What We Want

by Eliott Griffen

  “Is everything OK, Rob?”

  “What?” His head shot up. “Yes, everything is fine.” He glanced at the door. “Well, I’ll leave you to that. I have to go now.”

  “We can have dinner tomorrow.” Why did I say that? When will I learn?

  “It’s fine, we’ll talk. See you around. Have a good time on your date.” And then he was out the door.

  “Thanks...” Zach stood there not knowing what to think.

  Chapter 17

  Where did the hours go?

  Rob was still sitting in the same spot, his living room shrouded in darkness. The movie had ended long ago. He pushed the button on the remote and TV slid back into the ceiling. His eyes burned as he stared at the wall.

  He’s on a date. He’s on a date with another man. A man that is not me. How could I be so stupid? All this time I’ve spent crushing on him and I didn’t even realize it.

  Rob got up from the sofa and started pacing.

  Since when am I gay? I never wanted a man. I was married for Christ’s sake! But Zach...

  He pulled on his hair. Nothing was making sense anymore.

  Then I must be bisexual, or pansexual, or something-sexual that involves not knowing WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT UNTIL IT’S TOO LATE!

  Rob’s skin itched, and he wanted to scratch it off of his bones.

  God, when he said he was going on a date with another guy...

  His heart was beating so fast his ribs vibrated. I feel like he’s already mine. And he’s not. And now he probably never will be. Why was I so stupid?!

  He slapped the wall and ignored the burning of his palm. He went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. Then closed it.

  Can I fix this? I have to fix this. I have to tell him. He snorted. Like he’s going to believe me. ‘Hey Zach, guess what’s new? I’m into penises now. Only yours though, but hey...’

  Penis! What am I going to do with a penis? A penis that is not mine. Is that... no! Reverse.

  He picked up a muffin from the box and took a bite.

  No. I need a plan. Yup. I need a foolproof plan.

  He put the muffin back in the box. Meow was looking at him from the window bench.

  Even the cat thinks I’m crazy. He made another circle around the kitchen. But I will make this work. I have to. We will work together, so there’s my chance.

  He walked back to the living room.

  But what about this David guy? What if they start a relationship, move in together, get a dog, adopt a kid? What if...

  Focus.

  Can I break up this relationship? God, I’m going crazy...

  Headlights crossed his window, and he stopped pacing.

  He’s home. I need to go and see what happened. Now. Go.

  Rob grabbed his jacket and went out through the back door. He didn’t mean to sneak around, but it was dark and all the foliage in his backyard gave him enough shadows to move through. OK, maybe he did want to sneak around. By the time he reached the tree beside the front porch of Zach’s house, Zach and David were standing on the highest step. Rob couldn’t tear his eyes away.

  Zach reached behind David’s head and pulled him in, inch by agonizing inch. He cocked his head and took David’s lips in a kiss.

  Rob watched it like a train wreck, a slow-motion train wreck you couldn’t stop watching. A train wreck you knew would pull your insides out, but you couldn’t look away, couldn’t blink.

  His chest was ripping apart. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t swallow. His heart shattered into million pieces. He hugged the tree so he could stay upright, but there was no point as his knees hit the ground.

  Rob got up, stumbled, and turned away. Home. Get home. Now. He couldn’t fall apart here. What if they saw him? No. Home. Get home. Now. Die. Home...

  Chapter 18

  Zach slowly lifted his head from the soft lips and breathed in.

  “Anything?” he whispered.

  “Not a thing,” David answered.

  “Good.” Zach laughed. “Let’s get in.” He turned and unlocked the door. “Do you want coffee? Or wine?”

  “Coffee is fine.” David went into the living room. “You’re still packing?” he asked perusing the boxes.

  “No, I prepped the room for painting.” Zach came into the room carrying two steaming mugs. “The real-estate agent Marge hired is crazy. I need to paint living room and kitchen before I call her. I must talk to Mom about that; if we continue like this house won’t be sold until the end of this century.”

