Lady Justice and the Lottery

by Robert Thornhill

  Earl’s heart leaped into his throat. “Are --- are you sure?”

  “I’m sure,” she replied, squeezing his hand.

  “Well, okay then. Yes, I’d like to --- very much.”

  Once inside, Earl was lost. He’d seen TV shows and movies where the woman had invited the guy into her apartment for a nightcap, but he really wasn’t much of a drinker. He looked around. The place was neat and tidy --- just what he’d expected.

  He had no idea what Jessica had in mind. Maybe they would watch a movie --- or listen to music. He hoped that he could hold her hand again --- maybe even put his arm around her.

  Jessica had left him standing in the living room, and when she returned she left no doubt what she had in mind.

  She gently took his face in her hands and placed her lips on his.

  Earl was shocked, but as the kiss lingered, he slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her close.

  Without saying another word, Jessica took his hand and led him to her bedroom.

  At the sight of the king-sized bed, he was overcome with fear.

  “Jessica --- I --- it’s been a long time. I haven’t been with anyone --- since Maureen.”

  “I understand,” she whispered, unbuttoning his shirt. “We’ll take it slow. I hear it’s like riding a bike. I’m sure you’ll remember what to do.”

  She was right. Earl remembered, and as they tumbled into bed, the camera mounted in the wall whirred away.

  CHAPTER 14

  Morty stared intently at his old friend. From the moment he had walked in the door, he could see there was something different about Earl.

  “You old goat!” he exclaimed. “You got laid! Tell me everything!”

  Earl smiled. “A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, but I will tell you this --- that Jessica is something special.”

  “Well, I’m happy for you Earl, and you’re gonna be even happier when I give you the news.”

  “What news?”

  “While you were out last night dipping your wick, I got a call from Stacy. She tried calling you, but I guess you were too involved to pick up, so she called me.”

  “So what did she want?”

  “She’s hired a screenwriter to start working on some scripts, but the guy wants to come to town and meet Walt and his friends so that he can get a better feel for his characters.”

  “Great! When do they want to come?”

  “Right now,” Morty said, looking at his watch. “We’re supposed to pick them up at the airport in two hours, so shower and get dressed.”

  The two old friends were about to walk out the door when the phone rang.

  “Hi Burt.”

  “Jessica. I was going to call you this morning to tell you how much last night meant to me.”

  “Well, why don’t you come over to my apartment and you can tell me in person?”

  “I’d love to,” he replied. “I really would, but something’s come up.”

  “Something really came up last night,” she teased.

  He wanted to tell her about Stacy and the whole TV thing, but that would have to come later --- after he told her who he really was.

  “I have to drive a friend of mine to the airport to pick up his --- uhh --- niece. I’ll probably be tied up all day. Maybe we can get together tomorrow. I really want to see you again --- soon!”

  “Well, I guess that will have to do.”

  He could hear the disappointment in her voice.

  “I’ll call you --- and thanks again for last night.”

  “Niece?” Morty said, laughing. “Boy, is she in for a big surprise!”

  I was surprised when Ox and I walked into the captain’s office. Earl, Stacy and another guy I’d never seen before were seated around his desk.

  Earl jumped up and grabbed my hand. “Walt, I’d like you to meet Mitch Webber. He’s a screenwriter that Stacy has hired to work on the scripts for the TV show. He wanted to meet you and your friends before he started writing.”

  Mitch rose and grabbed my hand. “Really glad to meet you, Walt, and this must be Ox.”

  Ox nodded.

  “I’ve read so much about the two of you.”

  “Really?” I said, surprised. “Read where?”

  “From the official police reports of your cases. Your chief was really excited about the publicity that our show will bring to the city, so he’s been really cooperative.”

  I looked at the captain and he just shrugged his shoulders.

