The Spark_What does death feel like?

by R. Mason

  “Hate to break it to you, ma’am,” Amethyst said, fear growing, “But the only master I have is my mum.”

  “I have given you everything you have.” Kamini’s nails dug into the side of Amethyst’s neck, and all she could think is that they wouldn’t heal in time for her to hide them from Faye, “You must give me at least yourself in return.”

  “I won’t give you anything.” Amethyst spat before slamming her head forward so it collided with Kamini’s. While she was shocked and distracted, Amethyst slipped from her grip and dashed for the woods, not sure which direction she was going in but hoping it was towards home.

  “Little one!” Kamini called, “Amethyst!” Her name sounded like a curse coming from the woman’s mouth, but she kept running, ignoring the instinct to obey, to stop, to submit.

  She ran and ran, thankful for the probable advantage she had with her enhanced abilities. The footsteps quickly gaining speed behind her told her maybe she was wrong. Twigs snapped and shot backwards from the force of Amethyst’s steps, and her hair whipped behind her as she went. She wiped at her eyes, not having noticed she was crying until this point, feeling violated and wrong.

  A falter in her step, a small mistake of footing, and Amethyst was on the ground, Kamini looming over her with sparking eyes and a snarl on her lips.

  “Get off me!” Amethyst yelled, kicking, and hitting and scrapping with all her might to get away from the woman. Without much of a struggle, Kamini grabbed her wrists and pinned them over her head, straddling her in an overly sexual way that made Amethyst want to retch. The temptation to buck her hips up so she could roll Kamini off was out of the question when the woman’s nose touched her neck. Only just resisting crying out, Amethyst stretched her neck so her face could be as far away from Kamini as possible. The woman must’ve taken that as a positive though, and made an approving noise, before licking a stripe up Amethyst’s neck.

  This time Amethyst did cry out.

  “I did not ask you my question.” Kamini breathed against her skin. All Amethyst did in reply was whimper. Unforgiving fingers turned her face, so she met Kamini’s dark eyes with her wet ones. Suddenly, Amethyst was back to a year ago, a wolf growling over her with drool dripping onto her T Shirt and golden eyes. Golden- “What does death feel like?”

  “Please-” Amethyst started to beg, the old fear from where she was turned returning, full throttle, making her shake at the force of it. There was no point in continuing though, because she realised Kamini was gone, leaving the air around her cold and still. Bringing her hands to her chest, rubbing at her sore wrists, Amethyst finally let the tears take over.

  Broken down and terrified, all Amethyst could do was lie there on the hard ground, watch the stars go blurry above her and wait until the sobs and shakes subsided so she could go home.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Kamini’s mocking and superior voice rattled through Amethyst’s mind like a mantra.

  What does death feel like?

  It felt like a promise, a threat, a ‘to be continued’. The words shook Amethyst at her very core. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Kamini to find her and kill her in the most gruesome way possible. Never had Amethyst regretted something as much as she regretted following her God damn gut into the woods. She should’ve felt the confusion in her wolf, the reluctance to respond to the call of its maker. The reality was that Amethyst was weak minded. Only Amethyst would be stupid enough to trust something she didn’t even understand.

  She knew it would probably be worse for Faye if she knew.

  It was wrong to keep it from her. Amethyst knew that, her wolf knew that, every fibre of her being told her to stop and just tell Faye what happened. But the protective part of her, the biggest part, was telling her to shield the other girl from potential hurt. With how worried she got about simple things like forgetting a pencil or being late for football practise, the last thing Amethyst wanted was to put more on her shoulders.

  Telling her just wasn’t an option.

  Then there was the realisation of just who Kamini was that Amethyst had to deal with. Over the last year, she had accepted the fact that the person who turned her ran immediately, leaving her alone and to fend for herself. At the time, Amethyst had wished they had stayed. Now, having seen those golden eyes once more, she wished they had never come back. To know that Kamini had bitten her, given her these powers, had her teeth in Amethyst’s skin, made her want to rip out every wolf part of herself and throw it back in the woman’s smug face.