  “So, you are going back to New York. Nothing here to keep you?”

  Zach looked at David. He was attractive, in a boy next door kind of way. He still had his flaming ginger hair, but if Zach had to guess, most men fell for his beautiful moss green eyes. He never saw that green on another person. Another person with green eyes...

  “No.” He’s not keeping me here.

  “You know, for years I thought I let my one get away,” David said.

  “But?” I can’t do this. I can’t use David to get Rob out of my system. It wouldn’t work, anyway.

  “Yes, I had this... fantasy, I guess.” David put down his cup. “I thought you were my unicorn.”

  What?

  “I-I... huh?”

  “Relax. I don’t think that anymore.” David laughed.

  “Oh, God...”

  “Yeah, so this whole thing with the kiss is kinda anticlimactic, you know?” David rubbed his chin. “But it’s OK. At least now I know.”

  “I’m sorry.” Zach sat beside him and hugged him.

  “No, don’t be. It really is fine.”

  “I didn’t know...”

  “How could you? You left and you never came back.” David got up and went to the window. “I used to dream of you, a lot. And I was so excited about this date.”

  “David, listen...”

  “No, you listen to me.” David turned. “I was often angry with you for leaving, thinking you took my chance at happiness with you, but I mostly missed my friend. That is why I’m glad things turned out this way. I can look for happiness elsewhere and I got my old friend back.”

  “I’m glad to have you back in my life, too.”

  “Well, I am glad we sorted this out. Now that we are friends again, we can talk about what is wrong with this picture.”

  “What is wrong?”

  “You. You are taken.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “To you, this was just two friends out to dinner. At first you thought about it as a date, I saw that. Then your heart took over.”

  “I don’t understand.” What is going on here?

  “You came thinking ‘Hey, maybe we could hook up, have some fun,’ but then you forgot. Your heart wasn’t in it. Because it already belongs to someone else.”

  “Now, wait a minute—”

  “Even a blind man could see it!”

  “But...” Zach pushed his fingers through his hair and looked down. Was he really that transparent? Was it obvious to everyone? Oh, God! Did Rob see me panting after him?

  “I don’t want to hook up with you. I want a relationship, a husband someday. I was your friend and I will be your friend in the future, but...” He sat back on the sofa. “I never wanted to get attached to someone who is emotionally unavailable.”

  Zach’s head shot up and David looked him in the eyes.

  “You, my man, are a goner. For some lucky man and that man is not me.” David sipped his coffee, lines etched in his forehead. “Is it serious, or are you on a break?” He scrunched up his face. “I hate that expression.”

  “You’ve got it all wrong, man.” Zach slumped in his chair. “I told you I’m single. There is no one in New York or here.”

  “Zach, I want to be your friend,” David sighed. “So, it would be nice if you stopped lying to me. And to yourself for that matter.”

  “Look...” He had to come clean. “Shit.”

  “Exactly.” David nodded.

  “It’s complicated.�
�

  “It always is.” He shrugged.

  “You don’t understand.” Zach shook his head. “It will never happen.”

  “Why not?”

  “He’s straight.”

  “Oh, Zach...are you crazy?!” David knelt in front of him. “How did that happen?”

  “I didn’t want it to happen. It just did.” His voice was shaking, and he hated it.

  “Who is he?”

  “Marge’s neighbor. We’ve gotten close since I came back for the funeral. It’s so easy to talk to him. Or not talk at all. We fit like pieces of a puzzle. He’s everything I ever dreamed about.”

  “Oh, no...” David whispered.

  “After so many years of searching and running away, he’s the person that is mine, the person I feel without words. He’s my other half, and he doesn’t have a clue.”

  David sighed and scratched his head.

  “Are you sure he’s straight?”

  “He was married, and he had a kid.”

  “He wouldn’t be the first to marry and stay in the closet.”

