Ruining Me

by Nicole Reed

  At half-time I finally have a chance to talk to Molly, but I feel almost dumb to mention anything. Everyone seems to be enjoying the game and no one is looking at me now. I decide not to bring anything up and ruin the night. The second half starts and before I know it the game is over with us winning by twenty-four points. The crowd disperses with everyone taking their revelry elsewhere. I hug Molly and Reed as they go ahead and leave to go to Cal’s house to get everything ready for the party.

  Walking toward the locker room to meet up with JT, I can’t help but think about the past two years. All the control I thought I had built was a mirage just waiting to break away. JT, Kane and even Rhye made me feel again, but only one deserves my future. When I look up he is leaning against the door waiting for me.

  “Are you thinking about how many ways I’m going to kiss you tonight?” He asked with a smirk on his face.

  “Yes, I do believe that was exactly what I was thinking about,” I say as I throw myself into his arms and do just that.

  He pulls back and looks at me. “I love you Jay.”

  “I love you too.” There’s a nervous energy surrounding us. I know he can feel it also.

  “Let’s go party it up.” Grabbing my hand he pulls me to his truck and opens the door.

  “Slide to the middle and buckle up Jay.” Lifting my eyebrow in question he answers me. “Cal had to loan his truck out so that they could pick up the kegs. He is getting a ride with us to his house.” As soon as he finished talking, the passenger door slings open and Cal flings his humongous self in.

  Kissing my cheek he smiles at me and says, “Hey Jay Baby.”

  “Hands off my girl Cal,” JT says as he glares at him, but I knew he was kidding.

  “She’ll always be my girl too, just in a different way.” Cal grins at me as I lean over and hug him. He really has been there for me when I didn’t deserve anyone.

  “Hey,” JT says and pulls me to him, “quit giving my hugs away.” I laugh and kiss his cheek.

  We chat about who is coming tonight and what girl Cal is going to be chasing. When we arrive at his house it seems like all of our phones vibrate and chirp at the same time. Laughing we all get out of the truck, joking that our friends must be texting us wanting to know where we are at.

  “I bet everyone is waiting for us,” JT says but ignores his phone as do I.

  “I’ll catch you both later. I’ve got to make sure that everything is set up,” Cal says as he grabs his phone and looks at it as he walks off toward his house

  Looking over at JT, I slowly remove the jacket that was covering my dress and throw it back inside the truck. His eyes move up my body and he takes a deep breath. He lets out a slow whistle. “Damn Jay. You’re all my Christmas and Birthday presents combined.” I let out a soft laugh.

  “And I don’t deserve you.” I tell him as we kiss. He reaches for my hand and we walk toward Cal’s house.

  Walking through the front door, I immediately see Molly crying, but that’s not all. A hush falls over the house and everyone is staring at me and JT. Most people can’t even look me in the eyes and then again, I see more hostile stares. These seem to come from mostly the football and baseball players and of course, Stacie Courtman.

  JT looks around and asks, “Last I checked we won, why are you bunch of pansies looking upset?”

  At that same moment, Cal comes running from the back of the house with his phone in his hand. His face was red and tears filled his eyes. He grabs me away from JT and engulfs me in his arms.

  “My God Jay,” he whispers and the tears roll down his big cheeks. His big body shakes as he is wrapped them around me. “I am so sorry.”

  My first thought is that my parents have died in a plane crash, but before I can ask, JT grabs me from Cal. Losing my balance I fall into his arms.

  “What the fuck Cal?” Panic and worry fill his eyes now.

  Some drunken baseball player sneers at me and says, “Whore.”

  Whipping around in a rage, JT and Cal lunge for him at the same time. JT gets to him first and hits him square in the face.

  “What is your problem Scott?” JT yells at him.

  “Your girl here probably just ruined several of our chances at a full-ride scholarship,” Scott said looking right at me, “I don’t believe it happened, even if I watched it. He wouldn’t have done that.”

  “She’s a druggie whore anyway.” Some unknown female voice whispered. There were over seventy of us standing in the room.

  JT whipped around and tried to find who said it. All the sudden everything comes to me. Turning around, I grab the phone out of Cal’s hand and look through his text messages. Sure enough, it seems he has got a video message forwarded from at least fifty people in the last hour.

  Pressing play, the grainy image of Coach Branch and me in the science lab fills the tiny screen. Someone must have been hiding to the side of one of the doorways, filming from their phone. The volume is at blast when I hear his voice.

  You Jay. You might have shared yourself all over town the last two years, but at least you weren’t giving it to him. I’ve never liked that little shit. Actually, you being a little loose has really helped me out Jay. I mean who would ever believe a drug addict whore over this school’s star coach, loving husband and father? No one Jay. No one would ever believe you.

  I’ve never told anyone. I never plan to.

