The Truths about Dating and Mating

by Jaycee DeLorenzo

  “Yeah, I know.” I conceded the point, well aware Ian fell into the latter category. He was as tight-lipped about the details of his sexual encounters as he was about anything else truly personal. Well, except with me. I knew all the nitty-gritty details of his life; the good, the bad, and the ugly, and there had been plenty of all three.

  “So, Vanessa, were we able to answer your question?” Ian said.

  “Yes. Thank you.”

  “We’re here to serve.” He pressed the “kill” button. “And on that note, we’re going to have to take a short break. When we return, more listeners’ calls and our letter of the night. So stick around for more of The Truths about Dating and Mating. It’s ten after eleven, and we’re just getting warmed up on KRAZ.”

  As soon as the ON-AIR light went out, I raised my brow. “World’s leading expert in masturbation, eh?”

  A sheepish smile spread over Ian’s face. “Well, you know. Expert, practitioner… same difference.”

  I pulled my hair from its tie and ran my fingers through the long strands. “Between classes and dropping your pants for every girl on campus, how do you find the time?”

  Ian ran a hand over his neck, mussing up his dark hair even more. “Come on, Ivy, I don’t date that many girls.”

  I scoffed. “You don’t date any of them. ‘Dating’ implies you actually spend time with the girl before taking her to bed.”

  “Ahh...” Ian averted his gaze, looking just the tiniest-bit flustered. Which, for a guy who bedded as many girls as he did, was all kinds of ironic. “You know, I’m hardly the only one guilty of casual sex, here.”

  “One time,” I stressed. Only three men in the wide world could answer the perennial question – natural blonde or bottle job? (Both, as a matter of fact; my dirty-blonde hair was often treated to a pick-me-up with Garnier’s Champagne Fizz). Two of my lovers had been semi-serious relationships, and yes, the third had been a sexier-than-sin Navy Seal Leap Frog. Adam something-or-other 2nd Class had been in town for one weekend only, doing a parachuting event at my old high school. We met at a club downtown, and after challenging his occupational claims – A Navy Seal? Sounded like a B.S. line to me, but he was smokin’ hot and I was feeling adventurous – I accompanied him back to his hotel room to view his... ahem, equipment.

  “And I don’t regret it one bit,” I added, just because I knew how much it would irritate my overprotective friend. It was a bald-faced lie. While the sex had been enjoyable, the whole experience left me feeling hollow and… well, crappy. The guilt and shame ate at me for weeks. I eventually made peace with what I’d done, and decided to chalk it up as a learning experience; one I never wanted to repeat.

  Ian reached for a C.D. from the wooden rack behind him and studied the song list. “I still can’t believe you went home with that guy,” he grumbled.

  “I still can’t believe we made our escape before you could scare him off. You were off your game that night.”

  “I don’t scare guys off,” Ian said indignantly. “I just give them incentive to act like gentlemen.”

  I goggled at him in disbelief. “Need I remind you of what you said to Brian?”

  The corners of his mouth quirked. “So?”

  “Don’t ‘so’ me! That’s not incentive, it’s… interfering where you don’t belong.”

  “Again, Sellers is a douche.”

  I groaned, letting my head fall back. “Can we, for once, skip the ‘every guy you date is a douche, or a chode, or an… assclown’ discussion?”

  Ian snickered down at the C.D. “Assclown? When have I ever called anybody an assclown?”

  Way to steer the conversation off the topic. “Whatever.”

  Ian held up his hands. “All I’m saying is that any guy who has to one-up everyone, just to prove how ‘knowledgeable’ he is? That’s the classic definition of a douche. A guy like that doesn’t deserve your time, let alone your attention. And, good God, don’t even get me started on the spray-on tan.”

  Well, I had to give him that one. I’d been a little turned off by it myself, but willing to let it slide because of desirable qualities Brian possessed that more than made up for it – broad shoulders, a killer smile, and a genuine interest in me. “What about the girls you hook up with?”

  “What about them?”

  “Brainless Barbies.” I ticked the words off on my fingers.

  Ian smirked and rubbed his lower abdominal muscles in a suggestive manner. “I’m not looking to discuss particle physics with ‘em.”

