu Pan's words to Gabrielle meant something quite profound. Even now, I could tell by the way she positioned her body that she was at war within herself. Solan's impatient words brought me out of my reverie.

  "Is someone going to tell me what's going on?" Solan said to no one in particular.

  "Gabrielle?" I called to her gently, unsure myself of what had just happened.

  "She said if I believed he could do it, he'd do it. Well, I believed--"

  "It's your Qi." Gabrielle stated simply, still looking out the window.

  "My Ch'i? That mind-body thing, I remember. What's wrong with it?" Solan asked.

  His question surprised me. I hadn't realized that he and Gabrielle had discussed the healing methods using inner energy. Gabrielle finally turned and she crossed the room, pulling me away from Solan so that her words could not be overheard.

  "Xena, I need . . . I need to explain to Solan, but I fear the story I ought to use will anger you. It was from a time when someone hurt me. I thought . . . well, maybe you wouldn't want to stay." Gabrielle said, lowering her eyes from mine.

  "Little one," I answered, lifting her chin with my hand. "If you are brave enough to face the demons of your past for my son, should I be less courageous?"

  She smiled nervously, then squeezed my hand. She turned back to Solan and I tucked myself away in the corner, trying to make myself as little of a hindrance as possible. I also knew that if Gabrielle warned me, then this tale would not be a pretty one. I could already feel the hairs on the back of my neck prickling at the mere thought of anyone harming this woman.

  "Solan, Yu Pan is trying to say that you do believe in the power. In your head, you believe. I told you before that this healing with our inner energy takes more than the physical, but the spiritual, too; mind as well as body. You're holding on to some powerful emotions, and they're keeping you from listening to your heart, to your inner self."

  "I don't know what you mean." Solan answered sullenly, but a tiny awareness dawned within his expression and I think he did indeed understand at least a little about what Gabrielle was accusing him of.

  "Solan, it was said by a learned man that, He who knows much about others may be learned, but he who understands himself is the more intelligent."

  Gabrielle moved to sit down on the stool in front of Solan.

  "I'm not saying that you're lying. I'm simply saying that perhaps you're not even aware of these emotions. Sometimes feelings like these lie deep within us, and our conscious minds are unaware that they exist."

  "So, how can I fix something if I don't even know about it?" Solan asked.

  Gabrielle smiled at the intelligent question. "By using a form of meditation called one-with-nature. It will enable you to calm your mind and relax your body at the same time. It will bring your thoughts and ch'i in alignment with nature's thought, and nature's ch'i. It's a process of looking inward at ourselves.

  Let me tell you a tale that I learned from a philosophy teacher in Chin. A young student went with his learned master to visit the Temple of the Three Monkeys. The master asked, Who are the three monkeys?

  The student looked at the statues before him and replied, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Speak No Evil.

  The master said, Close your eyes and look again.

  The student was puzzled at first, but it didn't take long for him to respond, Yes, I see another monkey.

  The master asked, Who is that monkey?

  A thought suddenly came into the student's mind. He answered, Think No Evil.

  The student showed us the process of being one-with-nature. First, he asked himself a question, and second, he saw the solution inside of his mind. With his eyes closed, he couldn't rely on anything but his own heart for the answer," Gabrielle finished.

  For the next two candlemarks, I watched as Gabrielle taught Solan some meditative techniques that were not unlike the ones I had learned from my many seasons spent in Chin. Gabrielle showed infinite patience with the young man, but at one point Solan gave up.

  "Look, I don't understand what you want from me here! I can't see any hidden feelings that would keep me from having this healed!" He held up his mangled hand in front of Gabrielle.

  Gabrielle took a deep breath and I could see that she was tired. I could also see that she now realized that she would tell the story that she had held back until now.

  "Solan, we all have positive and negative energy within us. In its simplest terms, positive energy is love and acceptance. Negative energy is hate and anger, and all of the emotions surrounding those feelings. It is the negative Qi that I can see holds you back, even though you can't see it within yourself."

  "Oh, yea? And what makes you such an Oracle?"

  "Because I felt it, too. I felt hate, anger, loathing, and disgust. I was hurt once, so badly that even Yu Pan wasn't sure I would live."

  "I don't need to hear about this," Solan said quickly.

  "No, I would like to share it with you," Gabrielle responded. "I was raped, you see. Not an altogether uncommon occurrence for a female slave, but it was the vicious manner in which my attackers used me, as if for sport. I wasn't simply violated, sexually, but I was beaten, my bones were broken, and I was tossed aside and left for dead. Somehow, I ended up back with Yu Pan, and he attempted to heal my body, but it wasn't until he taught me how to heal my own soul that I was able to truly benefit from his miraculous physical healing."

  Gabrielle had captured both of us in the magical spell she wove as a storyteller, and I wondered if she did this to calm the fury that would have raced though me otherwise. Even Solan appeared to have lost his earlier expression of discomfort.

