Whispering Nickel Idols gf-11

by Glen Cook

  “This feels good,” I told Eleanor. “I could just lean back with a lapful of cats and nap the afternoon away.” Then I’d go out tonight because I couldn’t sleep. Somebody would tell Tinnie Tate, who thinks she has a claim on me. And does. And vice versa. But I’ve got the worst case of Retarded Commitment Capacity Syndrome west of Morley Dotes. Morley being of international-competitor status.

  Eleanor’s disapproval pattered down like an iron rain. I needed to do three things. See Harvester Temisk. Visit the Bledsoe. And catch Penny Dreadful. While dodging Relway thugs and large men in hideous pants.

  It sounded like the sappers had brought up a battering ram. The door remained stubborn.

  I might be betting to an inside straight, but I couldn’t see Relway not responding if the Ugly Pants Gang stuck around long.

  His top men would be out there keeping an eye on my place.

  “I’m going to try to get Old Bones to bestir himself. Again.”

  Eleanor’s attitude was suitably discouraging.

  “If I have to, I’ll fill his room up with cranky old women.”

  The Dead Man doesn’t have much use for the obstinate sex. And he’s never been pleased that my attitude is the opposite.

  He’s been dead for four hundred years. He’s forgotten all the good stuff.

  Old Bones did exactly what I expected. A whole lot of nothing.

  The assault on my front door faded briefly, resumed as a new villain laid on.

  My pixies ran out of tolerance. A flurry of anger heralded a whir of little wings. It sounded like a full cluster launch.

  I sighed, lit a new bug candle, proceeded to commence to begin out there on my front stoop.

  Muttering like one of those scramble brains who bustle through the streets on grave, unimaginable missions, debating it all with themselves, I went to the peephole. Outside, chaos celebrated the spontaneous self-creation of the deities of disorder of the thousand pantheons that afflict TunFaire.

  Pixies, pixies everywhere, pestering biggies without prejudice.

  Relway’s Runners and their fellow travelers had arrived but were waiting to see what developed.

  I offered no evidence that my place was anything but deserted. The Watch knew better, but wouldn’t press the issue.

  Only the Green Pants Gang were dim enough to keep on keeping on. They had to be clueless about the Dead Man.

  I snickered at the prancing big guys as the pixies pestered them. Like a dance number in a musical play about an army field hospital.

  I spotted Dean. The old boy did have sense enough to stand back.

  I spied Penny Dreadful, too, across the street, to the left of and behind Dean. She couldn’t be seen by the big guys unless the one at my door turned and looked for her. She did well at being just another gawker.

  The pixies pricked the big guys enough with their poisoned blades. They began slowing down. They just couldn’t get a handle on the fact that people might keep them from doing whatever they wanted. Ymber must be a strange town.

  Whistles shrieked.

  The Watch moved in.

  They couldn’t wait anymore. My neighbors were getting restless. The Watch couldn’t let the situation deteriorate till witnesses began damaging city property. The property in question being the street itself.

  When a TunFairen crowd gets rowdy it rips up cobblestones for ammunition. A grand brawl can strip an entire neighborhood of its pavements.

  Relway’s boys didn’t have much trouble with the groggy bad guys.

  The villains seemed less numerous when they were laid out like logs ready to be floated off to the mill. There were just four of them.

  Some must have gotten away.

  19

  The next man to hammer on my door was an old acquaintance. And no surprise. Whenever anything interesting happens in my life, Colonel Westman Block turns up drooling official remarks.

  I opened up. “You’re half vulture, aren’t you?” The door wouldn’t swing all the way back. I scowled grimly at its mutilated face.

  Block surprised me. “Bring out your dead.”

  “So what the hell is it now?” I grumbled. “Why’d Relway let those oversize morons go and sic them on me?”

  “You’re a pip, Garrett,” the good colonel assured me. “But you won’t be selling me a bucket of your bullshit this time.”

