“Aww, you need some lovin’, don’t you baby?”
“Yeah.”
“Come on over. Door’s always open for you.”
“Be there in five,” I breathed, turning onto his street. Peter Mansfield was exactly what I needed. No strings attached. Just our bodies, figuring shit out.
***
I became even further detached from my family over the next few months, and Mom gave me my space. True, it could’ve been that I threw a shoe at her and threatened to run away if she came in my room again, but I didn’t want her sympathy or her love anymore. I didn’t want anyone, except Peter. He made things bearable. I stayed over at his house all the time, lying and telling Mom I stayed with Britney and Jennifer.
“So, kid,” he asked me one night as I lay wrapped in his arms. “What are you running from?”
Sitting up, I slid off the bed and found my clothes. “Does it really matter, Peter?”
He shifted up to his elbow and peered at me. “I guess not.”
“Then let’s keep this just like it is. No strings. No emotions. Just what we both want, okay?” Pulling my boots on, I ran my hands through my hair and tied it back in a ponytail. “I need to go.”
“Where you going?” he pouted, patting the mattress beside him.
“There’s this crazy thing called school I gotta go to.” I laughed. “I can come by later?”
“You do that, Bri.” He beckoned me closer and I bent over for a kiss. I liked his kisses, a little too much.
“See you later,” I breathed against his mouth, and he groaned.
“See you later, baby.”
Meandering through his apartment, I gathered my things and opened the front door. Stepping out into the hallway, I closed it behind me and hustled down the stairs to the main doorway of the building. Opening it quickly, I stepped into the early morning sunlight and jogged across the parking lot to my old car. Unlocking the door, I opened it and slid behind the wheel.
Resting my head against the cool leather steering wheel, I blew out a breath. I was lost, and I didn’t know how to find myself anymore. Somehow, I started the car and drove to school. Everything was a blur, all except for lunch, when I was called to the cheerleaders’ table again.
“Bri Harper!” Maggie Adamson called me. She was a senior, and the new captain of the cheer squad.
“Yeah?”
“You should try out for the squad again,” she grinned.
“Think so?” I asked coolly.
“Know so. So, why don’t you come and sit with us from now on? You’re one of us by proxy.” She tossed her long red hair over her shoulder and smiled. “Come on!”
I settled in beside Corie George, a blonde with braces. “We’re psyched,” she whispered, “Hope you are too.”
“Sure, I mean I thought I’d be on the squad this year…”
Maggie pursed her lips. “Unfortunately this year we signed on a girl who ended up breaking her ankle. So, if you want to join now, we’d take you.”
I was second best, and it burned my ass. But I knew if I walked away, I’d never get another offer. “Okay, sure.”
“Great. We’ll be working out all summer and then next year you’ll be ready to go. I’ll help through the summer before I go to college,” Maggie explained. “Then I’ll name a new captain and you guys will carry on the tradition! Now, no drugs or alcohol. We have an appearance to maintain.”
“Of course,” I nodded quickly, my stomach knotting painfully. “I understand.” That meant no more hanging out with Peter and getting wasted on E to forget. I wanted so desperately to belong… so I agreed to change who I was. It lasted, for a while.
Occasionally through the summer the loneliness would creep back in and back to him I’d go. I couldn’t find a job and I was alone with my thoughts. Twice a week we worked out and practiced cheers. Otherwise, I had nothing and no one. I hated the quiet, that’s when my demons screamed the loudest.
By my junior year, I was fully accepted into the cheer squad. Our new captain, Corie, led us well. She wanted to add in some sexy dances and make us a little hotter. Maggie hadn’t been willing to do that, but Corie was a new breed of slutty cheerleader.
“Roll your hips, up and down ladies! We want to make them sweat!”
Seriously, Corie would’ve made a hell of a stripper.
“If you got team spirit give a yell, give a Y-E-L-L!”
I could hear Carter snickering up in the stands, and I fought the urge to flip him off. He was really being a douche about having to wait on me for a ride home. He could’ve walked. I’d already made my mind up, I was going to make him walk home that day.