  “Ugh, how did I ever become friends with such a pig?” I made a face of disgust, giving a halfhearted voice to my inner-feminist. My outrage would’ve been more genuine if I believed, for one second, that he was just another opportunistic playboy. Like his On-Air personality, this was just another face Ian presented to the world because the world responded favorably to it.

  “A pig?” he cried in mock-affront. “I’ll show you a pig.” He captured my wrists in his large hands, yanked me side-saddle into his lap, then thrust his nose into the crook of my neck and oinked.

  “Ian!” I squealed with delight as he tickled my waist. “Ian, stop! No! I’m going to pee my pants!”

  “All the more incentive for me to keep going.” His hands went to the sensitive undersides of my knees.

  I squirmed on top of him. “Kinky pervert! Hey! Come on… ah! Stop! Look, we’re on in less than a minute.”

  “Fine.” Ian let me go, and I fell back into my seat, flushed and winded. “Killjoy,” he teased.

  “Big meanie.” I huffed and thrust out my lower lip.

  “Wimp.”

  “Man-whore.”

  Amery’s chiding voice came over the speakers. “Hey, you two, as much as I hate to break up insult volleyball, we still have a show to do.”

  Ian hooted when I stuck my tongue out at him and glanced at the monitor. Swiveling 180-degrees in his chair, he turned his attention to the engineer’s booth. “So, Amery, what’s tonight’s letter about?”

  ***

  “Thanks again for the ride.” I climbed off Ian’s prized gray Ducati Diavel outside the Ocotillo apartment complex and pushed his helmet off my head.

  The look on Ian’s face in the waxing moonlight was full of censure. “Like I’d let you walk home. What’s the latest on your car?”

  “It’s supposed to be done tomorrow. Maybe you can give me a ride to the mechanic’s after SHAZ-Fest? You’re coming, right?” SHAZ-Fest – otherwise known as the Sexual Health from A-to-Z Festival - was Riordan College’s annual spring semester event which promoted smart and safe sexual lifestyles among college students.

  Ian grimaced. “Ehh… do I have to?”

  I yawned. “We did sign up to man the booth.”

  “You signed us up.”

  “Well, it’s kind of expected that we do something. We do claim to be semi-authorities on sex and relationships. I don’t see that we had much choice.”

  A muscle ticked in his jaw. “Yeah, but…”

  “Come on, it’s two measly hours of your life. Besides, what else are you going to do between classes?”

  Ian gave me a wicked grin. “Oh, I’m sure I can find someone.”

  I groaned. I was tired and a little sick of dealing with “Playboy Ian” tonight. “Give it a rest.”

  “Sorry,” he said in a low voice, then released a long sigh. He turned his head to a sodium light on the first floor, and I saw all the humor leave his face. “Pete called this afternoon.”

  I sobered in an instant, my stomach rising and falling like I was on an elevator. Pete was Ian’s stepfather and the man who raised him after his mother split because the responsibilities of parenting didn’t suit her party-girl lifestyle. Pete was also a raging alcoholic whose violent temper had broken Ian - physically, mentally, and emotionally - more times than I could count. I knew, because I was always there to pick up the pieces.

  “What did he want?” I asked, struggling to keep the contempt out of my voice. It would only pu
t him on the defensive.

  Ian reached out to scrape his nail against a bit of sticky residue on one of his handles. “He’s back in AA.”

  “Another attempt at amends?” I was less successful at hiding the acid in my tone this time. Pete played hopscotch with sobriety. This was his sixth – seventh? – time enrolling in AA in as many years.

  Ian’s nod was almost imperceptible. “He asked me to meet him at noon tomorrow.”

  I closed my eyes and exhaled through my nose. Here we go again. I opened my eyes and fought to keep my voice even. “What did you tell him?”

  “I didn’t answer one way or the other.”

  “But you’re considering it.”

  “I didn’t say that. I don’t know. He sounds like he’s doing okay. And he’s made it six months, which is longer than any of the other times.”

  If that was supposed to convince me, it was a miserable failure. Pete always did well at first. “Good for him. I wish him the best of luck, I do, and I hope it sticks. But--”

  Ian’s eyes swung to mine. “Don’t get my hopes up, right?”

