Ruining Me

by Nicole Reed

  Shrugging my shoulders I take a drink of my soda. JT looks at me and then looks at Reed. They share some unspoken conversation. Something is up with them. JT turns back to me and grabs my hand.

  “Molly and Reed said that you all were going out tonight. I wish I could come, but you know that we have mandatory curfews during football season and my parents are riding my butt.” His cheeks redden a little as he continues. “I’m already in trouble with my parents because of going downtown to see Rhye last night. Thank goodness they aren’t going to say anything to Coach.”

  I look at Molly and she is glancing between both of us. “We could just go get dinner or something if you want us to wait until after football practice? Molly asks as she looks at me for an answer.

  “I’m cool with that JT, if you want us to wait.”

  “We’ve been having late practices. I want you to go and have a good time. I’m not the only one who has waited forever to spend some time with you.”

  That’s why you have to love JT. I know that he would love to spend time with me, but he is thinking about Molly and Reed and not just himself. I can’t help myself when I lean over and kiss his cheek.

  “We’ll plan something for the weekend if it’s okay with you?” He nods his head.

  We continue to talk for the remaining lunch period. Molly, Reed and I make plans to go dancing tonight and Molly and I discuss what to wear. JT and Reed talk about the upcoming football game. The whole entire time though I was aware of JT. He constantly rubbed my arms or hands and would just stop and smile at me during his conversation. It is clear that we both deserve this chance.

  Holding my hand he walks me to my Art class. When we get to the room he stops before we get to the door. He leans against the wall and pulls me toward him and whispers into my ear.

  “Jay, I have been so lost without you. Don’t make me go back to how things were. I don’t think I could handle it.”

  Closing my eyes as I hear him say this, I nod to him. I knew it. Everyone has told me this, but to hear him say it just kills me. I blink back the tears and lean my head on his shoulder. Inhaling his scent, I let all of our memories swamp me.

  “Did you talk to him last night? I don’t know if I can handle seeing you with him. How does he feel?”

  A lump develops in my throat, but I talk through it. “He told me to pick. You or him.”

  JT nods his head like he agrees. “What did you tell him Jay?”

  I can’t tell him that I chose Kane. In this moment, standing here being with JT, I can’t remember why I chose Kane. It just feels so right being here with JT. Being in his arms is everything I’ve missed.

  “I’ll talk to him JT.” He lets me leave it at that. Placing his hand underneath my chin he tips my face up to his.

  “This is where we were always supposed to be. When you’re not with me, I want you to try and remember this feeling.” He kisses my lips. “I will not have gym with you this week, but I’ll come see you when school lets out if I can.” I nod and turn to walk into the class room.

  Molly and Reed are already sitting down and she smiles and waves at me. We are on opposite sides of the Art room so we all work on our projects during class. I debate if I should text Kane that we need to talk again, because I have to let him go. My heart and head know this now.

  “Jay, can I have a word with you after class please?” Miss Kell's voice pulls me from my thoughts.

  “Yes Ma’am,” I answer her. I have no clue what she wants. Finally after what feels like forever, the bell rings for the end of class and I reach down for my book bag. Molly tells me she’ll meet me in the parking lot and everyone else clears the room. Walking towards Miss Kell's desk I notice that she looks upset.

  “You wanted to see me?”

  “Yes. Thanks for staying Jay. Listen there’s something that I have wanted to speak with you about for quite some time. I don’t’ know how to say this, so I’m just going to ask you. Is Coach Branch bothering you?”

  I knew immediately she could read the panic in my eyes. She stood up and walked around the desk to me. Placing her hands on both of my arms.

  “Listen closely to me. I can help you, but you have to let me. Do you want me to help you Jay?”

  I shake my head no. Not wanting or needing her help. Why can’t everyone leave me alone? I am just now getting my life back again including my friends and boyfriend. What else do they want from me?

  “Listen to me Jay. I see the way he looks at you and I see the way you react to him. Everyone thinks he walks on water, but I know differently. Did something happen? Please let me help you.”

  I can’t stifle the sob that rises from me. Miss Kell hugs me as I cry on her shoulder. After a few minutes, I calm myself. Glancing up at her I see that she also has tears in her eyes.

  “I need to go.” I pull myself out of her arms. She lets me go and just looks at me.

  “Jay, you need to talk to someone. You need to tell. If I could do it for you I would, but the smug bastard thinks he’s untouchable because of his position within the athletic department.” I shake my head and turn away from her.

  Walking out the door I don’t look back. I run straight to my car only stopping when I see the motorcycle in front of it. Kane is standing next to it and JT is standing next to my car. They’re talking to each other, but I can tell it’s pretty volatile. Neither one has seen me and I can’t handle this shit right now.

  “You need a ride?” I turn and Rhye is getting into his car.

  Without thinking I get into his passenger side and Rhye pulls out of the parking lot. The guys never notice.

  “Where to Jay? I can take you anywhere you want to go,” he says to me. I turn to Rhye and stare at him.