“Great practice, ladies!” Corie squealed. “Huskers in for the spirit slap!” We all put our hands in, stacking them on top of each other. Then Corie hollered, “Who’s got spirit?”
“Husker Cheerleaders!” we all replied, bringing our hands up with shimmying spirit fingers.
Carter stood from his spot on the bleachers and hustled down to meet me. “Can we please get home?” he whined.
Jangling the keys, I grinned. “You can walk. We’re going to the mall.”
“Fuck that! I waited on you! We’re supposed to ride together,” he argued.
“Sucks to be you, doesn’t it?” I sashayed away and all the cheerleaders followed me, giggling and pointing at him.
Corie, Jessica, Layla, and Denise crawled in the car with me and I cranked bubblegum pop as we peeled away. I knew it would piss him off a little more. “Bri, you’re so bad!” Corie laughed. “Let’s hit the mall!”
One problem with being a “good cheerleader” was that I couldn’t steal, at least not when they were with me. I had to be a pillar of society at all times. I hated it. But I loved the attention I got in my short skirts when I shimmied my ass on the field.
“This dress is so cute!” Denise cooed as she pulled a short pink mini dress off the rack. “I’m getting it!” She sashayed to the register and paid with a shiny new credit card. I was horribly jealous.
I didn’t even have money for gas. Carter paid for me to get around town. I stole or used my body to get whatever else I wanted, while these girls had rich daddies who gave them everything they desired. Once upon a time, I’d been rich too. I’d had things but no love. Now I had no things and no love. It sucked.
“Aren’t you gonna get anything?” Corie asked me as she checked out.
“Nah, not today.”
“Oh, okay.” They looked at me funny and I wanted to slip down between the cracks in the tile floor and die. I was mortified. The shopping trip was wrapped up pretty quickly after that and I drove everyone home. Singing along to the radio, I drove home and straight into hell. Parking in the driveway, I noticed everyone was home, which was unusual. Killing the engine, I opened the door and slid out. Charlie met me at the door with sad eyes.
“I wondered when you’d be home, Bri,” he started softly. “Your mom isn’t feeling well…”
“What’s wrong?” I asked, pushing past him to get inside. “Mom?” I called, and he put his hand on my arm.
“Shh, she needs her rest. Bri, honey, she lost a baby today.”
Whirling around to face him, I swayed on my feet. “What?”
“She was ten weeks pregnant and she miscarried…”
Everything hurt. My heart. My head. My soul ached. She’d gotten pregnant and lost a baby. Somehow it made me feel like I was the one being punished and hurt. I never wanted her to have another baby and maybe all my hate for the possibility of a sibling had snuffed out the little life she’d carried.
Charlie tried to pull me in for a hug, but I didn’t want his comfort. Breaking free from his grasp, I ran back to the car and slid behind the wheel. There was only one place I could go, back to the man who was the worst thing for me.
“Make me forget,” I whispered raggedly as he opened his door. Stumbling inside, I pressed my mouth to his and kicked the door closed.
To his credit Peter did make me forget. For
a little while. I became addicted to him. I needed him, he was fun and light. Things got crazier between us, and soon I was toying with new drugs, drinking all the time and having sex with anyone, anywhere. Mom was worried, but she had her own issues, she was losing babies left and right, and trying to just stay busy at work.
“I never see you anymore,” she murmured as I stopped by the house long enough to get clean clothes.
“I’m fine. Staying at Britney and Jennifer’s a lot.”
“You’re losing weight,” she started softly, running her hand over my thin wrist.
“Can we not do this?” I snapped, jerking away from her. “I’m fine.”
“You aren’t cheering anymore.”
“It’s hard to be cheerful these days.” Jamming clothes in my bag I hefted it to my shoulder and eyed her. “I’ll see you in a day or two.”
“I don’t like you not being here at night.”
“Their parents don’t care. It’s just a sleepover, Mom. Sorry I don’t want to be here for the miscarriage show. I’m almost eighteen anyway.”