  Looking in the mirror, Amethyst brushed her fingers over her shoulder, remembering the ache and pain of the wound that was only there for a day. Her blunt nails dug into the tan skin, and she hissed in pain, but didn’t stop. A tear trickled down her cheek and she groaned, scrunching her eyes shut and using the sink to support herself as she ducked her head.

  Somehow, she had managed to convince herself that werewolves were good, that the person who turned her just lost control and couldn’t stop themselves. She told herself that she wasn’t a monster. Even Faye had insisted that wolves were loyal, loving, pack oriented animals. The look in Kamini’s eyes when she dug her fingernails into Amethyst’s neck told her something different.

  It was selfish in some way, keeping all this to herself. Telling Faye would mean admitting that the person who turned her was a monster, that they weren’t good, and loyal, and pack oriented. It would mean seeing the love in Faye’s eyes fade into fear, realisation, dawning understanding of the fact that Amethyst wasn’t everything she thought she was. As much as she didn’t want to lie to Faye, it was easier to live a lie than face the truth of what she was.

  A glance in the mirror told Amethyst that the crescent-moon shaped marks weren’t fading at all. For some reason, she had hoped that the rules would have changed for just this once. No small wounds healed, not like in the movies. Broken bones, yes. Grazes and cuts, no. The lack of understanding Amethyst had for her abilities became abundantly clear in moments like these, moments where she wished she were normal, moments where she wished the last year never happened. Just when Amethyst was moving out of the confused stage of her teenage years, just when she had started figuring out who she was, this bomb was dropped on her. It was ironic in some ways. It was a lesson to never be too confident, never feel too safe or secure, because as soon as you do, it will all get turned upside down. First the bite, now this.

  She heard, rather than felt, the granite of the counter creaking beneath her fingertips. Amethyst ripped her hands away from the surface like she had been burned, holding them to her chest as she backed into the wall. It was cold on her skin, a shock pushing her back into reality. The cracks in the granite were barely visible, but they were there. Hairline fractures made by Amethyst’s frustration and anger.

  Shaking, she looked down, seeing not the hands of an artist, but the weapons of a monster.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  “Amethyst!” Rida called, and Amethyst only just heard her through the music playing out through her phone.

  “What?!” She shouted back, still scrolling through an especially detailed webpage about what separates the wolf from the person. There were also a few tabs about how traits were passed from wolf to wolf, but Amethyst had given up on trying to convince herself she was normal at this point. Here’s hoping her mum never looked through her internet history.

  “Someone’s here for you!”

  “For God’s sake.” Amethyst minimized the window she had open, wondering why Faye hadn’t texted her to let her know she was coming around. It didn’t really matter.

  Not bothering to put on anything over her bralette and some men’s boxers she bought a while back- because screw gender norms- Amethyst ran down the stairs and skipped into the kitchen.

  “Oh.” That was definitely not Faye stood in the middle of her kitchen in a blue raincoat and black skinny jeans.

  “Nice boxers.” Dylan smirked, holding a rainbow cookie from the packet Amethyst had bought earlier that day. She narr
owed her eyes at him and was about to say something when her mum walked into the room with a smile.

  “I offered them to him,” Rida said, “Before you tell him off.”

  “I wasn’t going to.” Amethyst crossed her arms petulantly, feeling unnecessarily exposed in her own home.

  “I know what you’re like with your food.” Rida said conspiringly, and Dylan laughed as if he was being let in on a secret.

  “Mum!”

  “Okay, okay,” Rida held her hands up, chuckling, “I’ll leave you guys to it. I’m ordering some pizza at around six if you want to stay for dinner, Dylan.”

  “I don’t know about that, ma’am. I think my mum wants me home before then.” Dylan said, using the same charming smile that had all the teachers under his thumb. It just made Amethyst want to say something to wipe it off.