  “But it’s the good stuff. The only kind I’ve got. If you want a better grade of poo…”

  “Can it. You’ve been mostly straight with me. Meaning I still haven’t caught you in a bald-faced lie. I will, someday. Meantime, I’ll remain confident that you suffer a congenital inability to tell the whole truth.”

  “You want the truth? You can’t-”

  “Save your breath. Let’s go in your office. I’ve been on my feet all day. While you’re walking, make up a good story about why those thugs were trying to bust into your place.”

  “I don’t know. This stuff just happens. It’s like weather to me anymore.”

  “But you have a notion or two, because you’re never as dumb as you make out.”

  “I’m thinking maybe it’s time I moved on. To somewhere where everybody don’t think they know what’s going on inside my head.”

  “Here’s a thought, old friend. Take a barge upriver and set up shop in Ymber.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  “Sure, you do. Those guys are all from Ymber.”

  Being the villain he thought I was, I volunteered nothing. “Uhm?”

  “There are ten of the big, ugly, stupid creeps in green pants, plus two normal-looking management types who run things. We think. We now have nine thugs and one normal clown in custody. It could take time for Deal’s specialists to make them explain themselves, though.”

  So. Relway hadn’t turned anybody loose. He’d staked out my place so he could collect some more ugly pants.

  Colonel Block’s nondescript face presented an expectant expression.

  I saw no reason not to be forthright with the one man able to control Deal Relway. “I’m not real clear on this mess. It’s all Dean’s fault. He brought home this bunch of kittens and the kid who had the cats. I didn’t get a good look at him before he made tracks. Dean has a whole song and dance about priestesses and prophecies. You can squeeze the snot out of him when he turns up, if you want.”

  Block grunted.

  We have that kind of relationship. Half inarticulate noise.

  “You really don’t have any idea? You’ve had part of the herd since yesterday.”

  “They haven’t said much. Yet. They’re too stupid to connect their silence with the pain they’re exposed to.”

  “You’ve got one of the managers. Officer types don’t usually stand up… oops.”

  Block glowered. Being an officer type. “Oops again,” I said. “I get so comfortable with you I forget you aren’t one of my pals from down in the islands.”

  “Move to the country, Garrett. You could fertilize a whole county.”

  I shrugged. “It’s the times we live in.”

  He wasn’t buying what I was selling, even though I was giving it away.

  “I don’t get you, Colonel. I’ve always been straight with you. Ever since Prince Rupert made you the top guy at the Al-Khar. But you never believe me.”

  “Because you never tell the whole truth, only what you think I’ll work out for myself.”

  “So where do we stand?” I asked. “You aren’t half as dumb as you let on, either. You’ve got something on your mind.”

  “Of course I do. But it doesn’t have much to do with those lunatics.”

  “I love how you work to make me glad I was born when I was, in this time and place, when life was never better.”

  “You might fertilize more than one county.”

  “Even so.”

  “Even so, I admit to a passing curiosity about what happened at Whitefield Hall last night.”

  “You and me both, brother. Somebody tried to burn the place down with
me inside.” I gave him a mildly edited story. Certain he knew the basics already. I left out unimportant details like pixies, rat-people, Chodo’s health, and people catching fire. “You can ask all the questions you want. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know what was supposed to happen. I can’t explain what did happen. Despite what you may have heard, I was there only in a professional capacity.”

  “Save the snow, Garrett. I’m just interested in what you picked up about the kingpin.”

  Dirty trick. For sure the man wasn’t as dumb as he looked.

  “I saw him one time, right before the fires started. He was in a wheelchair. He didn’t look healthy. I didn’t hear him say anything. Then the situation went all to hell. Bam! Lamps exploded. Burning oil flew everywhere. I ran like hell.”

  Block wasn’t happy but had no grounds to challenge me. He would’ve been all over me if he had anything. “Was the fire an attempt to get Chodo?”