  Oh, I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about how I’m going to take that little body again and again. I’ve been missing you Jay. You throw my notes away and ignore me. That hurts me and it makes me angry. I’m already going to have to punish you for your sins.

  Punish me?

  Yes Jay. Maybe you think I’m stupid, but I assure you I’ve been one step ahead of you this whole time. I guessed right away why you weren’t in school that month after we were together. Did you kill my baby Jay? You did, didn’t you? Why you little murderer. What would your perfect boyfriend JT think about that?

  Let me go. I’ll tell everyone. If you don’t let me go, I promise that I will.

  Go ahead. I really don’t think anyone would believe you. I’ll just tell them how you threw yourself at me for years. I’ve already mentioned to my wife how you constantly flirt with me. She will share that with anyone I tell her to. Really Jay, you should have told when it happened. You didn’t tell though did you? Maybe you liked it.

  You Bastard, what do you think I liked? That you raped me in a gym closet and then got me pregnant so that I had to have an abortion. That you ruined me for my boyfriend and my friends? You took it all away from me and then you continue to harass me for years. What the fuck do you think I liked about any of that? I swear to all that’s holy that if you come near me again I will tell everyone. I don’t care if anyone believes me. I will not stop talking about it until your own kids grow up. Do not come near me.

  When the video ends, JT grabs it from my hands and hurls it toward the wall, shattering the phone. He bends over grabbing his stomach, groaning as if he was in pain. My body is in shock. Everyone is looking at us. His sobbing brings me out of myself. Bending over I wrap my arms around him.

  “That bastard, I thought he cared about me. About all of us,” he says catching his breath. “How Jay? You were so sweet and innocent. How could he take that from me? How could he do that to you?”

  I look up and Molly and Reed are standing there. The both have been crying. Molly leans over and hugs me from behind. My body stiffens and she pulls away, staring at me with pity in her eyes.

  “It’s okay Jay. Everyone knows what he has done now and he’ll pay for it,” she whispers to me.

  “I never wanted anyone to know,” I whisper back.

  At my words, JT jumps up and I fall to the ground. He looks right at Cal.

  “Let’s go. I’m going to beat the shit out of him.” I grab him from behind.

  “No JT, you’ll make things worse. Just let it go. Please for me JT. Stay with me.”

  He finally turns aroun
d and looks at me, “I’ll be back for you Jay.” He pushes me toward Molly and says to her, “Watch her.”

  Him and Cal run out the door with me screaming, “Stop.” I turn to Reed and plead. “Please Reed, stop them. They’ll get arrested and what then? Please let’s just go after them.”

  Suddenly, all hell breaks loose and everyone starts running outside to their cars. They were all going to follow JT and Cal to Coach Branch’s house to catch ring side seats. I pull away from Molly and run outside to try and find my own ride. Reed grabs me from behind and pushes me toward his car with Molly.

  “Get in,” he tells us. I jump in the backseat and he whips the car around out of Cal’s driveway. Coach Branch lives about fifteen minutes on the other side of town. To get to his house you have to pass through a busy four-way stop. When we reach that intersection, we first notice all the empty cars and trucks with their doors wide open. I hear Reed first.

  “God no,” he said and jumps out of the car and starts to run with Molly running after him.

  I sat in the back seat and stared through the windshield. Looking past the empty vehicles, I could see the tangled heap of metal on the side of the road. At one time, it looks as if part of it was a dump truck and the other half used to be a shiny red truck. Slowly, almost as if my body was possessed, I get out of the car and walk toward the wreckage.

  The sirens blare in the distance coming towards us. Everyone from the party was standing or sitting down crying. Molly runs up to me and tries to grab my hands to stop me, but I push her away. Someone else grabs me around the waist and I kick and fight for them to leave me alone. Finally, I escape, running from them to the twisted metal. The closer I get, I can smell the strong scent of gasoline that rises from the pavement.

  I hear someone from the woods yell that they have found Cal. Looking deeply into the wreck, I can see the driver of the dump truck hanging upside down behind the wheel. He is not moving and something dark pours from his neck. I can’t stop myself from trying to look where JT should be in the red twisted metal. My heart flutters when I see he is not there.

  Jumping up with hope, I look around the wreck to see if he is standing with anyone. By now the Emergency Response Team has arrived and they are trying to move everyone away. I hear Molly yelling for me, but I run to the woods where I can hear people crying for help. I throw my shoes off and race faster towards the voices.

  “JT,” I scream for him.

  I stop at the small clearing where everyone is standing, crying as they look away from something on the ground. Reed looks up at me and tears stream down his face. He rushes forward and grabs me, trying to turn me away.

  “Look away Jay. You don’t want to see this.”

  Fighting to get away from him, I glance back and see what he is talking about. JT lies on the ground. His neck seems to be at an odd angle and his lifeless eyes stare back at me. The pain hits my chest like a freight train and my body goes limp in Reed’s arms.

