Psychology of Seduction

by Jesse James

  Learn from your successes and mistakes

  After every approach, whether successful or not, write down a quick summary of what happened, and what mistakes (if any) you made. Learning from your mistakes is an important factor in building approach Intuition and thereby gaining confidence in your abilities.

  Relax. It’s Just a game

  Take fear out of the equation completely. Seduction is a game. Women know that the bar and nightclub scene is just one big social amusement. Don’t be a nerd who takes the game too seriously. Whether you win or lose, it’s all in fun.

  Practice, Practice, Practice

  Confront your fear over and over and over again. Before you visit bars or clubs, commit to a specific number of cold approaches; ‘Tonight I will approach ten women,’ for example. Make this mental commitment before you leave your house and stick to it. The more you do something, the greater your intuition becomes. After several hundred approaches, you will intuitively know what works and what does not work in a given situation. With greater intuition naturally comes increased confidence.

  Abstract yourself from the evolutionary mating ritual. Are you a peacock or an intelligent human being? Seduction is not about sex. It is a game, much like a video game. The more points you score, the closer you move to the final level – sex. Of course, the first few levels of the game are difficult because you’re new to it. Think: Super Mario Bros. The monsters eat you, whatever. But you start over. You press the little button and your character magically appears on the screen again. Bing, Bang. You keep trying again and again and again until you master the game. Gradually you advance to the higher levels until finally you slay the dragon.

  If you get the trembles on a cold approach, think of yourself as Super Mario. He ain’t afraid of shit.

  Would you find it easier to approach a ‘10’ or a ‘5’? Although seemingly counterintuitive, approaching beautiful women is much easier than approaching average-looking women. Why? Because only men with very high self esteem can muster up the courage to approach a beautiful woman. Since most men do not have the self-esteem required to approach them, extremely good looking women actually receive less attention than their average-looking counterparts.

  Scientists Roberta Baral and Sara Kiesler figured out the connection between approach anxiety and self-esteem in 1970 by administering a fake IQ test to a group of male college students. Researchers told some of the men that they scored outstanding on the test, while informing others that their performance was so poor they couldn’t even count all the mistakes. Ouch. The experimenter then suggested they take a coffee break before the next round of tests. Everyone hustled across the street to a coffee shop for espresso and scones. While the scientists excused themselves on the pretense of making a phone call, their secret research assistant sat down with the men. On some days, she was dressed to the nines – stunningly beautiful. On other days, she looked haggard and ill-attired, wearing heavy glasses, a clashing outfit and hair sloppily pulled back with a rubber band. The assistant noted how much interest the men expressed in her, recording whether he made conversation easily, flirted aggressively, or seemed withdrawn and shy. Did he offer to buy her a coffee? Ask for her number? Propose a date? Scientists discovered that men who were told they aced the IQ test were more likely to aggressively flirt with the good-looking version of the woman, while men who believed they flunked the exam could only summon the courage to interact with the frumpy edition of the assistant. Approach anxiety correlates to a man’s sense of his own self-worth. The higher your self-esteem, the less fear you will experience when approaching women. Because most men have only average self-esteem, beautiful women seldom receive the amount of male attention one would expect based on their stunning looks.212

  TIP: Ask a Woman to Buy You a Drink

  Asking a woman to buy you a drink instantly conveys four critical pieces of information; first, you are not willing to invest in her, so you immediately slot yourself into the ‘casual sex’ category. Second, you are bold and ambitious. Third, you are high status because you don’t need to bid on her sexual resource. And fourth, you are interesting and different, even a little mysterious, because a man rarely asks a beautiful woman to buy him a drink.

  Warning: This technique only works on extremely good-looking women. It is also a high-risk, high-return gambit, and you run the risk of getting schooed away.

  What does all this mean for you? First, anything you can do to raise your self-esteem – working out, making more money, improving yourself – will translate to reduced approach anxiety and smoother seduction. Second, you should approach ‘10s’ rather than ‘7s.’ Receiving less male attention, they will be easier to seduce.

