The Weirdest Noob

by Arthur Stone

  “So, what have you got?”

  “My race was originally designed as a race of pure debuffers. The best thing I have is called Total Destruction. A unique racial skill in which the target receives twenty percent extra damage from all attacks for eight seconds.”

  “Doesn’t sound like much…”

  “You don’t get it. The skill is scalable. As it grows, so does the extra damage percentage and effect duration; and other effects will develop, too. It ignores all resistances—its effect is only cut in two for every hundred levels of difference between you and the target. So, a level 110 mob will only receive ten percent extra damage, and it won’t work at all on a level 200. But that’s at the lowest tier—it would only get better as I level and raise the skill. It is also difficult to dispel—buffers will have a hard time removing it.”

  “You’re right, that’s a damn good ability.”

  “So, what’s the plan?”

  “It’s my third month here, and I am beginning to realize something. It’s much harder to play on your own than in a team.”

  “It took you this long to realize as much?! What were you thinking earlier?! I have to take back what I said about you possibly not being a noob anymore. And you still haven’t given me your main reason.”

  “Why makes you think there is one?”

  “My knowledge of human nature. If there’s no such reason, I’ve misjudged you completely.”

  “What were you back in the real world, Digits?”

  “That’s considered a tactless question in the game world.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Well, you must have realized I didn’t work for a cartel, or do illicit seasonal gigs across the border, although I have been up north. Before the injury, that is. Mexico is full of contradiction, and you can find anything there. And all sorts. You can think of me as a professor if you absolutely have to. Will you tell me your reason now?”

  “This whole thing struck me as an injustice.”

  “Both these worlds are full of injustice. What exactly bothers you so?”

  “You said you were a cripple in both worlds. I just felt that was wrong.”

  “So you decided to fix the injustice? How generous of you…”

  “Well, combined with what I could get from you in return, my generosity goes hand in hand with enlightened self-interest.”

  “They wrote on the forum that you’re Russian. Is that true?”

  “I’m afraid so.”

  “That explains a lot. You people always were of the troublemaking variety…”

  “Look, I’ll be gone very shortly. I intend to make some money—as I have already told you, I need a lot of it, and that’s pretty much all I want from this game. I’m giving you a choice: come along or stay behind. And I won’t even hold a grudge if you report to the spies at the teleport everything you’ve just learned from me.”

  “Sure, spilling the beans to them sounds tempting, but my life experience tells me that I stand to gain much more with you than with them. And greed is my main vice. So, I think I’ll tag along.”

  “You may not like hanging around me. I have a tendency of attracting problems. Expect things to get pretty hairy.”

  “I’ve made up my mind, so why don’t you just tell me our next destination?”

  “We’ll go and clear a Chaos dungeon.”

  “Just the two of us?!”

  “Did you expect anyone else to join?”

  “Not exactly, but don’t you reckon there may be too few of us for something like that?”

  “Last time around I went on my own, and I managed it all the same. Party invite coming your way.”

  “Got it. What…?! Mother of God! How is this even possible?”

  “A few modest bonuses from my achievements.”

  “You call these modest?!”

  “You get seventeen points to all the primary stats, and four to secondary—so long as you’re in the same party as me. You will also be getting forty percent more experience, and a few minor bonuses besides. Didn’t you know it was fun to be around heroes?”

  “Well, sure, but nothing like this! You’re no hero—you’re an honest-to-God monster!”

  “Uh, thank you, I think…”

  “A cute little monster, to be sure. A monstrette.”

  “Please keep any innuendoes about my disguise to yourself. And put these on.”

  “The armor is level ten, I can’t equip it.”

  “Start with the rings and the bracelets. Your virtual level will go all the way up to ten. Nearly all the items give a bonus to health, so that you might actually survive an errant strike or two. I can resurrect, too, but a zero-level noob will respawn before I manage to target you and cast the spell. Your task in the dungeon will be simple: survive. And work on raising your stats if it doesn’t interfere with surviving. Unlike regular players, you have received no points at the beginning, so we’ll have to compensate for that somehow.”

