What We Want

by Eliott Griffen

  “No, Rob, don’t say that. We didn’t think, man. We’re sorry,” Zach offered. He put his hand on Rob’s shoulder, but hesitated to hug him again. That would be too forward.

  “We’re sorry. We can leave as soon as they bring Gerry here.” Marge patted his shoulder. “They should be out soon.”

  “It’s OK, really. I’m fine now. Oh, there they are...”

  Through the sliding door came Gerry in a wheelchair with a drunken smile. A young nurse pushed her while a short middle-aged doctor in blue scrubs and white coat followed them.

  “I can walk with a crutch. You don’t have to push me around,” Gerry whined.

  “Come on, Gerry, just a bit longer,” the doctor said. “Hi everyone. I’m Dr. Berns.”

  “Hey, Doc.” Zach tried to smile, but Rob’s scent and the impossibility of another hug lingered in the air. He couldn’t muster up the strength to be polite. “Give us the verdict.”

  Doctor scribbled something and gave the file to the nurse.

  “So, as for the break, it was a clean one and there was no problem fixing it. She will be in pain, but we gave her some nice drugs now,” he smiled at Gerry, “and a prescription for later. As for her recovery, it will be dicey.”

  Air whooshed out of Zach’s lungs.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well Gerry has osteoporosis, which means that her bones are disintegrating and even with therapy it will take longer than usual for them to grow back together.” He turned to Gerry again. “You will see your physician at home. He will send you to physical therapy and prescribe you medication for osteoporosis. But you must have someone to take care of you. You can’t put pressure on your leg. I don’t want to hear about you getting worse because you wouldn’t listen. You hear me?”

  “Yes, sir!” Gerry saluted him.

  “I’m not joking, young lady!”

  “Oh, honey... if only circumstances were different...” Gerry smiled dreamily. “We could have been so happy...”

  Chapter 8

  Rob and Zach helped Gerry get into the house and on the sofa. Marge brought every pillow and blanket she could find to make a nest for Gerry and tuck her in. They were mumbling and whispering while Zach walked Rob to the front door.

  “I should apologize to you again,” Zach said.

  “What?! You?” Rob stared at him. “No, no, I’m sorry. I should have seen it coming, and I didn’t.” His smile was sad. “Guess I’m not the best company for the doctor’s visits.”

  “No, Rob. You were great.” Rob needed him today, and the feeling was... Zach rarely felt needed and it was strangely empowering.

  Rob’s perfect old-fashioned haircut was ruined from pulling and pushing his fingers through it. His clothes were creased from sitting too long. He’s beautiful.

  “I’m going home; I think I’m going to lie down. I’m tired.”

  “You do that.” I would hold you while you’re sleeping.

  Yeah, Zach, that’s not creepy at all.

  “Will you come later?” Rob asked. He quickly looked away. “If you can, I mean, if you don’t mind—”

  “Yes, I’ll come by later. I’ll bring us some snacks.” He’s so lost and I want to hold his hand. I’m so fucked.

  Rob turned without a word and walked down the path.

  Zach closed the door and leaned his forehead on the cold glass. This is getting beyond the physical. This is dangerous. And I can’t fight it.

  He pushed himself of the door and went into the kitchen.

  “Do you want a sandwich?” Marge asked as she opened the fridge.

  “Yes, I’m hungry.” Zach pulled out the chair and sat down. “Mom, what are we going to do? Gerry can’t be on her own now.” He slouched and sighed. Everything was crashing down on him.

  “I know. I’ve been thinking about it all day.” Marge put ham and cheese on the kitchen island. “We need to make a few decisions, Zach.” She took bread out of the cupboard and arranged slices for assembling.

  “Do you have anything in mind? I’m pulling a blank right now.” Zach took half of it from her and continued assembling.

  “As a matter of fact, I do. But...” She looked at her hands then back at Zach. “Please hear me out before you explode.”

  What now?!

  “Go on...” Knowing his mother, this was time to be cautious.