  Average-looking women make poor targets for seduction because they have lower self-esteem. Since self-esteem is directly linked to sex drive in females, these women tend to be less interested in sex.

  Psychologists discovered that how women feel about their bodies directly impacts their self-esteem and influences all aspects of their sexuality. Women with poor body images have lower sex drives and more difficulty becoming aroused, according to sex researcher Cindy Meston. Beautiful women tend to have higher self-confidence and a brighter self-image, rendering them more receptive to sexual advances.

  Don’t be afraid to seduce extremely beautiful women; they usually make easier targets than simply good-looking or above-average females because they receive fewer advances. And if you manage to overcome your fear, opening a conversation with the prettiest girl in the club suggests you have big kahunas. Confidence, we know, is a big turn-on.

  CLINIC: Paul Janka’s Approach

  Hollywood screenwriter Paul Janka is a top-notch pickup artist. Billing himself as ‘New York’s #1 Dating Coach,’ Janka treats seduction with practical precision. We’ve already met Janka briefly in our discussion of Dark Triads.

  He boldly approaches random women on the street with a compliment and an invitation to go out for drinks at some time in the future. We know from David Buss’s attraction studies on a university campus that Janka should experience a 50% success rate with this tactic, and he does.

  On a casual first date, Janka brings up an emotionally-charged topic such as the dating scene itself, allowing the woman to vent her opinions. Janka explains that ‘Women feel unheard and want to express themselves.’ He doesn’t talk about the weather or the recent Yankees game.

  Not long into the date, Janka gently touches the woman’s arm to gauge her level of interest. Does she pull away or lean in closer? If he senses negative vibes at this point, he abruptly cuts the date short to save time and money. If the response is positive, he ratchets up the seduction, using traditional pickup artist techniques to convince her to come back to his apartment. Janka slept with over one hundred women using this simple, straightforward and solid numbers-game strategy.

  Follow Paul Janka’s lead and keep your approach simple, unthreatening. I’ve witnessed all manner of bizarre techniques for the cold approach. These days, everyone is a ‘Pickup Artist Guru,’ spewing ‘expert’ advice on internet forums. Walking down Santa Monica Boulevard a few years ago, I saw a strange looking man in a funny hat leap in front of two girls on the street, throwing his hands wildly in the air, shouting ‘stop! stop!’ I guessed it was some hot new pickup technique he learned online; maybe it worked once and now there’s an epidemic of desperate, nerdy men hopping in front of random women all across America. The two girls made brief smalltalk with the pickup artist, then dished out a phone number on a slip of paper. Woohoo! The ecstatic seducer wandered off, puffed up with success. What girl wouldn’t scribble a phone number, surely fake, on a piece of paper just to get away from such a nutball? But if she throws a dog a bone, don’t expect her to ask if it tastes good or not.

  Body Language and the Approach

  Body language plays a critical role when you first approach a woman. Humans are wired with a ‘loss aversion’ mechanism, which means we naturally fear losses more than we like gains. When we
meet a new person - a stranger - the chance for loss looms larger than the possibility for gain. Strangers are new, mysterious, threatening, uncertain. Our ‘loss aversion’ module kicks in.

  When you meet a new woman, expect her to be cautious of you as a stranger. Your first goal should therefore be to lower her guard, making her comfortable with you. Romantic seduction should only occur after ‘safety’ and ‘liking’ are established. The successful seducer understands how to transition a woman’s initial thoughts from ‘how could he hurt me?’ to ‘how could he benefit me?’

  In the beginning of a social interaction with a new woman, use body language to disarm her ‘loss aversion’ concerns. Slow down your movement and speech. Lean back and away from her, rather than crowding her personal space. Appear open, relaxed, calm and non-threatening.