  “I can’t believe some of the stuff that you guys have done. Now my problem is figuring out how to get everything on the screen. I laughed so hard I almost had a coronary when I read about you dressed in drag, hiding in a manger scene impersonating the Virgin Mary to elude a crooked cop that had been chasing you.”*

  “Not my proudest moment,” I said with a grimace.

  “Nonsense!” he replied. “I’ve been a screenwriter for fifteen years and I couldn’t begin to make this stuff up.”

  “So what now?” I asked.

  *******************************************

  * http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-and-the-lost-tapes_307.html

  “We’ve decided to strike while the iron’s hot,” he replied. “I’m sure you’ve heard about the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman trial down in Florida.”

  I nodded.

  “That situation closely parallels the one where Mary Murphy shot Mario Bondell and was arrested. I found the transcript of her trial to be fascinating and I think our viewers will too. We’re going to call the episode Lady Justice and the Vigilante. I can’t wait to meet Mary Murphy.”

  I could tell that it was going to be a long day.

  We pulled up in front of the hotel just in time to see two guys in white robes and shaved heads scurrying across the yard.

  “Don’t need no religious freaks stirrin’ things up around here. Now skedaddle and don’t come back,” she said, brandishing her bat.

  “That’s gotta be Mary,” Webber said.

  “In the flesh,” I replied.

  As usual, the moment Mary saw me she magically transformed from a screaming banshee into a docile housemother.

  “Mr. Walt. I’ve been meaning to call. How’s Miss Maggie?”

  “She’s fine, Mary. I’d like you to meet Earl Lassiter, Stacy Brecht and Mitch Webber. They’re the folks that are doing the TV thing.”

  From the expression on her face, you would have thought that I’d introduced her to the Holy Trinity.

  “Oh my goodness. So pleased to meet you.”

  “My pleasure,” Webber replied, extending his hand. “I understand you’ve been involved in quite a few skirmishes around the hotel.”

  Mary gave me a furtive look.

  “It’s all right,” I assured her. “Mr. Webber knows about Mario Bondell --- and Uri Hassan --- and the Russian gangster.”

  “Well, Mr. Webber, it’s like this.”

  “Call me Mitch,” he replied, trying to put her at ease.

  “Okay, Mitch. I don’t go lookin’ for trouble, but if it comes snoopin’ around fixin’ to hurt me or the ones I love, then it has to deal with this,” she said, slamming her bat into the palm of her hand.

  “Okay then,” he replied with a start. “I think I get the picture. How about showing me around the Three Trails?”

  “Ain’t much to look at. Twenty sleeping rooms and four crappers --- uhhh --- comfort stations,” she corrected herself, opting for the more proper term.

  As she led our little party up the stairs, Webber said, “Speaking of comfort stations, may I use one of yours?”

  “Sure thing. Number 1 is just down the hall on your right.”

  Webber was just reaching for the handle to door #1, when it swung open and old man Feeney walked out.

  “Might want to light a match in there,” he said as he ambled down the hall.

  Webber stepped in and as the door closed, I heard him mutter, “Good Lord!”

  When he returned, he said, “I gotta
take some pictures. The guys that build the sets are going to have a field day with this place.”

  When the tour was over, we said our goodbyes and were stepping off the porch when Mary stopped us.

  “Could I ask you one more question?”

  “Sure, Mary,” Earl replied. “Anything.”

  “If me and this place is gonna be on TV, who you gettin’ to be me?”

  “I’ll take that one,” Stacy replied. “We’ve been talking to Dot Jones. She’s the woman that plays Coach Beiste on Glee.”

  “Oh, yeah,” Mary said, enthusiastically. “I’ve seen her --- but she ain’t near as old as me.”

  “You’d be surprised what our makeup department can do. We can make her as old as we want.”

  “Then I think she’d be a good me!” Mary beamed, giving her stamp of approval.

  We made a brief stop at our apartment building, where I introduced Webber to the rest of my little clan.

  They were all he had hoped for. Willie asked him ‘how it was hangin’, Dad pinched Bernice on the butt and Jerry told him a joke.