  “Well, since you don’t want to move back home,” she looked at him through her eyelashes, “and you’ve talked about the possibility of going to Hong Kong for a year, I’ve decided to sell the house.”

  “Mom, it’s your home...”

  “No honey, it’s just a house. Now that it’s empty, I wouldn’t be happy here.” She spread mustard on a slice of bread. “Gerry has a big enough house for both of us and she’s invited me many times these past few months. So, I will sell and move there with her.”

  “Wow... I did not see that one coming.” Zach took a step back.

  “Are you mad?” Marge was worried now.

  “No! No, Mom. I’m just surprised, that’s all.”

  “Come on, let's get these sandwiches and tea to the living room and we’ll see what Gerry has to say.”

  “What’s with the long faces?” Gerry asked when they came to the living room.

  “We have some decisions to make, Geraldine.” Marge said.

  “Ooh! Geraldine? That’s not ominous, like at all...”

  “Oh, shut up!”

  “K. Wassup?”

  “I will take you up on your offer.” Marge sat next to Gerry on the couch.

  “What’s that?” Gerry pulled herself slowly into a sitting position.

  “I'll sell the house and move in with you.”

  Gerry sighed and scratched her head. “Don’t you think we should, like, go on at least two dates first?”

  Marge threw her hands in the air. “We’ve been dating for months now, and we’ve been living together for the last two weeks. I think it's time we make it official. Whaddaya think?” Marge waggled her eyebrows and winked at Gerry.

  “Good God!” Zach shook his head.

  “I think you’re right! But no proposals and all that shit. I’m too young to be tied down.” Gerry patted her hair.

  “Yeah, I think I’m not the marrying type anymore.” Marge took a sip of her tea and crossed her legs.

  “Someone, please, shoot me now!” Zach moaned.

  “Calm your tits!” Gerry waved Zach off. “Seriously,” she turned to Marge. “You would do that? You’re not obligated—”

  “Yes, seriously. I know I’m not obligated, but Gerry, you are my best friend since college. And I don’t want to stay here alone.” She put her hand on Gerry’s knee. “Zach doesn’t want to move back, George is gone, and... I don’t think I know how to live alone.”

  “Mom, I—”

  “No, honey, don’t. I’m not trying to manipulate you to leave your life and come to live with me. I never wanted that. You never understood what I meant.” Marge looked crestfallen.

  “I think I’m happy enough in New York.” Please Mom don’t start another screaming match.

  “And there’s the problem.” Marge smiled through tears.

  “What do you mean?” Zach couldn’t bear the sight of her tears. He wanted to protect her, he always did. That’s why he never told her what his father did. He couldn’t survive her pain if she knew the true extent of his father’s hate towards him.

  “I don’t want you to be happy enough. I want you to be stupid happy, insanely happy, so happy you don’t know what to do with it. I want you to wake up every morning with a huge smile on your face, to go to bed every night thinking nothing can top this day, and then the next day to surprise you with even more happiness. And I want you to have someone to share all that with. A man who knows what a treasure you are.” She sniffed and wiped her tears. “I want you to be more than happy enough.”

  “You’re making me cry, Mom.” That will never happen, Mom. I want it so bad, but it’s impossible.
<
br />   Zach’s heart was bleeding. The starting gun had gone off in this exact room and he had been running ever since. He was running a race without a finish line and he was tired. But to rest would mean to trust, and every time he trusted someone, he ended up broken.

  Marge knelt in front of him and took his face in her hands.

  “Oh, honey, I love you. I will always love you, no matter what. You know that. And I want the best possible life for you.” She kissed his forehead and eyes, with one last kiss on his nose.

  “I love you too, Mom.”

  “I’m dying here.” Gerry choked from making gagging noises. “Mushy overload alert!”

  “Oh, shut up!” Zach and Marge jumped on her.

  “Ouch! My leg is broken, you know?” Zach tickled her until she slapped him.

  “So, we are all OK with this plan?” Marge smacked him.

  “Yeah, I guess you can come with me...” Marge pinched Gerry’s thigh. “Hey!”