  “I think I’m positive he’s straight. My gaydar never once pinged. He’s just not into me.” No matter how much I want him to be.

  “You’re too close. You wouldn’t notice the sign if it smashed your head. He could be bi, or pan... there are options. Maybe if you told him...”

  “No, I can’t go through that humiliation. I like him too much to risk open rejection. If I told him and he got angry with me, I would lose him even as a friend.” Zach looked David in the eyes. “I couldn’t survive the hate.”

  “Whatever you want.” David shrugged and sat back on the sofa.

  “No, David, I don’t want to be silent and mope around. I don’t want to see him and not be able to touch him. I don’t want to break my own heart by leaving, and I certainly don’t want to stay and watch him date someone else.”

  “What do you want?”

  “I want him. Every day for the rest of my life. Any way I can get him. What I want is for him to be my forever.”

  “Then tell him. You will never be happy if you don’t tell him.”

  “But what if I lose him?”

  “But what if you get him?”

  Chapter 19

  Rob was shaking like crazy. Faint moonlight was coming through the window and he wished for blackout curtains. He punched the pillow again and pulled the cover over his head. The hole in his heart kept getting bigger. Eyes squeezed shut in the total dark, he was reliving the kiss. He punched the pillow again.

  Those lips were supposed to be mine. Those hands should hug me.

  Rob threw the pillow across the room. Meow jumped from the bed and ran from the room.

  Hello there, stupid. How many chances have you missed? Now you have to let him go.

  He stared at the emptiness of the dark room. Moments with Zach went through his mind. Blink and Zach smiling at him. Blink and Zach holding him together during his panic attack. Blink and stormy gray eyes looking at him. The eyes that saw him, really saw him. The person that could have made him happy. If only he’d pulled his head out of his ass in time. What now?

  He’s young, what in the world would he want with me? We would have a few years tops until he would realize that he’s got better options. And then he would leave me. A sob escaped him. Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe this is how it was meant to be. It certainly is safer.

  All the love Rob had been holding since Rachel died was suddenly suffocating him. He realized in that moment that he had really been waiting for someone to give it to. He wasn’t born to be alone. He would always, always grieve his beautiful girls; he would love them till his last breath. Nothing could ever change that. But he’d changed once more. Stupid.

  He knew what he wanted.

  I want him. Not just someone. Him. Zachary Steel, with his beautiful eyes and the amazing soul behind them.

  And I lost him.

  Chapter 20

  Ugh, morning.

  Rob turned his face under the pillow and shuddered. Did last night really happen? Realization slammed in to his body. Again. He had ten seconds of blessed ignorance until he remembered.

  God, please, not again. I’m not strong enough. I can’t handle this for the second time.

  He sat up.

  Everything dies around me.

  He tipped toed out of the bed and glanced through the window. Rain.

  He’s alive, but any chance I had with him died.

  Rob had to push himself through the shower, and breakfast was exhausting. As he picked up his cup of coffee and walked out to the back porch, he was already tired. Meow was rubbing himself against Rob’s leg, so he picked him up and put the cat on his lap. Rain kept falling, and it gave a nice backdrop to his mood.

  The backdoor on the house next door squealed and slammed. Rob turned in his seat.

  “Hey, neighbor!” Zach said. He stood on his own porch holding a mug and smiling. That morning smile is my favorite thing in the world.

  “Hey, neighbor,” Rob replied. A rock in his throat choked him and he couldn’t swallow around it. That smile punched him straight in the gut. Zach left his porch and went through the hole in the hedge.

  “You don’t look so good, sorry to say.” Zach’s smile dimmed a little.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Bad night?” Zach came to a stop in front of him. “Can I help you somehow?” He sat across from Rob.

  Can you help me? I... you... ugh... yes, please.

  “No need, Zach. Everything is fine.” He looked at the garden in an attempt to hide his eyes from Zach. He couldn’t allow him to see how pathetic he was.