  As I watched them drive off, heading back to the airport, I shuddered as I thought about how they were about to foist my pitiful band of misfits onto the rest of the country.

  “Ready for a big payday?” Eric asked as he and Jessica awaited the arrival of Earl Lassiter.

  “I --- I don’t know, Eric,” she replied. “I just don’t feel right about this one.”

  “You’re not going soft on me are you, doll?”

  “This guy is different. He’s not like the other grease balls that we’ve fleeced. He’s really a nice guy.”

  “Right --- a nice guy with over a million bucks in his bank account. He won’t even miss a measly hundred grand. Now get your act together. He’ll be here any minute.”

  Earl Lassiter was on top of the world.

  His TV series was progressing according to plan, but even more important, Jessica Fisher had rekindled a fire in his belly that had been dormant for years.

  As promised, he had called her first thing and she had asked him to come to her apartment.

  He had laid awake much of the night thinking about their budding relationship. He hated the fact that he had lied to her and finally came to the decision that it was time to come clean and tell her who he really was. After all, she had invited him into her bed believing that he was Burt Greenwood, a retired car salesman.

  Earl knocked on her door and waited anxiously. It had only been a day, but he had missed her so much.

  He had expected a warm greeting, but when Jessica opened the door, he could see immediately that something had changed.

  “Come in,” she said without so much as a smile.

  Earl stepped in and was surprised to see a man seated on her couch.

  “Come on in, Earl. Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable. We have some business to discuss. Oh, wait! Maybe I should be calling you Burt. That’s the name you’ve been using in your little charade, isn’t it?”

  Once the initial shock had worn off, he turned to Jessica, “You --- you knew all along?”

  Jessica nodded and looked away.

  “Yeah, she knew all right! We both knew that you and your buddy, Morty, won the big jackpot. That’s what we’re gonna talk about right now.”

  Earl turned to Jessica again, “So it was just an act --- all of it --- everything we did? You made love to me and now you’re breaking my heart --- for money?”

  She could see the pain in his eyes and she hated what she had done.

  “You got that right, Grandpa,” the man said sarcastically. “That was one expensive roll in the hay. It’d gonna cost you a hundred grand.”

  Earl’s hurt turned to anger. “I’ll not pay you a dime! I don’t care what you do to me!”

  “Oh no. We don’t want to hurt you, old-timer. That’s not our style. We just don’t want you hurting someone else.”

  The man picked up a remote, pushed a button and the video of him and Jessica in bed filled the screen.

  “A little memento of your night of illicit passion. How do you suppose that your daughter, Louise, or your grandson, Aiden, will feel when they see their old man on YouTube?”

  “You wouldn’t!”

  “Oh, but we would! That’s the whole point of this little exercise. See, we’ve got the goods and you’ve got the money. You give us a chunk of all that cash and you get the video. Pay up and it’ll never see the light of day.”

  The thought of seeing his family humiliated was more than he could bear.

  “What do you want me to do?” he asked with resignation.

  “Now that’s the spirit!” the man said. “It’s really quite simple. We’ll give you the day to get the cash together --- a hundred grand. We’ll meet back here at the same time tomorrow morning. We get the cash --- you get the video and we’ll all live happily ever after.”

  As Earl headed for the door, he stopped and looked into Jessica’s eyes. “I really cared for you.”

  “I know,” was all she could say.

  After he was gone, Jessica turned on Eric, “You’re a real son-of-a-bitch!”

  “Oh, wow!” he exclaimed. “You’ve fallen for the old guy! The grifter falls in love with the mark. What a movie that would make.”

  “I don’t want any part of this,” she said. “I’m through!”

  “Hate to hear you say that, doll. This certainly makes things a bit more complicated. Oh, well,” he said, pulling a revolver from his waistband, “at least I won’t have to split the hundred grand. Now sit down and shut up!”