  "I was still holding on to those powerful emotions, that negative energy that prevented me from feeling the benefits of Yu Pan's healing. My own hate held me back. It was hate for the animals that committed the crimes. I spent long hours wishing them dead, plotting, in my mind, the many ways I would take my revenge. I envisioned how much better I would feel if they were made to pay, if they had to suffer for the things they did to me. My emotions may have been righteous, but they were negative. It took all the power within me just to keep them fed. Until one day, Yu Pan finally convinced me of the harm of such emotions. He showed me how to release them."

  "You forgave the monsters that did that?" Solan asked incredulously.

  "There is a difference between forgiving someone to help yourself, and doing it to offer them some sort of absolution. Just as there is a difference between apologizing, and admitting wrongdoing in a matter. Just because one says they're sorry, doesn't mean they are weak or are admitting wrongdoing."

  "So, you seem to have all the answers, tonight. Who do I have all this negative energy directed against?"

  He asked the question in a highly sarcastic tone, but I could tell that he wanted to hear the answer. Either he wanted confirmation of what he truly felt, or he was merely testing Gabrielle.

  "I believe what holds you back from the healing is a certain unresolved anger at your mother."

  Just like that she said
it. Hades, didn't I know that already? Didn't we all know it? The truth of her answer lay in Solan's unwavering reply.

  "I have other issues," he answered. "You would never understand."

  "I understand that your hate is over things past, things that you could not possibly undo with all the talants in the Greek Empire. It's time to let go of that anger, Solan, and embrace the future, for your own sake, if for no one else's. The only person you hurt with your hate is yourself.

  Xena will go on being Xena until the end of her days. She will be the Conqueror, and she will continue to make judgment calls such as the one she made at your birth. She will continue to make these decisions, for good or ill. She will forever make choices in her life; some that may possibly even affect you. She will do so, continuing to make the best decisions she can, given the information she has at the time.

  One thing will always remain constant, however. That is the fact that she will make these decisions without your opinion or assistance, and somehow, some way, you will have to find a way to live with them. You are holding a grudge, Solan, and although you think to hurt your mother with your ways, you hurt yourself far more."

  Solan didn't even try to deny any of it. He just sat there, he and Gabrielle staring at one another.

  "I've been holding on to it for an awfully long time," he half choked. "It's hard to change who I am."

  "But who are you, really, Solan?" Gabrielle asked quickly. "I had another teacher called, Chang Chou Tze. He told a story.

  Once Chang Chou dreamt he was a butterfly, a butterfly flitting and fluttering around, happy with himself and doing as he pleased. He didn't know he was Chang Chou in the dream. Suddenly he woke up and there he was, solid and unmistakably, Chang Chou. But he didn't know if he was Chang Chou who had dreamt he was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he was Chang Chou."

  Gabrielle stilled, letting the insightful words, and their underlying teachings wash over the young man. "Solan," she reached out and touched his hand. "A man is what he thinks, it's just that simple."

  "Nothing is that simple," he hissed. He jerked his hand away from Gabrielle's and we both looked at him in surprise.

  "You don't get it. I can't be healed . . . I can never be healed! There's too much--" he choked, and Gabrielle and I looked at one another. Neither one of us were aware of what had spurred the boy on to such hysterics.

  "Solan, it's easier than you think to soften your heart. Forgiveness can be so easy--"

  "Don't you hear me?" He shouted back at her. "How can I be healed? Forgiveness? How can I forgive anyone when I can't even forgive myself?"

  He seemed quite hysterical now, and Gabrielle moved from where she sat to stand beside me. Tears streamed down his face, and his body shook with the force of his cries.

  "Calm down, boy, what's got into you?" was all I could ask in my own confusion. "Solan, take it easy. I know you and I have things to deal with but I'm sure we can--"

  "It was my fault." Solan said suddenly.

  The sound of his voice stopped all thought of conversation in the room. His crying had stopped, and his voice held such intent. It was a deadly calm tone.

  "On that ship . . . that night. Gabrielle, I let them do that to you." Solan finally said.

  I could feel Gabrielle's whole body tense beside me.

  "You were there that night." Gabrielle said in confirmation.

  Her voice sounded small and frightened, quite a bit as it did when she first came to live with me. I was somewhat lost myself. I could only look between the two of them, Solan, shaking and crying, Gabrielle, listening, but uncomprehending.

  It only took a few more heartbeats for me to gather the pictures in my mind, of what Gabrielle must have looked like after they'd beaten and abused her, the helplessness she felt, and surely feeling her life was at an end. I could feel my own hands begin to shake as I saw the face of my son along with the others on board the ship that night. I didn't even hear it, but I felt the reverberation of the growl within my chest as I took a step toward Solan.

  "I didn't do anything!" He shouted, as he held one hand up to protect himself. He must have remembered this look on my face, the expression that told him his days as a living being were over. I stopped abruptly, watching as the young man tortured himself more than I could have.

