Ruining Me

by Nicole Reed

  “I am so sorry Jay,” he quietly said and turns to walk away. I heard the front door open and close. My eyes go to Kane and he’s staring at me. My breaths were coming fast, and it feels like my heart will erupt from my chest at any moment.

  I open my mouth to tell him to leave when he says, “I’m not leaving, so get that out of your fucking head. You can either talk about what just happened or you can just let me hold you,” he sits back down on the couch and lowers his head to his hands.

  “Damn Jay, I walk up to your front door and it’s cracked opened. Then I hear you screaming so I run in and find a guy holding you down and you just faint. I totally lost my shit and almost beat that kid to death. He didn’t even fight me off. He was worried about you and begged me to make sure you were okay.” He looks up at me. “Now I’m not going to pretend I didn’t hear what he said or even what he might have meant.”

  I cut him off, “Just shut up. What? You’ve known me for literally three days. You don’t know me at all. Just get out of my house.”

  He shakes his head and I could tell that he wanted to argue. Finally he stands and looks at me, “What the fuck ever.” He then walks out of the living room and never looks back. I jump when the front door slams.

  My knees give out and I fall to the floor my head hung down. The pain radiates down my body from my heart. It’s physical. When would it ever stop? The thought flashes through my mind. I could make it stop. Upstairs in my bathroom closet sat a bottle of different pills. A collection of sorts, that I have been gathering for the last year. It would be a lethal combination if taken at the same time.

  My thoughts were interrupted when I heard the front door open and close again. I look up as my mother walks into the room. When she sees me on the floor, she rushes forward to grab me.

  “Jesus Jay, what happened? Are you okay? Dale,” she screamed for my father.

  I laid my head on her shoulder and sobbed. When was the last time that I had cried to my Mom? It had been years. Her hands grip me and she holds me tightly to her chest.

  “It’s okay honey. I’m here.” She kisses the top of my head. I hear feet pounding against the floor as my Dad runs into the room.

  “Paige what is going on?” He asked my Mom and kneels on the floor next to us. Laying his hand on top of my head he asks, “James are you okay?” I could hear the concern in his voice.

  Raising my head, I look at them knowing I had to tell them something. “I’m fine really. I just had a fight with JT.” They look at each other over my head. My dad was the first one to speak.

  “A fight with JT? I’m hoping you mean over the phone James and not that he was here this early in the morning.”

  “Dale, leave her alone,” she said to my Dad. “Jay, I didn’t know you and JT were back together?” She holds me away from her and looks at me.

  “It’s a long story Mom. Really, I’m okay.” Pulling away from her I wipe the tears off my face and we all stand up. “What are you guys doing home?”

  “We had some last minute issues with the business that we needed to come back and deal with,” my Mom replies. “Honey, do you want to talk about anything?” I could see the worry in her and my Dad’s eyes.

  “I’m fine really. It’s been a rough first week of school and I left early yesterday because I didn’t feel very well. I’m going to stay home today if it’s okay with you?”

  My Dad started to shake his head no, but my mother laid a hand on his arm and spoke. “That’s fine Jay. I’ll call school and let them know. Why don’t you go upstairs and lie down. I’ll come up and check on you in a minute.”

  I nod my head and start to walk away. At the door I turn around and see my parents whispering to each other. I know my parents love me and I have never doubted that. I just don’t think they know what to do with me anymore. Turning back to go upstairs I reach my room and fall into bed. Pulling the covers over my head I let myself sink into a restless sleep.

  “Jay, wake up sweetie.”

  My Mother’s voice wakes me. Her hand brushes through my hair as she sits on the side of the bed. Concern is etched on her face and pain fills her voice.

  “You know if you ever want to talk about anything I’m here to listen. Your Dad and I have been worried about you. I know we don’t talk like we used to.”

  Smiling at her I answer, “I know Mom and really I’m okay. JT and I are just trying to work out our problems. Things just got out of hand this morning. I am so sorry that you and Dad had to see me like that.”

  “No Jay, don’t feel that way. We want you to talk to us. You have shut me out the past couple of years and I don’t know how to talk to you anymore.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that. We did used to be a lot closer. My life has changed so much in the last two years. So much has been taken from me.

  “Thanks for just being here Mom. I love you.” I sit up in the bed.

  “Just know that we are always here for you.” She hugs my neck and stands up. “Do you want something to eat? Your Dad and I are driving to the office, but I could fix something before we leave.”

  “I’m good. I’ll grab something in a little bit.”

  “When I know our schedule I’ll let you know. See you sweetie.” She kisses the top of my head and walks out.

  My phone vibrates on the table beside my bed. I reach over and grab it to read my text message.

  Cal - R u okay???? Why are you not at school??? Did something hap w/JT? Looks like someone beat the shit out of him, but he won’t talk about it.

  Me – I’m just not feeling well. Please tell JT I’m okay. Make sure he’s okay for me.