  “I never thought of that. Let me think about it. Man, it’d have to be somebody who wouldn’t care if he wiped out the whole Combine.”

  Westman Block will grab any angle to nab an advantage. He never reveals all he knows despite deploring the identical attitude on my part. He won’t bore in hard. Giving you the benefit of the doubt. Meaning you can’t ever forget that he’s always handing you yards and yards of just enough rope.

  “No. Chodo wasn’t the target. Not even Relway would wholesale it that way. I do think the fires were started by sorcery. Or something.”

  “There’s no obvious evidence. Experts checked.” Block glared at Eleanor. “There any way I can buy that off you?”

  “Eleanor? No. Why?”

  “It’s haunted. It gives me the creeps. I know a fireplace I’d like it to meet.”

  “Sir, you’re disparaging my first love.” Maybe he didn’t know that story.

  “Where is Chodo now?”

  “I don’t know. Wherever Belinda is, I imagine.”

  “Maybe. And maybe she lost track of him, too.”

  “What?” That couldn’t be. That wouldn’t be good. Especially not for Belinda.

  But she wouldn’t have rolled Chodo out if she hadn’t been sure she had everything under control. Would she?

  “You know where she might be?”

  “At home?”

  “She flew there if she is. She didn’t leave town through the gates.”

  My subversive side urged me to keep him talking. He was letting slip facets of the Watch’s capabilities, both to collect information and to move it. Meaning that Block and Relway had more manpower than was suspected. Which implied that…

  Well, every implication suggests something else. This time the indicators pointed to a possible serious outbreak of law and order.

  Which would stumble once it inconvenienced our more substantial royal subjects. Privilege means private law.

  “You know everything I know, Colonel. Really. I don’t have any interest to protect. Other than my poor front door.”

  “There are rumors about you and Belinda Contague.”

  “I’ve heard. She started them. They aren’t true.” I cocked my head, listening to a voice only I could hear. Like the Dead Man was giving me the razz without including Block. “Yeah. Good point. I’ve got stuff I need to do. Now that I can get out without being eaten by dragons. Dean! Good. You’re home.”

  The old boy had come to the office door. He looked grumpy.

  I said, “You need to get hold of the door guy. Those morons bent the hinges.”

  Dean scowled at Colonel Block, dragged his haul on toward the kitchen. He doesn’t approve of Westman Block. Simply because Block exists in his peculiar professional niche he guarantees that there’s mischief afoot. Dean would prefer a world where the law and order were fixed in place before he arrived.

  Block said, “You’re not going to help me.”

  “I gave you everything I’ve got. Including the news that I don’t have any reason to hold out on you. What more do you want?”

  “I hope that’s true.” He headed for the front door. I followed. He said, “You’re a likable guy, Garrett. I don’t want you to get in so deep we can’t save your ass when the big changes come.”

  “Say what?”

  “The wild era is about over, Garrett. We’ve worked hard to do what Prince Rupert wants done. The rule of law is about to dawn.”

  I had no idea what that was about. It sounded scary.

  I’m a law-and-order guy myself. But I don’t want the people involved interfering in my life.

  I did say, “You’re too optimistic. How bleak a season would it be if your hard-liner secret backers get everything they want?”

  Block beamed. “Wouldn’t that be marvelous?”

  He didn’t get it. And never would. People like him make life inconvenient for the rest of us.

  “You’ll let me know what you find out from those guys, won’t you?”

  “You don’t make me want to do you a lot of favors.”

  “My heart is breaking. Here’s something I really do want to know. How come those idiots wear those stupid green pants?”

  Block chuckled as he slipped outside.

  I closed the door shut easily enough. Fortress Garrett remained sound and inviolate.

  20

  I checked Dead Man. He wasn’t stirring. I told Dean, “I’m going out. I’ve got stuff to do.” I mapped a route in my head. Morley’s place, Temisk’s office, then the Bledsoe to check on the burned woman.

  “You have your stick?”