  “NO!” I scream over and over. “Please God, not him. It should have been me. It was supposed to be me.”

  The paramedics come over and try to move us all away from him. Reed is cradling me in his arms as I continue to sob. Looking back, I see another body on the ground. More paramedics are performing CPR on him. Reed pulls me closer and walks away.

  “Are they dead?” I hear Molly’s voice but I feel a million miles away. Reed’s body shudders.

  “JT’s gone. I think they’re still trying to save Cal,” he sobs to her.

  Hearing him say it, I feel a calm come over me. I know what happens now. This part I had planned all along. My voice is much clearer when I speak.

  “Put me down Reed. I think I might be sick.” I knew that was a sure way that he would let me go. Once I’m down he pulls Molly into his arms and I take my chance. I slip away and then run toward his car. My name is being called behind me, but I continue faster. Getting there first, I slip into the car and place it in reverse screeching backwards and away.

  I drive straight to my house praying my parents are not home yet. For once things go my way and I run in the house and lock the doors behind me. Rushing upstairs, I pull the bottle from my hiding place and start to run water in my bath. If the pills don’t kill me then maybe I’ll drown.

  Setting down into the water, I turn the pill bottle up directly to my mouth and try to swallow as many pills as possible. Some fall into the water, but I continue turning it up until they’re all gone and settle back against the tub. The water runs from the faucet, filling it by the minute and times passes for me.

  My heart thunders loudly in my head as it slows with every beat. I drowsily watch as the clear water crest over the rim of the white porcelain tub and flows over the side. Different colored pills float in the warm water. The red dress I have on seems to ripple beneath the water becoming one with the flow. I no longer feel the heaviness of my legs weighed down by the water. My head leans back against the rim and slowly I shut my eyes closed, letting the peace envelop me.

  I have lived with this soul burning pain for too long. Let it eat me from the inside out, making me sick from all the lies and deception. It was my hideous shame and ultimately my sin. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of hurting, but all this was not the reason for this moment as it should have been.

  With my eyes closed, I can picture his face with those shiny blue eyes that will always haunt me. His smile as he kissed me, flashes through my mind. For a moment, I had felt whole again, but it’s all over. It’s too late. He is gone from my life. My sins were supposed to kill me and not him. Too many people are hurt and now everyone knows my secrets.

  I think I feel his kisses on my cheek, but that could be the tears. My heart knows the truth that he is dead and with that thought, I let the darkness overtake me.

  Chapter 11

  Lying awake with my eyes closed in the hospital the next day, my mind still refuses to process the last twenty four hours completely. Someone is speaking with my parents in a hushed voice that I never thought I would ever hear again. He is arguing with them saying that he refuses to leave and that he will not leave me alone again. His voice breaks as he explains that he can help me.

  Molly is crying in the background and she is telling my mother that she agrees with Kane. She says that I love him and that he might help. A nurse comes in and says that she needs to speak with my parents outside. As they leave, I can hear Molly whispering to Kane.

  Evidently my parents were right behind me getting home last night. Molly and Reed had called the police when I had taken his car. Between them and my parents, my attempt only landed me here in the psyche ward of the hospital after they brought me in and pumped my stomach. She says to him that once I gained consciousness, I fought everyone in the emergency room, swearing to finish the job if they didn’t let me die.

  Molly asked him how he heard what happened and Kane tells her that Jill got a call from Kip and she called him immediately. Molly wanted to know if he knew about the video and he told her yes. Molly then says something about Coach Branch being arrested last night. Her phone rings right then and I hear her excuse herself.

  I lay still as death. The screeching of a chair being pulled next to me rings in my head and I winced at the sudden pain. He leans down with his mouth against my ear and whispers, “You can’t wake a girl that pretends to sleep.”

  My eyes open directly to his. I try to speak, but my throat feels like someone has set fire to it.

  “That’s what happens when they have to put a tube down your throat to empty your stomach.” His hoarse voice says as he grabs a glass of water on the table.

  Leaning it towards me, he holds the straw to my mouth. I can only swallow a little bit. Clearing my throat, I try to talk again.

  “Leave, I’m not going to be here long.” Looking at me, he knows what I mean.

  “You’re not going to be in the hospital long or you’re not going to be on this earth long?” I glare at him and shake my head.

  Kane placed m
y glass of water on the table. Leaning back down over my hospital bed, he grips the rails on either side and lowers his face close to mine.

  “You listen to me, I’m not leaving you. Not for a second. Do you really think I will let myself lose another friend?”

  “I’m not your friend,” I whisper.

  “Your right Jay, you’re not my friend. You are so much more to me and these past couple of days didn’t change that. So we’ll get through this together or we will not get through it at all.”