  I shook my head reading the next text and decide to ignore him.

  Rhye - I can’t get you out up my f’head…. Shouldn’t have said that last night at the restaurant. Can we just talk? Did you hear your song the other night?

  It was sunny outside so I showered and shaved my legs thinking I might lay out by the pool for the day. I slip my ear buds in and turn on some music. My thoughts are running wild about what I am going to say to Kane. He probably doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore. I couldn’t blame him. After a while my phone vibrates against me.

  Kane – R U at school?

  Me – No….I stayed at home.

  Kane – K

  Me - ??????

  I wasn’t sure where he was going with this. I wanted to know if he still wants to see me again.

  Me – Did you want to come over and talk?

  Kane – Now you want to talk? No Jay, I don’t want to talk. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.

  Me – I am sorry about this morning….

  He never texted me back. I went inside later that afternoon to take a shower and then lay back down. Closing my eyes, I figure I can sleep my life away.

  When I wake again, it is dark outside. I walk downstairs and hear my parents talking in the kitchen. My Father’s voice keeps getting louder.

  “I’m worried about her Paige. She never has friends over anymore. Dan and Sandra have told us both that she still doesn’t speak to Molly. This has went on long enough. Now all of the sudden JT is back in the picture. I don’t think this is a good thing. Has she even applied to any colleges? She doesn’t talk to anyone anymore.”

  “Calm down Dale. When she is ready she will talk to us. You can’t push her.” I could tell that my Mom was trying to calm him down.

  “When she is ready? It’s been two years. We have let things go and gave her time to come to us. She hasn’t and her future is at stake.”

  “We need to give her just a little more time. She is coming around,” my mother told him.

  Not wanting to hear anymore I walk into the kitchen. They stop talking immediately and turn toward me.

  “You okay Jay?” My Mom asked.

  “I’m fine guys. What are we having for dinner?”

  My mother looks at my father and he turns toward me to answer, “Sorry sweetie, we both have flights out to pick up clients. Some last min
ute charters.” He looks at my Mom and then back at me. “Jay, we can cancel them if you need us here.” I don’t ever remember my Dad offering to cancel business for me.

  Walking over to him he opens his arms and I step into them. Hugging him hard I say, “Thanks Dad, but I’m good. Everything is fine. I just had a moment this morning. You know teen angst and all that.” I laugh and it sounded fake even to me, but I could tell they both bought it.

  My mother came over and hugged me toward her. “You know we are only a phone call away.”

  “I know Mom. I’m just going to order a pizza and call it a night. Love you guys.”

  I slip out of the kitchen before they could talk anymore to me. An hour later, they come into my room to tell me goodbye and kiss me before they leave. I still have not heard from Kane. I guess that was that. Grabbing a book that I started last week, I read until I fall asleep.

  My alarm clock wakes me early the next morning. Yawning, I realize that I’m not going to be able to get out of school today. Dressing in tan shorts and a gold blousy shirt I slide on a pair of new golden sandals and check myself out in the mirror. Yesterday’s tanning session was much needed. My skin glowed. I left my hair down and head down stairs.

  I decided to forgo the coffee this morning since I didn’t set the timer. Grabbing my keys and book bag, I head out to school. I walk out the front door hoping to see Kane waiting for me, but I should have known that he is done with the whole situation. I can’t blame him when I even get tired of my drama.

  Cal was waiting for me next to my parking space when I pull in. He is going to want answers and I don’t have any for him.

  “Whatever you’re going to say, can you please just save it? Please?” I plead with him. Cal shakes his head.

  “We have to talk about our boy eventually Jay. You know that right?” I nod at him. He turns around and walks toward the school building. Taking a deep breath I follow him to homeroom. Cal sits on one side of the room where there were no more seats so I sat on the other.

  I caught Cal looking at me, but then he looked down at his desk. He didn’t look at me again during class, but he was the only one. Everyone else kept glancing and whispering all through the morning. I could have asked Cal what they were saying, but I really didn’t care to know. I could only pray that JT kept his opinions to himself.

  Hiding out in my car during lunch, I don’t see JT. During my Art class, I was working on my painting when a shadow fell over my portrait. I look up to see Reed standing there.

  “You okay, Jay?”

  I immediately glance to where Molly was sitting and she was staring back at us. Looking up to Reed I say, “I’m fine Reed.” My answer came out a little short and he winced. For the first time in years I didn’t want to be this way toward him. He started to turn away and I grabbed his hand and he looked back at me. “Thanks for asking,” I replied and smile at him. I let his hand go and he turns to walk away.

  My last period was the one I worried about the most because of JT. However once I arrived in the gym, I heard that he and most of the other football players were out on the football field. They were practicing for the first game which was next Friday. At least I wouldn’t have to deal with him.

  After the final bell rang, I walk out to my car and groan when I see the white piece of paper stuck under my windshield. Part of me doesn’t want to read it, but then there is that sick sadistic part that needs to see what he’ll type next. I grab the note and open it.