  “There are some things that needs to be done around the house,” Marge said looking at Zach. “Some small repairs, repainting and stuff.”

  “I can do that,” Zach agreed.

  “When do you need to be back in New York?” Gerry asked.

  “For work, not until August. School found a replacement for me, so they won’t need me before the start of the next school year.”

  “Then, I can pack the necessary stuff and bring it with me when we leave. As for the rest, Zach can hire a U-Haul and ship it to me.” Marge was definitely in planning Mom mode.

  “That’s fine with me,” Gerry said.

  “OK, drink your tea. We start packing today.”

  Chapter 9

  “OK, I think that’s everything packed.” Marge crammed the last bag in the trunk and shut it.

  “I’ve talked to Miranda and she will be in touch with you.”

  “Does it really have to be her? Really?” Zach was still annoyed by the fact that real estate agent was the person who always made him gag.

  “She is a friend. Be nice to her.”

  “Haven’t I always been? Even though...”

  “You won’t see much of her, so it will not be a problem. She’ll get it done, she’s the best real-estate agent in Providence,” Marge said. “Call me when you pack everything.”

  “Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll send everything else in a couple of days. Boxes will be in the garage, so they won’t interfere with repairs.”

  “Oh, honey. I’ll miss you...”

  “I’ll miss you too, Mom. I’ll come see you when I finalize the sale of the house. And who knows, maybe we can go on some short trip or something?” Zach would not cry now, not in front of Rob.

  “That would be great! Well, I hope it sells soon.” She hugged Zach and turned to Rob.

  “Rob, thank you.”

  “There is nothing to—” She took his hand.

  “No, there is. You have been a great neighbor and a friend.” She cupped his cheek. “You helped me a lot, really. I hope we stay in touch.”

  Rob blushed and stared at ground.

  “Of course we will, Marge. You can always come for a visit, and we’ve been talking about me coming to see New Haven. Gerry said she’ll take me sightseeing.” He tried to smile, but it was more of an embarrassed grimace.

  “I will, as soon as I take this damn boot of my leg!” Gerry grumbled. “I promise.”

  “Then everything is settled. You should go now, you don’t want to get stuck in the traffic.” Rob gently guided her toward the car.

  “Oh, yes, traffic. Let’s go Gerry!”

  “I’ve been waiting for you for the last two hours, while you kissed the boys ‘one more time,’” Gerry mocked her. “I already got my hugs.” She winked at Rob and he blushed.

  “Oh, that reminds me. Zach, come give your mother a kiss.” Marge grinned and hugged her son one more time.

  “Rob, don’t just stand there!” She pulled him in for a hug and kissed his cheek. He was so red, Zach thought he would combust.

  “Now we can go!” She got behind the wheel and started the car.

  “Call me when you get there, Mom. And please be careful.” Zach put his hand on the car roof.

  “Don’t worry, sweetie.”

  “See you soon.” He knocked on the metal.

  The car backed from the driveway and turned on to the street. His mother honked once, before she turned around the corner and they were gone. Cold March air seeped through him and made him shiver from head to toe. For a full minute, Zach said nothing. Another chapter of his life was over. His childhood home wasn’t his any longer. His mother went to live with her best friend. And he was alone with Rob.

  God, Zach, you’re pathetic. Wake up.

  “Thank God, that’s done.” Zach said. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad she’ll be happy with Gerry. But I’m exhausted from all directions she gave me over the last week.” His smile clearly said he didn’t mind. “She does that always, but with this move she went into overdrive.”

  Rob laughed and Zach turned to look at him. Smiling eyes made him shiver once again. The face that haunted his dreams, the eyes that spoke to him things he never thought he would want to hear. His palms itched and breath burned; he was drowning in want.

  I’m in so much trouble.

  “She’s a mom. They all do that. Even though she knows she taught you to exist on your own, she will still see you as a baby.” Rob shrugged and smiled. “It’s a mom's job.”

  It would be so much easier to be near you with other people around. What am I going to do now?