  I winced at the edge in his tone then nodded. I hated being the pessimist here, especially knowing how much Ian wanted Pete to be the guy he was before his mother left, but someone had to say it. Every time Pete tried for sobriety, he’d make overtures and apologies for years of being an abusive asshole, and Ian would get his hopes up that things would change.

  Reading the turmoil in Ian’s eyes, I reached out and touched his face, rubbing my thumb against the scar hidden beneath the facial hair on his chin. A cracked jaw and seven stitches was his reward for one of Pete’s slips, and it was far from the only physical evidence of Pete’s temper. “How many times are you going to do this to yourself?” I whispered.

  His nostrils flared and he jerked his head away. “I haven’t decided if I’m doing anything yet.”

  “Haven’t you?” Despite what he said, I knew it wasn’t a matter of if he’d go see him, but when. He didn’t need my approval – Ian was going to do what Ian was going to do – and he wasn’t really asking for it. I think he just wanted my reassurance that I would be there for him when Pete went down in flames again. And I would.

  “You know what? Fuck him.” Ian rolled his shoulders, like he was squaring off with someone. “Besides, we did sign up to do SHAZ-Fest, right?”

  I could see in his eyes that nothing had changed. He’d still see his stepfather and get his hopes up, just not right away. The delay was of some consolation to me.

  My mouth curved. “I signed us up.”

  “Yep, and I’m not gonna let you down. I’ll be there for… at least the first hour.”

  “Stay for the whole two hours and I’ll treat you to lunch afterwards,” I said in a singsong voice. When he still looked reluctant, I gave him a coy look and dangled the ultimate bait: “Luna’s?”

  He narrowed his eyes at the mention of our favorite restaurant. “You’re evil.”

  I giggled, knowing I had him. “That’s why you love me.” I leaned in and pecked his cheek. “Sleep tight. Drive safe.”

  I jogged toward the A-frame building I shared with my roommate, Chelsea Prince. I took the steps to the third floor two at a time and waved down from the balcony rail when I reached the landing. Ian wouldn’t leave until I was safe inside. His motorcycle roared in answer only after I closed the door behind me.

  I found Chelsea sitting at the computer off the kitchen. Even in the middle of the night, she wore her typical business casual best: smart black slacks, a burgundy shell with a ruffled neckline, and a polished pair of black leather flats. Her narrow face was still in full makeup, but she’d let down her long hair from its usual French twist. It hung to the middle of her back in dark, unruly tangles from twisting it up while wet.

  At five-foot-two and ninety-five pounds, Chelsea went the extra mile to make herself look professional and presentable at all times, because, as she often told people: “You never know when you’ll need to make a good impression.” But to me, she’d confided: “And in casual clothes and no makeup, I look like a twelve year-old.”

  I didn’t disagree.

  “Hey, what are you still doing up?” I asked, eyeing the microwave display. It was nearly two. Chelsea liked to get at least eight hours of sleep a night, and we both had classes at nine.

  Chelsea glanced up from the screen. “I’m working.”

  “You’re not still working on your Winter Queen speech, are you?” She’d been working on it when I set off to chew Ian out earlier that evening.

  Chelsea’s petite fingers tapped a few keys on the keyboard. “No, my organic chemistry report is due tomorrow.”

  “Didn’t you finish that last week?” I had a vague recollection of her mentioning it.

  “I did, but the conclusion has been bugging me, and I wanted to check it for any errors.”

  I was tempted to tell Chelsea that I was sure the paper was A-plus material, but why waste my breath? Chelsea wasn’t just a perfectionist, she was a borderline obsessive-compulsive, and wouldn’t be able to rest until she’d checked the paper twice-over. Or twentieth-over.

  I stopped at the refrigerator for a Caffeine-Free Diet Coke. “Do I have any messages?”

  “On the pad.”

  I popped the top of my can and took a sip as I crossed into our tidy living room. Our apartment was a two-bedroom, two-bath, with a rectangular great room that housed the kitchen and living room, and bedrooms flanking the east and west walls. Our shared living areas were decorated in neutral shades: off-white walls, beige micro-suede furniture secondhanded to us by Chelsea’s parents, and a set of glass-covered coffee and end tables. Wrought-iron candle sconces and paintings of white flowers hung on the walls, and our 19-inch television sat on a stand I scored outside the dumpster after last year’s crop of seniors graduated. The only true splashes of color in the room were a rattan Papasan chair with a cardinal-red cushion, and a like-colored blanket that sported Rocky, our college’s beloved razorback, folded neatly over the back of the sofa.