  “I get it. It’s a pity I can’t raise my actual level, though.”

  “You will be able to, in a week’s time—I won’t be able to remove the lock any earlier than that.”

  “You can do that, too?”

  “Why else would I say it?”

  “That’s incredible!”

  “Sure. Consider yourself inside a fairy tale.”

  “Is that right? Does it end with us marrying and living happily ever after?”

  “Didn’t I tell you to keep your innuendoes to yourself? Don’t get any funny ideas about my disguise. Also, when we leave the dungeon, I’ll be a green orc with fangs hanging way below my chin. I’ll do my best to be as scary as possible.”

  “Fair enough, I’ll cross you off my list of potential life partners. I’m rather indiscriminate, of course, but there must be limits.”

  “Here, take a pickaxe, too.”

  “What would I want a pickaxe for?”

  “Scratching your back.”

  “My arms are long enough for that.”

  “Once we clear the dungeon, we’ll stock up on the local resources—namely, gems. Almost everything is of good quality or better. I have leveled up my Gem-Cutting skill, so we’ll be able to net up to fifty thousand silver pieces by trading with players. Even if we fail to get anything valuable from the boss and the caches, the total haul should still be pretty nice.”

  “No doubt, especially if we manage to do it on a daily basis.”

  “No such luck. Once a dungeon is fully cleared, the forces of Chaos only reclaim it in a month’s time. Nothing to be done about that.”

  “And what do we do in the remaining twenty-nine days?”

  “The dungeon will take about a week to clear, after which time I will remove your level lock. Then we’ll take a week to unload the loot, cut gems, and so on—we won’t be bored, I assure you. Once done with all that, I’ll change my appearance, and we’ll make for the Russian sector.”

  “Whatever for?”

  “Well… I’m Russian, after all.”

  “And that’s reason enough?”

  “I’m really not sure why, to be honest, but I feel a strong urge to go there just the same. It could be my Russian extraction speaking, being drawn to what’s familiar.”

  “Oh, you’re quite the sentimental people. Give you any reason, and you start pining for your snows. But what am I gonna do there? I don’t speak your language.”

  “The game has built-in translation options.”

  “The translation quality leaves much to be desired.”

  “You’ll pick it up if you want to. It’s hard for me to be here, too.”

  “All right, let’s make a deal: I will agree to relocating to that frozen Gulag of yours, and you will refrain from making your mug as ugly as an orc’s. Stop staring daggers at me already, I’m not referring to your disguise! It’s just that I won’t feel comfortable near a fanged orc. And I have always hated the color green, even as a kid. Call me a racist if you must, but no orcs, please!”

  Dig
its rolled his eyes in pretend horror.

  “All right, I’ll become a goblin, or even a camel, hump and all. But enough with the chitchat—it’s time to get to work.”

  Ros activated the legendary skill that with a one-day cooldown. A wide teleport arch materialized before him—much larger than those created by simple scrolls, and the luminescence was yellowish instead of white.

  “How did you do that?!” Digits was amazed. “Without a scroll?!”

  “Scrolls are expensive, and I try to lead a frugal lifestyle.”

  “I’m definitely inside a fairy tale,” Digits shook his awkward-looking head, and stepped through the teleport arch.

  Many thanks to my readers! To be continied.

  I would like to heartily recommend the books

  The Play to Live of Dmitry Rus

  and Realm of Arkon Georgy Akella,

  my good friends and two of the founders of the LitRPG genre.

  The Play to Live and Realm of Arkon series are some of the finest works in the genre, and a must-read for any fan.

  D.Rus

  https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00LYJOII6

  G.Akella

  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B015QMQ8V6/ref=series_rw_dp_sw

  * * *

  [1] Short for Yevgeny

  [2] An NPC (non-player character) is a character controlled by software rather than a live player. Their attitude to the player, relations between them, and the roles they play in the gameplay are of enormous importance to any game world. They represent a vital feature of the background against which the players act.