  "Don't you see?" he shouted as he slammed his injured hand against the arm of the chair. He cried out at the pain. "That's the point!" His tear-filled voice lowered to a whisper. "I didn't do anything. I never helped them, but I didn't stop them either. I just let it happen."

  Solan slipped from the chair, sobbing. I felt Gabrielle's hand pull away from mine and watched as she disappeared from the room. I wanted, needed to run after her, to assure myself that she was all right. After all the compassion and friendship she'd shown Solan, to be dealt this blow must be too much for her. I looked toward the door she'd just exited, then down to the heap on the floor that was my son. For the first time in my life, I did what Gabrielle would have done.

  "Solan," my strained voice said as I knelt beside him on the floor.

  He was sobbing like a five-year-old child, and so I did what one is supposed to do in such cases. I put my arm around him and held him, completely unsure of what to say. What does one say to someone who confesses his guilt, especially when that person is well and truly guilty? I was warring with my own conflicting emotions at the moment. Should I be comforting the man who just admitted to this crime?

  It felt awkward, at first, me holding on to my grown son as he cried tears for more than this one past incident. I don't know how I knew, but somehow I felt as if Solan was releasing a lot of the past, not merely this one occurrence. He was a grown man, yet his body felt so small and frail against mine.

  Here we were, a mother who was more warrior than anything else, comforting her child who was no longer a child. It may have seemed odd, but then again, wasn't this what every child thought of their mother. When a youngster fell and skinned his knees, didn't he run to his mother? Didn't he run to her for more than comfort, but for protection also? Deep inside, didn't all children believe their mothers were warriors?

  I sat there and stroked his hair, thinking of nothing to say that could make any of us feel better. I could do no more than hold him against me and offer consolation as he purged himself of his past hurts and memories. I was simply amazed that he turned to me for this reassurance. Me, the Conqueror who was more warrior than mother, and Solan, the son who was more boy than man.

  CHAPTER 13

  I DARE NO MORE ACKNOWLEDGE MY OWN NAME

  I FOUND HER AT the lake, not too far from the castle. During the warm summer days, it had been a favorite place of hers, to lie about and write in her scrolls. It was the first place I looked.

  She never turned around when I walked up behind her. She was seated facing the water, her knees drawn up under her chin, and her skirt tucked around her. The wind blew her hair about, shrouding her face in a cloak that prevented me from seeing her features. I heard her sniffle, though, and I knew she must have been crying. The pain of that notion sliced into my heart like a dagger.

  "Gabrielle?" I touched her shoulder.

  She didn't pull away from me, but she turned her head aside.

  "Are you angry that I stayed to comfort Solan?" I asked.

  "He's your son," she answered flatly.

  "And you are my wife," I retorted.

  "Not yet." She sniffed.

  "Perhaps not by a ceremony, but in my heart we are already wed. You know this, don't you?"

  "How could he?" she asked tearfully. "How could he have been there, and done nothing? What sort of a human can actually do that?"

  "I don't know, love, but I do know that it has affected him deeply. If it's any consolation at all, his very soul seems tortured over his actions."

  "I don't take solace in his pain, but how can I forgive him, Xena?" she whimpered.

  "Did I not just hear you say that forgiveness is not so much about absolution for another
, but for the peace it offers you inside yourself?" I answered. "Gabrielle, know that you have to do nothing that you don't want to. You are a free woman now, and no one can ever again force you to do anything you don't want to do."

  "But, he's your son!" She answered as if everything hinged on that little point. Perhaps, to her, it did.

  "Gabrielle," I reached out and drew her face toward me. I brushed the golden hair away, and cupped her cheek within one hand. "Solan is my son, and I have come to care for him, but hear me when I say this. If you were to ask, I would send him back to Kaleipus this very day. If it were your wish, there would never be contact between Solan and me again."

  She looked up at me, and I feared that I had said the wrong words anyway. Her tears began anew.

  "Why would you do that? He's your flesh and blood."

  "Yet you are my life," I answered. "You are the air that I breathe, the water that I drink. You are what gives meaning to my life, and the reason that I live. You are my sustenance. When all others left me at the wayside, dying of thirst, it was you who offered me a drink. If those reasons aren't simple enough, I would do this because I love you, little one."

  It was then that she fairly dove into my embrace, and I smiled.

  "Oh, Xena, I don't want you to lose your son."

  For once, I had spoken from the heart. I said the right words, and that pleased me greatly.

  * * *

  "Yes, I admit, I recognized the young man immediately." Yu Pan said as he slowly poured tea into a cup for each of us.

  Gabrielle and I sat with the healer in his room. We had agreed to go to Yu Pan first, believing he might know more of that night. We sipped at the steaming brew, and waited as the old man settled himself into a comfortable position on the floor.