  Earl fought back the tears as he drove to his old friend’s house. How could he have been so naive? How could he have possibly believed that a woman like Jessica would be interested in an old codger like him?

  Morty listened intently as Earl poured out the tragic details of the extortion and his failed romance.

  “Holy crap!” Morty mumbled when his friend had finished. “What are you going to do?”

  “I gotta pay!” Earl replied. “It’s not about the money. I’ll probably never live long enough to spend it all anyway. I can’t let my family see that video. I can’t let them know what an old fool I’ve been.”

  “But you can’t just let them get away with it,” Morty protested. “You know they’re just going to move on and reel in another poor sap like you.”

  “So what then? How can I help bring these creeps to justice and still protect my family?”

  “Sounds like a job for a super hero --- an old one.”

  “What in the world are you talking about?”

  “Think about it. Isn’t that the premise of this TV show of yours? An old cop that figures out how to save the day? An old cop that saved your sorry ass once with toy phasers? I think it’s time you talked to Walt Williams!”

  CHAPTER 15

  Mabel Savage had found her husband, Wilbur, in bed with her sister and had been chasing him around the house with a butcher knife threatening to do a Lorena Bobbit number on him.

  Ox and I were holding them apart, trying to sort things out when the radio came to life.

  “Walt, this is the captain. We need you and Ox back to the precinct ASAP.”

  It was an awkward moment. Mabel still had fire in her eye and Wilbur was trembling like a whipped pup.

  “Look, we have to go,” Ox said. “We have two choices --- we can put you both in cuffs and take you with us or you can calm down and work this out like adults. Your choice.”

  “I want that pervert out of my house!” Mabel growled.

  Ox turned to Wilbur. “Do you have some place to stay for a few days until things cool down a bit?”

  “Uhhh --- sure. I can stay with my brother.”

  “Good, then take off.”

  Wilbur ran like his pants were on fire.

  “Better not go to sleep, Romeo!” Mabel shouted after him. “You might wake up without a dick!”

  “Better let me have that,” Ox said, reaching for the knife.
/>   “No problem,” Mabel said, handing it over. “Plenty more where that came from.”

  “I just don’t get it,” Ox said as we were driving back to the station. “We get so many calls like this. Life would be so much simpler if guys would just learn to keep it in their pants.”

  When we entered the captain’s office, I was surprised to see Earl and Morty. They were obviously quite distraught.

  “What’s up?” I asked.

  “Earl has a serious problem,” the captain replied, “and he’ll only talk to you.”

  For the next fifteen minutes, Earl poured out his story, from the first time he bumped into Jessica Fisher at the supermarket right through her accomplice’s demand for a hundred thousand dollars.

  “I feel so stupid!” he concluded. “Morty was right all along. Why did I think a woman like her could fall for a putz like me?”

  Morty put his hand on his friend’s arm. “I didn’t mean nothin’ by it, Earl. I was just givin’ you a hard time. I’m sorry.”

  “You shouldn’t feel too bad,” the captain said. “These two are obviously seasoned professionals. They’ve probably pulled this scam dozens of times.”

  “And that’s supposed to make me feel better?” Earl asked. “I honestly thought she was something special.”

  “So why are Ox and I here?” I asked.

  “Because Earl thinks you’re some kind of a geriatric superhero,” the captain said. “He wants you on the case.”

  I was shocked and embarrassed. “Look, Earl. I’m no superhero and this isn’t a TV show. This is real life. The captain has plenty of people that can handle this.”

  “That may be true,” he said with dogged determination, “but you saved my butt once and I just feel like you’re the guy to do it again. Look, Walt, this has to go just right. I can’t let my family see that video. I could never face them again.”

  I looked at the captain and he just shrugged his shoulders.

  “Well, it looks pretty straightforward to me,” I said. “We’ll hook you up with a wire and surround the building. After you hand over the cash and get the video, we’ll hit the place and take them both into custody. There’s no reason that your family should ever have to see that video.”