  “Wherever you’re going Rhye. I just don’t want to go home right now.” He drives to his friend Chris’s apartment. We used to hang out here when I was seeing him. My phone vibrates and I look at my text.

  Kane – Are you still at school? I’m at your car. We need to talk.

  JT – Jay…where are you?

  I think about ignoring them, but I can’t afford for them to tear down the school looking for me. Plus I can’t have JT missing anymore football so I text them both back the same message.

  Me – Need some time away. I’m good…with a friend. Don’t worry. Will text you later.

  I turn my phone off and slip it back in my book bag. Rhye and I go upstairs and we can hear the music blaring from the outside. Chris lets us in and Rhye leads me to the living room and sits down on the couch.

  “You want a smoke?” I hear Chris ask Rhye and he nods his head. He lights one up and inhales deeply. The he offers it to me. Looking at his hand I nod my head and take a deep drag to hold it in. After a minute I let out the smoke and pass it back to Rhye.

  We sit there not talking to one another, passing it back and forth until it burns down. Finally my mind goes numb and my body feels loose. I can feel Rhye’s gaze on me and I turn toward him.

  “How did you know?” He knew what I was asking. I didn’t have to explain myself.

  “Jay, you were “Miss It” from the time we all were in elementary school and I mean that in a good way. You weren’t only pretty, but sweet to everyone too. The girls wanted to be you and well the boys wanted to be in you.” I playfully hit his arm at his raunchy joke. He laughs and continues, “Sorry, but it’s true. Then our sophomore year, the girl who was always smiling, well she just quit. One day she’s at school and the next she is out sick for a month, but when she comes back, that girl is gone. This new girl is hurting. It was so obvious, but I think those close to you couldn’t see it. They were hurt and mad that you pushed them away so easily.” He turned all the way toward me and leaned in.

  “Then when you started showing up at our practices I knew you were looking for an escape. I could offer that to you with the alcohol and drugs. Then we started sleeping together and I was just so damn proud that you chose me, but I learned fast enough that you didn’t choose me. You were
n’t with me for me, you were with me for the escape.” Pain filled his voice. I leaned over and laid my head on his shoulder.

  “I would ask you questions about your future and you wouldn’t answer and when you did it was to put me off. You started to ask questions about which pills were dangerous to take with what and then I noticed when you bought those same combinations.” He paused and took a deep breath and said, “You used to talk in your sleep after you would pass out. Nothing specific, but I got the gist of what happened to you. Then that night we were together, I was going to tell you that I was in love with you, but you called out JT’s name.”

  He ran his hand down my hair. “I’ve always known and prayed that you wouldn’t do it. I tried to watch for signs, but I didn’t know what to do. So I’ve spent the last year higher than normal because I didn’t know how I was going to handle it when I got the call that you overdosed.”

  “I’m sorry I hit you for speaking the truth,” I said. “It sounded so ugly being spoken out loud. My plan was to cut myself off from everyone so that it wouldn’t hurt as much. Rhye, I knew that I could hang out with you to get access to the drugs, but falling for you was not in my plan. You were really the first person that I had a choice to sleep with. It did start out that I could control that I gave my body to you, but then I started to develop feelings also. I don’t recall saying JT’s name when I was with you, but I probably did at that time because I was messed up. I’m sorry for that, but it hurt me when you slept with that groupie too.”

  I sat up straight and turned toward him. “Rhye you kind-of saved me. At first I planned on taking those pills as soon as I got them, but then you happened. All I knew is that I would choose the time and place, but I chose not to at that time because of you. I wanted to be with you. You helped me forget what happened and taught me how to enjoy sex. You showed me how to turn pain into pleasure. You did Rhye, not JT.” I felt like I owed that to him, because it was the truth.

  My buzz was coming down. “I’ll always love you for that, but right now that’s not enough for us. Trust me, you don’t want into this three ring circus I’ve got going on. I am not over JT and well you met Kane the other night. It’s unfair of me to ask you to be my friend, but I could really use one right now.”

  “Jay, I’m here for you. Whatever you need.” He leans his forehead against mine and looks into my eyes.

  I smile at him. “Thanks Rhye.” I yawn and can barely hold my eyes open. “I’m going to just take a nap, okay?”

  “Lay down Jay. I’ll watch over you.” I laid my head in his lap, closed my eyes, and fell asleep.

  Chapter 9

  My head was pounding like a steel drum was beating from the inside out and my eye lids feel heavy when I try to open them. I grimace because my body is so stiff. When I finally open my eyes and move, I realize that I’m not in my room. Everything rushes back to me and I remember going to sleep on Rhye’s lap in the apartment, but I’m not there now. However, I know exactly where I am at.

  JT’s room hasn’t changed much these last two years. I’m in his bed, but I’m alone. I slowly rise from the bed and realize I only have on one of his t-shirts. My clothes from yesterday are laid over his desk and I grab my jeans and pull them on.