“I feel like I’m losing you. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid if I make you stay home you’ll hate me. I just worry about what you’re doing.”
Laughing roughly, I walked out of my room and started down the stairs. “What kind of trouble can I get into in Marysville, Nebraska, Mom? I mean, come on. This is the middle of white bread America. Get real.”
She followed me down the stairs and tried to hug me as I opened the door. “Baby, I’m worried.”
“Worry about your uterus,” I snapped coldly, taking off across the driveway to the car. Throwing my bag inside, I glanced up to see my mother crying in the doorway. Starting the car, I peeled out of the drive. I didn’t care anymore. Or maybe I cared too much.
Peter waited for me to return and as I walked into the apartment, he jiggled a little bag full of white pills at me. “Hey party girl, want to have some fun tonight?”
“Sure,” I lied. I didn’t want to. But if I didn’t make him happy, he wouldn’t love me, then I’d have to go home and deal with my mother and her non-functioning uterus. So I performed like a damn circus clown. Partying, drinking, dancing, skipping school, then repeat became my norm.
But that all ended when Charlie came to get me from Peter’s house two weeks before I was eighteen. The knock on the door startled me awake. It was four in the afternoon and I was still hungover from the night before. We hadn’t stopped partying until ten in the morning. Groggily, I pulled myself from under Peter’s arm and shuffled to the door.
I didn’t even stop to get dressed, so I wore a thong and a lacy bra when I flung the door wide and yelled, “What the fuck are you knocking for?” The words died in my throat and my eyes bugged out as Charlie sighed.
“God dammit. I didn’t want to believe it. Someone from the shop said they saw your car here all the time. Get dressed. Now. You’re coming home.”
“You’re not the boss of me,” I whispered petulantly.
“Fine, don’t come with me. I’ll call the cops and your little boyfriend will be locked up for being with an underage girl and God knows what else. Are you doing drugs, Bri?” He grabbed my wrist and held my arm out, searching my pale skin for marks.
“Leave me alone, Charlie,” I begged. “Just let me fester here.”
“No, I won’t. You have until the count of five to get moving or I’m calling the cops. If you come with me peacefully, I won’t tell your mother. Do you really want to worry her after she just miscarried again?”
Great, Charlie, just twist the knife in harder. “Why do you care what I do?” I rasped.
“Someone has to. You’re throwing your life away. You can’t do this. You just can’t. Now move or I dial.” Whipping his cell phone from his pocket, he pursed his lips. “Let’s go.”
Nodding, I stepped back from the door. “Give me a few minutes, I need to get dressed.”
“You have five.”
I found my clothes and jerked them on. My bag had most of my things missing; all the people who’d been in and out of the apartment in the last weeks had taken my nice things. Shifting the strap up on my shoulder, I lowered my eyes as I opened the door and whispered, “Okay.”
The walk of shame out of that shitty apartment in the ghetto with Charlie was mortifying. He stared straight ahead and as I tried to go to my car, he jerked the keys from my hand and tossed them to a man standing nearby. “Jason, get that to the shop. Brielle, you’re coming with me.”
“That’s my car!” I yelled and he whirled around on me, his index finger inches from my nose.
“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll get in this car and come home quietly. I’ve never been more disappointed in someone in my life.”
I almost wished he’d hit me in the face, kicked me in the ribs, or beat me mercilessly. Charlie was a nice guy, and I’d never seen him look so angry. He was angry with me because I was hiding from my feelings and being a first class asshole. I deserved it.
Quietly, I nodded and he opened the passenger door. “Get in.”
“Okay, Charlie,” Sliding into the seat, I buckled in.
He walked around the car and opened his door before sliding behind the wheel. “I don’t ever want you to be around that scumbag again, do you understand me? The car will stay at the shop until school starts again. You will only drive back and forth to school, is that clear? When you get home, go straight upstairs and get cleaned up. Lisa’s at work, and I don’t want her to see you like this.”
“Crystal clear,” I whispered.
“Good. We’ll never speak of this again.”