  I missed you yesterday. I dreamed about you. Do you have sweet dreams about me?

  My breath caught in my lungs. I look around to see if anyone was watching me. Was he watching me? There were so many students going out to their cars and just hanging in the parking lot. I toss it to the ground like and get into my car. As I was trying to calm down, my car door was jerked open and Rhye stands there staring down at me.

  “Can we talk?”

  I grit my teeth and reply, “We have nothing to talk about. I’m done with you Rhye.” I push him away and try to close the door, but he tugs the door back open.

  “Damn Jay, just try to listen to me for a couple of seconds. I really shouldn’t have said that the other night, but when I saw you with that guy, I just went a little crazy,” he said

  “Leave me alone Rhye,” I yell and am finally able to push him away. Pushing the lock button, I start my car up and drive away.

  Going straight home I finally check my phone when I get there. My heart hurts when I see there are still no calls or messages from Kane. It’s hard to believe that I only met him a week ago. Can you miss someone that you don’t really know? I went up to my room and fall across my bed. When I close my eyes I can see him clearly in my mind. I imagine feeling his hard chest underneath my fingers. No guy that I had been with had a body like his, but it wasn’t just his body I was thinking about. I want to get to know him better. Hell, I just want to hear his voice. Listening to him talk the other night gave me chill bumps. He probably never wants to see me again and I couldn’t blame him.

  The last two years, I have fought for control of my life. I used sex to control one aspect of it and never opened my heart to another relationship. I said who and when, then I could walk away with my secrets kept to myself, but I also walked away alone. So what am I doing with Kane? He doesn’t want a relationship or does he? Did I? Now I’m not sure anymore. I’ve kept my secrets this long. Could I keep them forever and live with them?

  “Damn,” I yell into the empty room. Screw this, I thought as I roll off the bed and walk into my bathroom to shower. After getting cleaned, I decide I was going out. This was my life and I decided last year to live it up while I’m here. I curl my hair and put on a little make up. I went into my closet and grab my favorite little black dress and a killer pair of black sling backs. Spraying my body down with my coconut body spray, I smile at the reflection in my mirror. It’s funny because I’m starting to see the girl I once was and I thought she was long gone. Glancing once more I turn and run down the stairs and out to my car.

  Driving downtown it didn’t take long for me to get to O’Malley’s and park. It was Friday night and I wasn’t sure if Kane was working tonight or not. Either way I was going in. I flash my ID to the bouncer outside and he smiles and lets me through. The bar was always crazy after nine at night no matter what day of the week it was, but with it being the start to the weekend it was packed mostly with the college crowd. I made my way to the bar and was glad to see that it was Jill working tonight. She smiled at me as I sat down on a stool.

  “What up Girlie? Are you meeting up with Kane tonight?”

  I cut my eyes at her and say, “No, I guess you can say it didn’t work out. Jill, please do me a favor and not mention it. I’ve had a shit week. I’m just here to have a good time tonight.”

  Jill stares at me for a second and nods. “You want the usual?”

  I nod back to her. She pours my Jack and Coke and sets it down in front of me. Turning away from the bar I notice Kip is playing pool with some of his buddies. There were a couple of people already on the dance floor. When I turn back I notice a guy at the end of the bar staring at me. He has shaggy dark blond hair and dressed in a dark suit. He dips his chin at me, noting that I am looking at him. Turning back to the bar I saw that Jill was watching me.

  “I don’t know about that one. He just showed up tonight. Part of the work crowd, not the college.” She glanced at the guy at the end of the bar. Following her eyes I saw that he was still staring at us. I smile back at him and he stands and walks toward me.

  “Kyle Larson,” he says as he grabs my hand.

  “Jay,” I reply back. He kisses the top of my hand and his eyes never leave mine.

  “Would you like to dance Jay?”

  I stand and say, “Sure.”

  He leads me to the dance floor and a slow song starts to play. He pulls me close to him and we move together. His hands at first rub my back, but soon enough start to move elsewhere. I close my eyes and try to
let the music just take me, but for the first time in years I knew that it mattered who I was dancing with and I couldn’t relax. The music moves to something faster and we continue dancing. I turn in his arms with my back facing his front. His hands grip both sides of my hips and touch the flesh below my dress.

  I choose that moment to look up and across the room and Kane is staring back at me. He must have just walked into the bar. My heart races as I notice how good he looks wearing dark jeans and a red polo shirt. At his side was a guy that looked like an older version of him, but with a completely shaved head. The guy at his side pointed toward the bar and it broke his intense gaze from me and they head that way.

  Turning my body toward Kyle I continue to move to the music against him. Sweat pours down both of us. Kyle whispers in my ear, “Let’s get something to drink.” I nod my head yes and we both head toward the bar with him holding my hand. I guide us to the opposite end of the bar as Kane. Jill was talking to him, but stopped when she saw me and then headed our way.