  [3] A buffer is a character specialized in boosting the stats of their allies using special spells or skills (temporarily enhancing resistances, attacking abilities, accuracy, etc.) Buffers don’t normally engage in contact directly, hiding behind the backs of their fellow teammates in battle. A buffer’s antipode is a debuffer—a character who primarily specializes in weakening opponents by applying debuffs that lower their stats. If a buffer has well-developed healing skills, they can also function as a healer, reviving dead allies and restoring their hit points. Characters who don’t participate in battle directly (and therefore don’t deal any damage to the enemy) are classified as supporting characters.

  [4] A raid or raiding party is a group of characters gathered to perform a complex task that is beyond the capacities of a single player. Canonical examples include battles against particularly strong monsters (bosses) that have to be vanquished so that a player can complete an important quest or just get some nice bonuses or loot found on the enemy’s corpse. Raiding players also gain experience for leveling up—even a victory over a minor boss in Second World can bring substantially more experience than killing a regular monster.

  [5] A mob (short for “mobile object”) is a specific variety of NPC whose purpose is to be killed by the player (or players) for experience and items. Killing mobs may also be part of a quest one gets in the game. Most mobs fight back. Some mobs are aggressive; others are not. The former attack any player that wanders into their aggression (aggro) range. The latter do not attack first, but fight back the players who attack them. Social mobs can receive reinforcements from their “kin,” even if the player is outside their aggro range. Digit uses the term “train” to describe a situation where a player accidentally or deliberately draws the aggression of several mobs. When a “train” is accidental and the mobs are strong, the character’s health and life may be in danger. In a great many RPG (role-playing) games, killing mobs is the player’s main objective.

  [6] An epic item is an item of great value with high characteristics, or a rare property, or a combination thereof. There are ten grades of items in Second World (as the players are told). Epic items rank eighth, which places them beyond the reach of players with modest funds.

  [7] A Russian racial slur usually applied to Caucasus natives.

  [8] Regen is gamer slang for “regeneration.” The term applies to the restoration of the character’s variable characteristics (hit points, magical energy, vigor, etc.).

  [9] Chinese farmers should not be confused with Chinese citizens working in the horticultural industry. In the narrower sense of the word, a farmer is a player investing a substantial amount of effort into performing boring, monotonous, and repetitive actions inside a given game. Chinese farmers are a very distinct phenomenon in the gaming world. All the gaming-related activities of such players are aimed exclusively at earning real money (by selling valuable objects in the game, leveled-up characters, leveling-up services etc. for hard currency). Chinese farmers work in shifts, just like factory workers, getting paid a salary (12 to 18 hours a day; there have been cases of death from exhaustion in front of a monitor). When a whole family uses the same character, all generations can take shifts playing—grandma and grandpa, parents, children, and grandchildren. Large enterprises of a specific sort have become a widespread phenomenon, providing centralized employment to dozens and hundreds of people. The Jixi labor camp gained notoriety when it was discovered that prisoners were made to play online games for the benefit of the administration. Farmers in general are an international phenomenon, but the combination of cheap computers, cheap labor, and broadband Internet have allowed Chinese farmers to evolve into a breed apart, and they have a huge impact on the economy of numerous gaming projects. It is impossible to calculate the exact scale of the industry—estimates vary between hundreds of millions and, recently, billions of dollars per year.

  [10] The first line from the song Moskva—Pekin (Moscow—Beijing), written in 1950 (music by Vano Muradeli, lyrics by Mikhail Vershinin). The song dates from the epoch of “Sino-Russian alliance.”

  [11] Jokes and memes concerning the alleged toughness of the natives of Chelyabinsk, a city in Siberia, are very popular in Russia.

  [12] A “tank” is a meat shield of sorts—a character with high hit points and armor, and with talents and abilities aimed at enduring high amounts of damage while protecting more vulnerable party members.

  [13] Looking For Group—a common abbreviation among gamers seeking to join a party for quests or instances requiring a party.

  [14] Damage Per Second—shorthand for damage-dealing characters.

  * * *

  [MB1]I like it! k'12

  [MB2]Though I would normally say “Mage Guild” myself, this is the way these guilds were used in D&D, so I’m sticking to the same format for recognition.