  “What do we do now?” Zach pushed his hands in his pockets and turned to the house.

  “Now.” Rob put his arm over Zach’s shoulders and pushed him gently toward the sidewalk.

  “Now my friend, we will have a drink in peace.”

  Rob's backyard was a jungle. Plain and simple. There was no other word for it. You couldn’t really see it from Zach’s house with all the trees hiding it, but from Rob’s porch view was incredible. Plants that Zach had never even seen before painted everything in wild colors. Even this time of year, red, purple, orange, and yellow were interspersed through every imaginable shade of green. From the porch stairs, there was a stone path that went to the middle of the yard. There, Rob left a space for a gazebo. He said he planned to build it this year. It would be beautiful.

  I will not be here for that.

  The porch was wide enough for an entire set of living room furniture, a loveseat, and three big comfortable padded chairs. Rob made custom shutters and put in a space heater, so it was possible to enjoy it even in the winter.

  “Enjoying the view?”

  Zach jumped at the sound of Rob’s voice.

  “Man, this is Eden. You did a great job with it,” Zach said, taking a beer from Rob, “How much time do you spend working on it on average?”

  “Not so much anymore. When I first built it, it was a full-time job. Now it’s just maintenance. I did a lot in the first two years I moved here.”

  “It’s a beautiful house.” Zach turned around. “On the smaller side, but beautiful nonetheless. You did a great job.”

  Rob smiled, pride clear in his eyes. Zach was already conditioned to return that smile, and he would keep returning it if only...

  Don’t sigh, Zachary. Don’t be an idiot.

  “This is the perfect house for me. I owned a colonial-style house in Scarsdale. Seven bedrooms, six baths, a three-car garage. It was fancy, with all the bells and whistles.” He shook his head. “It was too much, even for the three of us. When Rachel and Amy died, I sold it as soon as possible. I couldn’t live there. Because of the memories, but also because it was unnecessarily big.”

  Zach admired Rob. Surviving such a huge loss and continuing with your life was something he didn’t think he could do. To lose everything and stay sane. He shivered, cold seeping into his bones. Zach itched to hug him, but straight men weren’t big on hugging. Besides, holding him close was becoming hard for Zach. L
etting him go even harder.

  “Yeah, I can’t imagine living in a house that big. Probably bigger than my building,” Zach said.

  “You live in an apartment, right?”

  “Yes, Carson and I live in this cute two-bedroom apartment in the East Village. In one of those old brick buildings near Tompkins Square Park.”

  “Yeah, I know that neighborhood,” Rob said. “So, you and Carson have been together long?”

  “What?!” Zach looked at Rob and then laughed. “Oh, you think we’re... no. No, no, no, no. God, not in a million years!”

  “I’m sorry. Everyone was talking about him like he’s part of the family and I thought—”

  “No, I get it. I’m sorry I laughed, but if you knew Car you would understand.” He chuckled. “Just no.” He took a sip of his beer. “We met after college. We were both in tough and complicated situations, so we clicked immediately, like long-lost brothers. Like family. You know, chosen family. We’re only friends. Otherwise, there would be blood for sure. No, there was never, ever anything between us. He really is a brother to me.”

  “Tough situations?” Rob looked at him and then looked away. “Sorry, none of my business.”

  “I can tell you all about mine; it’s not a secret, but I’ll need more of these.” He pointed at the beer bottle. “As for Carson, that is his story to tell.”

  “Of course. Do you want another beer?”

  “Sure.”

  Rob took the empty bottle from him and went to the house.

  Zach shifted in his chair. When he first saw Rob, he thought it was just a simple attraction in a totally inappropriate moment. But over the past two weeks he realized that there is nothing simple about it. He saw Rob constantly, coming and going. Rob was a part of this place now, and he was the odd one. Suddenly, wish to belong in this neighborhood again confused him.

  I can’t afford these feelings.

  “Here you go.” Rob gave him the bottle and their fingers touched.

  “So, you sold your big house and moved here?” Change the subject and try to act normal.