We didn’t. The rest of the summer was spent in my room, hiding away from the world. For a little while, Charlie had scared me straight. Soon, though, I would break out of the house and sneak down to the convenience store to sweet talk the cashier into giving me a pack of menthol cigarettes. Other nights, I went to the Johnsons’ house to use their pool.
One sticky, sweltering night in August, I broke out of my window and shimmied down the trellis until my bare feet caressed the wet grass.
“Wait,” Carter hissed from his window.
I didn’t even glance back. If he really wanted to come with me, he could catch up.
“Where are you going?” he asked as he caught up to my side.
“To swim. Wanna come?”
“Sure. Where are we going to swim?”
I smiled. “The Johnsons have a pool.”
“Do they know we’re coming?”
Chuckling, I shook my head. “You’re so cute. No, they don’t.”
“So…we’re going to ask, right?” Oh Carter, what a good boy you are…
“No, we’re going to climb the fence, get naked, and swim. If you don’t have the balls for that, then go back home and get in bed for the night like a good little boy.”
“I’m coming.”
Laughing, I teased him a little. “Try not to in the water, okay? That’s gross.”
He snorted. “I’ll be fine.”
Pulling a pack of cigarettes out of the pocket of my shorts I stuck one in my mouth, lit it, and took a long drag. “Ahh…” I breathed out.
“They’re bad for your health,” he remarked and I shrugged.
“Anything that’s good is bad for you.”
“You’re different,” he said gently.
You have no idea, babe. “I’m not a little kid anymore. Neither are you. Now we’re eighteen and the real world is coming for us.”
“Are you okay?”
“Okay is such an ambiguous term, Carter,” I replied drolly.
“I’ve been worried about you.”
“Again, so fuckin’ cute. Don’t worry about me. Worry about someone else, anyone else. Not me, Carter.” Taking another long drag of my cigarette, I blew out a menthol-scented cloud.
“I care about you, though.”
Pausing, I turned to face him. “I know you do. I’m telling you to stop.”
�
�I can’t. I’ll always care about you.”
“If you knew me, really knew me? You would hate me.” Walking faster, I had to get to the pool and get him out of my face.
He caught up with me easily and touched my elbow. “I do know you, Brielle. I’ve known you since kindergarten.”
No! I can’t deal with this, Carter! Stop! Please! Pulling away from him, I snapped, “Look, if this is going to be an episode of Intervention or something, could you just go back home? I’m hot and I want to get wet. Is that so wrong? I don’t need to be quizzed about my fucked up life.”
“Okay, fine. Just know that I’m here for you.”
Blowing out another lungful of smoke I murmured softly, “I know you are.”
We ended up at the Johnsons’ house a few minutes later. The house was dark and I snickered. “Yes, the old bastards are asleep. Let’s go swim. Come give me a boost over and I’ll unlock the gate for you.”
“You’re not going to leave me out here by myself are you?” He worried so easily. It was adorable.
“You wound me.”
He hefted me up and I slid down the other side. Popping the gate open, I waved him inside. “Easy peasy.”
Stripping off my clothes, I left them in a pile by the edge of the pool and dove down in the chilly, crystalline water. My nipples tightened painfully but it felt glorious. I swam for a bit then broke the surface. Carter stood at the edge of the pool, seeming very unsure of himself.
“Come in,” I urged him.
He knelt by the side of the pool and slowly slid into the water. “Damn, I wish we had a pool,” he whispered.
“Why are you wearing your shorts? Are you hard?” I giggled softly, and he ducked under the water to avoid my question.
When he surfaced I splashed him. I’m not sure how long we were in the pool playing, but apparently we got a little loud because the porch light flicked on.
“Busted!” I shrieked, swimming fast for the ladder to climb out. Grabbing my clothes, I peeked over my shoulder to make sure Carter was coming. He followed hot on my heels and I realized I was running down the street naked as the day I was born. Suddenly, he grabbed my elbow and pulled me into the cemetery behind the old Baptist church. “Here, get dressed,” he whispered.
Good Stepbrother (Love #2) Page 7