  “Listen,” Amethyst started once her mum had left the room, trying her best to look threatening while in her underwear, “I don’t know how you got my address, but you need to leave. I know I had a panic attack and all but I don’t need your pity party. I get it, you’re a good Samaritan, good for you, and goodbye.”

  “One,” Dylan held up a finger, “I got your address from Faye.”

  “How-”

  “Told her I had homework to give you,” Dylan looked smug, “Two, I’m not really that much of a good Samaritan, I’m just not an arse hole. And three, is that what you’re calling it these days?”

  “Calling what?” Amethyst grumbled, grabbing herself a cookie to chomp on miserably.

  “What happened to you in class was not a panic attack.”

  “Yes, it was.” Amethyst swallowed, mouth going dry, “What are you trying to say?”

  “I’ve seen this mumbo jumbo before.” Dylan spun his phone idly on the counter, watching it spin with a blank expression Amethyst was trying hard to read.

  “Is that mumbo jumbo called anxiety?” Amethyst said, tilting her head. It was disconcerting when Dylan just smiled at her, like they were sharing something no one else knew about, “Get to the point.”

  “I came here to let you know I get it.” Dylan shrugged, turning to lean his back on the counter, “It’s hard.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “You will.” Dylan grinned again like nothing had happened, and sauntered past Amethyst and out the door. Not before stopping and throwing a wink her way before leaving. It made Amethyst want to both laugh and punch him in the face. At the same time.

  “Crap, crap, crap.” Amethyst ran back upstairs and grabbed her phone, the reality of the conversation setting in and panic joining it. How could she have ever thought she could keep all this to herself? Now not only was Kamini something to think about, but some guy from school was on her tail. No pun intended.

  This was one of those times that Amehtyst had to be grown up. She had to admit that she needed help. It was Faye’s decision whether she wanted anything to do with her after she knew that a monster turned Amethyst. It was pointless keeping it from her.

  “S’up.” Faye answered the phone almost immediately, distracted.

  “We have a freaking code red, Faye. This is really bad.” Amethyst ran a hand through her hair, looking around her room for things to clean away. It helped her think. She threw some clothes from her floor into her hamper and cursed under her breath.

  “Wait, hold up,” There was a door slam on Faye’s end of the line, “What’s wrong? What happened?”

  “Dylan Emerson happened!” Amethyst yelled, “Why the hell did you tell him where I live?”

  “He said he had homework to give you.” Faye said confusedly, “Did he do something to you? I’ll beat him up, I swear, if he touched you-”

  “No, no,” Amethyst almost laughed at Faye’s reaction, “It’s nothing like that. It’s way worse.”

  “Is it moonie related?” Faye asked in a hushed tone, as another door closed after heavy footsteps.

  “You know I hate that code name.”

  “I know,” Faye giggled, “That’s why I like it so much.”

  “Loser,” Amethyst said fondly, “He said that he knew I didn’t have a panic attack. That he knew what I was going through.”

  “Did you admit to anything?”

  “What? No!”

  “Just asking.”

  “I’m not that stupid. I said I had no idea what he was talking about and he said, ‘you will’. I just- what kind of bull retort is that?”

  “Sounds familiar.” Faye said, “What happened after that?”

  “He left!” Amethyst waved a hand, despite knowing that Faye couldn’t see her, “He gave me a super ominous reply then walked away like he’s some dark and mysterious vampire in a film that I’m the heroine of. I am not the heroine, Faye! I refuse to be a stereotypical helpess girl!”

  “Wouldn’t you be the hero in that scenario?”

  “That’s not the point!”

  “I know,” Faye sighed, sobering, “He can’t know much if he was being vague. He probably wanted to see if you slipped up, and you didn’t, so there’s nothing to worry about.”

  “He might not know everything but he has to know something. Why else would he have the balls to actually come to my house and confront me about it?”

  “He seems pretty obnoxious.” Faye grumbled.

  “I was in my underwear.”

  “He got to see you in your underwear?” Faye nearly shouted, “I mean- that’s so- He got to see you in your underwear?”