  After building trust and rapport, you can switch your body language to a more animated style by using more open and broad gestures, faster and energetic movements and speech, and forward-leaning body posture.

  Chapter 13

  Psychological Lovefare

  ‘Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.’

  - Friedrich Nietzsche

  Want a Thin Slice of Love?

  First impressions really do count. According to Malcolm Gladwell in ‘Blink,’ we make rapid intuitive judgments – called ‘thin-slicing’ – within the first few seconds of meeting someone.

  Popularized by Gladwell, the term ‘thin slicing’ was actually coined by Nalini Ambady and Robert Rosenthal. The researchers found that our intuitive judgments of other people tend be fast and accurate, requiring as little as 5 seconds of exposure time.213

  Imagine you are rummaging through a bucket of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters. These are mostly worthless junk, but a few true collectibles are hiding in the bucket, such as a 1916 buffalo nickel. From a distance, the coins in the bucket all look the same - an assortment of junk change. But if you take the time to sort through the mess, examining each coin individually, you might find a precious 1916 buffalo nickel buried under a mountain of worthless 2004 pennies. But who has the time to examine each coin? And that is the point: women just don’t have the time to painstakingly interview each member of the opposite sex. They sort through the ‘junk’ by making quick intuitive judgments about the sexual desirability of each man they encounter.

  After reading ‘Blink’ I became curious about how strongly first impressions influence future relationships. So I did a little digging and uncovered some surprising information. There is a phenomenon in psychology known as the Primacy Effect. According to the Primacy Effect, one’s first impression creates a mental image against which all future impressions of that person are filtered. In plain English: If you make a strong first impression, you can afford to make some future mistakes. But recovering from an initial negative impression proves exceedingly difficult.

  Within the first five seconds of meeting a man, the female brain evaluates his physical appearance, signs of status (clothes, jewelry, etc.), and body language to peg the individual as a ‘winner’ or ‘loser.’ We rapidly intuit one’s rank in the social hierarchy.

  TIP: Make a Stunning First Impression

  Within seconds of meeting you, a woman will determine if you are the type of person she would ever sleep with. She will also slot you into the category of ‘casual sex partner’ or ‘long-term mate.’ Control her impression through your body language, attire, and overall positive energy.

  Five seconds might seem awfully brief, but it’s an eternity for the neocortex. We make judgments about other people almost instantly. Think: ‘gut instinct,’ ‘intuition,’ ‘feelings,’ and ‘hunches.’ Not even perfect seduction technique can overcome a negative first impression, while poor skills can destroy a woman’s initial positive impression. Make a good first impression and follow it up with proper game.

  Millions of neurons in the brain light up like fireworks when you meet someone of the opposite gender. Every interaction represents a mating opportunity; your brain has evolved to miss no chances. Questions buzz through your mind at warp speed: what is she like? Does she seem nice? Is she good? Is she attractive? Is she like someone I know? What is unique about her? What is familiar about her? Does she seem like a threat? Is she confident? Your unconscious mind asks and answers these questions as your intuition ‘thin-slices’ to form a quick mental picture. The result? An intense ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response; you either like the person or you don’t.

  Have you ever been immediately repulsed by someone and not known why? Have you ever been immediately attracted by more than just looks? We depend on our intuition to guide our first impressions because consciously evaluating each person we meet would entail too much energy and effort. It is better if the mating calculus happens subconsciously, somewhere deep down in the brain.

  Perhaps you walked by a woman at a bus stop and your eyes met for a few seconds or you stood beside a beauty in the elevator. Rapid, unconscious, intuitive evaluations occur within seconds. For opposite sex reactions, the neocortex is sizing up mate potential. For same-sex interactions, the brain examines the competition to determine the threat level. Is this someone I would sleep with? Is this someone I should run from?

