The Truths about Dating and Mating

by Jaycee DeLorenzo

  Sitting straight up, I spoke to her in the nicest voice I could muster—which wasn’t very nice at all, but really, trying to be civil to the inhuman seemed like a pointless venture.

  “Hi, Lila. How goes it?”

  Lila lowered herself onto a seat at our table and crossed her freshly Naired legs, making sure I saw the Fendi label stamped on the bottom of her shoe.

  “Oh, nothing much. I just came to get an espresso and maybe a scone, but judging by the spread you have there, I’d guess they’re all cleaned out of freshly baked goods today.”

  Oh, wow, a jab at my weight; weight I hadn’t even carried around since freshman year, thank you very much. But the stuck up she-devil couldn’t resist reminding me about it—how original.

  “Very nice, Lila. Did you think that one up all by yourself, or did one of the professors who gives you special tutoring help out with your creative genius?” A sick sense of pleasure filled me when I saw her jaw clench, showing I’d struck a nerve. This was immature, perhaps, but I couldn’t help myself. The girl drove me insane.

  She pursed her lips, then quickly schooled her features, speaking in her annoying, squeaky voice. “Now, now . . . there’s no need to get vicious. I just came over for some friendly banter.”

  That was highly unlikely. Lila Nix always had an ulterior motive. She wouldn’t have thought to waste her precious air on the likes of me, unless she had something cooked up in that puny brain of hers.

  She pushed a loose strand of her blonde locks behind her ear in annoyance, probably offended the hair had the audacity to fall out of place. “Actually, I came to offer my condolences about the upcoming art showcase.”

  Ugh! The shrillness of her voice made me want to take a two-by-four to my head. Wait . . . what about the showcase?

  “Condolences for what?” I asked stiffly, trying not to show her how much I was freaking out inside. I wanted to be in that show more than I wanted my next breath, and she knew it. But they weren’t supposed to be picking students for another month or so! They hadn’t changed their policy, had they? Oh, God, I hoped not.

  Her smug grin widened. “Well, nothing’s for sure, yet, but you may as well give up now. Professor Frankton has been absolutely raving about my collection. She tutored me over the summer, you know, helping me expand my work, and kept going on and on about my artistic promise. I practically have this one in the bag.”

  I highly doubted that, considering Professor Frankton had indicated on more than one occasion she found Lila even more annoying than I did. Still, it wasn’t personality that landed one in the upperclassmen showcase, it was talent. And as much as I hated to admit it, she actually had some. Then again, so did I, and I’d be damned if her work was chosen over mine.

  Her smile was full of faux sympathy. “But no hard feelings, huh? There’s always next year, and I’d be totally willing to mentor you, if you’d like.”

  “Thanks for the offer, but, to be perfectly honest, I’d rather lick a cow’s ass.”

  She tsked. “Does every word that comes out of your mouth have to be dripping with negativity?”

  She rose to a stand, grabbing her purse off the table in a huff. “And here I came to offer my help on your pathetic work.”

  And the Oscar goes to . . . .

  “Speaking of negativity, where’s the ever-so-pleasant Piper Lovelace? Usually I’m hit with an award winning number of personal attacks by now.”

  “Lika Dicks!” Piper said, arriving right on cue. “How’s my favorite bimbo today?”

  She put her coffee cup on the table and took her seat, smiling up at Lila. “Actually, I’m glad you’re here. I wanted to let you know that if you need any help with that student organization booth during Welcome Week, I would be happy to be of service.”

  I raised a brow. The only service Piper had ever performed was community, and that had been for breaking into the campus pool to go skinny-dipping with some guy. She had to be setting Lila up for something.

  Lila’s expression showed she had the same suspicions. “Really?”

  “Absolutely,” Piper said, nodding.

  She looked so genuine I found myself wondering if she really was considering helping.

  “Okay, great.” Lila took a pen and notebook from her Louis Vuitton bag. “Which booth would you like to help with? Are you interested in the Republican Leading Ladies or the Chicks of Future America?”

  Piper took a long sip of her coffee as she seemed to give the question honest consideration. She put down her cup casually, then added cream, scraping her spoon on the bottom of the cup with every stir. Taking a napkin off the table, she made sure every drop of liquid was completely removed from her spoon. After she was done, she folded up the dirty napkin and placed the utensil meticulously in its center.

  If she went to all this trouble, she must be brewing up something special. I drew in closer as to not miss a beat.

  “Oh, just put me wherever you need me. Except your booth, of course, because The Blowjob Student Union is a one-woman show, right? I truly admire how you’ve worked so tirelessly to make sure every guy on campus benefits from your services. It’s all about uniting the community, right?” Piper beamed.

  I hacked a breath, almost choking on the piece of brownie in my mouth. I couldn’t have been prouder to have this girl as my best friend.

  Lila snapped her notebook shut and thrust out her chin. “Okay, I’m outta here.”

  “Wait a sec, Lila,” I said, trying to minimize my laughter. “Did you get the letter about our schedule change?” One unfortunate thing about being an art major alongside Lila Nix was we shared the same classes pretty often. We both happened to be buying our textbooks books at the same time last week and were rudely awakened to yet another schedule similarity. And the odds of us both choosing Zoology for our science elective . . . ? Slim to none. But, of course, we managed to do it. It was like the universe had it out for us.

  She glowered down at me. “I did. What of it?”

  “Are you staying in Professor James’ class?”

  “I don’t see how that concerns you, but I’m taking a class with Pondensky, instead.” She spun around, her platinum extensions whirling as she left. Her black and tan checkered scarf barely cleared the door as she exited.

  Piper laughed into her coffee, looking at me expectantly. “Come on, say it.”

  I may have made it a point not to stroke her already huge ego, but I was woman enough to give credit where credit was due.

  “You are a rock star.” I gave her a light round of applause. “You had me going there for a second. I honestly couldn’t tell if you were being serious or not.”

  Piper made a face. “Me at Welcome Week? They should be so lucky.” She looked at the door Lila just exited through. “You know, I should have a t-shirt made for her: The Blowjob Student Union – A Plastic Army of One.”

  I laughed. “You do that, and I’ll deliver it personally.” I shook her hand.

  “It’s a deal. So about our schedule . . . .”

  “I think we’ve already got the answer to that. We’re staying in Zoology.” Sure, I’d have haul ass across campus to make it to my next lecture every day, but the trek was worth it to avoid Lila Nix.

  “Works for me.” Piper scratched her chin. “Hmm, I wonder where I can get a t-shirt made?”

  I was about to suggest the campus print shop, but I was distracted by a sudden prickling sensation I felt on the back of my scalp. I rubbed the back of my head and turned to scan the café, but nothing struck me as out of the ordinary. Shrugging it off, I tried to focus on what Piper was saying, but the feeling that we were just being watched wouldn’t go away.

 

 

 
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