  “I know,” Amethyst groaned, “It was so embarrassing. It’s hard to look menacing with superman boxers on. God, I can’t even do dramatic moments right.”

  “Listen, it’s going to be fine.” Faye insisted, “Even if he found something out, what could he do with that information? It’s not like anyone would believe him.”

  “Crap.” Amethyst rubbed a hand over her face, “I’m panicking over nothing, aren’t I?”

  “Maybe,” Faye said, and Amethyst could almost see the shrug, “Maybe not. I guess we’ll find out.”

  “How are you being so calm about this?”

  “It doesn’t involve football.” Faye replied completely seriously.

  “I’m glad my safety isn’t as important as football to you, Faye, that’s really reassuring.”

  “Come on,” Faye said, “You know that if you were in any immediate danger I would be over there in a split second to beat the crap out of anyone who came near you.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You want me to come over?” Faye offered quietly, “We can watch Rocky Horror and paint each other’s nails?”

  Maybe she shouldn’t tell her over the phone, in person would be better.

  “God, you know me.”

  Amethyst could totally do this.

  ◆◆◆

  This was the perfect opportunity to tell Faye. All she had to do was tell her. Those simple words had to leave her mouth. Then again, how could she explain it simply? Hey, did you know that the woman who turned me is back and is kind of horrible and sexual? I’m extremely scared of her and want to die right now!

  That wouldn’t do.

  But- but she had to tell her. It wasn’t fair to keep it from her anymore.

  “Tell me something.” Faye’s tongue was poking out from between her lips and her words were muffled slightly by it. Her concentration on Amethyst’s hand never wavered, the nail polish brush moving smoothly over her nails. The expression she was pulling reminded Amethyst of when the other girl was on the field, looking down at the ball by her feet as if she could use her mind to will it into the goal.

  “What?” Amethyst tried not to panic that Faye already knew, and took this opportunity to just watch Faye work, not stealing glances like she usually did, but staring, unblinkingly, at the girl in front of her. Of course, she didn’t notice. Whether that was because she was used to it or because her concentration was so intense that she couldn’t focus on anything else, Amethyst didn’t know.

  “If you co
uld be anywhere in the world right now,” Faye said, pursing her lips, “Anywhere at all, no cost, no nothin’, where would you go?”

  “I don’t know.” Amethyst narrowed her eyes, flicking her gaze to a point on the wall just behind Faye’s head. There was a poster there, a map of Middle Earth, just next to it a picture of Faye, her dad and Amethyst from when they went to Portugal together a few years back, “Can I take someone with me or would I be on my own?”

  “Don’t think that deeply into it-” Faye laughed- “Just answer the question.”

  “Probably at the park down the road. I really feel like going on a swing right now.”

  “I would say let’s go-” Faye tilted her head, her eyes flicking up for a moment to look at Amethyst before falling to her fingernails again- “But it’s dark and scary.”

  “You’ve got to stop being scared of the dark at some point.”

  “Who says?”

  “It’s a dark world out there.” Amethyst smiled, “You’ll always be scared.”

  “You’re dark,” Faye said, putting the brush back in the nail polish bottle and screwing it shut neatly, “I’m here to cheer you up, not talk about the inevitability of an existential crisis and depression.”

  “Hey, I never said that.” Amethyst defended moving her fingers to her lips to blow on them lightly. If only Faye knew the bomb Amethyst was about to drop on her. Talk about depressing.

  “You implied, Scrooge.”

  “This has nothing to do with Christmas.”

  “A Christmas Carol isn’t really about Christmas, dummy.” Faye rolled her eyes, leaning back on her hands, and considering Amethyst with unveiled disappointed, “It’s about the importance of generosity and understanding. Have you even seen or read it?”

  “Nope.” Amethyst popped the ‘P’ and grinned at Faye’s affronted noise.

  “You are actually dead to me,” Faye said, shaking her head, “This friendship is over, there’s no trust.”

  “Whatever will I do without your mothering?” Amethyst brought the hand with the least wet nails to her forehead and feigned feeling faint, “I shall surely perish.”