  Most men think it takes time for women to decide if they want to sleep with them. Not true. A woman knows almost instantly whether she will sleep with a man she meets for the first time. Understanding this simple fact offers the seducer a huge advantage. Adjust your appearance, body language, and signs of status (clothing, jewelry, etc.) to indicate your position at the top of the social hierarchy, becoming a more desirable mate. Your first impression might be your last impression, so put enough effort into your appearance, mannerisms, personality and body language that you always come across as a champion.

  Remember Will Smith in Hitch? He understood the importance of first impressions: ‘One dance, one look, one kiss, that’s all we get … one shot, to make the difference between ‘happily ever after’ and ‘Oh? He’s just some guy I went to some thing with once.’

  In yet another blow to ‘nice guys,’ a recent study found that women find narcissists more attractive because they make a positive first impression. Narcissists tend to display flashier clothes, more confident body language and more attractive facial expressions. In a 2010 study conducted on two German college campuses, researchers found that narcissists carry and present themselves in a way that immediately impresses other people, especially women. Narcissists seem to have an advantage in the ‘thin slicing’ game.214

  A woman will decide within five seconds if you are the type of guy she would ever sleep with. Women instantly categorize men into three distinct mating categories; Yes, No and Maybe.

  Remember that most women do not find most men sexually appealing or desirable. With most men, the female response is plainly ‘no.’ No, you are meek and shy. No, you are needy or craving attention. No, you are damn ugly. No, she doesn’t want to ever see you again. Expect nothing fair, rational, or politically correct about these responses. Unconscious and intuitive, these are feelings she cannot control.

  Forget overcoming a negative impression. Seldom should a man invest the time and energy required to overcome a negative thin-slice. Just move on and make a better impression on a different girl.

  If you find yourself in the ‘yes’ category, give yourself a pat on the back. You must be doing something right.

  If you fall in the ‘maybe’ category, prepare to go hunting loaded for bear. Use the psychological techniques described in this book to chip away her doubts about you.

  No words have been exchanged between the two of you. Not a peep. Forget ‘you had me at hello.’ She had you at ‘blink.’

  In a recent experiment, researchers organized a speed dating seminar during which twenty men and twenty women took turns meeting each other for five minutes each. At the end of the night, the psychologists interviewed everyone. Most people knew instantly whether they would date the other person
or not. No one needed five minutes. Five seconds was plenty.

  Understand the importance of thin-slicing. As a seducer, you should always strive to leave a maximally positive first impression. Create a positive initial imprint on your subject by paying close attention to your hygiene, grooming, clothing, and body language. Leave absolutely nothing to chance. You have five seconds to communicate perfection. The race is on. Don’t blow it.

  Sheherazade’s Story

  King Shahryar was a Persian ‘king of kings’ who, not unlike other men of power, exploited his status for sexual benefit. But the king was a vengeful and vicious man. Furious over his first wife’s infidelity, he spitefully wedded a new virgin every day, and each morning beheaded yesterday’s bride. His executioner’s blade had cut through one thousand necks when he met Scheherazade. The vizier’s daughter was no stranger to the ways of powerful men, having studied the books, legends and histories of previous kings. She knew the poets by heart, read philosophy, studied deeply in the arts and sciences, and collected eclectic knowledge from all walks of life. She was a polymath of her day, well-spoken and witty, polite and entertaining.

  And Scheherazade was bold. Against the wishes of her father, who understood the risk, she volunteered to spend one night with the vindictive king to save the lives of the women in his kingdom. Scheherazade enthralled the king with a suspenseful tale, stopping halfway through her story when the hour grew late. The King asked her to continue, but Scheherazade pointed to the rising sun, suggesting it was time to sleep. So the King spared her life that morning, anxious to hear the end of her tale the next night. That evening, Scheherazade finished her story but immediately entertained the king with an even more gripping narrative, again stopping halfway through the story deep in the night. His curiosity piqued, the king once again spared her life. So it went for one thousand nights, as Scheherazade spun a series of fascinating, interwoven tales. Finally she ran out of stories, but the King, having fallen in love with her, spared her life.