  Opening the door from his bedroom, I follow the sound of voices to his parent’s kitchen. Their voices are muffled and I can’t hear what they are saying. The smell of bacon is strong and my stomach growls. Walking through the door they all stop and stare at me. JT and his mother are standing at the stove while she is cooking and Kip is sitting at the table.

  I smile at all of them. “Good Morning.” I’ve always liked his mother, but I wasn’t sure how she felt about me because of these last two years. She smiles back and walks over to hug me.

  “Hey Jay honey. How are you feeling this morning?” Her eyes are kind and she looks over me. “I called your Mom and Dad last night to let them know that you were here. Your Mom wanted you to call her once you got up.”

  “Thanks Mrs. Higgins. I’ll call her in a second.” Does she know that I was passed out high as a kite last night? I need to talk with JT and find out how I got here. “Uh JT, can I talk to you a second?” Looking at him, I realize that he looks mad.

  He nods his head and walks to the back door and opens it for me. As I pass by Kip, he whispers to me, “He’s pissed. Good luck.” Just great, I think to myself as I follow him into his backyard.

  JT walks over and throws himself on a lounge chair and glares at me. I decide to just stand in front of him. He raises his eyebrow at me and folds his arms over his chest. He starts to speak and stops to shake his head. I wait for him to say something.

  “Do you remember me coming to get you?” I shake my head no. “Do you remember my Mom helping you to bed?” I shake my head no again and my cheeks blush. “Damn Jay.”

  “How did you know where I was?” My voice was hoarse.

  “Your boy Rhye called me to come get you. He told me that you saw me and Kane at your car and panicked. He’s always in the right place at the right time isn’t he? Rhye to the fucking rescue.” His voice is bitter.

  “Rhye called you to come get me?” I’m confused.

  “Yeah he called me from your phone and told me where you were. He said that you needed me, but he left out that you were passed out cold. Lover boy said you kept calling my name in your sleep. Do you need me Jay? Because that’s not what Kane told me yesterday. He told me that you had chosen him. That you were his.”

  “What happened after school?” I had to ask.

  He laughed. “I went out to wait for you at your car and he was already there. He said that he wanted to talk to me. Pretty much he told me what I already know. You’ve had a rough couple of years and that neither one of us needs to push you right now. He went on to say that I needed to give you space and that you had chosen to be with him. We talked a little and then both of us got your text.” He looked at me and his blue eyes bore into mine as he stands up.

  “I want you Jay, but I want you happy first. Damn it, if that’s him then, I’ll back off.” His voice breaks and he swallows hard. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close and whispers against me. “As long as I know you’re in this world, I can do that. If you weren’t here Jay,” he stops talking and just holds me tight.

  I rub his back as his body shakes against mine. For once my mind is clear and I now know what I want. No second guessing this time. Someone is going to be hurt, but this life is too short and I’ve wasted too much of it. I pull back from JT and look into his eyes, needing to be completely honest with him.

  “JT, I am so sorry and I’ve made a horrible mistake.” He tries to pull away from me and I hold tight. “Listen to me for just two seconds. I did tell Kane that I would be his, but it was because he wouldn’t give me time to let me decide what I want. After I talked with you the other day I went back to him and asked him for time to figure things out with you, but he gave me an ultimatum and I panicked. The next morning when I saw you I knew that I had made a mistake. I’ve been so confused. At one time you were everything I ever wanted and I saw my future whenever I looked at you. The past two years I haven’t allowed myself any real connections and then Kane comes along. I do care about him. Deeply, but JT it’s nothing compared to how I feel about you.”

  I take a deep breath and softly kiss his lips. Tears roll down both of our cheeks. “If you will have me, I will promise to live for you. To give up the past, and only be with you forever. I love you JT. Please forgive me,” my voice cries and he crushes me to him.

  “This is it Jay, because I’m not ever letting you go. Do you understand me? There will not be another minute of my life without you in it. God I love you baby. I love you so much.” He kisses my lips over and over whispering his feelings to me. I could have stood there forever, but a voice clears itself from the door. We both turn and Mrs. Higgins is standing there with tears in her eyes.

  I didn’t know what she would say or do, but she surprised us both. She
walks over and envelopes us in her arms. She should hate me, I would have hated a girl that put my son through what I have JT. At that moment she spoke and it’s almost like she could hear my thoughts.

  “I just want both of my children to be happy Jay and you make him very happy. He’s been miserable without you. Just love each other and everything else will fall in place.” She clears her voice and continues, “But now you two are going to be late for school. JT go ahead and get dressed. You’ll need to take Jay to her house for some clothes.” He smiles at me and turns to go in.

  “Thank you,” I smile and tell her.

  “No thank you. I don’t know what happened with both of you, but I’m no dummy. Just love him Jay. You’re the one for him.”

  “I know now it’s only him for me too.” We hug once more and walk back inside. Running upstairs I grab my bag and we leave for my house.