  “What?” His asking startled me.

  “Shouldn’t you be ready for the worst? Considering recent events?”

  I gawked. That was out of character. But he was right. And didn’t know the half. A lot of bad guys saw me at Whitefield Hall. Some would believe I was hooked up with Belinda.

  I loaded up on self-defense devices, a few enthusiastically disapproved by the city Watch.

  The boys at The Palms weren’t pleased to see me, but they didn’t haul out any cleavers. For a wonder, though, I caught Morley working for the second day in a row.

  “What’s going on?” I asked Puddle. “What’s his problem?”

  Puddle’s face exploded in a big old ugly, broken-tooth grin. “He’s down here getting in da way. He don’t got to be upstairs.”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  “One a dem silver-elf womens is here.”

  I chuckled an evil chuckle. “It took me a long time… Hey, buddy! I came to see what you think about last night.“

  Morley pulled up a chair. “Sit. Puddle, tell Skif we want a pot of tea. The real stuff. My friend doesn’t like weed leaves.”

  “You don’t really drink herb tea, do you?”

  “I serve it. You give the marks what they want. I’ve heard a rumor, says you’ve already had some excitement today.”

  “A double dose. Some Green Pants guys tried to break in. Then Block showed up, wanting to know all about everybody’s business.”

  “And you told him?”

  “The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I don’t know nothing about nothing. He mostly wanted to know what happened to Belinda and Chodo after the party. He didn’t care about the fires, the riot, or the dead men.”

  “Belinda better take care of Chodo. We’re picking up storm warnings. Some of the underbosses are getting ambitious.”

  “Rory Sculdyte?”

  “Teacher White, too.”

  That wasn’t good. Though they do tend to kill only each other. Which Relway would encourage wherever he could. “Figures. They got out alive.”

  “You said the Green Pants Gang hit your place again?”

  “Yes.” Stupid me, I’d been too excited about being able to get out. I hadn’t gotten the promised reports from John Stretch and Melondie Kadare. “Block’s gang has them. He claims he has all but two locked up now. One of those two is following me right now.”

  “We can take care of that.”

  “You might want
to be better prepared than yesterday.”

  “Same guy?”

  “I think so.”

  “Not to worry. Help is on its way. About last night. What happened?”

  “You were there.”

  “I was kitchen help, Garrett. I didn’t see anything.”

  “You saw as much as I did. Probably more. You had a whole crew in there and none of them were blind.”

  “I’m sure it was your fault everything turned weird. Weird things happen when you’re around.”

  “Only because of my unfortunate taste in friends.”

  “You’re a misfortune for anyone who gets close to you. What’s the thing with Block and Chodo?”

  I explained.

  He said, “There was a lot of confusion. Somebody might’ve grabbed Chodo.But you would’ve heard about that from Belinda. She’d want Daddy Garrett to save her again.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Want some advice, Garrett? Stay away from Belinda. No telling how hairy it might get, but she isn’t likely to be the winner.”

  I drank the tea Skif brought. “They’ll be that knee-jerk?”

  Of course they would. The Outfit includes the most old-fashioned people alive. They don’t want a girl running the show.

  I mused, “I wonder, though. Last night fell apart on Belinda, but it didn’t go the way anybody else expected, either. She’s no dummy. And she’s got a big head start.”

  “She remains, still, just a woman.”

  “I’m telling you, don’t underestimate her. Especially if you suddenly notice yourself between her and somebody giving her a hard time.”

  He nodded. I doubt that he meant it. He asked, “Where are you headed from here?”

  “Harvester Temisk’s place. Then the Bledsoe.”

  “You can stand that place?”

  “I don’t hold any grudges.”

  “I mean, it’s the antechamber of one of your most pedestrian human hells. I get the wet-spine creeps just thinking about it. Let alone getting close enough to smell it.“

  I held my tongue. TunFaire’s poor depend entirely on that nightmare establishment for what little medical attention they receive.