  He’s smiling, that must mean the date went well. Duh! They went into Zach’s house last night. I didn’t see when David left. They must have had sex. Oh, God! Why did I think of that now?! He couldn’t start hyperventilating.

  Focus.

  Images of Zach and David in throes of passion filled his vision.

  Stop it! Now! He looked at Zach, then looked away again.

  “So, you’re chipper. I guess that means date went well?”

  What are you doing?!?!

  “Yeah, the date was great! We went to this great restaurant downtown, and the lobster was delicious.”

  Who cares about the food?

  “David is really a great guy.”

  Rob almost snorted out loud. I can imagine. That lucky little shit.

  “We reconnected immediately. Like there wasn’t more than a decade since we last saw each other. It was great.”

  Oh, noooo... why did I ask? I can’t listen to this...

  “So, it was a good date.” Rob tried to end the conversation.

  “Mhm...” Zach sipped his coffee and Rob couldn’t read him with half of his face hidden behind the mug.

  “We came here after,” Zach continued. “But it didn’t end the way we thought it would.”

  What?

  “It didn’t?”

  “No, I mean we kissed...”

  I know that. I saw that. That broke my heart....

  “But there really wasn’t anything there. So, we called it quits.”

  Wait! What?!

  “What?!”

  “Well, David is a great guy—”

  “Yes, we’ve established that.” Shut up, Robert! “Sorry...”

  “As I was saying,” Zach looked at him warily. “He’s a good man, just not for me. There was nothing there. No chemistry, nothing.”

  “No chemistry?” Rob closed his mouth, swallowing the scream of joy.

  “Well, I know straight people think that all gay men do is have an endless amount of sex with every available person, but...”

  “I didn’t say that.” I’m available.

  “We do, but not all of us and not all the time. It gets old after a while.” Zach sighed. “I had that after I moved to New York. It was fun. Until it wasn’t.”

  “I understand.”

  “Do you?” Zach’s stern look hurt him. “I co
uld hook up with David. I could go out and find a guy or two for the night—”

  “Two?” God, Robert, please shut your fucking mouth...

  “Yes.” Zach stared at him for a moment. “Though, I’m not a fan of threesomes. There is always a leg in the way.”

  What... how... ooh!

  “Oh.”

  “Anyway, I had my fun. I want something more now.”

  “Like marriage?”

  “Well, yeah. I want to get married, eventually.” Zach finished his coffee. “I would like to meet a nice man, a gay man, and settle.” A strange expression went over Zach’s face.

  “I get it.”

  “I doubt that. What about you?”

  “I never really thought about it.” Marriage? Would I do it again?

  “That’s understandable.”

  “If you’d asked me a couple of months ago, I would have said no, never again. But now, honestly, I don’t know what to say.”

  “Fair enough.” Zach got up and ready to leave. “Are we still on for painting the living room?”

  “Of course. Have you packed everything?”

  “Yeah, so we could go and buy some paint today.”

  “Sure.”

  “See you later, then.” Zach waved at him and he was gone.

  Rob rubbed his mouth and got up himself. As he walked into the house, his heart was beating so fast he thought he would burst.

  Nothing happened. Nothing. I panicked for nothing.

  His relief was palpable, but he couldn't relax just yet.

  I have to keep a promise to myself. I have to fix this. He will be mine.

  Chapter 21

  Zach stared at the empty living room. Everything had been taken out or moved out of the way. These mindless tasks were what he did best lately. He had cerebral function for one thing and one thing only. Rob.

  He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but something was wrong with Rob today. Sure, he was still quirky and sometimes awkward, but that’s who he was. Zach loved that about him. He was what Zach spent years looking for. And he couldn’t touch him.

  When he saw him that first day, he thought Rob was hot. He’d thought that was it. Most physical attractions were curable with getting off. Some required more than once, but this was not just physical attraction.