  The whole place had a very adult feel and didn’t represent my more eclectic tastes, but I wasn’t about to complain. One of Chelsea’s many scholarships paid three-quarters of the apartment’s monthly rent, so my share was dirt-cheap. Good thing, too, since my work-study position at the student health center had been axed due to budget cuts at the end of the last semester, so I was living on my partial tuition waiver and student loans.

  I retrieved the notepad from its place by the phone. The first message was from my mom, reminding me of dinner on Thursday with her latest boyfriend. Not that I’d forgotten; visits home meant free access to the washing machine and I was running desperately low on clean panties. The second message was from the mechanic at Gallo’s Garage, informing me that my car would be available for pickup in two days. “What the…? Hey, did the mechanic mention why he needed to keep the car longer?”

  My VW Golf had been in the shop for over two weeks, taken in for what I’d been told was a simple recharge of the air conditioner. Every other day since, I received a call reporting problems with the compressor, then the condenser, and most recently, the evaporator. The words were gibberish, but one thing was becoming alarmingly clear: my bank account was about to take a serious hit, and it was still only the beginning of February. I wasn’t just going to be living lean for the next four months, I’d be living anorexic.

  When Chelsea failed to answer, I looked over my shoulder to find her staring at the computer screen with single-minded focus. “Chelsea? Hey, Chels!”

  Chelsea jumped, upsetting the keyboard on the pull-out drawer. “What?” she asked, her voice ringing with exasperation. She flicked back a lock of brown hair from her forehead.

  “The mechanic?” I waved the notepad. “Why does he need more time?”

  “It didn’t occur to me to ask. I’m just the messenger.”

  I flung the pad down. The one time I try to be proactive by fixing the car before lack of A.C. became a c
ritical issue and it bites me in the ass. “This is getting ridiculous. This guy has got to be taking me for a ride.”

  Chelsea’s willowy shoulders rose and fell. “So, drag Ian down there and make sure everything’s on the up-and-up.” And, please, let me get my work done, was the unsaid statement trailing her words.

  I didn’t take offense to the undercurrent of irritation in my roommate’s voice. Chelsea lived a regimented life, full of structure and schedules. Being up this late meant she was off her schedule, which tended to put her on edge. She was normally sweeter than pie.

  “Fine,” I said. “I’ll leave you to fondle your keyboard.”

  Chelsea gave me a sarcastic smile. “Thank you.”

  Walking into my bedroom was like walking into another apartment – one representative of me. A patchwork quilt done in primary colors was thrown over my bed. Curtains I’d knotted together out of multi-colored squares of organza hung over the window, dark for now, but during the day they painted my room like a stained-glass window. I had an old white dresser by the door, with my stereo, docking station, and jewelry box on top. A small desk stacked with textbooks and my ancient laptop - 1999, baby! - was positioned by the window to give me a view of the White Mountains. My favorite art print, Hieronymus Bosch’s Garden of Earthly Delights, hung over the length of my bed.

  Mine was the smaller of the two bedrooms, not much bigger than a prison cell, really, but it came with its own private bath and was on the end of the building. Chelsea’s room was almost twice as big as mine, but hers was the bathroom guests used and her wall backed a quartet of noisy soccer players, hence her computer setup off the kitchen.

  Yawning, I tossed my bag on my bed and stripped, leaving a trail of clothes on the carpet on my way to the bathroom. Pandora, my grumpy Russian Blue rescue cat darted out from beneath my bed to pounce on one of my socks, almost knocking me over.

  After washing away the day’s dirt, I threw on an oversized Riordan Athletics XXL Tee and climbed into bed. I had to be up for class at eight. Unfortunately, sleep didn’t come easily. It never did after a show. I fleetingly considered engaging in a little ménage a moi, knowing it was a surefire way to help me fall asleep, but the truth was, masturbation was becoming less and less satisfying. Plus, I was pretty confident I was starting to feel the first pangs of carpal tunnel in my wrist.